to think my life is actually quite sad/pathetic?

[PatheticPup]

Don’t get me wrong, I understand things could be far worse and am grateful that, though dull, I’m surviving quite well with very little obstacles - but I do think, in the abstract, my life is quite sad.

A typical weekday for me is: 8am - 4:30pm WFH (live alone), might pop to a shop or collect my nephew or niece from school/activity 3 times a week, then back home to have dinner. In bed by 7pm, watching telly with the dog. Asleep by 10pm to do it all again the next day.

Typical weekend is similar but with zero work, more errands/chores & occasional visits to my parents/siblings’ houses for family gatherings. No friends outside of my family & work acquaintances, and no boyfriend either (PCOS has left me on the heavier side - I walk daily with the dog and the weight is falling off post treatment but I’m aware I’m not attractive to most)

Most of the time I think my life is peaceful, but I’m also 27, and have been like this since at least 23/24. Am I missing out? Or am I lucky to live such a peaceful, drama free life?

I think 'bed at 7' is a red herring. It sounds like you are just doing what most people would do in the sitting room in the evening, but doing it in bed instead. I do this because I live in a small flat and WFH in the sitting room all day so I move to my bedroom for a change of scene to watch TV,

I don't think your life sounds sad and pathetic. But if you feel you want more from it then you can take small steps towards that. Do you have someone to look after the dog if you are out or can he be left for a bit? If not that will be restricting what you feel you can do.

Your life sounds peaceful which is priceless but I understand you'd like more.

I think you just haven't found your tribe yet. Maybe joining an activity type thing or an online group? Working from home makes making friends harder and I met most of mine at work.

I can understand where you’re coming from, as I also have a low-key life thanks to chronic illness and find myself surprisingly happy with my much smaller world. But. Your words don’t really reflect that feeling to me - you say that you’d have liked a husband and a family but you’re too unattractive. That your depression robbed you of your hobbies, and social anxiety took away much of your social life. This doesn’t really sound like happiness or acceptance to me. It’s up to you how you want your life to be - being fat or plain or shy or chronically ill doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have a bit more in your life if that’s what you really want. But it does require getting out of your comfort zone. And if you do prefer to keep things low key I hope you can work on your self esteem as you deserve to be genuinely happy and not trash talking yourself.

It just sounds very small, especially at 27, getting into bed to watch tv at 7 every night? Any lack of personal development, goals, ambition, I'd just worry you're on a path to depression. Is this really how you want things to be for the next 50 years?

I would find it hard WFH all the time and no hobbies / friends to catch up with. I tend to work at home twice a week and rest in office. I also go to bed around 7ish, not to sleep but to watch TV / iPad. I am in a walking group and go at least twice a week. We also do pub lunches / drinks and I meet other friends sometimes for trips into london / museums etc. If you’re happy then I wouldn’t worry; if not look into getting some hobbies

I think if you’re happy 90% of the time, you’re doing pretty well. My life might seem dull to some. I wfh, but have a dh and adult son living at home. I honestly just like to chill after work, watch TV maybe, but apart from walk the dog, I don’t do much during the week. Weekends are sometimes busy, but sometimes just chilled with not much going on. I have a friend who packs so much into her life - lots of running, gym, dance classes etc during the week after work. It would be my idea of hell - exhausts me just listening to her. I’m sure she looks at my life and thinks it’s her idea of hell too. We are all different, and it’s easy to think what other people on the outside perceive your life to be, when actually you should just do what makes you happy.

"90% of the time, yes, I’m very happy. Especially when the people around me are having relationship problems 🙈"

I don't know why people haven't picked up on this as it's quite a telling sentence. Can you expand on "people around me"?

Social anxiety is definitely more than shyness.
I started sertraline for PTSD and it’s also cured my social anxiety. It’s amazing to not have it anymore, it’s made my life a lot better.
Btw your niece/nephew are very lucky to have you in their lives.

How would you like your life to be OP? When you look 10 years into the future, what would you like it to look like? Do you want a DP? A family? Or are you honestly pretty happy on your own with your dog? Because at 27 you have time to think and plan and try to create the life you want. But if you just stay doing what you're doing right now, not dating, not working out of the house, not socialising, this is probably how your life is going to continue indefinitely. Would you be happy with that? Because that's what matters, not what anyone else thinks or how anyone else's life is.

A lot of life is unloading the dishwasher unfortunately.

I am in my late fifties, the one thing I’m glad I have done is try a lot of different things from pottery to dance classes, hiking to croquet, lane swimming to embroidery, yoga to karate and more. Some solo but many in classes. Some have stuck and some were for a year or two or maybe a one off and not for me. You write you have social anxiety how about a class where people don’t interact very much at all. I have tried a few art classes over the years, they tend to be quite gentle and with only a little interaction classes.

If you have spare money it may be worth looking for some kind of therapy for your social anxiety. You admit you enjoy other people’s misery though that shows a root to your own unhappiness.

I never said I enjoy other people’s misery? Why in the world would I enjoy other people’s misery?

I’ve been witness to many relationships falling apart in quite severe ways; infidelity, abuse, etc. It’s been within my own extended family and I see the fallout from those very often (I also see my extended family quite often). Financial ruin, mental scars, physical scars, etc all left by exes. Or worse, still being inflicted because the couple are still together. Then I’ve had my own toxic relationships. My parents went through a stage in my teens where they almost divorced - lots of arguments, anger issues, emotional abuse (some directed at me from my father when I’d try to intervene & mediate). The relationships are better now but it’s hard to forget being told you should have been aborted in a moment of anger.

It’s definitely left a lasting (negative) impression, so I’m very cautious and guarded.

Do you walk the dog? Exercise? You can do lots of things alone (I hate group exercise) or at least without talking to people. What about studying? A course?
I don’t think you are sad or pathetic but you sound like YOU feel something should change.

It doesn’t sound sad or pathetic. Some people prefer a quieter, smaller life. You have a job, home, family and dog. You say you’re happy most of the time. It doesn’t sound like you want or need to make any big changes immediately.

I think it might be wise to push yourself to do a bit more with your evenings, though. Small additions to you life, even just once or twice a week. Social anxiety and chronic illnesses don’t mean you you have to just give up and go to bed at 7pm every night, and especially not at your age! An evening class, new hobby, learn a new skill?

It sounds like you have a structured and peaceful routine, which can indeed be a source of stability and contentment. It's natural to sometimes wonder if there's more out there, especially at your age, but it's important to remember that everyone's journey is different.

Having a supportive family, a job that allows you to work from home, and caring for your dog are all valuable aspects of your life. It's great that you're also taking steps to manage your health with daily walks and treatment for PCOS.

If you're feeling like you might be missing out on social connections or opportunities for personal growth, consider exploring new hobbies or interests that align with your values and goals. This could potentially lead to meeting new people outside of your current circles. However, if you genuinely enjoy your current lifestyle and find fulfillment in it, then there's no pressure to change just for the sake of it.

Ultimately, what matters most is your own sense of fulfillment and happiness. Reflect on what you truly want and what brings you joy, and allow yourself the space to pursue those things at your own pace.

The most telling thing is that you posted and wondered about your life. It is stable and happy. It has strong elements: good family connections, regular work, (if isolating) and a home of your own.

But if this were all you wanted, you wouldn't have posted. What I notice most is that it is a life designed to protect you form the wider world. No one but family is allowed in right now. And yet there has been quite a lot of turmoil in the family.

I have found it is easy to get into a rut and shrink your world. It feels cosy, safe but its foundation is fear of the unknown. Honestly, I think the way out is to try stuff. Anything at all. You don;t have to commit, just experiment.

I like the idea of having three things on the go in life: something physical, something creative or educational and some social contribution. Physical can be anything from a dance or yoga class to a Saturday walking club or weight raining at the gym. Creative can be art or craft, music in any form, creative writing, renovating furniture, coding. Education could be a language class or professional qualifications.Social contribution could be work for a charity, a school, a community garden, a political or eco organisation. If you do one of those each week, you build up a wider life. Friendships might evolve naturally from these. So might love. But they are good in themselves, for enriching our lives. I'd also add something spiritual - a church or temple service, if you have faith. If not, meditation at home or even group therapy if you have had depression or you have social anxiety. Some gathering with like-minded souls.

Does any of this appeal to you, OP?

My life is very peaceful like yours, parents live 10 doors away, I have a teen DD but she's no bother. I WFH and if DDs clubs aren't on I can go all week without really leaving the house and only talking to her and my parents which isn't great.

I do make sure I do things I enjoy though, cinema and theatre trips often with DD but quite often alone too.

If I didn't have DD I'd book myself a Premier Inn in different city's and go and explore the country every few months. I would also join the women's circle in my nearest city which is a women's social group that do activities together and have different aged groupings.

If you are happy with your life, then nobody else’s opinion matters.

But you use some very negative words to describe yourself and your life. And that ‘10%’ of the time you are unhappy seems to be linked to a lot of hopes for your life and for your future which are going unfulfilled (and which you seek to anticipate will never be fulfilled).

What do you envisage your life to be like in 5, 10 years time? Is that what you want your life to be like? What could you start doing now, to breach that gulf, if there is one?

Will that 10% of unhappiness grow? Will it breed resentment?

The people around you, their lives are going to change. Your nieces and nephews will grow up, their worlds will grow, and they won’t be as reliant on you (although I’m sure they will still want to see you and spend time with you). Your siblings’ circumstances may change, they may move away for example.

I think the point I’m trying to make is not to let yourself stand still, when the world around you will change. Because right now you are happy being part of the world and your life as is, but that is a short period of time in your life.

Being told you should have been aborted OP, even in a moment of anger, is unforgiveable. I'm sure that has had a huge impact on your self esteem.

Do you go on weekends away or holidays with your siblings or on your own at all? Would that appeal?

I go on at least one holiday with siblings a year. Never been anywhere by myself though 🤔

I suppose it is a form of protection. I’ve experienced quite a bit of trauma that’s going to be with me for the rest of my life as it obviously can’t be undone (it’s managed, I would say though!). I guess I’m trying to minimize my chances of adding more trauma.

I have been thinking of taking a course related to my career that would advance some elements of my role (and possibly result in higher pay!). I’m going to spend the weekend looking into it and make the first step Monday morning!

It has had a huge impact. My thinking is “if my own parent can think or feel such a thing, then what’s to stop a husband or friends thinking the same.”

I often feel like a burden on others, like someone they have to put up with, rather than enjoy being around. I think part of my isolation is feeling like I’m doing others a favor as well as myself

I'm the same age as you and could of written this myself! Except I don't live alone have two young children but I don't do anything really outside of parenting, working part time and have a few illnesses I manage but I purposefully keep myself away from others as I think they may feel I'm quite boring! I struggled to socialise at the school gates at the beginning of the reception year and nobody speaks with me now but I don't mind so much its more I think it's impacted my son so I feel rather guilty in that regard. I used to live a rather chaotic life but gave up drinking etc when I was 22 and live a really quiet life. I'm sure people don't find you boring at all, and at least you're not bothered about what others may think, as long as you're happy within yourself and your lifestyle then so be it, but you're definitely not alone! X

But lots of us (most of us?) have dealt with the emotional fallout of inadequate parenting and ACEs. I’m in longterm therapy aged 51 to deal with the ongoing effect of childhood neglect and SA aged nine. Has having had an unhappy, impoverished, emotional-neglectful childhood had a negative effect on my adult life? Absolutely. Have I spent my adult life fighting not to let that limit me? Also absolutely.

OP, I’m absolutely sympathetic to your desire to keep yourself ‘safe’, and not to expose yourself to other people, to life challenges, relationships, friendships, new activities and efforts etc that may expose you to risk and pain, but look at the cost to you of this ‘safety’. Your current life keeps you safe but only while you’re curled up into a ball, sticking to a routine, seeing almost no one other than a few immediate family members (including those who made your childhood miserable?), usually inside your home. Is this really how you want to spend the next 50 years?

Are there some alternative activities you could get involved in OP?

My friend just completed an assault training course with her dog. Now she's signed up to Frisbee training with her!

Is there anything like that in your area, if you like the idea?

I did an aqua cycle course when I was fairly unfit - it was great because if I felt a bit red in the face I could just dunk under the water, and go as slow or fast as I felt able. Most people were wearing t shirts Or rash vests too, so no need to be self conscious.

How about some online step workouts to do at home and build up your energy levels? Get fit with Rick is a fun one with lots of variations.