To not want to help in-laws anymore?

[catkam]

So I have an okayish relationship with my in laws.
My husband claims they see me as a daughter but I dont feel that they do.

For last couple of years I have helped them where I can such as sorting out mobile devices, helping with laptops, e Bay disputes, pet sitting the dogs when they have gone abroad, shopping, writing letter's,loads of things and it has all been quite time consuming to be honest.

I don't really feel that they appreciate all the help that I have given them to be honest, as I rarely get a thank you and it just seems that the help is expected because I am married to their son.

My husband does help them as well and they have helped him financially in the past and treat him to things all the time from a cake, money, to North Face jackets etc , my in laws are extremely wealthy and spoil my husband but not the other sibling who does not help them.

A few weeks ago they went on a cruise for 2 weeks and asked us to look after the dogs.
When they got back they had brought my husbands loads of gifts and I got nothing.

Not even a thank you card.

Anyway I am self employed and work has dried up and it has hit me financially and in laws know this (husband mentioned it in conversation) and my MIL came over to suggest that I visit a food bank!

I am so insulted by this and I have told my husband to not discuss my business with them and that I won't be helping them anymore as my help is not appreciated and I would rather use that time to be sorting out my business/ making money.

I would never ask for money as it is not in my nature but I do feel that if they truly saw me as a daughter that they would of at least offered to help instead of seeing me struggle?

I am no way saying that they should give me money but help goes both ways and I have so much and wasted hours of my time helping them.

In the past I would buy them birthday cakes and really put a lot of thought into birthday/Xmas presents just to be given out of date Ferrero Rocher.

I have told my husband they will have to make arrangements as I can't help them anymore and I am so insulted by the food bank comment.

My husband doesn't think MIL has done anything wrong and insists that they do see me as a daughter.

Am I being unreasonable?

The problem you have is your husband OP. Would he actually see you go hungry or would he also tell you to visit a foodbank? He sounds like a dick tbh.

You need to focus on income atm. So yes, tell them to contact age concern or your husband.

Nothing changed until you make it.

And don't breed with him. No good will come of it.

Stuff that. Cheeky sods.

Next time they ask tell them you don't have time because you're visiting the food bank.

You have a DH problem as well as a PIL problem.

My DH says this to me as well, “they see you as a daughter”. Well yes, if that DD was someone who needed to follow the stately homes threads on here, and needed therapy, then yes.

Your DH says this to keep you where he wants you - doing stuff for them. I bet any money that your DH doesn’t see your parents as his, doing things selflessly for them.

As a DIL I have found that I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t, so I now make zero effort.

I was once told, ‘’the only problem with sons is you have to put up with their wives”. Well, let me tell you that you only have to put up with one of me, whereas I have to put up with a MIL, FIL, Great GM, numerous uncles, aunts, cousins, SILs and whatever dickheads they are all married to. F*ck me, there is a coach load of them.

Mine don’t see me as a DD, or family for that matter. It is just DH who thinks I am, for his own reasons. I have actually been told I am not family by them a few times, despite being with my DH for 3 decades, and having the only DGC in his family. It hurt at the time, but now it works in my favour because when I am expected to do something for them I say, “oh no, not me. I am not family. I have my own family to deal with”.

Projection and rant over.

YANBU

Is he your husband or a partner/boyfriend?

Why would you visit a food bank when your husband can support? Does he work?

Was MIL financially independent? If no - I’d ask her what her regular food bank is !

“
I do feel a lot of pressure to help them etc as in laws are form an era where the wives were expected to do everything.”

in the same era, husbands 100% supported wives financially and provided for the family.

Forget your in laws, what the hell is wrong with your husband!

Are you ok with this because no way would my DH see me go to food bank whilst he's sitting on all his expensive gifts.

!!!!!!!! OP bloody listen to this. You’re a live in skivvy for this family.

Just because you don’t have separate finances doesn’t mean people who do are “odd”.

I couldn’t bear not having them separate. We’ve a joint account for household expenses but that’s it!

He's not a good husband if he is willing to let you starve and not support you. Seems a horrid family you've become involved with.

Do you have separate food as well? Why are you struggling and needing a foodbank on your own?

Drop the rope. Find a few good get out clauses 'sorry I can't help as I am working on a key job application this week/visiting a friend/minding my friend's dog already'. Stay firm, 'sorry, no I can't - why not ask DH?'. DO NOT WAIVER!

Eventually they will stop asking you. Spend your freedom up time doing other things that benefit you - as someone above said, people pay for pet sitters - you could be charging!

Agree with others that your husband is an issue too. Bet he loves an easy life and lots of fuss.

Op I really hate that term LTB and obviously it's a bit ott but why is your husband trying to make you think this situation is ok is beyond me. The inalws sound disgusting and your hubby is an enabler.. if I were you I'd call it out, tell your hubby exactly what you feel and stop helping the inlaws. I would also seriously be considering why your husband allows you to be used. He should tell you not to help them if they are this selfish.

OP, it sounds as though you might be in a very toxic marriage and not fully realising.

You are clearly not a team with your husband, but it suits him for you to skivvy for his parents.
Do not answer your phone to them again and any texts, forward them on to him and his sibling.
They are awful people who see you as a fool to be used.
Wake up to it and stop being used.
What an awful family.
You deserve better.

So we pay halves on the mortgage, bills and food shopping.
What she meant was that I should visit the food bank to get food for the both of us.

I pay my half of the bills etc whilst she will pay husbands half as he has been of work for months now due to illness.

I have a little bit of savings my parents have borrowed me some money to tie me over.

They have never said to me directly "we see you as a daughter" this is what my husband tells me.

I have explained to him that it is not my responsibility to be helping them and that from now on him and his brother should be the ones helping them as they are not even my parents.

Did you ask her why she didn't tell your husband to visit the food bank?

Let your husband do all the ‘wife work’ in future to earn all the nice gifts they constantly give him. They sound awful and obviously do not see you like a daughter just a dutiful daughter in law.

You focus on getting a job and tell him that it’s his responsibility to pander to them…

There's a lot wrong with their attitude. Not least that they think their son and his wife should use a food bank. If I was in that kind of dire straights, my dad would NOT be happy, but I don't think he'd be telling me to use a foodbank while swanning off on a bloody cruise.

And yes, if you have been pet sitting for them, any gifts following their cruise should be for both of you - nice wine/food basket to share or individual gifts.

I think you also have a DH problem here becuase he doesn't seem to think aby of this is weird.

Tell them their son needs to go to the food bank if he can't support his family

And maybe suggest presents should be essentials like food not extravagances, since your living standards are so far apart.

I have no words absolutely none.... your absolutely in the right and if your husband can't see it that's on him. He will just be sat patiently by waiting for his inheritance if I'm honest...

Let your husband do all the looking after them from now on dogs aswell. They are very clearly selfish. They have money to help but would rather see strangers feed their own son so they don't have to. Disgraceful.

So do you have no income coming into the home at the moment? Can you get a job?

Unless his illness means he is incapable of doing so, he should be doing all the stuff related to his family’s needs, and you for yours. In almost 40 years of marriage, the most I’ve done is sign cards he’s purchased.
We have separate finances, but a joint account for household costs.
And you need to get a job.