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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not having intercourse

85 replies

serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:00

I am currently pregnant and this first trimester has been very hard. I don't think my husband understands how hard this is for me. Some days after work I have to force myself to shower and then I'm jumping in bed before 6pm. I'm sick all the time puking multiple times a day. Even though I'm not feeling well he still wants intercourse and feel guilty when I say I can't right now. He's a kisser and wants to throw in tongue and y'all I simply can not. I don't know what to do. I have been explaining to him for the past 5 weeks that I just don't feel up to it yet he continues to bring it up. We can't cuddle for 10 minutes without him trying to jump my bones and I understand that he's a man but right now it's so hard trying to have intercourse without trying to vomit . Oral is simply out of the question right now because everything makes me gag. I'm really trying to keep him happy but I'm so miserable right now. I don't know what else to do

OP posts:
CountryMumof4 · 12/06/2024 07:05

Sending big hugs. Morning sickness can feel relentless - hopefully it'll start to ease off soon. Your husband needs to wind his neck in - if you don't feel up for sex, you don't need to and shouldn't feel pressured into having it. He needs to respect your feelings and instead focus on making sure you're ok. Just tell him it's firmly off the cards (in all forms) until this stage is past, and that he'll have to wait until you feel ready. He sounds like he's being an absolute prat about it.

Original poster
serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:07

CountryMumof4 · 12/06/2024 07:05

Sending big hugs. Morning sickness can feel relentless - hopefully it'll start to ease off soon. Your husband needs to wind his neck in - if you don't feel up for sex, you don't need to and shouldn't feel pressured into having it. He needs to respect your feelings and instead focus on making sure you're ok. Just tell him it's firmly off the cards (in all forms) until this stage is past, and that he'll have to wait until you feel ready. He sounds like he's being an absolute prat about it.

Thank you so much I'm really hoping things get better soon❤️

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 12/06/2024 07:08

Urgh. Men are gross.
I think sit him down and have a proper conversation about it. Make it very clear that he needs to back off and you'll come to him when you are up for it.
He's also going to be one of those men pressuring you for sex weeks after giving birth. I'd lay down the law on that now too so he's prepared.

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 12/06/2024 07:09

YANBU.

Have you tried to explain to him at a time when he is not horny and pestering you so his mindset might be more understanding?

PS not seen the word ‘intercourse’ for a long time so you get some bonus points 🤣

arethereanyleftatall · 12/06/2024 07:10

You NEVER have to have sex if you don't want to. Not even if 'he's a man so he needs it.' No he doesn't. You need some love, understanding and respect from him though op, which he is not giving. Having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you, is rape. It doesn't have to be violent to be rape.

keylimedog · 12/06/2024 07:11

Screw trying to keep him happy! Your priority should be you, especially with what sounds like a tough time.

Is he seeing you vomit multiple times a day and still pestering you for sex?! That's disgusting! Is he looking after you at all?

whitebreadjamsandwich · 12/06/2024 07:11

I'd be inclined to let him kiss how he wants and then vomit in his lap, since he doesn't seem to want to hear what you're saying

Original poster
serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:11

AhBiscuits · 12/06/2024 07:08

Urgh. Men are gross.
I think sit him down and have a proper conversation about it. Make it very clear that he needs to back off and you'll come to him when you are up for it.
He's also going to be one of those men pressuring you for sex weeks after giving birth. I'd lay down the law on that now too so he's prepared.

I plan on talking to him again and I honestly hope he understands. Praying for better days because right now I'm struggling.

OP posts:
PerfectTravelTote · 12/06/2024 07:14

"I'm really trying to keep him happy...."

Is he really trying to keep you happy?

Original poster
serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:14

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 12/06/2024 07:09

YANBU.

Have you tried to explain to him at a time when he is not horny and pestering you so his mindset might be more understanding?

PS not seen the word ‘intercourse’ for a long time so you get some bonus points 🤣

Yes I've tried and his mood changes if I tell him not right now. It sucks because I'm really trying to keep him happy and satisfied but I have to put myself first right now.

Haha 🤣 I tried to censor some words

OP posts:
whitebreadjamsandwich · 12/06/2024 07:17

serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:14

Yes I've tried and his mood changes if I tell him not right now. It sucks because I'm really trying to keep him happy and satisfied but I have to put myself first right now.

Haha 🤣 I tried to censor some words

Show quote history

So he sulks? Oh op, nip this shit in the bud now, otherwise you'll be back here in 9 months telling us he's sulking because you cant give him any attention because you're looking after his child....

arethereanyleftatall · 12/06/2024 07:18

I think you really need to do some thinking about 'I'm really trying to keep him happy.'

Just the casual way you say that is worrying and indicative of the dynamic between the two of you.

If you were BOTH doing things to keep the other happy because you both wanted to, then lovely.

But you are trying to keep him happy and yet he is not trying to keep you happy. On the contrary, he doesn't care about whether you are happy at all. And seemingly, neither do you.

Why is it all about him and his happiness?

Original poster
serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:20

keylimedog · 12/06/2024 07:11

Screw trying to keep him happy! Your priority should be you, especially with what sounds like a tough time.

Is he seeing you vomit multiple times a day and still pestering you for sex?! That's disgusting! Is he looking after you at all?

Yes he's even been with me in the bathroom. He think after I'm don't I'm fine but it just drains me and make me feel very weak. He is helping out when he can bringing me ice water or washing me when I can't sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:22

PerfectTravelTote · 12/06/2024 07:14

"I'm really trying to keep him happy...."

Is he really trying to keep you happy?

I think he's trying but he doesn't understand how annoying it is to constantly ask for s*x.

OP posts:
MrsElsa · 12/06/2024 07:22

arethereanyleftatall · 12/06/2024 07:18

I think you really need to do some thinking about 'I'm really trying to keep him happy.'

Just the casual way you say that is worrying and indicative of the dynamic between the two of you.

If you were BOTH doing things to keep the other happy because you both wanted to, then lovely.

But you are trying to keep him happy and yet he is not trying to keep you happy. On the contrary, he doesn't care about whether you are happy at all. And seemingly, neither do you.

Why is it all about him and his happiness?

This.

You are in deep shit with this dynamic and you would be best waking up now rather than post partum

Original poster
serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:23

arethereanyleftatall · 12/06/2024 07:18

I think you really need to do some thinking about 'I'm really trying to keep him happy.'

Just the casual way you say that is worrying and indicative of the dynamic between the two of you.

If you were BOTH doing things to keep the other happy because you both wanted to, then lovely.

But you are trying to keep him happy and yet he is not trying to keep you happy. On the contrary, he doesn't care about whether you are happy at all. And seemingly, neither do you.

Why is it all about him and his happiness?

I just mean I was able to do all of these things before getting pregnant. Now because I'm so sick I'm not able to.

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 12/06/2024 07:25

Ugh. Why are you trying to keep this awful man happy? You’re carrying his child, he should be doing everything he can to make you happy.
Ask him what he thinks of men who continually try to make women have sex when they don’t want to - and tell him there are names for men who do this.

toadinthebucket · 12/06/2024 07:28

serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:22

I think he's trying but he doesn't understand how annoying it is to constantly ask for s*x.

Show quote history

You can say sex. You can call it fucking if you want. It's not tiktok.

Original poster
serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:30

@whitebreadjamsandwich yes he will and I know I shouldn't but I feel guilty for not wanting to. I plan on having another conversation with him I really hope he's understanding.

OP posts:
Original poster
serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:31

@toadinthebucket I wasn't sure thank you 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
serenajoe · 12/06/2024 07:35

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 12/06/2024 07:25

Ugh. Why are you trying to keep this awful man happy? You’re carrying his child, he should be doing everything he can to make you happy.
Ask him what he thinks of men who continually try to make women have sex when they don’t want to - and tell him there are names for men who do this.

I didn't know it would be this hard. So I was foolish to think I would be able to do things I use to before getting pregnant. Now I'm not able to I feel like I'm slacking.

OP posts:
Blarneytalk · 12/06/2024 07:38

It's been five weeks! What's he going to be like after the baby is born?

arethereanyleftatall · 12/06/2024 07:38

You need counselling op. I expect something happened in your upbringing to make you think it is your role in life to please men, to serve men, to entertain men. If you think back to something you did for him, if you reverse the roles, can you ever imagine that happening?

Foxblue · 12/06/2024 07:42

OP, does he know that you won't be able to have sex for weeks after you give birth, and that having a new baby/young toddler can mean you feel 'touched out' and won't want sex with him either? Does he know these things or do you need to sit down and explain them to him?
He sounds awful and you seem to think this is normal - don't you think it's a bit weird he wants to have sex with you and keeps asking to, when you clearly don't?

polkadotpixie · 12/06/2024 07:45

Ugh, he sounds vile. I'm 21 weeks and we've not had sex since I got pregnant. I've been too sick and I don't want to. DH hasn't said a word and tbh, we probably won't do it until after I have the baby and he still won't say a word because although he has his faults, he realises I'm pregnant and feel shit and he's not a total arsehole