My daughters dad and his epilepsy

[leavingabusetoday]

I understand epilepsy is a very hard condition which fully takes over someone’s life. However and I’m ready to be called all sorts of words but I need to understand if I need to look at myself or if my feeling are valid.

my daughter is 2 soon and I have never had a night off he will come here to spend the night but won’t have her anywhere else. He said his mum says no but when I asked his mum she said I kept cancelling (I had no idea of any arranged and As she doesn’t know the truth doesn’t want to be involved which is fair not her job to have her child. The thing is it’s not just over nights he won’t even take her out so I can have a bath (I bath with her as she never leaves my side) and I don’t get 20 minutes to get a cup of tea.

now normally his reason is he’s having sezures which is where the epilepsy comes in however he also never sends me money again saying he would and on the money days when he is coming to drop it off he has a sezure (he works cash in hand so going to child maintenance would do no help).

I do believe he has sezures but do his sezures over right my need of a break and money. He still goes to the pub and lives a life he isn’t bed ridden otherwise I would know I was being a dick. I also have CLL (a chronic cancer) however it’s so early I have no symptoms except lumps but I do get exhausted and I’m struggling with my dignosed (I’ve missed scans to lack of childcare and he is her dad. My other support is my sister who’s a teacher who can’t take time off my mum who has lung cancer stage 4 and my dad who’s getting tested for dementia however I’m sure it’s just the stress that’s making him forgetful.

sorry to massively over share he called me abusive for not caring about his epilepsy and that he’s struggling and has huge health issues and I don honestly really care we had a child together but why does his over take mine.

I am just trying to think of a job less suited for someone who (apparently) has seizures than a fucking roofer.

Struggling.

@SleepyRich you can't diagnose someone with functional disorder just because he is a shit dad who won't pay maintenance.

He seems to not take his diagnosis seriously in regards to his own safety, working on roofs, drinking etc.
He should pay OP maintenance and obviously is lying to his Mother.
But safety wise unfortunately he is doing the right thing....whether or not he is doing it for the correct reason.

I have epilepsy, now well controlled, I have my licence back again etc.

It went haywire after I had DS and I was having multiple seizures a day for 3 years until the neuros and drugs could get it under control again. I actually asked for help from SS and they provided childcare for DS as I was unable to look after him on my own.

Perhaps this could be an option? There is respite care available sometimes even a few hours a week, especially if you have health issues yourself.

Once DS was about 3, could walk and talk and had some idea of sense I started minding him on my own - luckily his old childminder lived 2 doors down. I had his address always in his pocket. He knew how to use the phone. We live on a quiet street, he knew not to go out the unlocked front door unless mummy lay down.
I dressed him in bright clothes so if I did have a seizure when out I could find him once I came round etc etc.

OP he isn't safe to look after your child, he's also a piss taker. Get in contact with his mum yourself and arrange contact with her.
Don't miss any more appointments- bring DC some foam headphones for them and let them watch bluey on your phone. Take care of yourself first, you have a lot on your plate.

He's having your fucking pants down OP

Don't tell me that he has seizures (plural) but can work as a roofer. At heights. Up ladders.

Bollocks.

I absolutely appreciate that you haven't had a night off, but surely you get downtime when your DC is asleep? Can you get her into nursery?

Hmm there are different things at play here . So he has epilepsy which isn’t well controlled? Is he under a neurologist, does he take medication, does he need rescue medication? There’s a difference between going to a festival and looking after a 2 year old. People with epilepsy are perfectly entitled to carry on as normal ie going out, and risking a seizure, only himself to worry about. A completely different thing to looking after a 2 year old on his own, which is not a good idea for her own safety.
However he does seem to have” convenient “ seizures which is not an official diagnosis! Does he drive? As if he is having seizures he shouldn’t be! And roofing would most definitely be a bad idea!
I think there’s a chance he has epilepsy, which would cause a problem looking after a 2 year old,”, but is also having you in a bit regarding bringing money round to you .

My DP has temporal lobe epilepsy managed by medication, drives and holds down a stressful management role in the NHS.

@leavingabusetoday does he know you are ill? I think you just have to be straight and say, “I do care about your seizures, it must be awful, however, I have cancer and because you won’t have DD I am missing my treatment so I really need you to help. It does seem that you always manage to go out when you want but can’t manage to help me.” Otherwise be honest with his Mum. Tell her he won’t have DD and isn’t paying you. And do not give him money.

I would not allow him access in the house and definitely would not give him money, feed him etc.

but that is me. He needs to choose to want to see his daughter and not priorities nephews and nieces.

@LeopardsRockingham just to say poor you, that sounds very tough! I was lucky, my epilepsy stayed well controlled, but I was advised to take basic precautions anyway in case the unexpected happened (like always changing nappies/dressing them on the floor, never bathing the children when it was just me with them etc).

Brain surgeon maybe? Agreed though, the fact he's a roofer, seizures are associated with ptsd/stress anxiety, very convenient timings as an excuse to avoid things he doesn't want to do, alcoholism... I'd be absolutely amazed if he actually had epilepsy.

Sounds like he conveniently says he's had a seizure when he's supposed to bring money or see the baby. Yet can work as a roofer.
He lies to his mom saying you cancel so she can't stay overnight, yet he babysits other family members kids
He's a dick.
Contact his Mom yourself and arrange for her to see your child, I bet she'll love seeing her and having her so you can get to appointments.

How does he get to yours/work/anywhere?

Hi OP. I have Epilepsy that is considered uncontrolled (although thankfully I don't have full tonic clonic seizures at present). Your partner should firstly not be working at heights if he has uncontrolled seizures. His lifestyle choices are up to him but alcohol is a trigger for seizures for many people with Epilepsy. If he has a child he should really be doing everything he can to control his seizures and take responsibility. Having a disability like Epilepsy does not mean he cannot be a good father. My dad also had uncontrolled Epilepsy and this never stopped him caring for me and being equally involved in my life. I am currently pregnant and my Epilepsy, whilst making things more difficult, will not stop me taking responsibility as a mother. I would suggest you have a conversation with him to try and better understand what his seizures are like, what him and his neurologist are doing to try and control them and how you can move forward. Perhaps you could attend an appointment with him (if he is comfortable with this). There are a number of Epilepsy charities where you can also find good information and advice online, and with helplines.

A polite note to other posters who are referring to people as "epileptics" this can be offensive to some people, who prefer people say "a person with epilepsy". I'm not precious about it but thought it worth mentioning. We are not our disabilities. 😊

Another stand up member of society paying no tax and being a deadbeat dad mooching off his ex 🤦‍♀️

@leavingabusetoday I think you seriously need to involve his mum here!! she seems to know what is happening truly with him. I feel he actually just does not want to do an overnight and I would not allow him to see the child under your roof! his time on duty is your time off so why do you have to cater for him all the time?? dont be soft!

@leavingabusetoday as an extra, I seriously do not think a person with epilepsy should ever be working as a roofer!! this makes it doubtful that he is actually still experiencing as many epileptic fits as he says he suffers!!

I think his epilepsy is a red herring. It seems he's physically capable of doing everything except for caring for and paying for his child.

Completely agree with this. Epilepsy or no epilepsy he is totally useless and you need to stop relying on him or expecting him to do anything

Stop him staying at yours. If he wants contact with your DD he can arrange where thus takes place

Put in a claim for child maintenance and have this done officially instead of allowing him to make excuses.

Take back control from him. This situation is making you weaker when as a lone parent you need all the strength you can get

If you need a night off then take him out of the picture and arrange a babysitter or family member to help

Concentrate on you and your DD and whatever he decides to do for contact (or not is up to him)

You may find the Freedom programme helpful

Ps re: appointments, try speaking to your health visitor to find out what support there is in your area to allow you to attend. Do NOT ask your DDs dad as he will inevitably cancel and cause unnecessary stress

My best friend has epilepsy and the only thing she can't currently do is drive. She works full time and has a busy life.

I simply do not see how his seizures can be so bad that he can work full time as a roofer but is incapable of looking after his child for a few hours.

That doesn't add up!

He's taking the living piss out of you. Can't watch his own daughter for 20 minutes, but works as a roofer 5 days a week? He's taking you for a fool, and you're letting him.

Please have a word with yourself, do something that gives you some self-esteem and a backbone and hoof this dick head as far away as possible.

No child needs a fucking useless excuse for a father. One decent parent is better than one good one and one unreliable, inconsistent, joke of a parent. Do yourself and your DD a favour and get rid of the useless pisstaker.

He adds nothing but stress to your life, and it sounds like you have enough of that without him adding to it. You deserve better than this lying, useless excuse for a partner.

Please want better for yourself and your DD. You're showing your daughter that putting up with a useless piece of shit is a suitable relationship model to follow. Would you like her to grow up and put up with this nonsense? Please buck up and get rid of this asshat, for the sake of your DD and yourself.

So sorry you're going through so much. My only suggestion is to knock on his door for the cash x

Gosh he shouldn't be up a roof if he has seizures!

The amount of naivity surrounding epilepsy on this thread is astounding.
To address some points.

1. Don't call someone "an epileptic" - it doesn't define them
2. How the hell do you know if they're true epileptic seizures or functional seizures? Only a neurologist, neuropsychiatrist and eeg would prove that
3. It's irrelevant anyone - both are valid disabilities
4. There's a world of difference between going to the pub and caring for a child
5. Around 30% of epilepsy cannot be controlled - he might have tried everything
6. You can be an arsehole and also have epilepsy, the two aren't mutually exclusive
7. The proportion of people with epilepsy unemployed compared to the general population is much higher - people pay lip service to disabilities but that that's often all it is

If it was well controlled, I think it would be fine.

This is great for your friend, and peculiar in this circumstance, but 30 percent of epilepsy is uncontrolled @feetuplater. There's many people with epilepsy living out there who sadly have very restricted lives because they're seizing constantly. Epilepsy is an umbrella term and very much misunderstood.