School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

Yep. It's interesting how many of the posts critical of OP are based on an idea that she had a lot more control over her then living, healthy father than she actually did. It simply wasn't her 150k to ensure Dsis was given.

@mirabai. It absolutely was about sharing his money at that point. He changed his will to make sure that the first £300k went to the sister to even things out. I still would not have been happy with that as the early beneficiary, knowing how old age and care homes etc work. The second £300k was always theoretical in a way that the first £300k was a tangible benefit. It wasn't fair. I believe in fairness.

She might be entitled to whatever is left below the £300k, but there ISN'T £150k left, there isn't anything left.

The OP did not get £300k, spent half and kept the rest? What are you on about 😂

@MollyJustMight

Your sister is deluded if she thinks you owe her ££££. This is going to cause a rift I'm sure but no way should you give her ££££. Shit happens, as it has in this instance.

This is a terrible response and is a perfect lesson in how to live without morals or compassion. Please don’t take this approach. It’s senseless and ignorant. You don’t want to be that person.

Sometimes in life we all need a bit of help. I think you need to talk to your sister and acknowledge her struggle and how she’s feeling. You could give her some money if you want to, and you think it would support her. I can understand why she’s feeling upset TBH and you have a chance here to show the compassion to her that your dad showed to you and your kids. He would probably be proud of you.

Do not give her the money!!
Your dad made his choice. Your sister made her crappy choices. It's not your fault and more importantly your husband's. It's really not worth destroying your marriage over (I can't imagine my marriage surviving if I announced I was giving my sister 150k or my half of it).

You say you didn't see any of the money, it went straight to your children, but him paying the school fees meant you could afford things you couldn't have done otherwise, or saved money that you'd otherwise have spent on school fees.

You were prepared to spend £200k on school fees, so you effectively saved yourself that amount. I would give your sister the money

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your sister needs to respect your dad's decision - he wanted to pay for his grandkid's education. No-one is entitled to an inheritance, and your dad was free to spend his money as he wished when he was alive.

It's not you or your family's fault that there wasn't much left when he died, and if she rarely visited or helped out, I'd argue that she doesn't deserve a penny, and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty.

Much less if you tried to do it via your partner's inheritance that you might not even have practical access to anyway!

Also, just to add, if you are ever at a moral crossroads - do the right thing. Don’t turn your back on people who need help and love, especially not your own family. You know what you should do anyway.

I think it would be fair to give her the money (or some at least) if you have it. You say yourself that you were planning on sending two kids through private. It might have been fairer from the beginning if your dad had paid for just the third (unexpected) child.

That said, it's your money, and you can do whatever you want with it!

Your dad made a choice where to spend his money when he was alive.
Thats his choice not your sisters and as you say you had already decided not to go down the private school route it was your dads choice to facilitate that for his grandchildren.

Your dad could quite equally have left each of his grandchildren £100k in his will and not spent it in his lifetime. Would your sister also consider that unacceptable had she been the one with kids.

How your father spends his money in entirely his business and has nothing to do with your sister

If I was in your shoes i would at least give your sister eighty thousand. Your children benefited from the money he spent. I would also go after my cousins for the money owed.

I'm really sympathetic to both your positions. You weren't to know that your father's investments would go so wrong when you took up your father's offer of private school feels. (I would also say that you could have refused the offer so if I was your sister, I'd be underwhelmed with that as an argument.) Also could your sister have distanced herself from you all for the past few years, because she felt a failure? And be vocally anti-child because she wasn't able to have children (for whatever reason). Your sister sounds as if she's masking a lot of pain. I also know from experience that after a parent dies, it's easier to express pain over loss through money rather than about how you felt about a parent and while the threat to have your POA audited, I can see why your sister might be asking for this. (In the great scheme of things, it won't cost a lot and will let her see that you've been honest and upfront and be a good basis for whatever relationship you have going forward.) Ultimately, I'd say, what do you think your father would want you to do? It's not as if he wanted to disinherit her.

the OP was NOT GOING TO SEND THE KIDS TO PRIVATE SCHOOL.

She wouldn't have spent anything anyway - unlike what some people are making up, the OP never said she was going to pay for 2 kids, and leave the 3rd one out of private. Who does that...

It's like saying you didn't buy a Mansion 15 years ago, so you saved 1 million, and you owe me half 😂

Oh give over. You were directly benefitting. Stop trying to rewrite history. You had always planned to send 2 kids to private school - if you weren't greedy you would have just accepted the costs for the third child from your dad.

I think people are missing the point that payment of the private schooling fees were not a gift from the Grandfather to the Grandchildren. He saw it as giving inheritance in advance whilst he was still alive. His wishes were that his other daughter was compensated fairly upon his death by an equal amount. It was not a gift.

If you Dad hadn’t have used the money to pay for the school fees, he may have also lost that amount in bad investments ect before either of you got to inherit.

Effective neither of you have inherited. Your Dad spent his money whilst alive on something he wanted to spend it on. I know people are saying it has enabled you to save but what you are saying is that you wouldn’t have sent the kids to private school and so that is not the case.

I don’t blame your sister for being upset but really it was at the time he paid the fees that he should have given her some money to even things up.

I don’t think you owe her anything.

Except she was until she had twins. They couldn't then afford to pay for 3 children but her intention had always been to pay for 2.

@barenakedhazy that’s exactly the point isn’t it, you want to help all your children & so did your dad…

I feel sorry for your sister tbh. You could at least give her something, even 50k? She must feel so pushed out.

I wouldn’t be giving a sibling any money. Life is not fair but you are in my view not responsible for balancing life’s unfairness.

If you had financial freedom and giving the money would be very little to you. Sure go ahead but I would not do so in this scenario.

So she wasn't going to pay for private schooling, then. The choice was state education for all their DC or the DF paying for private.

The OP has made it clear she WASN'T prepared to spend £200k on school fees, though. Her dad insisted.

If your father wanted certain things to happen then he should have acted in accordance with that. He should have made sure the money was there. Its not your responsibility (and more so your husband's) to fix your father's financial shortcomings.

I wouldn't pay her op. None of the self righteous posters here would in real life either. She sounds unstable, unpleasant. She wasn't engaged with her df either. Your dad did a choice that benefitted his gc directly. Would she do it if tables were turned op? I bet she wouldn't from the way you describe her.