Selfish Sibling?

[CoralTiger]

Just putting this out there because I'm genuinely interested in the views of others. At present I have an elderly parent who is in and out of hospital/A and E for a number of reasons. I attend the bulk of the appointments because I live nearby to elderly parent. I have always done this. However, due to my own health needs I'm now asking my siblings for help and support. One in particular is being very difficult and makes various excuses as to why they can't help. I'm at my wits end and exhausted.

Parents responsibility to a child is not the same as a child’s responsibility to their parents.

It’s not about ‘ditching them’. It’s about still having a life, work commitments, children, a partner etc. If some people are willing to make themselves exhausted and miserable to look after their parents when others options are available, they’re being a martyr. As a parent, I don’t expect my children to look after me, especially to the point that they’re struggling to have a life and feel exhausted.

A few years ago, someone we know was in her late 40s, with teens, a husband and job and juggling the care needs of her elderly parents. She was so stressed, never had time to eat and sleep properly and ended up having a stroke. She now has higher care needs than her elderly parents. Her kids and husband have essentially lost the mum and wife they had.

Your sister doesn't want to do it.

It doesn't matter how many of her reasons you deconstruct, she doesn't want to and you can't make her.

You're only in control of your own decisions.

You can only decide what you are willing to do, you can’t decide what your sister does. I’d be really annoyed if a sibling was talking about me like this and was saying what I could fit into my schedule.

Stop doing so much, go on holiday. I believe that some people like being martyrs and judging others.

You can though. Not everybody feels a moral obligation to care for their parents and there is no legal obligation to compel them. All we can do is make our own choices; anger and resentment changes nothing about the situation but does make the bearer unhappy.

Just stop and it’s easier said than done. Take a break yourself and recharge

Of course within reason. I’m not saying we should kill ourselves looking after them. However selfishness and saying your own parents are not your responsibility at all is rather mind blowing and sad. The care and organisation of looking after them should be discussed and shared equally if possible or if not the management and decisions of care and not thrown on one person, which inevitably seems to happen. The OP clearly feels that obligation most of us feel towards their parents whilst perhaps the other sibling has too much on or is leaving on OP to do everything. To be clear, caring is also showing care. On a practical level parents need to get to medical appointments etc and if they can’t drive themselves how should they get there? There’s no provision. We live in a culture that is all set up to be earning money and trying to survive so we don’t even have time to help others and be a community. During the last 14 years things have gone to the dogs. Use your votes wisely people.

However selfishness and saying your own parents are not your responsibility at all is rather mind blowing and sad.

If all parent/child relationships were equal, positive and healthy perhaps. My childhood was far from that and thus I feel absolutely no need to support my mother whatsoever in her old age.

She was emotionally abusive, almost killed my father in front of me and then made me help clean up the blood (I was 5) and abandoned me multiple times all over Europe. Me having boundaries is neither sad or selfish.

@MumsTheWordYouKnow
"parents need to get to medical appointments etc and if they can’t drive themselves how should they get there? There’s no provision."

Wasn't the attendance allowance meant to pay towards these needs - allowing people to make their own provision?
Solutions come to mind if no family member is available- the carers who visit Mil will take her to hospital appointments if needed or an account can be set up with a local taxi firm, often they'll provide the same person to make the drop-off and pick-ups. Some local charities also provide this service.

In an ideal world, the elderly person may prefer a relative to do it - but that is not always possible.

Yes I am hopefully shortly getting a new job, as I'm taking VR from current one. I will have a lot less flexibility and holiday leave than I currently do.

If there's an emergency of course I will be there, but taxis exist for normal appointments or I think sometimes the hospital can organise transport.
It's either that or I can't accept a new job and would need to retire with no income age 54.