Is is actually common for people to do shitty things like this?!

[hspn19]

My baby’s father left me weeks before I gave birth and didn’t see dd for 18 months. Dd is 4 now and I am over the relationship but even now I have moments where I can’t actually believe it happened. I can’t believe that particular man, who I thought had a good moral compass and was thoroughly decent, did a thing like that. It shocks me each time I think of it. A close friend thinks these sorts of things are common and people behave badly all the time. I don’t agree. I think Dd’s dad was monsterous in what he did, to me and to DD. But is she right, so people do shit things all the time when you don’t expect them to?!

*emotionally healthy

Yes my ex left his baby (not with me) when he was 8 weeks old. Then he left me with mine when they were 4 and 14 months. I should have known better than to get with him. This is many years ago and I am still shocked that someone could behave this way. Twice.

Yep, not uncommon. My ex fucked off and left me with 3 girls under 5. Not seen him since.

I think it’s quite common for men to handle the end of a relationship by being very cold (and even cruel). And for them to allow children to be collateral damage in what’s happening to them. While most women would focus on the children first and herself last. My ex was an involved dad and the only thing that shocked me in our separation (which was a long time coming) was his ability to walk away from his responsibilities to the children. and to do so easily. Like flipping a switch. He became a different person overnight. He does see them but on his terms, he uses them for family events to look like the great family man but in reality he does virtually zero for them. They are older now and see him for the selfish man he is. They love him but are disappointed in him.

My teenage Dd says how they talk at school of the "dad's who went out for milk" ie the men who just fucked off and never came back. She sees her dad but he's an abusive prick who I will never forgive for what he's done and is doing to us. My ds's dad saw him once as a baby and hasn't been in touch since (8 years).

Our society is too easy on these men. How can other men stand by their friends who do this to their children? How do women think these men are a good bet knowing that they don't see their existing kids then go on the have kids with them? It's fucked up.

these men who’ve done this, were they outwardly decent men??! This is what baffles me. Ex was VERY professional, very balanced and came across well, so caring. It haunts me that behind that was such a monster.

@Crackwillow if you don’t mind me asking, what was this man like? Honestly if you met my ex you’d have thought wow, what a great professional person, successful, education, kind nature, caring in how he expressed himself etc. I totally did not see it coming.

Myself and my best friend were both pregnant three weeks apart. At 7 months she found out her husband was having an affair and left her for the other woman. He wouldn't come to the birth even though she was really scared to do it alone. He's had basically no contact with them since. I remember thinking how hard it must have been for her because I was finding it difficult with help and she was doing it on her own.

I also know another lady who's husband left her when she was heavily pregnant (again for another woman). It's shocking but it seems it does happen rather a lot

@hspn19

Same, total professional now (think law). He wasn't when I met him. I raised the kids alone whilst he built his career. He comes across as charismatic, polite, gentle. You would never guess what he's really like. I think it's the callousness I still struggle with. I cannot believe that anyone could act this way. it's totally alien to me. He seems to have everything... Sadly karma hasn't worked. Don't be me and struggle for years with the shock of it all get some therapy to process it. Otherwise you will find he still has the power to impact your life.

It happens all the time. I know SO many people, children and adults, whose dads did a flit. It’s practically normalised

@FourOfDiamonds thats horrific! Why wouldn’t he go to the birth?! I don’t know how these people live with themselves. What was her husband like? I struggle mentally as ex was professional, kind and caring in nature to the outside world. It really shocked me to my core how he did what he did to me, so much so that I wondered at one point if I had caused him to do it

So he and my friend had been together since we were teenagers (now in our 30s). He was always quite quiet, fairly good-looking, seemed a little stressed by family life. I would say I didn't feel like I knew him very well compared to other partners of friends who I'd known for a similar time. When I first heard I was so shocked, I would have never guessed. Since the break up stuff has come out about him having a temper and some small pieces have started to add up.

The other husband I know who did this was also a complete shock. He was a bit of a geezer but seemed completely happy with family life. He and his wife ran a business together and he was having an affair with an employee. I've since heard he dumped this new lady when she had a baby for another woman.

Happened to me
Read about narcissistic sociopaths
Sociopath - must have something abnormal in the brain to be able to walk away from a pregnant partner
Narc - probably covert - who HAS to have everyone thinking well of them, be polite to all, high achieving professional

I'm sorry your ex did that to you
My exh walked out on Christmas Day 2010, when my DS's were 15,12 and 8 and they've only seen him once since in 2012
I simply can't understand how any father can do this, but it's not uncommon.
You are more than enough for your DD

It’s why you get lots of posters on here talking about protecting yourself financially and legally (marriage) when you have DC with someone.

I’m sure there are some women out there who start families with men who have already walked away from previous partners and children. Maybe they think they’ll be the exception. There are plenty of women though who find themselves in your situation who (thought they) were with thoroughly decent men. They had long term relationships and much wanted children. They knew their partner’s friends and chatted to his mother on the phone once a week. If you’d told them how their partner was going to behave a month or even a week before they walked away, they’d have thought you were mad.

Whenever you see posts on here where women are called bitter or ‘man hating’ for encouraging women to be financially independent, to keep working and not to rely too much on future financial support from their partner you’re actually looking at women who have lived through something like you have. Women who were blindsided by men they trusted who behaved in ways they couldn’t have imagined. Relationships end, we all know that, but the decent bloke you’ve been with for 10 or 20 years can turn into a stranger overnight.

YANBU.

My husband left me and our year old twins because it was "too hard". Five years have gone past and I am still frequently floored by what he did to us.

I am so sorry you're in the same position.

I went to secondary school with the bio father of my first so knew him well. We were together for 3 years and then I came home from work at 7 months pregnant and he was packing his bags with no explanation. He told me recently (infront of the kiddo - he was coming home to break up with me the day I told him I was pregnant - ouch).

1st kiddo is now 13 and CSA is a battle and he has seen them 2 times this year so far which is representative of the parent he is(isn’t)!

you can know someone so well but still be surprised at how they are as a parent when the time comes.

I'm still scarred by the same thing 20 odd years ago. It never leaves you and every relationship is marred by it. They Just swan along thinking everyone has forgotten what they did, and other people do to an extent. But t to me it's always there in the background. You will get over it but you will never forget it.
Sending hugs to you

The answer to your last question is because the men lie and say the ex is crazy and stopped them seeing the child and either they don't know where they are to go to court or they don't want to upset the kids by dragging them through court.

I once had an ex who had been denied contact, said he didn't know where they lived, then got a little contact (still had her phone number), she stopped contact again and told him he'd need to go to court...he didn't bother. I would move heaven and earth. I do not understand it at all. I will never trust a man who doesn't see his children. Only a tiny minority will be telling the truth and I wouldn't know which ones are.

So sorry you've had to go through this OP but your daughter will be absolutely fine with your love and support x

@MooMooI2 It really damages your belief in people doesn't it?

I don't want to enter into another relationship at all now. I don"t feel like I will ever be able to trust anyone. It's so sad because I was always such a believer in true love. My ex has destroyed it.

He sees the child I was pregnant with when he left me but has gone on to have a child with much younger OW who he left me for. He has stayed with her & the child

I can’t believe it happened. And I can’t believe that everyone around has accepted it, and our mutual friends stayed loyal to HIM. Professional decent kind man or so I thought, known since we were teenagers and for over 2 decades.

I think educating yourself about narcs (insight narcissism podcast) and sociopaths (martha stout books) can help because you learn this is a personality type and how to spot/avoid in future.
I am scarred also by my former friends and that they see him and his new family
set up and not me.

Sorry for your pain but this is the trouble with rom coms and forcing people to live in family groups.some men and women don't like it.we have not heard his side.only yours

People are awful!!

Aside from parents (mainly men) walking out on their children, the other one that gets me is people cheating on their partners! It's just so heinous, but so widespread too. And again, another one where a lot of the people doing it seem so "normal" and pleasant....

And that's before you get on to the day to day rudeness and selfishness. Just things I wouldn't dream of saying or doing 😶That's why I really appreciate people in my life who aren't like this. Although I don't think most people are evil, I do think thd majority are very selfish, and it makes them do very unkind things when it suits them.

Was he on board with the pregnancy before he left? If he wasn't, I am not saying this excuses his behaviour - he was having sex with you, so he took the risk of a pregnancy occurring - but if it was something going ahead against his will, it is more understandable that your relationship itself failed, even though this doesn't relieve him of his obligations to your child.

I always think that about Matt Damon when he worships Ben Affleck. Was quite funny when Ricky Gervais announced him at an award ceremony as the only person BA hadn't been unfaithful too!

OP I do think these people are reasonably common but in no way universal. I do also think that I was attracted to these types unconsciously. I found when I learnt more about myself and my relationships that almost all my ex-partners and friends were selfish types as I was over-giving. I'm not sure if that's true of you but it's worth considering.

These days I'm not so interested in selfish or egotistical people however charming they might appear unless it's just as strict acquaintances or just for social activities. It's made me much happier.