Moving miles away from parent in care home

[DazedandConfusedbyPolitics]

My parent has dementia, is bed bound and in full time care for the last 9 months. I looked after said parent for 10 years, on my own through Covid and after. I now have the opportunity to move 200 miles away for my husbands new job, and live in an area that is much nicer than where we are now. I'd still visit parent, probably monthly rather than weekly, and phone often.

My siblings, 3 of them, who have done little to help over the years, are telling me I'm selfish to "abandon" our parent. They also visit parent every week. I'm the youngest of 4, will be 63 in September and really would like some time for DH and I to do our own thing for a while.

AIBU/selfish? I'm not going to get any younger, parent is showing every sign of outliving all offspring! and has 3 other kids, not just me. Husband has said his acceptance of job is up to me but I know its his last chance (because of our age) to do something he's always wanted, even if only for a few years.

Sorry long and rambling post. Thank you if you've got this far.

Go - live your life

Don't feel guilty - you've done your bit and now it's time to be with your DH

You have a siblings problem.
Go with your DH.
Be happy.
Ignore the sniping.
If they continue, ask them where they were for the last decade when your Mum would have actually remembered their visits?

Go. You've done your bit. Run actually, how dare they. (Can you tell my siblings does sweet fuck all to help my own parent too - you have my empathy).

Go and feel no guilt.

You must go, OP. This is your life - live it.

Your parent is getting plenty of visits every week so I would move.

You’ve been a good daughter. Don’t let them take that away from you. I bet your parent wouldn’t begrudge you this move.

It’s a no- brainer. Go! Without guilt.

You are not selfish to want to spend some quality time with your dh. Try to do a rota with your siblings so parent has a visitor most weekenda

Your siblings clearly misspoke they meant to say they are being selfish.

Go live your life with a clear continence op.

As a mother , I'd want you to live your life and enjoy it whilst you can

I'd be grateful for the time we had together but not ask for more

I want my children to live their lives to the full

Monthly visits over that distance may be hard ( although doable )

I’m sure your parent would have wanted you to live your life. I think you should move.

I wouldn't even think twice about it. You've done your bit, time to let make the others step up.

Both my parents are gone now, brother lives in Spain and did basically nothing to help when they got old and frail, I can only remember him helping one time not long before dad died and he kicked up such a fuss about coming back to be with him and take him to the hospital for a scan whilst I went on holiday for a week. I don't bother with him now. His loss. My dad was fully independent, it wasn't like he had to clean him up after accidents or anything. There was no excuse it was pure selfishness from my brother.

Please do it.

Your siblings are scum.

Absolutely gorgeous and live your life

This.
What awful people.
Do it.
Do it for your husband and block them if necessary.
You deserve this.

Time for your siblings to step up . You have done more than your fair share. Particularly managing through Covid. It’s time to live your life with your DH. No one , unless they were a carer for someone vulnerable over 10 years and then through Covid has the right to judge you, it was soul destroying and sucked the life from you ( I was here doing similar for my DH) but you carried on because it was the right thing to do, even when no one else stepped in. Time now to enjoy some time with DH , your mum wouldn’t want you tied to her , you have done your bit. You deserve a break and visiting monthly is fine. She is cared for and safe.

Please, go and live your life.
And buy yourself a beautiful bunch of flowers and some lovely chocolates as a thank you to yourself for all the love and care you have given your parent.
You know they would do that for you if they could.
💐❤

I've recently come to the end of seven years as my mum's carer now she's gone into a nursing home. Your siblings can go take a long walk on a short pier. You've done more than your share with little help. Go, enjoy your new life and some freedom!

Absolutely go. I am a similar age and we don't live for ever. Seize the opportunity to go on trips, take up a new hobby, go out to lunch and spend time with your husband. After 20 years of caring you have more than done your duty and its time for your siblings to step up. This is what I would want for my children

Siblings are very quick to point the finger aren't they 🙄

You need to live your life, don't feel any guilt

Go and live your life. If your siblings call you selfish, fuck ‘em.

You weren’t obliged to care for your parent for the last 10 years, you chose to. Your siblings can move away too if they like. Zero obligation.

I’ve only been doing for a year what you have for a decade and if the opportunity came up then I’d be going without hesitation.

You have more than done your bit. Go and live the most beautiful life and enjoy every moment. Please update with the lovely news that you’ve accepted.

Nurse in care home here… please go and live your life. We had a 68yr old die in the home last week and his 90yr old mother was visiting him. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Sorry but as time goes on your parent won’t know whether you’ve visited or not.

Go and live you lice, that's what Id want my child to do in your shoes.