School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

I've seen this a few times. DH and I were very very much wavering on the whole private school thing. DH did really well out of a state education plus we worried that fee rises would make 2 kids unaffordable (frankly this was prescient as by the time they left fees were so high we'd have not managed 2 kids). Dad really really wanted them educated at that school due to a lot of family reasons and basically paid all 3 to ensure that we didn't change our minds! He also wanted to pay lump sums to ensure he avoided the 7 year gift rule.
It was a bit manipulative of him honestly.

Whether she benefitted or not is irrelevant really. The dad left £300k in his will to the sister - his choices meant there was nothing left. That is not the OP’s fault and is not her risk to bear.

Even if he had only paid £100k for the fees and left £100k to the sister, it doesn’t even sound like she’d be getting that.

You have benefited financially though. You said you’d always planned to pay school fees for 2 children, but your dad ended up paying for all three not just the unexpected 3rd child. So surely this means you’ve had much more disposable income and a better quality of life as a result. So you have had a better life because of your dad’s generosity.

Why did he pay for all 3 and not just the 1 you couldn’t afford?

You have £150k. And more. And you want to gift your kids money.

Give her some money. It's the right thing to do.

And yes, if it was me I would. I couldn't bear to see my single sibling struggling while I had the benefit of two salaries coming in, support of a spouse, choices about changing jobs, savings, deposits for kids....

It's not about that at all.
It's about morally doing the right thing.

Nobody cares how much the OP earns or that her kids went to PS.

I think you should give her the money. It's not morally right that you are both in well paid jobs, and actually do have £150k to give her, while she's struggling. A pp is right - you said you could afford two at private school, but not three, so why did your dad pay for all three? He should have given you &100k, and also given your sister £100k at the start.

What a mess. But you should do the right thing. Your relationship with your sister might not recover now, but at least you will be able to sleep at night.

I mean obviously this is massively unfair. Your family have benefited to the tune of 200k, whilst your sister has got nothing. There is no way of justifying this really, so don't try. You say she's made it all about money. And yet you say you can afford to pay her 150k but just don't want to. If you value your sister you should pay her really. It's complete luck of the draw that you got the money and she didn't.

I think your sister is right. You have got the money that you would have spent on two children's private school fees and she's got nothing. She must feel so hurt and like a second class citizen in her own family.

Sorry OP, you really need to take a step back and look at yourself. £150k would be “a large chunk” of your savings, ie you have well over that. And you don’t consider yourself well off? I’m not saying you necessarily owe it to your sister, but I do think you need to live in the real world a bit more.

I’d pay my sister. You’ve benefitted from your children being in private school. You say you could have afforded two, but not three. So paying back half - you’ve only paid for 1.5. You can afford to pay this back to your dad’s estate for it to go to your sister.

if your dad had realised they’d be no money left for your sister, would he have made the same decision ? The fact he made provision for her to have the first 300 suggests not.

Op - why don't you want to give her money? Other than because 'technically' you don't HAVE to? Why don't you want to do the right thing?

I wasn't directly benefitting - we weren't buying a bigger house and going on flash holidays. This was money we never saw that went directly to the grandchildren.

Surely you benefited though? And you were planning to pay the fees for two? I think it’s disingenuous to say private school was only pushed by your father. I would give the money to my sibling but I value family and fairness. Your father seemed too as well.

Is this real? You are calling your father manipulative?

Do you think he would have been so keen on the kids’ eduction if he’d have thought it would have left his other child with nothing?

Financially you do NOT owe her a penny

Morally you know you do

Do what your believe your dad would want you to do in this situation

Ask your self is blood thicker than money?

if your dad had realised they’d be no money left for your sister, would he have made the same decision ? The fact he made provision for her to have the first 300 suggests not.

Exactly

With £150k in the bank, the only reason you have that is because your dad has given your family double that.

It’s exactly as said above. It’s not the amount of money, itself- it’s that your sister has been made to feel that because she didn’t have kids she wasn’t worth anything except as an afterthought. Also from what you’ve said about her circumstances, ‘childfree by choice’ might not be the case- and even if it is, why is she worth less than your household just because she doesn’t have a partner and kids?? As POA you should have seen this coming and said something. Sorry OP but I feel you’ve not come out of this well- it sounds like you were expecting her to say ‘oh well, it doesn’t matter that all dad’s money went on your family so you can have a comfortable time while I’m struggling because Kids’

Your dad manipulated you into sending your children in to PS?

seriously. Touch grass

Your father made a big mistake assuming that he’d have money for your sister to inherit. It sounds like it was well intentioned but an inheritance should never be relied on. He’s put you both in a very difficult position.

Yeah. How manipulative giving you £300k. 🙄

I know that my dad will end up giving all the money to my sister, too. I try not to think about it. I help my parents out more, as well.

We’re in the same position.

grandparents paid for sisters children to go to private school. This was kept secret, and he did not pay for dh’s children (from his first marriage) to go. Nearly 500k for two children from 3-18.

this only came out after he died. Dh is similarly upset, as basically it’s a big fuck off from his dad that he wanted his sister and her children to have such a massive amount of money, and him nothing. Especially as his dad actually left himself short on occasion and dh would help him out.

it’s not just the money, it’s the fucking unfairness and what it represents.

your dad is also an arse for not ring fencing any money for your sister, and expecting there’d be anything left in the will. This grates on dh that his dad didn’t even think of him.

you have 150k saved, gifting it to your already privileged children for house deposits while your sister struggles seems very entitled. I think I’d accept what pp said, work out what your dad would you would have paid had you sent two as planned, and reimburse your sister.

We had a rethink about 8 years ago and both changed jobs to be more local and less stressful. We have a house which is still mortgaged for 5 more years but do have good pensions. £150k is a huge chunk of our savings and we are hoping to give each child a house deposit at some stage.

surely your father paying for 3 sets of fees as opposed to 2 allowed you to have less stressful jobs and significant savings

Dad really really wanted them educated at that school due to a lot of family reasons and basically paid all 3 to ensure that we didn't change our minds!

Are you saying he was a controller who wanted his own way when the children weren't even his children and he pushed you and your husband in to sending them to a school you did not want them to go to?

Because that's going to change how your sister will see her father forever.

Your dad has left you with a hell of a mess OP, I feel so sorry for you that he didn't plan for his old age and ill health properly.

A lesson to all that if you gift while alive, keep it equal among siblings and plan for the worst with yourself. A flat was never going to take him over 500k IHT!