To feel broken by 12 year old DD and to ask for help

[Edenspirits73]

Year 7, 12 year old DD is pushing every boundary and I am struggling to manage it all. It feels relentless and she won’t listen to anything we say. On Friday we had a call from the school to say she had been in pastoral talking about self harming which was like a bolt from the blue- I didn’t handle it very well as I got really upset when she got home as it felt like i don’t know my child anymore.

She started her periods right at the start of year 7 and it’s felt like since then it’s been an out of control battle as she is desperate to push every boundary. She started bunking lessons quite early on, is quite wild in school and doesn’t take it seriously. She wants to do stuff after school every day that feels too grown up (we live in a small city) and it’s all about being out and about. She’s only interested in her phone, wants to be in her room on her own constantly, Won’t do school work, won’t do any activity that she used to do. She talks about wanting to vape, wanting to try weed. She’s 12 FFS.

We grounded her and took her phone after she got into trouble in school for a weekend and that made no difference- she just doesn’t care. She speaks to me like I am an idiot and just doesn’t respect any boundaries. She feels out of control and it’s come from nowhere. She doesn’t care about school at all.

i just don’t know what to do - I feel broken and a failure. My 16 year old DS is just coming to the end of GCSEs and it’s put a strain on him too. He’s been the total
opposite. We are going on a family trip in a few weeks on Europe to celebrate the end of exams and I am dreading it as DD is just so horrible to us all. My DH is at the end of his rope too.

I am trying to get her a counsellor for the
self harm - that has come out of the blue also and she has said we aren’t allowed to talk to her about it. I am scared to do anything - we are just trying to understand what is happening to my lovely child.

She told me yesterday that one of her friends parents doesn’t believe in punishment and that we are awful parents for grounding her but we were just trying to put some boundaries in place. I have been trying to have rules around phone use but she kicks off about that too- my rule is no phones in bedrooms after 9pm- I just want her to have a break and have proper rest.

I feel broken - she knows she is loved- we tell her all the time that we are here for her no matter what etc. Nothing seems to make a difference.

It’s affecting my mental health - I am so worried all the time and I am not enjoying life as I am in a constant state of anxiety about what will happen next. It’s making me ill. I feel like crying all the time. I know it sounds ridiculous but I sometimes feel bullied by DD.

Aibu to ask for some advice - I feel lost. I have emailed a counsellor for DD so hoping that will help.

My previously very sweet child fell apart in year 7 - I think sometimes the hormones are a red herring. For children high school is a big step up from primary and, in particular, children who have executive function problems tend to feel very overwhelmed. Is she messy, doing things last minute or not at all? Please google inattentive ADHD and see if this applies.

My daughter realised herself (at age 14) she had inattentive ADHD after reading an article. It was missed by all the schools because she was masking. People tend to think of inattentive ADHD as the child is not paying attention - its more they are thinking of too many things at once and struggling to get themselves organised.

Is it the new girls she is mixing with? If they are very 'grown up' in their opinions and go on about what they are allowed to do, on social media all the time, vaping, going out, smoking weed, boyfriends, they may be making her feel childish and behind the game. Then she is pushing to be like them and you are the enemy. Do you know any of the girls and mums? So you could sus out what is going on within the peer group. I remember at that age some girls were already acting like 'real' teenagers and there was huge pressure to grow up (in their words) and be like them and that was before most of the modern pressures.

It sounds like she is getting really damaging messages from her peers, reinforced by social media. Counselling for both of you is a good idea, but also any opportunity to connect away from screens. Keep seeking opportunities to connect with her. She's having a hard time and needs your support. I was vile to my parents as a teenager and they never took it personally, and that meant I knew I could always rely on them.

I went through a horrible period at the age of 12 too! I was so so unpleasant, almost overnight. Looking back it was a mix of:

1. Hormones (periods started at 10 but they got worse at 12)
2. Body issues (acne and got a bit fat, well not quite fat but got big boobs and big hips, clothes didn't fit right)
3. Friendship issues - some other girls turned horrible, some bullying going on too
4. Boy issues - some girls were getting boyfriends, I was very confused and curious about sex, it was just a lot going on.

What helped:

1. One on one time with my mum. Taking me shopping and lunches out in town. I'd start off moody and relax as the day went. I'm sure it was hard for my mum but I remember these days fondly, to this day.
2. My mum took me to a beauty parlour/spa to help with my acne, had some teenage appropriate facials and she also helped me with makeup and always took me a good place for haircuts so I'd have nice hair. It really helped.
3. Lots of boundaries. I am forever grateful I was grounded and couldn't go to certain parties now.
4. Lots of extracurricular to keep me busy.
5. Changing schools at 14, I got out of the horrible friendship group.

It took a while but I was a good kid again by the age of 16.

The GP recommended birth control pills when I was 14 to help with my periods. My mum didn't approve, I wish she had. My periods are awful to this day (I get very serious depression before a period, I'm a different human) and hormonal contraception has been life changing.

Op I'm sure her changes have contributed but it sounds like she's got someone troublesome influences at school?

Get rid of her phone. Completely. No phone, no iPad, no social media.

Your house, your rules.

I'd try again with taking the phone away and putting in alot of controls when she does use it.
Did you allow free reign access to tech before?
That would well be the problem.

@Edenspirits73 no time to write a proper response at the moment as I'm off to work, but just wanted to let you know you aren't along, and you aren't a failure.
I suspect this is the beginning of 'those teenage years'. Confusion, anger, frustration and boundary pushing.
It's a nightmare. I've been on the floor sobbing wondering where I went wrong, not wanting to get out of bed and face another day of being spoken to like shit and endless battles.

Just know you are not alone x

Honestly I could have written your post last year, pretty much word for word.

My DD is nearly 14 now and this probably isn’t helpful but the ONLY thing that has changed her behaviour is taking her out of school. She started one secondary, behaviour was terrible by the end of year 7, continued into year 8 where it got worse, then I took her out. Behaviour improved very quickly once out of school. Took ages to find another school that would take her but she started there for year 9 after a long gap, and the old problems were back but worse than ever before, her behaviour at school was awful and at home she was unbearable and made me really ill through stress. She stopped going there at Christmas and within weeks my daughter was back, and yes she has her teenage moments but generally she’s lovely.

I think secondary schools now are terrifying places to be, the behaviour across the board is awful, the teachers have no control, there’s violence, bullying in person and on social media (I think social media in general is a huge cause of the problem, there’s so much pressure in so many ways). I think my daughter set out to be a hard nut so she wasn’t a target, kind of like small dog syndrome.

I even phoned SS twice and begged them to take her, I honestly couldn’t cope with the way she was while she was at school. Turns out it’s not that easy, we had one visit from SS and that was it. I tried everywhere to get support, but there’s nothing, everything has been cut to the bone. So in the end I was like ok, the only realistic option is to remove her from school, it was the only way I was going to be able to cope with her. And I don’t regret it at all…she’s great to be around now and so much happier in herself. The behaviour she was showing at school wasn’t her - it was a coping mechanism for being trapped in a really stressful situation that she couldn’t handle.

The downside is that she’s not getting an education, but the way she was going she was going end up in some serious trouble, and she wasn’t learning anything at school, just being disruptive. I think having nice experiences with her and teaching her how to be a nice, reasonable human being is a better use of her time, she’s bright and she can learn again when she’s ready. But school was damaging her and I know that would have ended up causing her problems for the rest of her life.

She is diagnosed with SEN and I’m trying to get an EHCP, but again the council has gone bankrupt so how far I get with that remains to be seen!

I agree with a PP also that the periods thing is a red herring. Hormones don’t cause the sort of behaviour you’re describing, you need to look at the wider picture of what’s going for her. It is likely to be nothing to do with her periods, she started them at the start of year 7…so she also had a massive change of environment at that time. Secondary school is VERY different to primary school. I would put money on the problem being school, not her hormones. I would also read up on ADHD and ASD in girls to see if any of that sounds familiar.

@jenecomprendspas24 Just a thought, did you know your DD can go to college at 14? It is different to school and she wouldn't be doing a full set of GCSEs, English, maths and usually single science or biology alongside a level1 or 2 qualification.

Obviously you know your child and this might not be the right thing but is something she and you could consider.

BTW she is getting an education, from you. Education is about more than school and qualifications.

I have even there OP and I know how hard it is. Mine will be 14 next month and we are finally coming out it. Went thru counselor after counselor till we found the right place. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me. It's hell

Drugs, sex, alcohol discussions - keep everything factual and educational so she understands the health side of it. Some things she might say for shock value so try not to be shocked or panick.

Identify your battles and don’t fight about everything. The phone restriction is a fair non negotiable rule.

Before she can talk to you openly about inner turmoil you need to first build a positive line of communication. Look at her interests and find things you can do together (music related, fitness, film, learning a new skill or whatever). Do these things 1:1 and have fun. Try to reconnect. Focus on things you like about her and the things you appreciate about her. Car journeys and walks are great opportunities to chat about things that interest her and things you appreciate about her.

Welcome her friends to your house, offer lifts when needed.

I agree periods do affect behaviour but it's school and her friends.

They are vaping etc. and thinking about sex.

Move her. She will be nicer.

Hi, yes she can but the pre 16 courses need to be funded by the school she’s technically still at. And they are umming and ahhing about whether they have the money. Sorry, should have been clearer that she’s still on roll at the school she’s not been at since December, I’m not letting the LA off the hook that easily. She’s currently doing 2 hours alternative provision a week and just started some work experience.

No apology needed, lots of people don't know about the FE option. I hope the work experience goes well for her.

As other PP have mentioned I think it's a Y7 transition issue. It was also bad luck that her periods coincided with the start in school - year 7 is already a stressful time for the student without periods starting as well. Periods also create some hormone changes which your daughter is still learning to cope with.
My own behaviour was like this in year 7 & year 8 for similar reasons but I did snap out of it with the help of pastoral staff in my school.
I think your first step should be to contact her Head of Year and take it from there. Good luck 💐

I think you were right to remove the phone - tighten up on restrictions/time used put parental controls on if you haven't already.

Strict boundaries about where she can go and what times.

Time alone in bedroom is completely ok imo.

I'd consider a school move if self harm/vaping/rudeness is completely new.

Get her involved in any activity that she will join in with.

Offer counselling but don't insist, she is clearly utilising school pastoral support and that might be enough for now. Keep good communication with school if she stays there.

You have my sympathy.DD was no bother at all until she was 17, then someone came along and replaced her with a monster child, we never knew whether nice child or nasty child would appear each day. Luckily it only lasted a year but I was at the endvof my tether. I know you saud no phones but one thing that worked for me was to text or whats app DD instead of talking to her directly, even if she was only in her bedroom. It meant that she was in control of the conversation and could choose when or if she replied. It also meant she heard what I said because it was written down, we had many conversations like this and communicated more freely because of it. If it's any consolation she's just finished her law degree and starts solicitor training next week. The other possibility is family therapy which can help you all explore the dynamics of the situation. 🥰🥰

I'd put money on it being the smart phone at the root of the behaviour not being in Year 7.

I would have her checked with doctor for hormonal imbalance/pmdd. I'm 51, was a perfect child, super intelligent, happy as hell. 12 years of age when my periods started I changed overnight. Went to the docs lots of times over the years but nobody recognised back then that it was more than just normal pms. I've suffered terribly from depression over the years and in no way fulfilled my genius intelligence as I was always such a mess. There is help out there now, I'm not saying this is what is wrong with your DD but it is worth looking at. I know the personality change overnight oh so well. Btw most GPs are bloody useless, if you have no joy try a hormone specialist. Good luck ❤️

So sorry to hear you're going through this OP. Having twin teenage daughters, I can empathize. They were great kids before puberty and almost overnight, became mean and surly. I frequently hear about how their friends' parents are much more lax with screen time (phone, TV, computer) than I am. However, knowing the dangers of unsupervised social media on the teenage brain, I am very strict about limits. Their phones shut off at 9pm and they have a limit of 1.5 hours/day of phone time on weekdays and 1 hr on weekends. Trust me, teens might moan about the limits you put on them but inside, it reassures them as it shows them you care.
The self-harming talk is concerning and obviously is a cry for help. Do you think she feels close enough to you or your DH to talk about things?
I find that with my girls, direct questions never get me answers. But going in to spend some time with them in their rooms at the end of the day, suddenly, I start hearing all sorts of things.
Good luck and hang in there...you're a fab mom!

It could be hormones? I’m in perimenopause and I haven’t recognised myself or my behaviour for the last few years. It’s driven me to distraction until I found a lovely nurse who believed what I was telling her and got a diagnosis and treatment. Hormones play havoc and when you start your periods it can be so overwhelming with dealing with the newness of it and all the emotions that comes with. Would a doctor be able to help? Just to try and tackle that side of it, especially if she has suddenly turned?
As for the phone issue, install an app called Google Family Link. I use it with my 13 year old as he is addicted to screens. You can shut their phones down via your phone, block access to apps and set time limits and set daily usage time so you can set when the phone is live during the day and lock it overnight.

I’m sorry but I don’t understand what the issue is? It’s normal for a teenager to want to be on her own in her room on her phone all the time, she’s going through a rebellion period, and establishing her own boundaries. Bunking off and getting into a bit of trouble at school are normal. The talk about self harm at school could be just “boasting” silly nonsense said to “impress” her peers. She’s changing, she’s trying out new personalities, of course if feels like you don’t know her anymore. This shouldn’t be causing you so much stress. Your overreaction will cause her to overreact, and push back even harder. Giving her some space and respecting her new boundaries would be more constructive. Another good place to start would be reading up on some literature, Untangled, Teenage Brain, How to be the Parent your Teenager needs you to be are all very good books.

It might be worth a read of Dr Becky Kennedy book Good Inside.

But I agree with others, I would take her to the GP for a check up to make sure it’s not anything hormonal if you have recently had a diagnosis yourself in the first instance.