Would you let your child do this or am I over the top?

[KrustyBurger]

Currently on holiday in the USA. We are staying at a Marriott so not a motel type set up.

Husband asked our daughter who is 12 to run some rubbish down to the bin next to the lift, she would have to go past about 12 room doors (6 each side).

I said no, il do it as you never know who’s in the rooms and it only takes 5 seconds for someone to open the door and yank her in and you wouldn’t even know which room it is or where she is.

Husband said ok but gave me a strange glance.

Was I being over the top? Or would other parents do the same. It’s nearly 10pm at night here.

Husband's a bit of a clean freak and our bin is full hence not just leaving it.

Except we know this isn't true because when a tourist child is killed in a foreign country, it would be huge news. If UK children were regularly being caught in the cross fire of American gun violence, believe me, we would know about it.

It's like people being terrified of going to South Africa. Frankly, of course I understand that - the violence there can be terrible. But it's ALSO true that as a rule, tourists are NOT the ones being targeted and when a UK tourist is hurt it's HUGE news (and 9/10 he/she was doing something that most tourists would NOT do - like that UK doctor who was driving through a township in the middle of the night).

Of course we are all more vulnerable in places we don't know well. When I took DS to Barcelona, he was regularly out and about roaming quite a wide area at home but in Barcelona I restricted this much more "okay - you can go over into that shop over there and I'll be in this one, but don't go any further" seemed reasonable as a way to ensure he didn't get lost. But it didn't occur to me that I needed to be watching him like a hawk every second at the age of 12.

I'm a bit on the fence to be honest, it would depend on the 'vibe' of the place mostly and whether I felt on edge security wise, but I wouldn't have explained the reason in front of the kids.. saying 'anyone could grab her' .. you'll give them a complex!

Or you could have just said you'd go with her and not give her a reason.

Me too!

we work as a family - putting some rubbish in a bin is a very easy task that I’d ask my 2 year old to do (in the house) .

I’m not advocating sending kids up chimneys but everyone in my house is asked and expected to pull their weight by doing little jobs.

the pearl clutching over asking a kid to put the rubbish out is astonishing to me!

I obviously am mean mum of the year as mine are asked to do all sorts of things such as (gasp) loading the dishwasher , taking rubbish out, carrying things upstairs for me….

… hasn’t killed any of them yet and I believe it has done them good to learn to ‘muck in’ as we function as a team / family unit!

I assess risk all the time as part of my job - ok it is around privacy of data but I have the mechanisms and thought processes that are far more developed than your average Joe Blogs so please don’t patronise me!

Risk has to be age appropriate and contextual, I just explained the ramblings of my eldest at 17 in a City at night. My DD who is 12 goes to the City centre with friends, she goes to the park after school with friends, she sometimes goes for a walk within the locality in the daytime on her own but this is new as I am not overly keen on this. Even her brother thinks this is too young. In the context of being on holiday it is a totally different risk assessment, where you are geographically is a major contextual factor and I think you have led a sheltered life if you think everyone mooching around has good intentions they just don’t.

But to get to the foreign country you've travelled on roads or by train, flown in an aeroplane, travelled on more roads or trains, walked up and down stairs, used escalators and a whole load of other things that statistically will be many times more dangerous than an unaccompanied 12 YO walking up and down a hotel corridor for about 30 seconds.

Should have stayed at home. Although that's not safe either as thousands of people come to harm in their own homes each year, including at the hands of their own families.

MN gets more bonkers by the day.

Risk has to be age appropriate and contextual, I just explained the ramblings of my eldest at 17 in a City at night. My DD who is 12 goes to the City centre with friends, she goes to the park after school with friends, she sometimes goes for a walk within the locality in the daytime on her own but this is new as I am not overly keen on this. Even her brother thinks this is too young. In the context of being on holiday it is a totally different risk assessment, where you are geographically is a major contextual factor and I think you have led a sheltered life if you think everyone mooching around has good intentions they just don’t.

But walking down a hotel corridor in a foreign country is super risky!? Come on. That is NOT you considering risk in a sensible way. You are worrying about gun violence in the US in the context of a 12 year old in a hotel corridor. So you may well be good at assessing risk at home, but you don't seem to be applying the same sensible frameworks away from home. It's absolutely true that in a strange town or village (foreign or not) it's more likely that you'd keep a 12 year old closer because they could more easily get lost. But there's closer and then there's just ridiculous.

Would an abuser really regard that as an opportunity? It can't take long to work out that that girl coming down the corridor is likely to be with her family who will notice very quickly that she's disappeared, that you as occupant of one of the adjoining rooms will be an immediate suspect and you have nowhere you can realistically hide her, and that it is very probable that there is a CCTV camera?

I mean you aren’t really basing your risk assessments on anything other than your feelings on the issue her. Statistically, a Uk tourist being caught up in gunfire is very low because compared to the local population there aren’t going to be many Uk tourists, a child being caught in such an event is lower because most people will not let their children out on their own at the age in a foreign country. The statistics mean the risk is lower but not because of measures taken to mitigate that risk, they are lower because the figures involved are low to begin with!

I'd let her do it. By the time kids are 12 I don't think you can protect them from all risk while at the same time letting them develop vital confidence and independence. It's good for her to contribute to simple chores like taking the rubbish and and to feel able to be by herself briefly in a new setting.

I don't think this is a particularly risky environment to let her out of your sight for a very short time. Do you not let her go out by herself at home eg. walking to school, to the local shops, park etc?

A few posts back I literally used the example of my Mum that was taken in a gallery corridor, yea it does happen.

How often do drunk idiots leave the bar at 10 pm?

@Goldenbear You've left out a whole bunch of elements in that risk assessment you've provided. Not "feelings" but actual factors. Yes, fewer UK children is a factor. Similarly, fewer children as they're not out and about in the same way. These are avlid. But there are others you are ignoring like the most important one - tourist children are not routinely found in the sorts of places where harm as a result of cross-fire gun violence is likely ie areas with high levels of gang or other criminal activity.

I mean, if I'm going to worry about gun violence in the context of my child in the US, I'd be more worried about visiting a school, a church or a shopping malll than a Marriot hotel corridor.

You'd take a 12 year old to the toilet and won't stop until they're 18?

It's a tourist shop in a holiday village in tourist season. Why would it suddenly have "very few people about"?

I wouldn’t let her do it alone. I’d probably stand with one foot in the door and watch her do it (keep her within eyesight) I travelled around America in late teens and twenties and stayed in rough and luxury hotels - lots of dangerous situations and lots of weird people.

chances of anything happening is very slim but what if?

meaning you never do anything where there's even a small chance something could happen?

No, you wouldn't know which room, but the hotel would.

In the unlikely event they don't have CCTV on that specific corridor, it would be very easy to see that 12 yo did not get to the lift or leave through the lobby.

The hotel would be easily able to gain access to every room on the corridor and locate 12 yo within minutes of the alarm being raised.

The average paedophile/murderer takes into consideration the likelihood of being caught and would not do something which would result in them being identified and arrested within half an hour or accessing a child.

I would let my 8 year old go.

If there's going to be a sudden gunfight in the corridors of the Marriott, OP's child is just as likely to get shot if she is with her parents as if she is on her own. If that is what bothers you, just don't go to the US.

Crikey this escalated.
What started off as taking the bin out has now turned into gangland warfare.

I'm prepared to bet there was no CCTV when your Mum was 8.

Genuine question to the more cautious minded.... What would you do on a campsite? Would you escort your teenagers to the toilet block for every wee? At what age would they be allowed to wee alone?

You have anxiety issues you’re being irrational

I have no intention of going to the U.S. anytime soon for a number of reasons. I would actually be more concerned about people with sinister intentions, I have literally used my Mum’s experience as an 8 year old as an example.

I do think lots of this comes down to your experiences in life and if you are lucky enough to have not experienced the bad side of humans and lived in a bit of bubble where everyone is as reasonable as you then your approach to life is entirely different.

Hotels and campsites mine have been allowed to go to the toilet unescorted since they were about 6.