Moving miles away from parent in care home

[DazedandConfusedbyPolitics]

My parent has dementia, is bed bound and in full time care for the last 9 months. I looked after said parent for 10 years, on my own through Covid and after. I now have the opportunity to move 200 miles away for my husbands new job, and live in an area that is much nicer than where we are now. I'd still visit parent, probably monthly rather than weekly, and phone often.

My siblings, 3 of them, who have done little to help over the years, are telling me I'm selfish to "abandon" our parent. They also visit parent every week. I'm the youngest of 4, will be 63 in September and really would like some time for DH and I to do our own thing for a while.

AIBU/selfish? I'm not going to get any younger, parent is showing every sign of outliving all offspring! and has 3 other kids, not just me. Husband has said his acceptance of job is up to me but I know its his last chance (because of our age) to do something he's always wanted, even if only for a few years.

Sorry long and rambling post. Thank you if you've got this far.

life not lice 🤦🏽‍♀️

My mum is in a care home and has lost all track of time and sometimes doesn’t know who I am. Just think how you and your husband would feel if you turned down the job only for your mum to not recognise you?

Go. Enjoy your life. Spend time with your husband.

You looked after your mother for a decade, you've done more than enough. I'm assuming guilt trips are a big thing in your family and suspect that's how you ended up caring for her in the first place. Go and live your life.

As someone who cares for elderly parent with dementia and a sibling overseas, I say it's time for the siblings to shut up and step up. You have done one of the the hardest bits (the decline), now go live your life, this is what your parent would wish for you.

This is a great opportunity for you and DH. Ignore siblings! Your mum is safe and looked after.

They are the selfish ones op. Fuck em and go live your life.

1). Go.

2). Who is executor? If it is you, gather all the paperwork you can now rather than leaving it until later.

3). People happily harangue women over the littlest thing. If the subject comes up in DH’s hearing, have him ready to shut the subject down. When men say something, people listen and obey. And that will make your life easier. Or, in your comments, refer to “my husband”. Same shit, different coat.

Go! It's so hard being a carer and you did that, it's your time now

Really? If you want someone to take notice of what you are saying you get your husband to make the point for you?
I certainly wouldn't 'obey' someone just because they are a man! That's insane.
Perhaps people would listen to your point more if you stopped speaking through your husband.

Please go. Enjoy some good years with your DH. Your siblings are saying you are selfish because you are changing your role and they expected you'd always be there. It's them who are being selfish. Your mother is in full time care and will be visited weekly, she'll be fine. You have done a lot, please don't allow your siblings to make you feel any guilt.

@DazedandConfusedbyPolitics time for your siblings to step up to the saucer!! you did all the plate work so you can go safe in the mind that you have done your stint!

Go, what a wonderful opportunity to your age. So often chances like this don't happen later on in your career.

I have recently had to support an elderly relative being admitted to a care home. A friend of mine said to me to see it as another phase of their lives, so I think that means you grab your opportunities because this is a new phase of your life too

Go and live your life, OP. Also, time to get angry with your siblings. How dare they suggest you are selfish when they've done so little in comparison!

Go.

(Buy your mum an iPad or tablet. If you arrange with staff to FaceTime at a certain time they can help at her end.)

Grab this opportunity with both hands and go.
Go and live a wonderful new life and be happy

I think you’ve done huge amounts, and your parent would want the best for you. I would go.
Siblings can do extra visits if they feel so strongly about it.

Please go. I could see your dilemma if you were an only child, but you have siblings. Time to live YOUR life.

@TootGoesTheOwl well I don't have a husband so looks like I'm doomed to do what everyone else tells me to for life 😀😀😀

Go!

Your siblings are projecting because they've been selfish and it suits them you doing all the work. They assumed you would continue doing it forever and relied on it.

Your life is as valuable as theirs! Go!

Some of my family used to complain if god forbid they had to step up every now and then because they were busy! Oh right, so a single working parent (me) isn't!

Go!

This is such a lovely post. Absolutely do this. You’ve gone above and beyond for 10 years.

You have done more than your fair share. If your siblings have the gall to say anything negative to you, ask them what they've done for your parent over the last ten years? And how does that compare with what you've done? Now your parent will be looked after by someone else (the care home), they're still spared from having to put themselves out any more than they have over the last ten years. Why do they think they can judge you?!

To be fair, I don't see how you can not take this opportunity, as it would be punishing your DH unreasonably. He deserves this too, doesn't he. Do it, you both deserve this chance to improve your lives.

You have done your time - they are probably scared that they will now be called on to do something, other than their 'duty' visits, as you have been the convenient, conscientious, helpful one, always there to deal with everything.

It is time for you to be free and live your life as you want and put you and your husband first @DazedandConfusedbyPolitics

I feel strongly about this as I was the go to for years and I wish I put my foot down sooner, my Parents have both died now and I feel resentment towards my siblings.

As always, first post nailed it.
No brainer.
My parents were emotionally abusive (in another country), as soon as I could I moved away.
Father long time dead, mother as lonely as a fence post back "home".
You only have one life for yourself, on top you didn't choose it.
So live it the way it suits you.
Full stop. 😊

My sister and her husband are planning to move away soon. My Dad is still fit and healthy at 88, we're happy for them to have a change of life at nearly 60. If your Mum has dementia she won't even know you've moved, I think it's time for your next chapter, good luck.