Selfish Sibling?

[CoralTiger]

Just putting this out there because I'm genuinely interested in the views of others. At present I have an elderly parent who is in and out of hospital/A and E for a number of reasons. I attend the bulk of the appointments because I live nearby to elderly parent. I have always done this. However, due to my own health needs I'm now asking my siblings for help and support. One in particular is being very difficult and makes various excuses as to why they can't help. I'm at my wits end and exhausted.

YANBU. Ideally everyone does their fair share. Do they have a good relationship with parent?

You cannot make anyone take on caring responsibilities. You can just make decisions on what you are prepared to do yourself.

This. While in lots of families everyone mucks in, this isn't always the dynamic. As adults your sibling has the right to make their own decisions about what they feel they are able to do, even if it's nothing. You as an adult can make the same decisions for yourself.

If you need to step back, is it possible to look into help from either paid carers / get a needs assessment via adult social care / see what support might be available from sources like local Age UK / Royal Voluntary Service / good neighbours schemes?

How far away do the others live and do they have young families?

The family are teenagers now, and live a 45 minute train journey away. They have a father who lives with them.

Is your elderly parent unable to go to appointments by themselves? How much visiting do they expect?

It would be nice if siblings shared this out between them, but unfortunately it doesn't always happen that way. Maybe if they have a different elderly parent living with them, they feel they're already doing their fair share?

45 minutes on the train is quite a lot tbh. Unlike a car, you have to check what times it is. Which can mean getting somewhere half an hour before you need to/needing to leave early. You have to be aware of last trains etc

I know how hard it is to feel all the care responsibilities fall on you but you can't make them help and their "excuses" might be perfectly valid reasons

YABU. You can't decide how much caring other people should do unless it's paid help.

My brother has completely sacked off our parents. And they need a lot of help now. DM disabled, DF is her carer. Hes done absolutely nothing for them. I have done everything over the last 2 years and it's broken me (I work, have university age kids, DH, a life of my own (!)) and its been unbelievably stressful.

I've had counselling recently as a result of being depressed and its made me realise that I do too much and I have to reduce my visits etc if I want to have any life of my own. I've started doing that and I feel happier.

Take care you don't do everything OP. You can only do what you want to do not what others feel you should be doing.

YABU. The siblings are under no obligation to do anything and - crucially - neither are you.

SIL could plead this case but fails to recognise that her mum raised her children for her, feds her and them every night, buys them endless gifts and holidays, treats her like a queen in every scenario, and doesn’t engage in the same way with any of the other siblings.

DH tried for a long time to stay in touch but is always rejecting in favour of SIL, so actually no, he won’t be called upon if either of them suddenly gets sick

No. Its your job to say how much you’re prepared and able to do. You have to take responsibility for your own boundaries.

I am the sibling who lives very far away and is less use but I have asked for all the jobs that don’t necessitate proximity so have taken over online stuff, banking, phone calls to GP sometimes. Can you ask each sibling what they are prepared to do to give support eg online weekly shop, so that load is lightened for you? Also what other agencies can provide. Do your parents have £ to pay for cleaner, gardener, carers?

Sorry I didn't make it clear, they don't have an elderly person living with them. I meant the children have a father who lives with them, as in my sister is not a single parent.

True, but I'm an unpaid carer for our Mother in addition to holding down a part time job.

I too have recently had counseling, and presently I'm supposed to be tracking my own mental health needs. I'm actually not asking for much, just the occasional trip to hospital with our Mum or to sit with her in A and E once in a while. The excuses are things like "I will be away on holiday that week' or similar. I cared for our Father when he was ill because at the time my sisters children were small, but now they are not. She has a husband who works from home so there is always a parent around to care for them. I just need the occasional break, but never get it.

I really feel for you. This sounds so hard.

You can only do what you can and want to do.

others can chose what they are prepared to do.

it might seem ‘selfish’ or ‘unfair’ if no one else is helping but if that is the case and you can’t / don’t want to do more - you need to ask for a carers assessment for yourself and ask for a care assessment for your parent. Both from adult social care.

be explicitly clear what you can / can’t commit to.

unless you step back - no one else will step forward.

that might not fit well with you if you feel obliged, that you ‘should’ care for them etc.

but no one has to keep another person warm by setting fire to themselves.

only you know what you can and want to do. Don’t be pressured to do more than you are willing and able to.

What other family members do or do not fo is not your concern. Don’t try and guilt them into doing more than they want to and don’t guilt yourself into believing that you HAVE to do everything.

Why is she in A&E so much? Is home the right place if so many accidents/emergencies? You said you work part time, does your sibling work full time?

Unfortunately not every sibling has the same experience of being parented and so may not feel as willing to step up. My DF was a very difficult man, but my DSis was very clearly his favourite and was committed to caring for him. I don't know how she felt about my lack of involvement, but nothing would have persuaded me to get involved.

That's your choice. You don't get to make it for other people.

I feel your pain. My parents were/are wonderful parents and I believe they deserved my sister and I to both look after them when they need it. Instead, I nursed my dad to his dying day and my adult child, DH and I all share my mums care, whether that’s appointments, shopping or whatever. It's incredibly selfish and unfair. Every situation is different and people have their own reasons for stepping up or not. But often, yes it is selfish and unfair.

You need to take it. It is your primary job to look after you and not run you into the ground. You cannot reach burnout. You can only do so much. If your parents need more, they need a carer.

But someone working from home is working. They cannot be caring for children in this time.

Can you ever be 100% certain that your sister feels they were wonderful parents. My siblings have a different view of our childhoods than me.