Is is actually common for people to do shitty things like this?!

[hspn19]

My baby’s father left me weeks before I gave birth and didn’t see dd for 18 months. Dd is 4 now and I am over the relationship but even now I have moments where I can’t actually believe it happened. I can’t believe that particular man, who I thought had a good moral compass and was thoroughly decent, did a thing like that. It shocks me each time I think of it. A close friend thinks these sorts of things are common and people behave badly all the time. I don’t agree. I think Dd’s dad was monsterous in what he did, to me and to DD. But is she right, so people do shit things all the time when you don’t expect them to?!

Yes this happened to me with my ex he abandoned our children and left when I was pregnant with the youngest doesn't have them overnight; hasn't seen them in a year and pays no maintenance! It's common.

No-one's forcing them to be in a relationship. If they want to live alone they are perfectly entitled to but most of them want their cake and eat it too!

Sadly, I think your friend is right.

My first husband was my first ever boyfriend, and I was a great wife to him. I found out at 16 years in, that he'd been cheating on me the whole time. I stayed another 4 years and he carried on doing the same, even trying to sleep with my friends, so I left him. In that period that I was leaving, he beat me up twice, tried to swindle me out of money, and even tried to get sole custody of the kids!

My best friend in the world slept with him, so I lost her too.

My other two close friends didn't call me once to see how I was coping with divorce. Neither did my sister in laws, who I'd been close to for 20 years. Not one call, they just never spoke to me again.

Found out another close friend (my daughter's godmother) had also messed with him (not sure to what extent).

When my Mum died, I had to go through her e-mails to find out who her car was insured with (to cancel it), and I found several e-mails from my sister to my Mum, listing all the things she hated about me, and it contained several lies about me. I honestly thought we were best friends.

I had another friend assault me on a night out, because a guy she fancied seemed to like me.

I met someone after I divorced my husband, and thought he was the one. He got me pregnant, then said he didn't want the baby. To be fair, I didn't either, as I had 2 children already and I was getting older. On the day of the abortion, I got a text from him saying "I'm ready to get picked up Babe xx". He was 300 miles away. Yep, he was cheating too.

Another best friend had an alcohol problem, and accused me of having an affair with her DH. Purely because I was on his side in regards to her not driving her DD anywhere whilst drunk.

My Mum was lovely. But my Dad was awful throughout my childhood. A drunk bully who ruined almost every family event. I am now stuck doing loads for him, as he's immobile. He has softened alot, but it's a bugbear that I now have to care for him.

These experiences have made me very cautious of making friends.

However, I now have a lovely DH, who in all the 16 years we've been together has never let me down. My children are grown up, and are amazing people. I've carved out a little friendship group where I live, and they seem to be lovely girls, but my guard is still a little up. Me & DH have a lovely house at the seaside, away from the other places where previous things happened, so I don't have to worry about bumping into any of these wankers.

Sorry that was a long post, but essentially I agree with your friend. I watch alot of crime documentaries, and the things humans so to one another is truly terrifying.

Men do this often (walk out on their kids) because they can.

They know the mother is here to raise the kid and do all the work...

I must be all fashioned but I also think that if you have a child without being married with the father it is an additional risk that you might be left out with little support/a single parent early on.

I believe what your ex partner did was monstrous, but I also don’t think it sounds particulary surprising at all.

One of my closest friends had her husband walk out when she was 8 months pregnant with a baby they had struggled to conceive for just over 3 years. He had been cheating the entire pregnancy, and some of the time TTC. They had a 6 year old together too.

I can’t even describe the shock. There were no warning signs. They only got married 2 years ago. He desperately wanted the second child. It just baffles the brain. I’ll be totally honest that it’s caused a lot of insecurity in my own relationship with my husband to know that he could do that, and society would just accept it.

My friend’s ex has a new partner (who he’d been cheating with) and has been welcomed into her family. It seems like his life has remained untainted whilst my dear friend’s and her two young daughter’s lives are in tatters. It’s devastating and horrific and I’m so sorry OP.

Yes my ex husband likes to present himself as a very respectable professional man. When we separated he saw his ( high school aged ) kids for about 6 weeks until his affair partner moved in with him.

Now he sees then for about 2-3 hours a few times a year. He expects them to be there on Father’s Day to show off to his partner and he also wants every other Christmas Day.

One child just turned 18 and he was too busy to see then but turned up on our doorstep with a supermarket bag as containing some Lego.

Last year he earned over £400,000 and he paid £14 in child maintenance. That’s not per week, that’s for the whole year.

I bet he tells everyone that’s I’m screwing him out of thousands in maintenance and his kids don’t see him because I’ve poisoned them against him .

I’ve long believed this is the flip side of the most important psychological process humans can do and that is to silo and box off feelings and thoughts about a particular topic. It’s how we survive tragedy and bad things happening. How the mind protects itself. But it also gives people the capacity to do very bad things like you describe. And a very horrific example of the same thought process is what the Nazis did.

It’s human nature to protect yourself at all costs. And men don’t have the biological tie to a baby that makes them treat it as a part of themselves unlike us women. So they can ‘other’ their own baby very easily when in the own best interest to do so.

I think a lot of men find it very easy to walk away from the responsibility of children. I think our biology hasn't caught up with modern society yet and it's instinctually for some men to leave the child rearing to women and retreat back into their man cave. Obviously not all men. My own brother is a fantastic father and husband to his wife and four children they've been together for 28 years and they are the centre of his world. But worldwide i still think there's an awful lot of men who still see child rearing as women's work and have no qualms about walking away from it.

I thought marriage would be a safeguard but it isn’t
We’d been married 15 years when he left
He has stalled the legalities and I am hamstrung without proper support

You’re no old fashioned , you are just naive . Being married makes no difference. You said it yourself - me do this because they can.

A marriage certificate doesn’t stop that.

There are definitely people who are who they say they are. Good, decent people.

But I’m in my early 50s now and I’ve really had my eyes opened to the fact that there are plenty of absolute arseholes as well. For me, it’s seeing how badly men treat their wives when they no longer want to be married to them, and how other men, otherwise men I liked and thought were good guys, take their side in this. Seeing nen, like yours, walk out on their children. Men trying to reduce their child support payments and other men taking their side in this. It’s just become normalized. And then meeting a guy who had created a crafted a fake persona, and maintained it for a decade till he was exposed, which fooled everyone Who thought he was a brilliant good guy, and used it to access women to harm.

So yeah, there are good guys who are what they say they are but I am no longer confident of my ability to discern them from the other men who are not so good.

I was a mum at 16. Daughters father never bothered, and his parents wouldn't see her either because it wasn't fair on their son 🤷‍♀️ he tried to see her when she was around 10 and got a swift fuck off from me. People may say I'm wrong, but you can not walk into a childs life after 10 years and expect to play happy families. We have a good life, and I didn't want him upsetting her by being a useless shit. My daughter was raised by my ex partner since she was 3 months old and has regular contact now. We were together 10 years. He treats her as his own. My daughter is now a teen, and I have been completely honest with her when she has asked questions.

He's gone on to have 3 more children and owes me around 15k in child maintenance.

But our society does not condemn men who behave like this ( though does condemn mothers who do so, very harshly): in fact, men support each other in behaving like this. If society, especially other men, condemned men who behaved like this, there would be less of it.

It’s not about biology not catching up with society. It’s that social cultural attitudes still disadvantage women and children over men.

Haven't RTFT so this might have already been said - I've got kids diagnosed from a young age with ASD/ADHD so have spent a lot of time with other Mums getting various types of help for their kids with SNs.

One thing that's really obvious from early on is that a huge proportion of Dads, once they realise that their life is going to be a little bit harder, just walk away and leave it all to the Mums.

Not in any way saying this is all of them btw, DH has been a rock, as have others, but it's very noticeable.

Cityenergy** surely you just made the same point as I did?

That societal shifts have overtaken our biological makeup? It's instinctive for a lot of men to walk away from pregnancy and the child rearing but our society has changed drastically in the last 100 years, it now dictates that men should remain monogamous and help in equal measures with child rearing but I believe biologically a lot of men still struggle with this. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don't need a man.

Your baby has you, enjoy your baby.

Treat yourself, new hair and make-up. Pamper yourself. If money is tight try your local FE college beauty salon.

There’s a lady in my sons class who’s husband did the whole ‘going to get a pint of milk’ thing and she’s not seen him since!

Because they lie through their teeth and say they were kicked out .

What do these men say to their mums, dad's and all their extended family when they arrive back with bags packed?

How do they justify their decision that they've walked away from their pregnant partner? Surely after they've all got to know you and been to a few family gatherings, they can't wait to be part of the baby's life too?

And the ones who have more than one child, how do they explain to their mum and dad that they've just walked out the door never to be heard of again? Do they too drop the grandchildren and the children loose not just dad but an entire half of their family overnight?

These men have something missing; humanity? Common perhaps but truly devastating for all because there's literally nothing to learn from it - no warning signs or red flags in most of these comments just the total shock of an adult being a different person within 24 hours.

Totally agree. I used to work with a guy who was very charismatic, great company, talked about his wife and kids and how much he loved them. Total family guy.
Hr also had multiple affairs throughout his marriage - also critically during the time him and his wife were going through IVF for their kids. A period of a number of years.
He was totally adamant- he loved his wife and kids and would never leave them. But entered into love affairs that spanned many months on occasions years throughout their relationship.
They are still married (now into retirement age) but I often wonder how could this man who I thought was great do this to his wife and family.

@Favouritefruits must be 50 ways to leave your lover...

Reminds me of the Simpsons. Nelson's Dad went out for pop tarts & didn't return. No loss.

You may meet someone if you want to, but don't accept second best. Live your life as best you can. You will be OK x

Only way is up!

Someone described it to me as ‘an act of violence’

I was blindsided when what l thought was the caring, kind supportive DP I’d been with 11 years cleared off when ds was 18 months old.

He then did exactly the same to another child.It was 28 years ago. I still think about it every day. How could someone do this? And not even discuss or talk about it?