Not having intercourse

[serenajoe]

I am currently pregnant and this first trimester has been very hard. I don't think my husband understands how hard this is for me. Some days after work I have to force myself to shower and then I'm jumping in bed before 6pm. I'm sick all the time puking multiple times a day. Even though I'm not feeling well he still wants intercourse and feel guilty when I say I can't right now. He's a kisser and wants to throw in tongue and y'all I simply can not. I don't know what to do. I have been explaining to him for the past 5 weeks that I just don't feel up to it yet he continues to bring it up. We can't cuddle for 10 minutes without him trying to jump my bones and I understand that he's a man but right now it's so hard trying to have intercourse without trying to vomit . Oral is simply out of the question right now because everything makes me gag. I'm really trying to keep him happy but I'm so miserable right now. I don't know what else to do

Even saying you feel like you're slacking suggests to me that his sex pest behaviour is nothing new but before you were pregnant you were well enough to meet his demands.

The fact that you are struggling with early pregnancy and getting no acknowledgement from him says a lot about what he values you for.

I hope your conversation with him works but I agree with PP there is a worrying dynamic in your relationship which has existed for long enough to be normalised. Not every man is a pig driven by his dick, some have feelings and actually manage to show some care for the people they claim to love.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

His behaviour isn't acceptable. What kind of human being wants another person to have sex with them when they are clearly unwell/uncomfortable/not into it?

Decent men only want to have sex with people that enthusiastically want it.

If they can still get off and maintain an erection when you are clearly not into it then that is a massive red flag.

We need to stop excusing this behaviour as men being men. It isn't true. It's the behaviour of shitty men with a rapist mindset.

I hope you are okay OP and aren't being coerced into sex you don't want.

I had morning sickness from week 6 to week 18 so you have my sympathy. If you’re not in the mood, then you’re not in the mood. He should just be grateful he doesn’t have morning sickness, he can have a wank if he’s that desperate. I got back to sex during trimester 2 and continued until week 35 (it was twins so l was just too big by that point and was worried about going into Labour!). But lots of people don’t go back to it for some time

I agree, it is just v abnormal, and different from usual sex pests posts IMO.

I hate those "shitty men" / LTB hyperbole posts but isn't it rapist territory to be enjoying sex with someone who's visibly in pain or discomfort? (Marital rape is an offense too btw!)

Applies both to OP and PP who claim raping is a "man thing". Nah my DH and I'm pretty sure all my male family and friends aren't rapey creeps like yours!

It makes me wonder how far OP's DH and PP's partner would go if given the opportunity eg drunk girl unconscious around them?!

He shouldn't be putting this pressure on you to have sex let alone when pregnant and having terrible sickness.

A partner should be understanding, supportive and caring this is awful behaviour. If all he wants is sex massive alarm bells!!

You ‘hope’ he’s understand?! You’ve got bigger problems, he sounds like a right fucking twat, and you’re having a child with him!

Wanting to be sexually active isn't a 'man' thing, it's a person thing. So is empathy and concern for the person who you love when they're severely unwell.

He's missing his chance to be a supportive partner. I suggest you ask him to leave for a few months at least.

Also, go to your GP and get tested for a deficiency. hyperemesis gravidarum is often linked to a zinc deficiency and other absorption concerns.

Nonsense.

I’m 20 weeks and we’ve had sex one in this pregnancy because I’ve felt really horrible. In a vulnerably irrational moment I said to him I felt he didn’t fancy me any more because he hadn’t tried to have sex and his response was basically you’ve barely been able to move, it would have been horribly unfair of me to try!

Are you comfortable being cross in your relationship?

After having a clear conversation, don't you get really irritated and say "can you just fucking not? I'm so sick of you angling for sex when ive been really really clear that I've got stuff going on that means it's just completely off the table at the moment. When i want to have sex again, ill let you know, until then can you just bloody respect me and stop poking me with your cock? It's disrespectful given weve talked about this already and I'm just bloody fed up with it."

This conversation shouldn't be needed, but clearly it is!

Do it OP!

This man is pressuring a pregnant woman who is vomiting all the time to give him a blow job Wtf??? WTF? This is sexual harassment and abusive. I'm actually very worried for you. You're going to be one of those women forced to have sex 2 days after birth. How are you putting up with this so early on?

I'm pregnant. I've had a terrible pregnancy. 12 weeks of nausea, PGP from week 15, I'm 28 weeks now and can barely walk. We've had sex 3 times, it's too uncomfortable. My DH has done nothing but cuddle me, hug me, reassure me and take care of me. No pressure whatsoever. That's what a loving man does. I'm not a hole for his entertainment.

I actually find your post disturbing.

I know that. What I mean is you only have to be on MN a while to see there are people complaining in every direction. No sex, too much sex, feeling terrible during pregnancy, feeling ridiculous horny during pregnancy. None of these thing are a problem in isolation but when partners are mismatched.

I think sex education should spend less time going on about the physics of sex and actually educate both boys and girls about these realities of pregnancy. If boys/men actually understood consent and that yes you might well be going a year or two without sex, they might be better people and make better choices, including not having children. Too much time is spent teaching people how to have sex and not why to avoid having sex if you are not mature enough to deal with the consequences!

This is pure entitlement. He cannot see beyond his own needs. He doesn't see you as a person. He most likely doesn't have the skills like empathy and is immature.
I'd advise he gets counselling. However I would add it does need to be the right kind of therapist. A apsat with the new model of trauma/codepency would help.

Op read why does he do that by lundy bancroft. See if you can identify more abusive behaviors he shows. You more aware and educated you are the more you're able to set boundaries and advocate for yourself.

I'd also reccomend reading up on omar minwhallas integrity abuse.

I counsel sex addicts. Part of recovery is unlearning their entitlement to sex. Learning their body actually doesn't need it. It's a want. For these men(its mostly men) masturbation is off the table as that's too closely linked to triggers and addiction. Often sex is off the tables due to trauma they have caused their spouse or a whole host of reasons. It can be years and they don't orgasm. Nothing happens. They don't explode they don't suffer swelling or pain. The body just reabsorbs the sperm. They realise oh I genuinely believed I had to have sex or masturbate I've always been told I should(locker room chat)

What I'm saying is in many regards(not all obviously) women and men are the same. We can not excuse this entitlement because thats purely what it is. Men are not more sexual or more visual or less able to have sexual discipline. They do however have to actually want to treat others with kindness and respect. The fact that currently your partner doesn't want to treat you that way is a big red flag that he needs to address or the relationship doesn't continue. This won't get better on its own. He will have to put in the work to change these views and ways.

What I also see in that treating you this way makes it highly likely he will also treat his child in a similar manner. Seeing them as an extension of himself their needs will never come first.

... his mood changes if I tell him not right now

Good luck with that when you're tired and sore with a newborn, OP

You really shouldn't need to be explaining these things to him, but when you feel up to it I agree a proper sit down chat's in order - and hopefully he'll come to his senses

He wants to Kiss you, when your being sick yuk.

Get him a fleshlight . Apparently, widely used in British Army.

It’s not your JOB to have sex with him. You aren’t slacking. He sounds a complete twat and I would be suspicious he will only get worse. He will expect you to do everything, clean and have sex with him and sulk if you don’t.
I would be tempted to shag him and puke on him but my vagina would be clamped shut die to his behaviour so I couldn’t

Wow, an entire thread dedicated to Billy Big Balls who can’t possibly stop pestering his very unwell, pregnant wife to get himself off.

OP, you’re tying yourself in knots to provide this giant man baby with sex on tap. How realistic do you think that will be once you have an actual baby to look after?

Are you a people pleaser and do you usually put his needs above your own but now you can't?
I was just listening to the my thriving child podcast about coparenting with a narcissist and she explains about how this dynamic can begin at pregnancy when they stop being the centre of your world.

PLEASE talk to your midwife about this at your booking appointment - she will have lots of support and advice for you

You both should only be thinking about your need for rest right now not his desire to get his willy wet

Op please also get yourself some counseling to help you get more in touch with your own needs and being assertive about them

Whatever you do, keep your job, earning power and financial independence after you have your baby.

With a H like that, there's a good chance you are going to need it. Children tear wide open any cracks in relationships. They expose people's true natures and you see who steps up to do their share and support their partner, and who continues to prioritise themself.

Keep your job. Keep your financial independence. You may need it.

He needs a dose of reality!

Firstly, if a partner isn’t in the mood for any reason at any time then that’s it. Being sulky is unacceptable.

secondly, he needs to realise that sulking, or manipulation is a massive turn off. It’s likely to make you want sex even less.

He needs to get used to changes in your sex life. You may (or may not!) feel more up for it later in pregnancy, but post partum you won’t be able to.

when you have a baby or child, sex often becomes less of a priority. Tiredness and even finding an appropriate time can be difficult. Or mums can feel “touched out” or exhausted. He needs to accept this and not get moody about it.

Icky rapey behaviour.

Unless he's got learning disabilities there's absolutely no chance that he doesn't get how "annoying" it is. He gets it. He knows. He just wants sex and feels it's acceptable that his sexual desire comes before your choice, comfort and preferences.

(The learning disability thing isn't intended as a slight on those with LD, btw. I genuinely mean that unless he's got something that literally effects his understanding of very very basic interaction, he knows)