Would you let your child do this or am I over the top?

[KrustyBurger]

Currently on holiday in the USA. We are staying at a Marriott so not a motel type set up.

Husband asked our daughter who is 12 to run some rubbish down to the bin next to the lift, she would have to go past about 12 room doors (6 each side).

I said no, il do it as you never know who’s in the rooms and it only takes 5 seconds for someone to open the door and yank her in and you wouldn’t even know which room it is or where she is.

Husband said ok but gave me a strange glance.

Was I being over the top? Or would other parents do the same. It’s nearly 10pm at night here.

Husband's a bit of a clean freak and our bin is full hence not just leaving it.

I mean an 11 year old wandering the streets in a warzone I would find chilling, but... Greece 😂

13 is plenty old enough to be developing independence. If you aren't letting the leash out by then you are failing as a parent.

I agree with you and so would my DH and he’s pretty slack. Mind you, he wouldn’t expect his cleaning issues to be accommodated by other people.

and we wonder why our children lack resilience! you could stand at the door and watch them do it if you are that stressed. I would let a younger child do this. and its not about risk. its about giving them the tools to cope with difficult/dodgy situations. they dont suddenly develop these skills at 18. they practice them from a young age and get the confidence they need to deal with the drunk person or the mouthy aggressive one or whatever. At 11 my kids took the bus to school then walked. they went on the train into town. they went for countryside walks with their peers. we taught them strategies to deal with things that might occur. Helicopter parenting doesnt do the children any good at all.

This. As soon as I started high school - probably even before - I had a lot more freedom on holiday. I hope the OP isn’t reading this as she’ll no doubt report my parents to the police 🤣 but when I was about 10/11 and on holiday in Tenerife, we were having dinner in a local restaurant. I was mithering for some tat I’d seen at the gift shop during the day so my mum and dad let me walk there ON MY OWN with CASH IN MY POCKET and IT WAS DARK!!!

Its a different situation when 11 year old children are walking to school where there are loads of other children & people about. Allowing an 11 year old to wander the streets in a foreign country, possibly on a road with very few people about is insane. Laugh away if you disagree it won't change my mind nor that of those with an ounce of common sense.

A 12 year old will be followed and targeted in a hotel corridor at 10 pm? How does the abductor know she will be there? They would have to be actively insane to do that knowing that there's CCTV and that people in the rooms a few feet away will hear. I mean, I know that seriously insane people exist, but surely if they fancy abducting young girls they will do it out on the streets, not in empty hotel corridors where they don't even know a young girl is anywhere in the vicinity?

I think my view is informed by my Mum’s experience as a little girl. Her Mum worked in a city Gallery and my Mum as an 8 year old girl was allowed to go with my Gran to work in the school holidays as she would get bored she was allowed to wonder down the corridors in and out of a room she was allowed to sit in, whilst wondering she was taken by a Man coming around the corner of one of these corridors. He took her out of the gallery, tried to put her in his car but by this point the another staff member intervened as she knew the man didn’t know my Mum. The Police were called and he was known to them as he had done this previously and sadly committed assaults.

Ok so two scenarios -

We live in a small village in a rural area. DSD (12) walks and gets a bus to and from school every day. Including in winter when it’s dark. She walks on quiet lanes and paths. Sometimes with her friends but sometimes on her own if they’re doing classes after school.

When we’re on holiday she’ll go down to the pool on her own, go to the local shop on her own and generally just hang around with any other kids she meets…

So in this instance I’m assuming you’re saying she’s more at risk on holiday because she’s in a “foreign country”?

I wouldnt of let them in America
Not because i would think someone would drag her into a room, but more because alot of Americans have guns and there could be some kind of argument / fight with guns involved

Did you say it in front of your child?

If so, she will now think there is some murdering psycho lurking in the corridors

So, when there are loads of people around in a busy tourist town but it's FOREIGN, that's more dangerous than lots of people around in a busy ENGLISH town?

the suggestion that this is just common sense is mind blowing. But I appreciate it won't change your mind.

What I find as nuts is people making a big deal of dh asking his child to put a bin out, do people never ask their kids to put something in the bin for them?!

More at risk in a country like America - YES!

I had no problem developing this skills at an appropriate age, I don’t think 12 is it and I think 11 is far too young for country walks. My eldest is 17 and walks around on his own all the time, in fact I ask to collect him When it is midnight + but he won’t let me, he’s fine is definitely resilient, 17 is very different to 12, I would know as I have both ages of children.

I would have reacted exactly like you. Also, my husband would have gone himself. No transcendent existential lesson lost for your daughter, don't let the preachers around here get to you 😂
I recommend Gavin De Becker books, by the way 😉

This book is a good one on the topic of how being overly fearful and restrictive is harming kids.

https://www.thecoddling.com/

In a foreign country at age 11? This post has given me the chills 🤦‍♀️

Greece is actually quite nice and warm. No need for chills. 🤣

The OP is in the U.S, gun crime and innocent bystanders caught up in that violence is a very real thing. I think being an obvious tourist child is more risky because you are more vulnerable in that you don’t know your way around. Surely, it depends on the country as well? Not every country is safe.

Seriously. I have no words...

But your language is amping up the drama for creative effect here, and I'm not really sure why you're doing that....she wasn't 'wandering the streets' - which implies a far longer period of time unsupervised, in a completely unfamiliar and much larger place. She went two doors up to a shop we had been in several times that day. It was probably roughly the distance of the Marriott corridor. DH and I were sat having a drink outside in very tiny village square. DD was out of our sight for about 2 minutes. And yes I know an awful lot could occur in 2 minutes, but she was also travelling to and from school alone at this time, as do most other children. And 'possibly on a road with very few people about'...Please don't imply things unrelated to what I said, to build on your dramatic narrative.

I have a lot of work to do but am being hugely distracted by this thread. I can't get my head around the level of fear some people live with, or their inability to assess risk. Or their unwillingness to teach their children how to navigate the world and learn resilience.

I mean, the gun violence in America IS an issue, I agree. And Dh and I have discussed that it might make us hesitant to ever move there. But to refuse to allow a 12 year old to walk down a corridor or to be this fearful that a child can't go from the pool to the hotel room on their own is just bizarre.

There were a few parents like this around when DS was in primary school. There probably are with DD too but I just haven't come across them yet.

I think we are doing our children a massive disservice by trying to remove all risk from them. I worry about mine when they are not with me, of course I do. But I think the positives of them learning these skills, gaining confidence, having different experiences etc outweigh that completely.

But it isn’t restrictive to apply age appropriate logic.

Also, the book isn’t going to offer a balanced view on this, it’s trying to sell a theory that is one sided.

Wow this is paranoid. I wouldn't have thought twice. She's 12, not 2!

Some really extreme helicoptering going on here. Nearly as much fun as 'do you let your children out to play' or 'leave them in the car while you play for petrol' threads?

Who knew putting the rubbish out in a Marriot hotel was such a risky and dangerous activity?

Mumsnet never fails to entertain. 🤣

The whole 'its a foreign country' thing is so strange. My parents also viewed safety as different in foreign countries, but the other way round! Me and my brother were allowed to roam freely on holiday, in a way we weren't allowed to do back home in the UK. I remember biking around with him in Holland and getting lost and wandering for ages until we saw something we recognised and were able to find our way back. Parents not bothered at all. But at home when I went rollerskating elsewhere than on our street, when I was a year or two older, my mum was not happy!