Is is actually common for people to do shitty things like this?!

[hspn19]

My baby’s father left me weeks before I gave birth and didn’t see dd for 18 months. Dd is 4 now and I am over the relationship but even now I have moments where I can’t actually believe it happened. I can’t believe that particular man, who I thought had a good moral compass and was thoroughly decent, did a thing like that. It shocks me each time I think of it. A close friend thinks these sorts of things are common and people behave badly all the time. I don’t agree. I think Dd’s dad was monsterous in what he did, to me and to DD. But is she right, so people do shit things all the time when you don’t expect them to?!

Honestly, there are some truly ghastly people around. I haven’t experienced the type of betrayal you are describing (because that’s what it seems to be to me), but I have experienced financially motivated betrayal, in which my family and I were completely blind sided and sucker punched by people we thought we could completely trust. People can be awful. I am hopeful karma will redress the balance a little tbh.

I’m sorry for your experience, it sounds so painful x

An act of betrayal - yes.

Violence - really?

My ex did the same I'm sorry this happened to you x

@Saytheyhear

They tell a pack of lies , turn people against the person they left behind and make out they were kicked out . Do you think they would be allowed back otherwise ? I

There’s more than one type of voilence. A counsellor described it as this.

The stunned agonising disbelief.

Yes act of violence is the correct term. The word is more impactful than betrayal. Betrayal doesn’t describe the acute shock and stunned disbelief.

You mean like emotional aggression?

If they treated you like that. Then they did you a massive favour. You're better off solo.

I agree that it's shocking when it happens - but it happens more than you'd expect.
Of a class of 23 kids at school, at least 2 of the children have a parent (dad) who abandoned them before birth or just after birth. To me, that seems like a high percentage considering we live in a privileged and affluent area.

Oh fuck off. By all means don't live as a family unit but at least support financially and emotionally the children you have procreated.

Happened to us too OP - the more play groups you go to the more you will hear it and see how common it is. They don't think about what they have done either - ours has swanned back and now expects full custody and for me to pay him maintenance after not paying any himself! They aren't humane if they can do this - like robots.

Sign of narcissistism, I think.

Only interested in the idea of mini me's.

That's how he could do what he did too.

Personality disorder.

forcing people to live in family groups.

Must have been so traumatising for him to have a gun held to his head to get into a steady relationship with the op, then have a gun held to his head to have unprotected sex with the op, repeatedly. Poor guy.

Oh wait ...

Nobody is forced to do anything in our society. You have a choice not to get into a relationship.
You have a choice not to have unprotected sex.
He could have not gotten involved or walked away anytime before the pregnancy & baby.
What planet are you on?

He's just a fucking flake, with no integrity.

I bet you're one of the "monogamy is not natural, cheating only happens because we're forced i to it's contingent too. Well lemme clue you in; male heaters don't want polygamy, they want polygyny - big difference.
They are very keen on monogamy indeed when it comes to their female partners. Do they want them fucking other men, risking pregnancy with other men?; no they very much fkg don't. The vast vast majority of men are much too possessive, jealous and territorial to go for true polygamy. They're wired that way. Cheating during happen because of monogamy being unworkable; it happens because selfish, no morals, double standarded, cake eaters want monogamy from their partners but polygamy for themselves.

Well on here they are common can't speak for every relationship worldwide

Many men are weak and go along with marriage and pregnancy because its easier than them saying they are not interested in it! Reality kicks in and their self preservation also then kicks in and they walk out and go back to their state of denial about it all! Men can walk away from a child without a backward glance because they don't have that biological tie that women have from the start of the pregnancy. They see the child as an extension of the woman who has essentially ruined their life! They take no responsibility for anything and change the narrative to make themselves the victim! I have been a single mother for 12 years since exh walked out on me and his dc and with hindsight its the best thing he could have done for us because he was toxic.

Men can walk away from a child without a backward glance because they don't have that biological tie that women have from the start of the pregnancy. They see the child as an extension of the woman who has essentially ruined their life!

I would amend that to shit men.

My child's father has many significant faults, but he didn't want me to have a termination when I considered it in the early days, I saw his face at the first scan, and I've seen him look after and be responsible towards his child since, I can see he has equal investment in them as me.

It's shit men, unfortunately they seem to be at least 50% of the male population, if not more.

@Changedforthetoday

Did his wife know ?

I don’t think she did - or if she did she never challenged him. I assume as they are still together now at his age his philandering ways are over. But who knows?!

Exactly- narcissistic sociopaths.

What I don’t understand is why OW then made their relationship permanent, moved in and had a kid with him but I think he spends a lot of money on her.

21 years on I am still shocked at how callous and cold my ex-husband was to me about leaving me. He told me I was no longer useful to him and he wanted a trophy wife. People can be real shits.

@Iaminthefly so sorry. It’s absolutely baffling isn’t it? Was there anything in his character now you look back that you think oh actually maybe you should have seen it coming that he could have been capable of such a thing? I often don’t trust myself now with anyone I meet. I can’t trust my judgment at all.

@AtypicalAdmiral weirdly he was on board at first. Said it was great etc. We had planned for kids too. As the pregnancy progressed he became quite abusive and clearly in hindsight was trying to get me to walk away so he was the good guy. He refused to even speak to me in the five weeks prior to birth and I was terrified, I had nobody and gave birth alone. Even afterwards I had to go to cms as he wouldn’t speak to me. He has never really explained himself and continues to live a life as a single man. All really odd. I feel absolutely nothing except bitterness towards him now, which I’m trying to get over still. There’s certainly no love left!

@bord wow that is a very sad statistic.

I think I find it worse actually when men have left when the children are bigger say 4 plus. How you can just leave a fully talking child who knows who you are… that’s even more abhorrent than leaving a baby. But obviously that’s also horrendous too.

All I can say, is that the two kids who have had/got absent dads are both truly lovely little people. And that's down to them having great mums that love them and care about them. Just like I'm sure you do for yours x

It's crazy. I know a bloke who didn't want kids but got his ex girlfriend pregnant. His daughter is ten and they co-parent beautifully. His DD is his world.

Then I read about these shitty men who are absolutely vile and I wonder what on earth goes through their heads! Especially when they decide to demand full custody despite not giving a damn about their kids. @Stinkerantibiotic What was he thinking? 😮

I have no idea - we have Court end of next month and Cafcass appear to be as confused as me (well, they aren't returning my calls) because he doesn't even know which school she goes to... Such a waste of public money.