Moving miles away from parent in care home

[DazedandConfusedbyPolitics]

My parent has dementia, is bed bound and in full time care for the last 9 months. I looked after said parent for 10 years, on my own through Covid and after. I now have the opportunity to move 200 miles away for my husbands new job, and live in an area that is much nicer than where we are now. I'd still visit parent, probably monthly rather than weekly, and phone often.

My siblings, 3 of them, who have done little to help over the years, are telling me I'm selfish to "abandon" our parent. They also visit parent every week. I'm the youngest of 4, will be 63 in September and really would like some time for DH and I to do our own thing for a while.

AIBU/selfish? I'm not going to get any younger, parent is showing every sign of outliving all offspring! and has 3 other kids, not just me. Husband has said his acceptance of job is up to me but I know its his last chance (because of our age) to do something he's always wanted, even if only for a few years.

Sorry long and rambling post. Thank you if you've got this far.

Go and live your life.

Your siblings don't get to decide what you and your husband do.

I’d go - your parent is safe and being cared for by the look of things and you wouldn’t be abandoning them, just making adjustments to how much contact you have. Your siblings are projecting and don’t have your interests at heart.
FWIW, my brother will always help our mum if she needs, as do I, and we had a situation a couple of years ago where I temporarily ended up as a (extra) carer for her. She didn’t want me to go back home, but my brother encouraged me to go.

Absolutely go for it. Depending on what stage your mum is at the care home can help facilitate video calls or phone calls. Sending postcards is a good way to keep contact and I'm sure the carehome will also print out and help her read emails.

If she is further down the journey then she won't know how often you visit, just that you do visit.

Please go.
Your can still visit but you deserve some life too

Go for it, tell your sibs it's time they now stepped
Up

I live overseas and my mom had to go into a care home when my dad died. It was difficult as I'm an only child but I couldn't move a family of 4 back to the UK - so to keep us close, I set up a digital photo frame for her which I kept topped up with photos via a website, and arranged for the care home to set up a video conference call every week. This may be less helpful if/when she doesn't recognise you, but it helped us enormously.

Go without a second thought. Enjoy the life that you have because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Your mother may not know when you last visited and she might not know who you are. Her care will not be compromised at all by your move.

Your siblings are spouting hot air, put them out of sight and out of mind as they did with you during covid.

You looked after your dm for 10 years and your siblings are calling you selfish?!! They’re projecting their own self-absorption onto you. You and your dh should go and live your lives. It’s what your dm would want. You’re still planning to see her on a regular basis, anyway, even from 200 mikes away, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. She is safe and cared for, with 3 other adult children to keep an eye on things at the care home, which is what would concern me most in your position, if there were no other relatives to hand - but there are!

Go for it op and don’t look back 💐

DH phoned NEW boss this morning to accept the position and we've got estate agents coming out to value our flat at the beginning of next week. We're already looking to book a holiday let for a week or two, so that we and our dogs can check out the new area and possibly look at a few houses. It's been a busy day.

Sibs have been told, are unhappy but concede that I and DH have done more than our fair share of looking after parent over the years and "probably" deserve some time to do our own thing before we get too old.

Thank you all for your responses. I'm a bit overwhelmed by the support and great suggestions for keeping in touch with parent. I've spoken to the home and they are happy to facilitate WhatsApp type calls (now I have to learn how to use it!).

That's great OP!

Go. You’ve done more than your bit.

Excellent news for you and DH. Time for your new adventure together - enjoy 🙂

Wonderful, OP, well done!

Wonderful update

So glad to read the update, I was about to post “you should go”. Enjoy your new life.

Excellent! Wishing you every happiness

What a lovely update , OP . Wishing you both all the very best .

I work in a care home . Can honestly say that relatives living far away doesn’t impact the residents. As long as you are a phone call away all will be ok.

Great update OP, and well done - it it is the right thing. Thank you also to @Lillieloola for the first hand practicalities of it all. My mum has Dementia / Alzheimers, and although she is still just about living at home because my Dad is there and we live down the road, I know she has no recollection at all of anything recent - even whether we are there or not, or even if she has been the loo. It is a horrible disease, and you sound like you have done more than your fair share. You absolutely deserve your chance ,xxx

Definitely move. I wouldn’t want me children looking after me and restricting their life like that.

Many people including myself also already live hours from their parents anyway.

Congratulations and enjoy this next step. I can't get over the audacity of your siblings!

Wonderful update. Well done OP.

Enjoy the next chapter of your life op and husband ❤️

This is such lovely news thank you for the update. Wishing you every happiness.