Selfish Sibling?

[CoralTiger]

Just putting this out there because I'm genuinely interested in the views of others. At present I have an elderly parent who is in and out of hospital/A and E for a number of reasons. I attend the bulk of the appointments because I live nearby to elderly parent. I have always done this. However, due to my own health needs I'm now asking my siblings for help and support. One in particular is being very difficult and makes various excuses as to why they can't help. I'm at my wits end and exhausted.

It is a choice. You don’t have to do it.

If you were my sister telling me that I had time for a 45 minute train journey and visit because my kids are teens, quite frankly I’d tell you to piss off. And yes you can go on holiday. Just go. I can’t stand martyrs who try to tell others what to do.

You need to work out how much you are willing and able to do and stick to your boundaries. Then tell your sibling and parents this and explain that either paid for services or another sibling will be needed for any shortfall in their care.

I had a total breakdown caring for my DM while my DF was dying in a hospital 50 miles away from me (they were divorced) and my DS was in another hospital 70 miles from me.

Carer’s support arranged counselling for me and with this help I put boundaries in place. I contacted social services I told them what o would and wouldn’t be doing.

It isn’t selfish to put your own health and wellbeing first as your sibling is.

I have to say sometimes I'm glad I am an only DC.

I visit aged DPs who live an hour away fairly frequently, but when the time comes that they need frequent care, then I've already said I can't do this and they ( well DM ) has said they wouldn't expect me too.

I guess we have a different scenario because DPs can afford a care home which will hopefully be closer to me than they are now, but not all council care homes are dreadful and you can't force your siblings to give a certain level of care because you refuse to let your DM go into a home.

@FridayNightGin it's just as well you're not my sister then isn't it? Thanks for your lovely comment and support, much appreciated. I guess you're not up yet, probably recovering from the effects of lasts nights gin eh?

Thank you for all the lovely messages of support, to those who did post positive things. 67% of those polled thought I was NOT being unreasonable, and that means a lot. This was my first and last post on this site. I have found it to be comforting and toxic in equal measure. To those in a similar situation to me, take care ♥️

Or your sibling didn't have the same experience or relationship with your parents as you did and she feels perfectly comfortable in stepping away because of that. Not selfish and self preservation!

@Spirallingdownwards see my next post in response to someone else who said similar. Some people ARE selfish.

Time for you to stop this and let them take their turn, or your Mum gets paid carers.

You can't expect only positive

And we aren't wrong. You have to set boundaries. I've been there.

Well, you got the validation you were looking for. I genuinely hope it lightens you load, because I doubt it will change your sister's mind.

Yes that's as maybe but by the same token some aren't necessarily being so and even siblings don't always know how their relationships with their parents differ to those their sibling had.

I had 2 traumatic events happen to me - one where I wasn't believed by my mother and another where I was basically told to get over it. My siblings aren't aware that one happened and my mother's response to the other. So at the end of the day perhaps I would be less inclined to help whereas they wouldn't.

@CoralTiger it isn't toxic just to disagree or put forward valid reasons why your sister might not be inclined to help.

Your circumstances are clearly very different from mine so I’m not sure why you seem to be taking my post personally. Your relationship with your mum/parents changed because of their behaviour, not because they stopped being useful to you due to illness and/ or old age. Some people are selfish and only care about self gain. My sister is one example, there are many more. Not everyone cuts contact because of trauma, not everyone is a lovely person. That’s a fact.

The toxicity doesn't come from posters not agreeing with me, but rather from posts where I've been sworn at. I've also had a couple of personal messages which I've had to report. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, just to have some manners.

Except you say your parents deserve you and your sister to care for them and I am simply pointing out you don't really know whether that's the case. Because there may be some reason why they don't deserve your sister to care for them that you aren't aware of.

Such a tricky situation. My sil was the main carer due to geography - has other siblings who for their own real reasons couldn’t help enough to lighten the load. It wasn't even clear the load was unbearable as Sil was an appalling communicator and hadn’t shared how things were until she had a breakdown - we jumped in arranged solutions and got paid carers, it wasn’t easy, took longer than we’d hoped, thankfully our employers were sympathetic but the load was lifted.

It all nearly unraveled when sil realised we weren’t paying the carer’s bill, her inheritance was being eaten into - money is often the problem and it’s not that the elderly don’t have it - they or the family just don’t want to spend it.

Things are better now but I’d say the siblings relationship has taken a permanent bruising and from what I can gather from amongst my friends - they have experienced a similar breakdown in family relations.
My advice - don’t do this to your kids - if you can afford it, arrange your own care needs, that’s our plan anyway, to hell with the inheritance.

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time here. You may find more support on the Elderly Parents section.

In an ideal world your sibling would step up and help you out (and your mum), but you cannot make her. It is incredibly upsetting and frustrating and I have been in your shoes.

The level of support your mum will need in the future is only going to increase, so you would be wise to try and get systems in place now e.g. carers/cleaners/gardeners etc. rather than trying to do it all. Yes, it still requires someone (you) to organise those systems, but you need to find ways of taking some of the pressure off yourself.

Looking after elderly parents is hardwork, stressful and draining, you need to prioritise yourself and be very honest/realistic about what you can offer. Focusing on what your sibling will or won't do isn't going to do you any good.

You were apparently ‘genuinely interested in the views of others’, so I gave my view, which lots of people agreed with me on. Don’t ask if you don’t want people’s views and how they’d approach the situation.

Keep being a martyr but you’ll be continue to be miserable and angry and exhausted. Your choice, and it is a choice.

@FridayNightGin Your view included telling me to "piss off" in your own way, to which I didn't see people agreeing with you. Hardly constructive or the best way to deal with a situation. Oh and I'm not miserable or angry, just tired. You have your views and I have mine, let's leave it at that.

@CoralTiger I don’t think it’s a good idea to post on AIBU and expect support - it’s not the best place for that. As a previous poster has suggested you should post of the elderly parents forum, but be warned the central message will likely be the same if not delivered in a more sympathetic way - you can’t make your sister help, what you need to do is reset your boundaries to only doing what you are able to do and bring in paid help/social services for the rest.

This. Those of us who will not have anyone to care for us do understand that there is no automatic entitlement to care from an adult child. It is on all of us to take responsibility for ourselves, and not expect others to do it.

I think it’s an awful burden to expect your kids to look after you in old age - it destroys families and individuals, I know very few families who come through it unscathed. Mil keeps saying she feels like a burden but by god she dug her heels in to avoid having carers, told Social Services she didn’t need them as family were happy to help, which is lovely for her but the toll it takes on the family is quite devastating and it’s time it started being talked about more openly especially now that people are living into the 90s as the norm.

You don’t sound happy and calm.

Lots of people did agree with me, unless they hit the ‘thanks’ button by accident.

Keep your beak out if your siblings lives. It’s none of your business.

What a lovely attitude. In other countries parents are the child’s responsibility, just like we were their responsibility. You can’t simply ditch your parents

I too looked after my Step Dad who was palliative and after he died my Mum.My mum became depressed when widowed then had a stroke had carers but then refused them as she thought they were useless.She did live alone though and managed to do her own microwave meals etc .She was challenging as had frequent falls and after her stroke her behaviour changes and she would get nasty and moan about the shopping I did for her .I work full time .She would demand I collect her from hospital when in reality I do not finish work until 4 .I often helped her to wash as she would neglect herself.No other family helped.I became burntout and had breast cancer and a mastectomy ect .I am certain stress contributed to this.Ring gp say you are burntout .Take mum to gp for a health asessment and a memory asessment also In case she has dementia .I feel fir you as couldn't get help .