To not want to help in-laws anymore?

[catkam]

So I have an okayish relationship with my in laws.
My husband claims they see me as a daughter but I dont feel that they do.

For last couple of years I have helped them where I can such as sorting out mobile devices, helping with laptops, e Bay disputes, pet sitting the dogs when they have gone abroad, shopping, writing letter's,loads of things and it has all been quite time consuming to be honest.

I don't really feel that they appreciate all the help that I have given them to be honest, as I rarely get a thank you and it just seems that the help is expected because I am married to their son.

My husband does help them as well and they have helped him financially in the past and treat him to things all the time from a cake, money, to North Face jackets etc , my in laws are extremely wealthy and spoil my husband but not the other sibling who does not help them.

A few weeks ago they went on a cruise for 2 weeks and asked us to look after the dogs.
When they got back they had brought my husbands loads of gifts and I got nothing.

Not even a thank you card.

Anyway I am self employed and work has dried up and it has hit me financially and in laws know this (husband mentioned it in conversation) and my MIL came over to suggest that I visit a food bank!

I am so insulted by this and I have told my husband to not discuss my business with them and that I won't be helping them anymore as my help is not appreciated and I would rather use that time to be sorting out my business/ making money.

I would never ask for money as it is not in my nature but I do feel that if they truly saw me as a daughter that they would of at least offered to help instead of seeing me struggle?

I am no way saying that they should give me money but help goes both ways and I have so much and wasted hours of my time helping them.

In the past I would buy them birthday cakes and really put a lot of thought into birthday/Xmas presents just to be given out of date Ferrero Rocher.

I have told my husband they will have to make arrangements as I can't help them anymore and I am so insulted by the food bank comment.

My husband doesn't think MIL has done anything wrong and insists that they do see me as a daughter.

Am I being unreasonable?

What do you mean by 'treating you like a daughter'? Because sometimes that is how people treat a daughter, as an unpaid skivvy -- maybe that's their view of the situation.

Sounds like the being "seen as a daughter" here is in no way a compliment or term of endearment. It's basically code for "skivy". They give you absolutely nothing positive in return. You should certainly stop helping them. I would reduce my time around them tbh. They sound unpleasant.

If you got a divorce you wouldn’t be struggling as you are while he lets his parents give him money and point you to a food bank. And you’d never have to see any of them again.

Something to ponder if you’re considering it.

So they're traditional to the point that they think you should sort out their problems, but not traditional enough to tell their son that he should be supporting you financially?

YANBU. Direct them to DH for everything from now on.

Have you posted about them before? I thought you were going to stop doing anything for them after your last thread?

I'm absolutely horrified that she suggested you use a food bank rather than offering to help you...after all you've done for them. Seriously op, don't lift a finger for them.

This is what I'd do- they suggested a food bank so next time they require help suggest they contact age concern. They can hardly get angry about it if they suggested a food bank to you can they?! 😉you were only trying to be helpful after all

Anyway I am self employed and work has dried up and it has hit me financially and in laws know this (husband mentioned it in conversation) and my MIL came over to suggest that I visit a food bank!

???

The fact this doesn't ping on your husband's radar suggest he's as cray cray as they are. Hence, in typical Mumsnet style, it behoves me to say - your problems lie with your husband and not his unusual-of-thinking parents.

Best of luck.

Your husband is as bad as his parents - it’s a strange marriage for sure.

CFs the pair of them. One way to make money is dog care. £20 per day per dog plus they supply the food is the cheapest deal around here.
Stop everything you’re doing. They sound awful.

Sorry I am very busy at work/arranging work so you’ll need to ask DH/sibling/ anyone else.
and repeat.

I am the person who arranged all the visits to DHs parents, getting DH to book holidays etc. thought about and organised thoughtful and sometimes complicated gifts, sorted things out for them.
In return all I got were negative comments about not making an effort, constant criticism. Shit passive aggressive presents. So I stopped. Some people aren’t worth the effort.

If they thought you needed a food bank, wouldn't this indicate that their son may not get fed?

I would be tempted to "lose" my phone and make myself unavailable for a few weeks until a SIM card arrives.

During that time all requests for help will come through husband and he can reply no on your behalf.

By the time you come back online, they should have got the message that you're not doing it anymore and you won't get the direct requests.

I would stop too if I were in your position. I'd use the time to invest in yourself, your endeavours, education, temporary work etc.

Wait, what? Does your husband work?

His parents pay all his bills, and he pays for what, exactly?

OP, I'm echoing the question from others. Separate finances are one thing but how are the food costs split between you? Do you actually eat separately to DH? Otherwise, the food bank thing is very confusing.

I think you’ve done the right thing by stepping back. My MIL is very similar, huge demands on me to do things for her, as she couldn’t or wouldn’t do them. Then wouldn’t even say thank you, even if i spent hours sorting things. Situation was slightly different though as my partner did nothing and would direct MIL to me. When i challenged them about this, apparently my partner is ‘very busy’ and ‘works harder’. In that moment i knew how little she valued my time and effort.
as a result i stopped doing anything for her, she wasn’t happy about it and neither was my partner but i’d had enough.
For your own sanity and self esteem, don’t go back to being their skivvy, you’re worth so much more!

Who owns your home? Do you both pay mortgage and bills in equal amounts or almost?

I am wondering whether if you benefit from what your in-laws give dh? How will inheritance work? Will dh keep his separate?

Do you have parents? Who helps them? Does dh do anything for them?

This!!! You have a DH problem,

Me and my husband have separate finances and in laws have paid for his car to be fixed, paid credit card debts, paid his share of the bills etc.

Separate for money, together for the shitwork. You need a new husband. Or no husband. But the one you have is broken.

Please Op, can you explain why your MIL thinks you need to go to a foodbank? Are you and your DH like housemates, but you do all the crap for his mum and he'll watch you starve? I don't get it.

What did your DH think when he got lots of gifts and you didn't get anything? Why do you have separate finances? If you don't have any money at the moment how are you coping?

Bloody hell, your issue here isnt your in laws, its your stupid selfish husband.

Why on earth isnt he helping you- would he seriously let you go without food?

My jaw is on the floor at this.

Separate finances/no help when you’re struggling but husband expects you to pick up the slack with his parents? Come on OP.

If they see adult daughters are unpaid carers/skivvies whose labour isn't valued then yes they absolutely they see you as a daughter. Out of interest what sex are the other siblings?

I'd be telling DH what kind of a rich mother would be telling their DD to use a food bank? Therefore you are definitely not treated like a DD. Next time MiL asks me to do a job for her I'd smile sweetly and say sorry I'm sorting my food bank visit then.