Is is actually common for people to do shitty things like this?!

[hspn19]

My baby’s father left me weeks before I gave birth and didn’t see dd for 18 months. Dd is 4 now and I am over the relationship but even now I have moments where I can’t actually believe it happened. I can’t believe that particular man, who I thought had a good moral compass and was thoroughly decent, did a thing like that. It shocks me each time I think of it. A close friend thinks these sorts of things are common and people behave badly all the time. I don’t agree. I think Dd’s dad was monsterous in what he did, to me and to DD. But is she right, so people do shit things all the time when you don’t expect them to?!

I haven't voted because I don't think you are unreasonable to feel shocked. But yes, people do awful things to one another on a daily basis.

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, but I am continually surprised at what utter a*holes people are - in work and their private lives.

Am so sorry this happened to you @hspn19 but I hope you get to enjoy your beautiful DD and can look back on your ex as a brief blip in a happy future.

that was a truely terrible thing to do, most people don't come across that sort of treatment in their life

@Thingamebobwotsit @aerkfjherf

thanks. I think i will be forever scarred by what he did. I like to think there are still people out there who are who they say they are and could never cause such harm.

Does he see her now? My child's father does more now he's older and he's not single. Lazy article.

Men seem to often find it easy to walk away. I cannot imagine doing it but so many men do (occasionally women too though).

I know someone whose birth father fucked off and never returned. She's 10 now and never had any contact. Same happened to me as a baby. Also see the many, many other threads with similar stories. I wouldn't go as far as saying it's very common but it's also not rare or unusual sadly.

@hspn19 you have your beautiful child - you are the winner in this

I still feel the shock of it 17 years on

it doesn’t hurt but I simply cannot understand why my ex was so unbelievably cold and cruel

he doesn’t have the close relationship he once did with ds as he had grown up he has seen his dad isn’t so wonderful and that is all his own doing

I don’t think yabu to be shocked but some people do do this.
weirdly (to me anyway) I know a woman who had a baby with her partner, he left her when pregnant and had nothing to do with either of them for 10 years. Didn’t see the baby at all, no contact, no money contributed, just
blanked. Mum and dad are now together and playing happily families.
Not my place to ask her how she feels about the fact he walked out on her when she was pregnant and didn’t lift a finger to help when sleep deprived and nursed both her mother and father during their final months,
I don’t know how she can stand to even look at him but there we are 😳

F

I think the word you used i.e, monsterous is absolutely the right word for what your ex did. You are right to feel shocked to your core, and like you will never get over it, because it is surely against intinct to abandon one's unborn child and pregnant partner. Yes relationships can and do break down during pregnancy, but there is a respectful way to do that, and a decent man would want to be around for his new born child. I cannot imagine what kind of person would be comfortable leaving in that manner and not be around for his child.

I'm so sorry you went through that. Does he see his child now, and if so, what was his reason for abandoning you both?

yes they do and this hurts a lot and It's understandable to feel shocked and hurt by your ex-partner's actions, especially when you believed he had good morals.

That has happened to me 3 times. I think it is common for people to be c*nts.

Sending lots of love. You had a lucky escape from that asshole

♥️

Essentially people have the capacity to do really unpleasant things that we just didn't think they would. Most of us have had nasty things done by the people we least expected it from at some point, but that doesn't mean everyone is the same. Last year I had the shittiest thing in my life done to me by someone i had done a lot for over the years but when I was totally honest with myself I had never really trusted them. In hindsight although it seems like they were the last person you thought would do something so shitty, there are often little warning signs we overlook.

People feelings aren't the same as our own. Is the best way to look at it and often t r ying to make sense of it is futile. Men leave kids because they might not have the same bond are scared think they won't be able to cope all sorts of reasons that make no sense to many.

I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. It sounds like you and your DD dodged a bullet, but I can imagine how hard it’s been going it alone when that’s not what you were expecting.

My DH and I recently separated - he threatened to leave me then kept doing shitty, horrible things until I made the decision. He’s been around for the kids (when it’s suited him) since, but I totally get what you mean about the shock every time you think about it.

I hope you’re doing well now and enjoying your lovely DD. 💐

There are many people out there like that. I got bought back down to earth a couple of years ago when i realised someone was not who i thought they were. Its totally destroyed my memories, feels like nothing was real. Theres not a day that goes by that i do not think about it or wonder why or how. So you are not alone. I have not told anyone. Maybe thats part of the problem, but i do not what others telling me how to feel or what i should have done. You are totally normal for how you feel and i think the main thing is that we want answers and to understand something that we never will. I hope in time these things stop haunting us. Dont know that my input is much help…

@Takenoprisoner thank you, such a kind post. Yes he has seen her but as and when it suits and took him until she was almost 2 before he bothered.

It was really odd as I would never ever in a million years thought he would have done something like that. I can’t comprehend it even now. I have asked why he did it and he says he doesn’t know, he was confused and her regrets not seeing her. However he is not exactly a brilliant parent despite that regret, he’s seen her once this month for 8 hours.

I still despise him and feel quite fearful towards him now I know what he’s capable of.

I’m so sorry this happened to you @hspn19 , and well done for being over the relationship and for being your dd’s everything. I know you won’t feel seen, but I see how hard you work.

This happened to my mother, my father then came back into my life when I was aged about 3 because I showed promise in the creative field he is in (he was famous, he’s now dead) and then he was Disney dad. My mum never told me anything about how he behaved till I was in my twenties. I wish I’d known because it wasn’t fair on her he got to be the fun dad. However my mother is mentally ill and wasn’t the best parent herself, so it’s quite messy.

If his return at 18 months back in her life is at all significant, I’d work out how to let her know in an age appropriate way that he’s not perfect, to make sure that it doesn’t bite you on the butt later. Another thread the other day had an op who was a single mother with an abusive ex that has swanned back in and alienated her son. It doesn’t need to be vindictive, just honest.

@SillyLemonZebra thank you so much. And I’m sorry that you have been through similar and more than once. It’s so awful isn’t it, it was one of the worst times in my life

@EricHebbornInItaly thank you for your post. And thank you for the advice. I have actually been thinking about this a lot recently. Wondering whether I ever tell her he wasn’t around initially? But I feel that could really hurt her? Is it best I keep that to myself forever? I really don’t know

@EricHebbornInItaly also, it’s interesting you say your dad emerged when you showed promise in the creative field. Ex often focuses on DD’s abilities and tries to encourage the idea that she will follow in his footsteps (very specialised job). Sadly that makes me feel very sad for her too, he should have been there no matter what.

I really really wish I’d known @hspn19 . Yes it is hurtful for her, but she knows that you are her harbour and safe port. Tbh I think knowing my father wasn’t reliable would have been helpful as he would often flake on his days with me when he had something better on offer, and if I’d known that it was a him problem and not a me problem, I wouldn’t have internalised it and thought it was something I did.

she will also start to realise her dad isn’t as involved as other separated parents, children are perceptive. I think find a way to say daddy loves you the best way he knows how, but it’s not always enough and I’m sorry about that, but you can always talk to me and it’s nothing to do with you.

I think all these things make you a better person. You become more compassionate because you know pain firsthand and it softens you in many ways. The best people you meet have a story. The gentlest kindest souls are not that way by accident. They usually have hearts heavy with difficult memories. Those are the people who make the world go round. - and I know you are
one of those people, a good clean soul otherwise you wouldn’t be shocked at his abhorrent behaviour. The world needs more of you. ♥️

Yes, even though I didn’t realise till I was an adult that it was my talent that made him to decide to have a relationship with me after all, I was VERY aware my relationship with him was all about our shared talent, rather than just me. What was a painfully shy little girl that really wanted an ordinary life with safety and security. I would if you can afford (and I’m sure you can’t as a single mum, I can’t afford myself in a couple) to talk to a childrens therapist about how to broach this. If not that do some research, because it sounds eerily similar my upbringing and it wasn’t an emotionally upbringing at all. I spent my childhood and then adulthood chasing success in my field hoping it would bring me security and love (newsflash it did neither). Feel free to dm me if you ever need. Happy to share my experiences in your dd’s position.