School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

But we weren't planning on paying any school fees. We'd decided "no" until dad stepped in.
We both had full time busy exhausting jobs with big commutes to even think about affording school fees. Tbh with fee rises we'd have been stuffed even paying for 2. We then both took slightly different career paths and are in no way rich especially with 3 children at university.

You aren't getting an inheritance.
She isn't getting an inheritance.
Your father's grandchildren received an early inheritance in the form of having their school fees paid for.

If she'd had 3 kids and he hadn't paid for their education, she might have a point.

Morally you should give her the money.

OP: *we're not loaded "
Also OP: "We have over £150,000 in savings ".

Jeepers.

I think this is quite relevant. It appears she wasn’t told the amount at the time? She may have thought it was (say) £100k. This would mean her estimate was that it was highly unlikely she wouldn’t be ‘made equal’ and also that it was a smaller sum anyway.

Now she finds out it was much larger than she thought, she feels not only that your family has benefited from much more than she thought and she gets nothing, but also possibly that she wasn’t told the ‘full story’ to start with.

We have a similar situation - my BIL has received huge gifts from his parents and DH hasn’t.

They have spoken about it together and BIL has said that if the estate doesn’t have enough in it to equalise, he would pay DH. Of course there is always the risk that he doesn’t, but at least they have all discussed it openly.

Amazing how many people find it easy to give away someone else's money.

Tell her to go after the cousins for the loan that wasn't paid back.

I think everyone saying the OP should pay because she has benefitted because she should only have taken £100k and has instead been able to save £300k are missing the point.

The father made good in his will and had fairly compensated the sister. It’s not the OP’s fault that he made some really bad decision. What you’re now effectively doing is making the OP pay for the father’s bad decision and putting the financial risk of leaving the £300k in his inheritance on the OP.

Sadly your dad made his wishes known when he was alive re your kids education - which you did as he wished. He is solely responsible for what he did or didn't leave to the sister. It has nothing to do with you. She simply can't suggest that you sell up to pay her off when it was your dad's living choices, not yours.

My family fell out after a will too OP and it is really sad but you have to go with what was left, as it benefits no one making you hard up to repay some imaginary debt just because the market didn't boom in the way it previously had with is house.

Yeah that they are able to give away to their kids! Bonkers

OP, if the situation were reversed and you were in your sister's position, how would you feel?

I think you should try to honestly empathise, and let that be your guide.

And sorry for your loss - must be very hard. Your dad sounds like a lovely, kind man.

I can see why she's upset. However being upset does not automatically give you a free pass to be rude, awful, and start demanding whatever you deem to make the situation "fair".

It would be nice for you to give her something but she's gone about it the wrong way and ruined your relationship. And her lack of knowledge about what was going on with your Dad is the reason this is such a nasty surprise, it's not your fault.

Actions have consequences!

Yes because she went to her dad. She also benefitted too, let’s not act stupid.

she also could of accepted the money for one and not all 3 but she took the full amount.

If you had POA and could see this happening, why didn’t you discuss it with your sister earlier?

Omg. Your poor sister. You got 300k and she got nothing! And YOU don't want to talk to HER again. Wow!

If I were your sister I'd be devastated by what's happened. It's not just about the money (although the money is important) but what the money represents- that your sister isn't worth anything because she doesn't have children. She must feel absolutely awful. And yes, in your much more privileged position it must be easy to.judge.

I think you should give your sister £150k, but if you're not going to then how about £75k? This would represent sharing out your dad's £300k equally among 4 people - your 3 children and your sister.

My sister is child free by choice. why does it matter that its "by choice" here.

Of course you were directly benefitting. You didn't have to fork out for 3 x school fees so you had all that money to squirrel away elsewhere or spend on something else. You sound a bit grabby to be honest and it seems your sister is in dire straits and you don't want to be fair.

Since the OP had POA she should have done that.

That's a point. She could have said could you help with half their fees and give the other half to sister then we can split any inheritance 50/50. Very good point.

You are the definition of loaded and privileged and I am amazed you can’t see it.

form get me wrong you work hard I can tell. But you are completely in the clouds if you think you’re not loaded

5 years and mortgage free? Honestly. Do one.

If you’d had 2 kids instead of 3 you would have paid for it - that’s what you said in your OP.

And if you’ve got over £150k saved now - having downgraded your careers and presumably taken a pay cut - then you would absolutely have been able to afford fees for two kids.

You have only able to step back from your stressful jobs and enjoy a much nicer lifestyle because you didn’t need to worry about the fees.

But we weren't planning on paying any school fees. We'd decided "no" until dad stepped in.

Did you go to the police to report him for violently forcing you to take the money firmly against your wishes?

You have 3 kids, will be mortgage free in five years and over £150k i savings. You saved £300k in school fees at the expense of your sister who won't inherit nearly as much. That's not fair. You should get the same amount regardless of chil status. Your dad should have given her £300k when he paid the fees.

Your dad paid the money for your children's education - that education was important to him, but the money he spent on it was to benefit you.
He made his intentions clear at the time, that your sister was to benefit from receiving the same amount later on. He couldn't have imagined that there would be nothing left.
If he had only wanted to benefit your children then he would have paid the school and left everything else to be split equally between you and your sister, but he didn't, he made his wishes clear that she was to receive the equivalent sum of the education before the remainder was split. You must surely acknowledge that?
All your talk about her not helping with care is irrelevant and doesn't justify your actions. If I was your sister I would have been devastated to know my father had given 300K to my sibling while I had to wait until he was dead to benefit from anything. I would not have been rushing to help out with care either.
You have the money available. Your sister doesn't have money. You can make this fair very easily. What would your father want you to do, really? I would be ashamed if one of my children behaved in this way towards the other.

Haven't read the whole thread, sorry.

It sounds like legally you don't have to give her anything but morally I'd say you should.

Especially as it was your dad's wishes

And because
We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement

Worth noting data from Age UK and Independent Age has found that the poverty rate for single pensioners is double that of couples.