Selfish Sibling?

[CoralTiger]

Just putting this out there because I'm genuinely interested in the views of others. At present I have an elderly parent who is in and out of hospital/A and E for a number of reasons. I attend the bulk of the appointments because I live nearby to elderly parent. I have always done this. However, due to my own health needs I'm now asking my siblings for help and support. One in particular is being very difficult and makes various excuses as to why they can't help. I'm at my wits end and exhausted.

Being away on holiday isn't an excuse. It's a perfectly valid reason. Even if they booked it knowing that your DM had an appointment, it might have been the only time they had to go away

Working from home is not an excuse to childcare. Teenage children still need care, a different type but still need parental support.

Yes, my sibling has always said that she’s really grateful for my parents and how secure our childhoods were. They had a great relationship until my parents were too old and/or unwell to help her with childcare.
I appreciate that each relationship is unique and often people grow up in the same household with quite opposite experiences so although I believe my sister is selfish, I don’t think this is the case for everyone.

I’ve been you. This country relies on (largely) women making themselves present to care for their elderly parents. It’s how we ‘do’ old age. If someone doesn’t step up, your parents are fucked basically. They need help. You can’t opt out. So YANBU. What would happen if you didn’t do it! They’d have nobody to advocate for them as they navigate services that simply don’t work frankly!

Mum has had a number of falls in the street in recent months, then sent to A and E because she had high blood pressure this week. Sibling works part time too.

I agree going on holiday is their "right" but equally then can I do the same? As for teenagers needing parental support I understand that, but when said teenagers are out all afternoon with their mates wouldn't that be an ideal time for sister to visit our mother? Actually I don't think 45 mins on a train is a long time, many people do it every day as a commute to work.

I’ve voted yanbu because I can see how much value having help would be for you. However I agree you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want or feel able to do.
Elderly care is tough and something you need to decide moving forward whether it is viable to continue with your mum.
yes you can reduce visits if that’s all it is. If she relies on you though for needs and hospital admissions (getting her there) then that’s more challenging and you might need to think about carers/residential care to replace you.
My mum is great and amazingly healthy and fit for her age. But we frequently say, her and all siblings, that were that to change it would mean that she needed to be cared for by carers where possible and when needed it would be residential care. My mum is adamant she will never be a burden (which is not how some view caring I know).

Yes absolutely, you should do the same. Book a holiday and tell your siblings you won't be available during those dates.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and your siblings won't step up, is it time for your parent to think about paying for care?

YANBU. No back story in our case. Just one brother who did absolutely nothing when our mum was dying or afterwards. Hurt her so deeply as well that he stayed away and kept his kids away.

Yes you have to look after yourself but at the end of the day, someone has to help your parents. Assuming there is no backstory here on your sisters relationship with them.

While it is all very well people advising you to limit your caring responsibilities, who is actually going to bring them to appointments etc? Someone has to. Of course take all the help you can get in terms of carers etc. That is a given.

My advice would be to try not to let the resentment at your sister eat away at you. I had to effectively cut off any feelings of love/goodwill I had towards my brother/sil and put very strong boundaries in place afterwards to protect my own MH from the resentment. Have gone from having a fairly close relationship with them to a very superficial one now. But it was his choice to step away and do nothing and to leave it all to his sisters. How are we meant to act like happy / close family after that? Talk to your therapist about your feelings towards your sister, that really helped me.

Consider having a full and frank conversation with your sister about what she is and isnt prepared to do, Tell her about the effect doing everything it is having on you. See if you can work something out that will give you some respite. It is worth risking a fall out with her to talk about this now. Otherwise the resentment could kill off the relationship you have with her anyway (in my experience)

Well then why don't you? And while you're at it swap the details on your mums medical contacts tk your sister. So when a&e calls to say she's had a fall she bears the mental load - she has to call you to ask you.
It sounds like you're taking on too much but not actually doing anything about it

Agree, how frail is she and whats causing all these falls needing hospital? Are they saying they're mechanical or health related? Is she being seen by physio/ot in hosp?

You book to go away and if need be arrange for carers to come in for the week.

If she's falling that much it might be the case that looking at residential care is the answer

It's not a nice thing to look into but sometimes we have to acknowledge its what's actually best

From experience, you have to accept they aren't going to help and manage your own siutation. Otherwise you will just seethe with resentment every time you ask for help and don't get it.

As much as I understand how hard it is, you have to get in as much help from other sources as you can. Carers, befriending, cleaners etc. Apply for attendance allowance and request a SS assessment if necessary.

You can continue to care for and support your DM but you have to protect your own physical & mental health.

I really do get how difficult and frustrating it is for you OP, but the fact is no-one can make another person Care.

Yes, it's unfair, unreasonable, selfish, etc etc etc

What can you do about it?

You are directing your anger wrongky here.

Your sister had every right to say she can't help and she doesn't need to justify her reasons to you.

Every person is different, and every person has different priorities and different things they can/can't cope with. And every person has a responsibility to set their own boundaries appropriately, and they don't need to explain these to others.

Your sister is doing a good job of setting her own boundaries. It would be nice/helpful for you if her boundaries were different, but they are not.

You on the other hand are doing a poor job of setting your own boundaries. That's what you need to work on rather than being angry at your sister for setting hers.

It sounds like you (understandably) need to step back. That doesn't however mean your sister needs to step up. It's time to explore other options.

I agree going on holiday is their "right" but equally then can I do the same?

Of course.

Having not had a car, 45 minutes on a train is not a case of 45 minutes there, 45 back

Roughly for a straightforward journey, you've got to get there in time, which in my case meant taking the bus that was every 30 minutes, but not timed to fit with the train
So if I had a train at 1400, then officially the bus that got in at 1350 should be fine... But not always because they get cancelled/late so you need to catch the half an hour earlier one to be sure that leaves at 1305, but it sometimes goes early, so really I want to be there by 1300 at the latest. And that's an hour added onto the journey straight away.

OP do you have kids and how far away is your sibling from your mum?

I think those saying YABU need to understand that everyone can feel unreasonable resentment especially when they’re physically exhausted. So on the surface of it I don’t think YABU but I also think that your sister is fine to have boundaries. Being a carer when you’re still relatively young is really not easy for anyone!

I have elderly relatives who have needed a huge amount of care which has come mainly from the women in the family, especially those who lived closest. But I don't have children and when I think about my own old age it's in the knowledge that I'm going to have to be super aware of my own limitations and, ideally, make sensible decisions before I'm forced to. Can you imagine what your Mum would do if she didn't have children? Or if you all lived in Australia or something? The only person you can change in this scenario is yourself.

YANBU OP and I feel for you.

I have a sister who by all accounts is lovely, but operates inside her own little bubble with little consideration for anyone else. I never see her unless I go visit her. My young DC get birthday gifts 3 weeks after the event, and usually delivered by DGP despite sister living 10 miles away (whilst we always personally deliver her DC gifts on the day or in advance). As soon as sister thinks you can help with something though she's straight on the phone, and it's always needed asap and of the highest importance to her.

I would explain situation to sibling and hope they would offer more support, but it's very difficult to change the habits of selfish people. Perhaps you could ask other family members, DP etc to help share the care around?

Since when was it my choice? If I don't do it then who will? Caring for an elderly relative is rarely a choice anyone gladly takes on. We do it because we care for that person. Please don't offend me by suggesting I had a choice in this.

But you DO have a choice
You could arrange carers, not be available 24/7, advise your DM she needs to move into a home...

You know full well you have a choice. Do you enjoy being a martyr?

No, I'm not a martyr, I enjoy seeing my Mum being cared for properly. As for the comments about putting her in a home, is that all you people can come up with? Shove her away in an old folks home? Please don't suggest this, it's not an option. Not all elderly people thrive in homes, many die of a broken heart. I've seen it with my Nan, so I do know what I'm talking about. We don't have the money to pay for a beautiful care home, she would end up in some council run shit hole.

You have three choices:

1. Carry on doing what you're doing and let resentment make you bitter
2. Accept that you're making a conscious choice to make sacrifices for your parents and be at peace with your decisions
3. Do what your sibling does and put yourself first

There is no option where you can force other people to do what you do.

Personally I chose 2 and I'm very happy. I didn't put my mum in a care home but moved her in with me, and I feel zero resentment towards her or my sibling.

What about retirement living accommodation? It can be a really good halfway house for someone needing support but not ready for a care home. The social aspect is also great to stop the residents feeling lonely and isolated.