Not having intercourse

[serenajoe]

I am currently pregnant and this first trimester has been very hard. I don't think my husband understands how hard this is for me. Some days after work I have to force myself to shower and then I'm jumping in bed before 6pm. I'm sick all the time puking multiple times a day. Even though I'm not feeling well he still wants intercourse and feel guilty when I say I can't right now. He's a kisser and wants to throw in tongue and y'all I simply can not. I don't know what to do. I have been explaining to him for the past 5 weeks that I just don't feel up to it yet he continues to bring it up. We can't cuddle for 10 minutes without him trying to jump my bones and I understand that he's a man but right now it's so hard trying to have intercourse without trying to vomit . Oral is simply out of the question right now because everything makes me gag. I'm really trying to keep him happy but I'm so miserable right now. I don't know what else to do

What they all said ☝️

You should never be having sex you don’t want, ever.

My now ex dh was like this. I lasted till dd was 6 months old and the resentment was huge, I just hated him after all that pestering and sulking. I got to the point I couldn’t even look at him without hating him so I left him when dd was 6 months old - she’s now 21, I still hate him even though I haven’t had to see him for years now and I’m now happily remarried!

He is abusing and bullying you.

He’s going to be a dreamboat when the baby is born, and it’s not about keeping DH happy anymore.

This site allows all, and I mean all, swear words so you don't have to censor anything out.

With all the love in the world this man is a sex pest. He sees you as something that owes him sex. His attitude when you say no is abusive, I know you don't want to think of it that way but it is. It is basically trying to condition you not to displease him because otherwise he will act like this. You can google sulking and abusive and it will show you that it is.

You do not owe him sex, you should only ever be engaging in any intimacy with full and enthusiastic consent. This doesn't look like that from outside your relationship. It doesn't matter that he looks after you when you have been sick, you can be kind and also abusive.

I was put on bed rest at home with Ds2, no walking, no sex, no orgasms, nothing until my 20 week scan. 3 months of nothing. Dh never once said anything because he doesn't act like a teenager when we can't have sex. You deserve better, do some research and look into why you feel obliged to him and why he feels you owe him sex even when you are incredibly poorly with his baby.

This is honestly such a sad thread.

OP - you have a horrible husband there. And I suspect you keep him happy because he’s a big baby if he doesn’t get what he wants.

Life is changing now - a baby makes it all different. You need to work out what your life is going to be as I suspect he will not be the source of love and comfort you want and need.

OP you don’t owe him anything. Your mind seems to be set up to ‘please’ him. It’s very worrying because when your baby is born he/ she will be the priority. DH’s needs will be very much down the list because he is a functioning adult and you will have a tiny helpless human and your love for that baby will likely eclipse anything you’ve ever felt for DH.
Its not just about sex, it’s about the whole trying to keep him happy mindset that’s troubling.
Any man who keeps going on or gets in a mood after you have voiced reluctance in any form is a sex pest with little regard / respect for you or your feelings.

It’s a shame we aren’t all better matched. There are plenty of men who go off sex entirely during the pregnancy because they see it as gross or don’t want to hurt the baby, but couples are so often mismatched

It’s not about being mismatched - it’s about having respect for the other person and not treating them like a tissue.

I'd "try" to give him a blow job, vomit over his knob, and then leave him lying in a pool of sick while I locked myself in the bathroom feeling sick. If you only have one toilet I'd stay in their extra long just to make sure I was really feeling better.

This relationship is already doomed if he can't get his head around the fact that pregnancy and babies make sex go bye bye for a while.. sometimes a really long fucking while.

Buckle in OP I suspect you're in for a bumpy ride with this one, he sounds revolting. There is nothing less sexy they a sex pest, it baffles me that they can't ever put two and two together on this.

I agree OP that his actions and your response (feeling guilty and miserable instead of angry at his disgusting behaviour) are generally worrying. We've gone 6 months before in our relationship because of baby related things and yes it wasn't amazing but we talked about it like adults and even when he was struggling with it he never ever pressured me, he says he wouldn't ever want to have sex with someone who was only doing it to keep him happy. He wanted me to want to have sex with him, if I'd enjoy it.

Getting moody when you explain you do t feel like it is emotional manipulation. Trying to coerce or pressure someone into sex when they don't feel like it is illegal. Please think about that

He is disgusting.

You don't want to have sex because you feel very sick. This is perfectly fine. If you had a broken hip would he want to cause you excruciating pain by having sex? If you had a noncontagious sickness bug would he be happy to make you vomit through sex? If you were undergoing chemotherapy that made you feel very weak and ill, would he insist on sex?

If the answer is "yes" then this man does not love you. He sees you as a vehicle for masturbation and not as a real person. If (as I hope!) the answer is "no" then he needs to buckle his fucking ideas up and realise that what you are doing now - growing a baby inside you and feeling sick in the process - is in the same region as reasons for not having sex.

(to be clear - any time you don't feel like having sex, for any reason whatsoever, is a good enough reason.)

I'm REALLY not one of those LTB types as I believe there are 2 sides to every matter... But it seems pretty clear to me that doesn't love you (at least as much as he loves himself). No husband who loves his wife would want to see her in perpetual discomfort for his pleasure. I couldn't even imagine my husband being like that.

But ok fine he doesn't love you. What about the baby? Doesn't he care about his baby? The baby might be affected if you get stressed out and upset.

He's selfish and not supportive or caring towards you

Cross posted with you! Yeah I think I'm more easygoing than most on this forum in terms of foibles/quirks within marriage, but I truly genuinely struggle to see any love here?

In very frank terms I think my DH would lose his hard-on if he saw me in any pain or discomfort. His pleasure would be gone immediately. OP's just a giant fleshlight to her husband sadly.

Maybe it's too late to change that but her husband should at least care about the baby.

Stop trying to "keep him happy" and start telling him to get to fuck if that's the only language he understands.

He is not trying to keep you happy, he's being a sex pest. What an arsehole! Next he'll be pestering you for sex when the baby is just a few days old!!

Men are led by their dicks. They just can't understand why women are not up for it 24/7.
My ex was like this. I had horrific morning sickness, literally Barfing violently 20 times a day. It was that bad sometimes it was coming up through my nostrils as well. All he could do was whinge and call me frigid
One of the 20 million reasons he is my ex!!

I think you tell yourself that to make yourself feel better but it's not true. There are plenty of men who (even with a really high sex drive) wouldn't get any pleasure from forcing a vomiting woman into sex. And who would even be distressed by their wife being in discomfort. Actually, I think there are many more of such men than the sex pest/rapist sort of men you talk about.

Not all men by any means!

He should be approaching this in a completely different way, he's only focused on his satisfaction. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and we have had sex the entire time, even during morning sickness. The secret is that my other half focuses on me and how I feel first, then I'm ready and distracted enough from all the aches and pains, to have piv sex. Can't he be selfless and give you a massage, run you a bath, go down on you and give you a couple of orgasms?? What he's doing is only going to turn you off! Ask him what he's doing that would make you want to have sex.

I think you need to tell him to think back to his last awful hangover where he couldn’t even think of coffee, and in that state did he want to be jostling around and have someone’s to be he down his neck? Remind him that’s how you feel 24/7.

“I understand that he’s a man”

Let’s stop accepting low expectations of men. Husband or not, pregnant or not, you should never be pressured into having sex or doing anything you don’t want to.

Urghhh this is actually very uncomfortable to read OP, I hope you’re okay

I agree there is a very uneasy dynamic here, like OP is a 1950s wife and must perform her duties.

The use of intercourse and s*x, ands to this.

This is genuinely one of the most depressing threads I’ve ever read on here.

I wanted to echo what others have said here, this really isn't normal. I'm first trimester, I'm not sick but I'm really tired. When my husband has shown an interest in sex I've just said I'm not feeling up to it and he's said no problem. And that's the end of the whole thing. He really likes to lie beside me and put his hand on my stomach to say hello to baby. He is also an excellent dad to my two year old daughter. I don't think his attitude towards me and my well-being is unrelated to how he looks after his child. You need to set boundaries for your own good and for your child. I'm really sorry that it's hard and that he isn't able to just see what he needs to do on his own.