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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help in-laws anymore?

89 replies

catkam · 13/06/2024 13:01

So I have an okayish relationship with my in laws.
My husband claims they see me as a daughter but I dont feel that they do.

For last couple of years I have helped them where I can such as sorting out mobile devices, helping with laptops, e Bay disputes, pet sitting the dogs when they have gone abroad, shopping, writing letter's,loads of things and it has all been quite time consuming to be honest.

I don't really feel that they appreciate all the help that I have given them to be honest, as I rarely get a thank you and it just seems that the help is expected because I am married to their son.

My husband does help them as well and they have helped him financially in the past and treat him to things all the time from a cake, money, to North Face jackets etc , my in laws are extremely wealthy and spoil my husband but not the other sibling who does not help them.

A few weeks ago they went on a cruise for 2 weeks and asked us to look after the dogs.
When they got back they had brought my husbands loads of gifts and I got nothing.

Not even a thank you card.

Anyway I am self employed and work has dried up and it has hit me financially and in laws know this (husband mentioned it in conversation) and my MIL came over to suggest that I visit a food bank!

I am so insulted by this and I have told my husband to not discuss my business with them and that I won't be helping them anymore as my help is not appreciated and I would rather use that time to be sorting out my business/ making money.

I would never ask for money as it is not in my nature but I do feel that if they truly saw me as a daughter that they would of at least offered to help instead of seeing me struggle?

I am no way saying that they should give me money but help goes both ways and I have so much and wasted hours of my time helping them.

In the past I would buy them birthday cakes and really put a lot of thought into birthday/Xmas presents just to be given out of date Ferrero Rocher.

I have told my husband they will have to make arrangements as I can't help them anymore and I am so insulted by the food bank comment.

My husband doesn't think MIL has done anything wrong and insists that they do see me as a daughter.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FunZebra · 13/06/2024 13:03

Stop then and let them take advantage of someone else

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2024 13:04

My husband doesn't think MIL has done anything wrong and insists that they do see me as a daughter.

I'd be telling him I'm not interested in what he thinks regarding this issue, you are absolutely not treated like a daughter, and you will no longer be their skivvy ever, ever again. Discussion over, this topic is now closed.

tortiecat · 13/06/2024 13:04

YANBU. They sound unkind.

I would say don't leave your DH to pussyfoot about and talk to them on your behalf - it may be an uncomfortable coversation but I would suggest telling them directly how you feel before you step back.

FluffMagnet · 13/06/2024 13:05

Why isn't your husband helping you financially (it sounds from your post as though you have separate finances)? If your finances are joint, and he is equally suffering, I don't think it is unfair on him to share his money concerns with his parents.

But generally, just drop the rope if you don't feel appreciated.

Pinkypinkyplonk · 13/06/2024 13:05

It’s probably not worth falling out over. Just say you’re busy when they next need help and withdraw doing favours for them gently. But you’re right, they see you as his wife, not as their daughter in law!

MadeForThis · 13/06/2024 13:12

Stop helping them.

PippyLongTits · 13/06/2024 13:13

Yes, focus on your work for the time being. If they ask for help, suggest they contact Age Concern.

The lack of a holiday souvenir would bother me too. I'm not being materialistic, it doesn't need to be huge, but a bottle of wine from duty free or something just as a token of appreciation gives a long way.

HildasLostSock · 13/06/2024 13:13

YANBU. I wouldn't bother telling them that they're ungrateful etc as I think its one of those things whereby if a person can't see it for themselves already no amount of telling is going to make any difference. It would either cause an argument or just be frustrating for you but each and every time you are asked for help say no, you're too busy (no matter how big or small the task). If you feel its necessary to give a reason, you're busy trying to build up your business but hopefully repeated no will suffice.

ClickClickety · 13/06/2024 13:20

They are taking you for granted like many people take their daughters for granted. They showed with your husband's sibling that they see relationships as transactional.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/06/2024 13:23

I’d just say you’re too busy to help. I get on well with my dmil but tbh I think she saw me as an extension of dh for many years. Nothing horrible but it would be me she’d call to help with things or to remind about great aunt Hilda’s birthday etc (I never ever forgot and didn’t need reminding) but dh who she would thank effusively (for my labour). Dh would say that she’s really thanking both of us but she quite obviously wasn’t! I tolerated it for a long time as she was a great help with the kids but eventually I snapped and stopped. I wasn’t rude or nasty to her, I just stopped being as available and directed her to dh more. Funnily enough she’s been much better since I asserted myself, it’s like she now understands that I’m a real person. Plus I am far more reliable than dh.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/06/2024 13:26

Also, agree with pp’s. Is your dh not helping you financially? Perhaps they assume that he is or that when they gift to him they are also gifting to you (doesn’t make it right imo but could be how they think).

Gladespade · 13/06/2024 13:30

Absolutely right - I think I would be too busy working on my business to offer all this help. They are not kind and they are not treating you like family. Although to be honest it sounds a bit dysfunctional and like your DH might be the golden child anyway - just because he says they treat you like a daughter doesn't make it true!

Hecatoncheires · 13/06/2024 13:34

@catkam That sounds really bad. You are a tremendous help to them and deserve much better treatment. My inlaws treat me like a daughter. They are thoughtful and considerate and when I do things to help them they are appreciative. It's reciprocal. Your inlaws are not appreciating what they have in front of them. And, unfortunately, your DH isn't helping matters. I don't blame you one bit for focussing on your own business instead.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/06/2024 13:35

What a pair of wankers. No more favours! Is your husband working? Why would you need to use a food bank?

AgreeableDragon · 13/06/2024 13:47

I'm confident by the food bank comment too (it was very rude btw).
Surely if you have no income your DH will cover costs such as food. Does he sit and eat his own food in front of you??
On the other points, these people sound obnoxious and your DH has his head in the sand.

I would definitely be having words with him. (And cutting them off).

Original poster
catkam · 13/06/2024 13:54

I am defo stopping all help and will just sign post them to my husband or the other siblings the next time they ask for help or suggest that they employ a carer.

I have told my husband that his parents are both extremely ungrateful people and that they have never appreciated me, let alone treat me as a daughter.

Husband just said that none of it was intentional but surely showing kindness and appreciation is just normal human nature?

Me and my husband have separate finances and in laws have paid for his car to be fixed, paid credit card debts, paid his share of the bills etc.

I do feel a lot of pressure to help them etc as in laws are form an era where the wives were expected to do everything.

It's like in the past I would give MIL unwanted gifts from the goodness of my heart and again no appreciation, she just expected it.

OP posts:
AgreeableDragon · 13/06/2024 14:02

catkam · 13/06/2024 13:54

I am defo stopping all help and will just sign post them to my husband or the other siblings the next time they ask for help or suggest that they employ a carer.

I have told my husband that his parents are both extremely ungrateful people and that they have never appreciated me, let alone treat me as a daughter.

Husband just said that none of it was intentional but surely showing kindness and appreciation is just normal human nature?

Me and my husband have separate finances and in laws have paid for his car to be fixed, paid credit card debts, paid his share of the bills etc.

I do feel a lot of pressure to help them etc as in laws are form an era where the wives were expected to do everything.

It's like in the past I would give MIL unwanted gifts from the goodness of my heart and again no appreciation, she just expected it.

Seperate finances are odd in a married couple, but each to their own.

But finances that are so separate you pay for your own food rather than family food is batshit!

Your problem is your husband. In laws come a close second!

Olika · 13/06/2024 14:03

Even with separate finances the comment about food bank is unacceptable. I would not want anything to do after such comment. Also them just recognising DH with presents etc is rude. I think it's completely justified to stop helping them and your DH and his siblings can take help their parents. They are not showing any kindness and appreciation towards you so your DH'a comment on that is not on.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2024 14:06

I'm guessing your marriage is far from happy, because everything you've written so far is absolute shit. What's the point?

user1471538283 · 13/06/2024 14:08

You stop helping them completely. I'd be so insulted by the food bank comment.

You are being used. So your DH can do it all from now on as you have to concentrate your energy into your business

Anything they ask of you signpost to your DH. Every single time.

Gymnopedie · 13/06/2024 14:09

I do feel a lot of pressure to help them etc as in laws are form an era where the wives were expected to do everything.

It sounds like your DH has absorbed that attitude and therefore also expects you to do everything. Remind him that this is 2024 not 1950.

And his insistence that they see you as a daughter is his code for 'shut up and get on with it'.

You're fine to make them all his problem now.

Choux · 13/06/2024 14:10

So they help him out even though he doesn't need it but he doesn't help you and leaves you to struggle because your business has hit a rough patch? Nice guy!

DingDongDenny · 13/06/2024 14:11

So they expect the relationship to be traditional, as in the wife picks up on care duties, but at the same time it's not traditional as your finances are separate and your DH isn't supporting you at all despite you having a hard time at the moment

They can't have it both ways. If your DH won't contribute to help you out and his parents back that up, make damn sure you don't help his parents out either

Not2identifying · 13/06/2024 14:13

In the days when wives were expected to do 'everything' they usually weren't expected to work in paid employment...

If I were you, I'd be taking a massive step back from the ILs. You don't have to be rude about it; just give some thought as to what relationship YOU want with them and then act in accordance.

Hye000 · 13/06/2024 14:21

I agree with PP, it’s your husband that is the first and biggest problem you have. When you’re married it should be both of your problems if one is having financial struggles (through no fault of their own). I can bet they wouldn’t help your DH so much if you had joint finances.

and if he gave a toss about you he would be helping you rather than gossiping about it to your in laws unless he was expecting them to offer to help you out?

sound sleep as though he enjoys the hand outs from his parents so he’s not going to side with them over you and ‘rock his financial boat’ by upsetting them