AIBU to think I’ll not have a good time on my birthday without her?

[NewbieToThis]

Hey so this sounds really silly as I know the chances of seeing one of my good friends on my birthday in a couple of weeks was really slim as she lives in a different country. For these past couple of months I hoped and had it in my head that she would likely be here as I had this feeling she would.

bit of backstory. I met her online 2 years ago. This past several months we’ve grown so close. We’ve just clicked. It’s that type of friendship where you feel like the other person is like a twin spirit and is part of you and when they’re not there especially at special occasions you feel like something is missing and feel incomplete. I remember going on a night out and all I could think of is that she should be here. We feel like we can tell each other anything and everything. She’s even said to me that there’s things she’s told me that she would be uncomfortable telling others which I’m flattered by. We have similar interests and views on life. She’s like this amazing kind hearted stunningly beautiful angel that has came into my life and I wish more than ever we lived close by. If we did I know for a fact we’d see each other all the time.

Just recently she’s been going through a hard time with a loved one not being well so I haven’t heard from her as much but we still talk everyday as we both like and comment on each others content on social media. I feel bad that she’s having to cope with dealing with that but that is what has set it in stone that she won’t be coming to visit. I really had it in my head that she’d be here. I’m having a big birthday night out with a lot of my friends and I’m really looking forward to it. Now it won’t feel the same without her or at least someone similar. I know I sound delusional and dumb right now but I imagined getting ready together getting our makeup on. A girly pamper night the night before (I had it in my head that would be the night she would arrive), dancing together to our favourite songs particularly one I had in my head (the one my two cousins who are sisters danced to at one of their birthdays and I’m envious of how close they are). I know I’ll still have a good time with my other friends and my husband. I’m grateful they will be there but I’ll be missing her unless she or someone similar is there.

WTF is wrong with me? I’m a grown woman married with kids why am I getting on like a teen?

This is not healthy.

Idealisation is not healthy, it is usually followed by its opposite - devaluation.
Try not to operate in the extremes.

Work on forming real life attachments.

Read more about the different forms of attachment.

Long distance idealised obsessions suggest a fear or inability to form real attachment.

I think you need to step away from the computer, stop making content and start focusing on reality and your relationships in the real world.

That is what you would tell your children to do if the developed this kind of friendship andits what you need to do too. You need a full tech detox. Then look at your life and what it is lacking and start putting that right. Your needs aren't being meet then work out what they are and start meeting them. Do you need to book yourself a weekend away somewhere quiet, a spa? A city breaks visiting museums and theatres? A weekend outward bound trip kayaking and climbing? Whatever makes you feel more connected to yourself.

If I were your husband and read this thread, I'd be feeling pretty inadequate. And angry.

The OP has also just had a baby.

Please DO get out into the real world. Do you have any hobbies?

Get out into the fresh air and daylight.

Stuck indoors and surgically attached to your tech living in a fantasy world will only push you to develop odd ticks and quirks, or at worst, push you to become out of touch with reality.

Go do something you enjoy, go talk to people face to face.

You are being about as unreasonable as it's possible to be.

You've literally never met her. You have no idea what she's like in real life. You really need to get a grip and stop fantasising about her; it's really unhealthy and weird. You'll be calling her Baby Reindeer next.

You're absolutely having an emotional affair and you clearly want way more from her than friendship.

How would you feel if your husband had a woman/man in his life that he was obsessing over and referring to as a 'stunningly beautiful angel', and told people that he was going to have a shit birthday because he had to spend it with you rather than with his angelic beautiful friend that he constantly complimented and fantasised about?

I have a few online friends. If I found out that any of them (or indeed any of my real-life friends) were talking about me in the way you're talking about this woman, I would be absolutely horrified and would think they were completely nuts. I'd also be blocking them immediately and investing in a Ring doorbell and a rape alarm.

Yes I would class myself as that but have had attractions to women in the past and experimented

You're not straight, then.

You can't compare one of your sons to an internet friend youve known a couple of years!

So you're a repressed bisexual woman at least who is having an emotional affair with a woman you've met online and you feel that life is only really enjoyable if she's there, despite being married to a man?

Something to take the edge off?

Like a celebration? Or party? Which Op is already having and talking herself into not enjoying?

Why do you think she does? Because she compliments you?

I think you have spun this fantasy in your head. I think you posted to see if we would all say she fancies you. Chances are, she just thinks you are a good friend.

and honestly, if your dh was carrying on like this over another woman and saying he wouldn’t enjoy his birthday because she wasn’t there and he had been playing out dancing to certain songs with her….would you be ok with that?

Sounds like you have a crush on this woman. This is giving emotional affair vibes and all sounds very intense to say you have never actually met her.

Your husband, I assume, has absolutely no idea?

This isn't healthy for any of you. What is missing/wrong for you to have become so attached to a stranger that lives in a different country despite having a husband, children, friends etc? You need to work that out.

Don’t give her any money or anything though OP. I’m always worried about scams. The sick relative might soon be needing some expensive medical treatment

You've never even met her in person then? This is ringing all sorts of alarm bells, OP.

I'd be worried about you if I were one of your real-life friends (or your DH, for that matter). It's unhealthy and obsessive behaviour that won't do you any good in the long run.

I'd try and work on the relationships with your real-life friends, you know, the ones who'll actually be there to pick up the pieces when online friendship inevitably goes tits up...

This. Honestly OP it reads like you're falling in love with her.

You're married, so you need to back away, the fact that she's a woman is moot - how would you feel if your DH spoke about someone in this way?

If a man had just had a baby with his partner but was obsessing over thoughts of himself and another male…

Not cool op. Sort yourself out.

This is very fucked up obsessive behaviour OP! You do realise this don't you? Counselling might be your way forward.

This.
Honestly, OP - your threads while you were pregnant were quite concerning.
Now your baby's arrived, you haven't even mentioned it.

OP, you are giving me distinct bunny-boiler vibes.

Seek help urgently.

You haven't even met in person! Did she imply she would come visit for your birthday or is this just something you thought to yourself?

You sound like you're in love with her. It's ok not to be straight...I know you said you're religious but if you're not straight god made you that way. It's not a moral failing, it's just the way you are.

She’s like this amazing kind hearted stunningly beautiful angel that has came into my life and I wish more than ever we lived close by. If we did I know for a fact we’d see each other all the time.

You don't know her at all. She is a stranger to you. You honestly need help because you're living in a delusion.

Oh gosh, I hadn't twigged the username.

Yes OP, I think you should speak to your GP or HV.

I can see why this is a bit unhealthy. I think it’s because I’ve had a lot of friends walk out on me in the past and she makes me feel like I matter. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love my husband and my kids they are my world and I wouldn’t swap them or replace them for anyone or anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I have this void in me that is hard to fill. I’ve been hurt so much in the past and I feel like very few people get me fully and I feel like she really does because we’ve been through similar things in the past. She’s had a lot of people walk out on her and treat her like shit too. I can’t explain it but i feel so close to her

Your kids?

You've always said that this was your first baby.

Yeah