My daughters dad and his epilepsy

[leavingabusetoday]

I understand epilepsy is a very hard condition which fully takes over someone’s life. However and I’m ready to be called all sorts of words but I need to understand if I need to look at myself or if my feeling are valid.

my daughter is 2 soon and I have never had a night off he will come here to spend the night but won’t have her anywhere else. He said his mum says no but when I asked his mum she said I kept cancelling (I had no idea of any arranged and As she doesn’t know the truth doesn’t want to be involved which is fair not her job to have her child. The thing is it’s not just over nights he won’t even take her out so I can have a bath (I bath with her as she never leaves my side) and I don’t get 20 minutes to get a cup of tea.

now normally his reason is he’s having sezures which is where the epilepsy comes in however he also never sends me money again saying he would and on the money days when he is coming to drop it off he has a sezure (he works cash in hand so going to child maintenance would do no help).

I do believe he has sezures but do his sezures over right my need of a break and money. He still goes to the pub and lives a life he isn’t bed ridden otherwise I would know I was being a dick. I also have CLL (a chronic cancer) however it’s so early I have no symptoms except lumps but I do get exhausted and I’m struggling with my dignosed (I’ve missed scans to lack of childcare and he is her dad. My other support is my sister who’s a teacher who can’t take time off my mum who has lung cancer stage 4 and my dad who’s getting tested for dementia however I’m sure it’s just the stress that’s making him forgetful.

sorry to massively over share he called me abusive for not caring about his epilepsy and that he’s struggling and has huge health issues and I don honestly really care we had a child together but why does his over take mine.

Bit confused here - are you saying he refuses to give you child maintenance (in cash) because he claims to have a seizure when he is meant to do so?

Exactly this he said on Saturday I'll bring your money up tomorrow then when I emailed fo see if he was bringing the money uo a sezures. Today I asked if he could have our daughter so I could have a bath as I'm stressed about something else and he was like sorry had a sezure but it is every time

I just want to also add he happily will come sit at mine with me in and asked for £20 last week and I stupidly let him because I want my daughter to have a dad so when he is gaining he will 100% come and do it just not if I can do something or if he is helping me

well, he can't care for a two year old if he is having seizures. What do you want him to do?

Is he taking medication for his seizures?
do they affect his ability to work? If not, I’d probably call him out on the convenience of his seizures relating to him having contact and providing you with maintenance.

Go via CMS. You aren’t getting maintenance as it is in the current format so go down the formal route.

What happens if he comes over, spends time with DD and you go out? Are you able to do that?

Why can he work on the books? He can go to the pub but won’t take his daughter to the park for 30 minutes.
is he under the care of a dr for his condition? Does he try to manage the seizures via lifestyle and medication? Some seizures can be brought on with alcohol.

I understand this but he manages to go to every festival and night out he wants (he does have sezures I have seen it but they just seem so convenient. I do honestly feel the same way and wanted this kind of response just annoys me that I have cancer and miss appointments literally all since my diagnosis yet he can go pub weekends yet not make one single appointment I have. And I can't argue it because then I look selfish because exactly your depends he can't help if he's having sezures

This is what I say he does have a neurologist and goes to those appointments however he does drink large amounts of alcohol and he works as a roofer 5 days a week and to rub things in worst he babysits his step sisters kids so he is fully able to watch kids by himself

Does he have an epilepsy diagnosis i.e. generally started I'm early childhood, is medicated daily and prescribed rescue medication? For most people by adulthood this is brought under control and seizures are unpredictable but infrequent. A lot of people have a functional seizure conditions which they themselves call epilepsy but it is not.

When he comes over I stay as he hardly knows her however he's been here 5 weeks in a row on Saturdays so he is completely capable now of walking her round the park and in fact she asks for dadadada a lot

If his seizures are poorly controlled is he safe working at heights? Does he say why he can sit for his step sister but can't have his own child?

He had post trumatic epilepsy (I've googled it never found anything however I have seen his mediciatiom. I don't know much about epliepsu I will admit and I understand he can't have her and sezuire but I was with him for 3 years and he's been at mine ( weeks in a row (for a few hours on a Saturday) and I have never seen him sezure

I dont understand - if he has seizures, he CANNOT supervise your child - there is nothing to discuss or negotiate. maybe when she is older, 7 or 8, and has seen how you manage the seizures, and knows what to do.

Dont miss appointments. take your child with you if necessary

So he finds he's OK to work on a roof but can't look after a child?!? Many true epileptics are perfectly capable of raising families and working around their condition.

He said she needs the help (she has schizophrenia) but I have early stage of cancer and relaly want a bath with no kids in it 😂 I'm not even asking for a night out or anything literally a cup of tea in peace

This is a really hard one. I had a colleague who, after training for years, had to move into another line of work where they could work from home entirely (pre-Covid before it was a ‘thing’) when their wife was on maternity leaves for each child as she had uncovered rolled seizures and could not be left alone with sole supervision of babies/children. Having uncontrolled seizures didn’t mean the wife didn’t work when not in mat leave, didn’t mean she didn’t go shopping or do things, she just couldn’t be sole carer and have kids with her on her own. She was happy to take the risk of a seizure when she was on her own but it wasn’t appropriate as a sole carer. Maybe your ex-partner has the same issue, he is accepting if risking a seizure when down the pub or at a music festival but not while walking down a street with a 2yo on their way to a park or whatnot? Or, maybe he doesn’t have uncontrolled seizures and is just a dick? Who knows.

If he wanted to care for his child he'd find a way to make it work. He clearly doesn't.

I appreciate this answer it's a really hard one and I feel the same I honestly don't know but it's true it's hard that I'm a sole career and it's hard to watch him live a life leaving me to do it all'. He has never had a sezure awake they are always in his sleep but I guess a a fear is a fear

Sorry to ask but I’m not understanding, with the bath. Why can’t you have a bath in the evening while your 2yo is in bed asleep? What time do they go to bed and what is their sleep like?

Does he drive?
What work does he do?
What type of seizures does he have?
Is he medicated?

He needs to have a complete epilepsy work up, get his meds reviewed to control the seizures, and take some responsibility for his child and his obligations.

He is obviously lying to his mother about you cancelling visits, as he doesn’t want to take responsibility.

To give yourself a bit of breathing space, directly ask his mother if she would like to have your child for a few hours (as long as the child knows her and is comfortable with her). He is not going to step up, so find an alternative to give yourself some time to rest and to cultivate some interactions with the grandmother.

My ex has epilepsy - he luckily got an aura just prior to his seizures, and the only things he couldn’t do due to his epilepsy were things like going swimming/bath my DC, drive, etc.

There's nothing you can do. You're a lone parent,adjust your mindset to not expecting anything from him, it will be less frustrating.

Just because someone has a health condition doesn't mean they are completely decent people, it sounds like he does have epilepsy but also abusing it to get out of doing things he doesn't want to do, like parenting and paying for his child.

He's an epileptic and a feckless twit.

It sounds like he's not an epileptic.

https://neurosymptoms.org/en/symptoms/fnd-symptoms/functional-dissociative-seizures/

Most don't have real control over the seizures, but they're not a medical emergency. Typically occur with a stress trigger/when upset.

I don't know OP - how severe are his seizures. Are they grand mal or petit mal. I ask this because I have had epilepsy all my life and the only thing that I could never do was drive. I babysat numerous kids as a teenager and later on my nieces and nephews.

Also the fact that he works as a roofer makes me even more suspicious that he is just using this as he couldn't be arsed.

I was about to say 'Well, I can see why it might be dangerous for someone who has frequent epileptic seizures to have sole care of a two-year-old' and then I saw that he apparently manages to work AS A ROOFER.

If he works every day as a roofer and has not yet fallen to his death, then I'm guessing his seizures are, in fact, very much under control most of the time.

As he works cash in hand, my guess is that he also doesn't declare any income. This means he's not only evading his obligation to pay tax, but presumably will also be able to make a false income declaration if you pursue him for money via CMS.

Basically, your ex is a deadbeat waste of space who doesn't care about his daughter and will never support her. The fact that he also has epilepsy is completely irrelevant. He's not going to change so you need to face up to the fact that you are going to be parenting your daughter solo. Up to you whether he remains a part of her life - he clearly doesn't care either way.