My daughters dad and his epilepsy

[leavingabusetoday]

I understand epilepsy is a very hard condition which fully takes over someone’s life. However and I’m ready to be called all sorts of words but I need to understand if I need to look at myself or if my feeling are valid.

my daughter is 2 soon and I have never had a night off he will come here to spend the night but won’t have her anywhere else. He said his mum says no but when I asked his mum she said I kept cancelling (I had no idea of any arranged and As she doesn’t know the truth doesn’t want to be involved which is fair not her job to have her child. The thing is it’s not just over nights he won’t even take her out so I can have a bath (I bath with her as she never leaves my side) and I don’t get 20 minutes to get a cup of tea.

now normally his reason is he’s having sezures which is where the epilepsy comes in however he also never sends me money again saying he would and on the money days when he is coming to drop it off he has a sezure (he works cash in hand so going to child maintenance would do no help).

I do believe he has sezures but do his sezures over right my need of a break and money. He still goes to the pub and lives a life he isn’t bed ridden otherwise I would know I was being a dick. I also have CLL (a chronic cancer) however it’s so early I have no symptoms except lumps but I do get exhausted and I’m struggling with my dignosed (I’ve missed scans to lack of childcare and he is her dad. My other support is my sister who’s a teacher who can’t take time off my mum who has lung cancer stage 4 and my dad who’s getting tested for dementia however I’m sure it’s just the stress that’s making him forgetful.

sorry to massively over share he called me abusive for not caring about his epilepsy and that he’s struggling and has huge health issues and I don honestly really care we had a child together but why does his over take mine.

So regardless of his health situation you should go through cms because clearly he isn't financially supporting his child.

If he does have seizures (which may or may not be epilepsy) then he probably shouldn't be left with sole care of a child as if he seizes it will be dangerous.

Many people with disabilities do stuff they are not supposed to do. If he is going to the pub/to festivals etc it's just his self he's putting at risk. This is obviously different to having sole care of a child.

Can you try and get support elsewhere? It seems unlikely you are going to get it from him.

He has uncontrolled seizures and works at heights for cash in hand, then comes to your house asking for $20? He doesn't sound a very reliable or sensible person, I don't think you can expect much from him at all. With every seizure, he is losing more brain matter. He is not going to improve. He'll get worse. I'm sorry, but make plans for the rest of your daughters life that don't involve or count on him.

Pretty offensive @ladycardamom. Seizures typically don't cause loss of brain matter. I'm bowing out. Read up about epilepsy.

A roofer with epilepsy, I’ve heard it all now!

Don't bother- pretty sure you won't find one. In fact it's laughable to be honest.

I would view his claims suspiciously too op. Your ex is telling you that he has frequent seizures, yet it sounds as though they only happen when you want something from him. He is able to work as a roofer and ( presumably) has never had a seizure at work, given that it would likely result in him falling off a roof and causing serious injury to himself ( and potentially others). Working at height would be a massive no, unless he has zero interest in self preservation.

Does he drive OP?

If he is only having them at night then there is nothing stopping him doing anything during the day, working, driving etc, looking after children etc, as long as he hasn't had any awake seizures for a certain period of time.

Having sleep seizures does not stop you living a normal life, but I wouldn't be expecting him to have him overnight on his own, any daytime stuff should be fine though.

I think he's hamming it up to get out of his responsibilities personally.

Sceptical me is wondering if he does actually have epilepsy/seizures? Even if controlled, roofer sounds like a pretty optimistic job for anyone who has epilepsy, just because the severity of risk of it happening one time, is so high.

Also the reason I mention it is because some drugs used for seizures are commonly sold black market and abused (pregablin being an example)

Sorry to say but regardless of any health condition he may or may not have, he's not treating you fairly and he's not a good role model or care giver to his daughter. He's taking advantage of the fact that you'll tolerate a lot because you want a dad in her life. He's not worth it.

Hi I just wanted to post thank you for all the replies some made me think about epilepsy some heighten my suspicions with him (the main reason we Brooke up years ago) I just wanted to give my daughter a dad and I realised I don't trust him. I will go to cms although they won't get me money just for the point. And I wii email him and explain I'm confused but I understand currently the help isn't avalible and explain. He can contact me to see our duaghter but I won't expect it

He works as a roofer and has uncontrolled epilepsy- that does not sound sensible.
Sounds like he’s using his condition so he doesn’t have to cough up his time or money.

I’d be tempted to contact his work to raise your concerns of an epileptic roofer, surely their insurance can’t cover this?!

He would get lifts of mates or taxis as he can't drive he also walks miles

This is great for your friend, and peculiar in this circumstance, but 30 percent of epilepsy is uncontrolled @feetuplater. There's many people with epilepsy living out there who sadly have very restricted lives because they're seizing constantly. Epilepsy is an umbrella term and very much misunderstood. @Ksqordssvimy

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply somehow that epilepsy was an 'easy condition'. It's taken my friend several years to get to a point of being fairly well-controlled but not everyone is so fortunate and it can be totally debilitating. I know someone else with the same type as epilepsy and she is not able to work due to how badly it impacts her life.

Didn't mean to sound insensitive but my comment was in relation to the OP's ex. I would think that if someone was well enough to work full time that being able to look after his child for a couple of hours occasionally would also be possible.

I’m not going to lie I did think of doing this the job and his epilepsy never made sence to me but seeing so many confused I agree I also do care about him as my daughters dad and made me concerend for his safety but wish I didn’t as he doesn’t care about his daughters

No problem @feetuplater - glad she's doing better

He’s making excuses and you know it. He’s not going to step up as you want so I would just forget about him

If he wants contact, let him take her to the park, not stay in your home. Claim CMS. You are relying on him far too much.

Yes he knows that’s why he was coming to mine he just plays on his epilepsy I snapped yesterday because none of it was making sence and I don’t care if he never wanted to be involved but the fake I’ll be there and drop you some money tomorrow and I’ll take her out and then texting 5 hours later sorry I had a sezure however he still lives a life looks after his sister kids and works made no sence and I really struggle being the person to cut him off as it’s my daughters dad but also can’t live on his time either and wanted to know others who have got epilepsy for how it works as I have never had experience with it . My friend does have it but completely controlled and my other friends sister has it so bad she’s bedridden but as pp said it seeks to cover lots of people

Drop him. Stop expecting help from him. Go through CMS for maintenance.

Works as a roofer and can drink but can’t look after a child? What an arse.

It sounds as if you think that he plays on his epilepsy (and lies about having seizures if this is convenient to him) but does actually have it. (Or do you think he is making it up completely?)

If he has uncontrolled epilepsy that causes him to be 'absent' in some way (even only occasonally) he wouldn't be allowed to drive (or be a roofer)... or care for a young child who needed supervision .

You can't choose when you have a real seizure.
Some people get a little warning before a seizure - but often not long and sometimes not at all. Some people have dogs trained to warn them a seizure is coming - so that they can lie down and be safe when it happens.

Although you would like help, it would be unsafe to leave him in sole charge of your child!

Of course you can have a bath etc. Wait till shes asleep. Will she get a nursery place at age 2?

I have uncontrolled epilepsy, diagnosed at the grand old age of 38. I personally wouldn't want to be solely responsible for any child under the age of 7/8.

I do think he's playing on his epilepsy. Also that he hasn't told his employer about it as I very much doubt he would be a roofer while having seizures, that is incredibly dangerous

@leavingabusetoday In the same way cancer is an umbrella term, so is epilepsy. There's many different types: tonic clonics (what you probably imagine, full body shaking), Todd's Paralysis, auras, some horrific types in children which leave them in resus, having seizures daily and fighting for their life.
The only way to cure epilepsy is to have the focal point in the brain (where the seizures start) cut out.
However, in about 70% of people it's controlled by medication. This means, in most cases and if they're seizure-free for a year, they can drive. They can also likely do jobs like roofer etc. It can be almost like not being ill.
But, that leaves 30% who are having seizures. And among the 70% they might lose control - just because you gain freedom doesn't mean you keep it.
Another thing to consider of the 30% uncontrolled is "how bad is it?" It might mean a seizure once a month at night or it could mean five a day. Each person with epilepsy is hugely different.
Your child's father, if he's got epilepsy, should be under the care of a neurologist.
If it is uncontrolled and remains so he would likely be having MRI, EEGs and plenty of hospital stays to determine what best course of action.
Having uncontrolled epilepsy is a heavy burden. There's the titration up and tapering down of drugs which makes you very ill in some circumstances (anti-epiletics can have very strong side effects).
There's also the lack of realisation that you're ill. People think you look well, not realising a seizure is like being beaten up internally and there's a massive psychological impact. Depression and anxiety is rife.
But - like I say - each seizure is really different, depending on where in the brain they start and how they spread.
This is just about epilepsy.
Functional seizures don't have a physiological cause (so they're not caused by the brain's electrical currents going haywire, but probably a psychological cause - but are no less valid).
If you're in an abusive relationship or unhappy you can leave, irrespective of illness.

My eldest daughter's dad has epilepsy and doesn't care for her on his own, she stays at his parents every other weekend and he stays there too. It's really hard I feel for you.

I don't mean this in a harsh or a nasty way. I have been through similar and I am going to tell you the same way as my friends told me so I'd wake up and sort my life out:

He is a bum, epilepsy or no epilepsy. He does not care about his daughter and you cannot change that. Missing appointments and being unable to have a bath is something YOU need to change. Put your big girl panties on and stop relying on a feckless father and sort something out. Use nursery/babysitters. Make friends with other parents/single mums and see if they'll help you out. Take your life back and stop waiting for something that you'll never get.

I’m a lone parent with uncontrolled epilepsy and I still manage to do everything for Dd so he is pulling a fast one.

Unless he’s having tonics or complex partials constantly (which he surely isn’t being a roofer!!) he is capable of looking after a child. But you do have to put a lot of measures into place to ensure safety of the child which is just sounds like he can’t be bothered to do.

I would go through CMS and stop negotiating with him. If he wants to be a dad he will find a way around it all.

You unfortunately have to stop relying on him and sort out alternate childcare. I know it’s expensive but it’s your only option.