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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take away the dummy from my 2 year old even though the dentist has advised we do...

123 replies

MolI9 · 11/06/2024 18:23

DS has just turned 2 and is a happy little boy.

The item he loves most is his dummy which he has for sleep - we usually let him have it about 45 minutes before bed and just before nap time. It creeps in more when he's poorly and he has been recently.

He has a million cuddly toys and the same one in his cot but is not in any way attached to any of them. He doesn't have another comfort item. He sleeps with a dummy in his mouth and one in each hand.

The dentist has said his teeth look good but we need to ditch the dummy asap as he'll have a gap/over bite. His suggestion was to use the dummy fairy...

I've tried to enforce having the dummy only in his cot as a step towards removing this and we have had the biggest meltdowns. To the point he was struggling to breathe and screaming to go to bed. He has good (and clear) speech and good understanding - he clearly understands his dummy is now only for when he's in his cot and sleeping - but he absolutely wouldn't understand the dummy fairy or the concept of giving his dummies away forever for a toy yet. I'm sure he will do so in the next 6 months or so.

We're also expecting a baby which has made me wary about keeping it and then trying to get rid of it when the baby has one... but I can't face taking it away before I think he's ready! DP feels terrible at the thought of it too.

AIBU to ignore the dentists advice and wait till I think he's more ready? Any advice/suggestions welcome!

OP posts:

FlyingPandas · 11/06/2024 22:51

None of mine ever had a dummy. I hate them, so deliberately didn't introduce them - but to be absolutely honest I had lovely easy babies who settled well without needing one so the dreaded dummy was easily avoided.

None of them were thumb suckers, either.

Yet my older two (19 and 14) have both still needed corrective orthodontic treatment and it's highly likely that their younger sibling will too.

Not using a dummy is no guarantee that a DC will have perfect teeth.

That said, I would still listen to the dentist, and make a plan to ditch the dummy sooner rather than later. And honestly, as others have said, it doesn't take as long as parents sometimes fear it will to change a habit - as long as you're calm and sensible and consistent.

But definitely don't introduce one for the new baby unless you really really have to. If baby is desperately unsettled and you're on your knees with exhaustion and misery and teetering on the verge of PND - fine, do whatever you have to do to get through. If you're buying a pack of dummies because you assume baby will need one - just don't. Many babies have no need of a dummy at all.

HMW1906 · 11/06/2024 23:57

YABU it’ll be a few days of him being upset in exchange for not having ruined teeth for the rest of his life.

When our DS was just turned 2 we took him to build a bear workshop and he put his dummy’s inside a bear, he then slept with the bear, he could feel one of the dummy’s in its paw so he would sleep holding the paw for a few nights then he wasn’t bothered at all after a few days. He was upset the first night but that was all. He also has a younger sibling who has a dummy and he didn’t try to take his instead either.

KomodoOhno · 12/06/2024 00:01

Notimeforaname · 11/06/2024 18:25

Yes yabu .

The dentist has said his teeth look good but we need to ditch the dummy asap as he'll have a gap/over bite

Ditch it befoe he gets more attached. Yes he'll have a few rough nights then itll be over.Part of being a parent you have to be cruel to be kind.

76evie · 12/06/2024 00:21

Follow the dentists advice, your son will get over it quickly. Mine didn’t have a comfort toy either, not because of me, they just never latched on to a toy or blanket like that.

I didn’t give my first two a dummy but did give the third one, she mainly had it at night for bed and I removed it between 2&1/2 & 3, can’t remember exact age but defo before she turned 3. They had a gap in their front teeth, which went when adult teeth came in, she has no overbite and her teeth are fairly straight. However the older two have perfectly straight teeth, so if I had my time over I wouldn’t have given her a dummy. Her teeth my have been the same without ever having a dummy but I will never know.

wellington77 · 12/06/2024 02:13

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind. Every child goes through it, he’s not unique in being OCD with his dummy , my daughter pulled meltdowns too. Perseverance, bribery, whatever it takes. You need to be the parent in this situation and not let him dictate. This is medical advise, do not ignore it

YankSplaining · 12/06/2024 02:29

Nope, it’s got to go. I don’t know if you need to bother with the “dummy fairy” - I just told my daughter that it was fine for babies, but not big girls with so many nice teeth. Your son might be angry for a few days, but he’ll adjust.

Nat6999 · 12/06/2024 03:16

Ds had a dummy until just before he started school & a bottle at bedtime until he was 3.5. He was a bad sleeper even with the dummy, so to preserve our sanity, we let him grow out of it naturally. He is 20 now, never needed braces & has lovely straight teeth.

Angelik · 12/06/2024 06:27

Depends if you have £3k then a further £5k to sort out over/Cross bite and wonky teeth between ages 11-14 cos that's what it's costing me for dd. She had dummy till 3 - looking back can't fathom why we let it go on so long!

Lorelaigilless · 12/06/2024 06:34

Yabu

CushionPicasso · 12/06/2024 07:29

can't face taking it away before I think he's ready! DP feels terrible at the thought of it too.

some of parenting is about being ‘cruel to be kind’. Nobody likes seeing their child distressed but most of us give vaccines etc because of the long term benefits. You are just going to have to toughen up for a couple of nights.

It might be easier than you think. Do you post an update!

kalokagathos · 12/06/2024 07:34

Sometimes, as an adult, you need to do the uncomfortable thing. He wouldn't know the dummy, if you hadn't introduced it. Short term pain, the child will not remember that in future or have a traumę of dummy being taken away. It's best to do it before the baby arrives, so he doesn't form an association.

WildCountry · 12/06/2024 07:35

We took both of our kids to the Bear Factory and let them choose a bear to have the dummies sealed inside. They aren't actually allowed to do this but will do a good pretence of stuffing them into the bear before it's sewn up! The bear then replaced the dummy at night.

notsofantastic · 12/06/2024 07:45

I don’t think there is really good evidence that just night time dummies damage teeth. I have one with perfect teeth and one who will need braces (they have different shaped heads/mouths). The one with perfect teeth had the dummies….

istherehoney · 12/06/2024 07:49

Easiest thing to do is poke a few holes in them and they will stop working for him. You can explain they are broken. Even tiny children understand broken

clarepetal · 12/06/2024 07:57

Debs2024 · 11/06/2024 18:35

They told me sucking thumbs led to sticking out teeth. We all did/do it me daughter and grandchildren we all have had perfect teeth.

Same. I sucked my thumb, until I was 17, and my teeth didn't stick out.
My dentist also told us not to give our son milk after brushing his teeth at night, and if we did, he would end up with fillings. He is nearly 9 and has no fillings at all.
I think don't worry about it, he's only 2 and it's only at bedtime. As you say, he's getting a new brother or sister, so will probably rely on it then. You're hardly giving him a crack, are you?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/06/2024 10:09

That's ok, you know better - better than a dentist who has studied for 5 years to be a dentist

but as I say that's ok

NOT

Tumbleweed101 · 12/06/2024 10:24

Mine never had them. Of my four only one ended up a thumb sucker but I have an US scan photo of her sucking her thumb in the womb so perhaps that was inevitable!

I've never been keen on dummies (hence not giving mine them) and that is reinforced by what I see at nursery. The children can be obsessed with having them even when they are happy and not tired and then try to talk around them. We do limit their use to nap time or if they are upset so their speech can progress normally but I'm always surprised that the first thing many parents do at pick up is immediately give their perfectly happy child their dummy. I think some parents are as emotionally invested as the children!

Original poster

MolI9 · 12/06/2024 12:48

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/06/2024 10:09

That's ok, you know better - better than a dentist who has studied for 5 years to be a dentist

but as I say that's ok

NOT

Some of you... and you're not the only one... obviously can't read a thread or are just on here to speak to people in a way you never would in real life so you're not in any way placed to give advice.

I do know my child better than a dentist but I can also take advice on board, as I have done! I am going to ditch the dummy now (as I've said several times) as it's probably an optimal time for us considering all factors.

I know first hand some medical professionals love to trot out a line rather than giving more specific or personal advice so I asked for some more opinions. There isn't evidence that night time use until 3 damages teeth from everything I have read - many dentists back this up.

Thanks again to all the helpful posters and those who told me their experiences or thoughts in a none condescending way! I really appreciate those.

I still think dummies are brilliant for many reasons and have zero regrets about introducing it, but that doesn't mean I blindly think they can be used forever without a consequence. People can have conflicting thoughts and feelings on one matter that only makes us human!

OP posts:

Iaskedyouthrice · 12/06/2024 13:09

Right @MolI9 unfortunately this is the perfect fodder for some posters to try and bring you down and act superior. Yet the very fact that this is how they get their kicks tells us that they have no business raising children themselves. Ignore them and concentrate on the more helpful posters.

I would be tempted to get rid of the dummy before baby is here. As soon as possible, otherwise he will just nick theirs 😁 No judgement here for the dummy use, it is really important that babies and young children have tools to self sooth. Dummies are perfect for that. My kids both had certain material on certain blankets that they rubbed on their nose. That came with seperate difficulties believe me!

flabbergastedalways · 12/06/2024 13:21

My first LOVED her dummy, and i mean adored it.

I was dreading taking it away but honest to god it was a breeze. I think i had built it up in my head so much that i had the worst case scenario in my head.

First night she cried for maybe 20 mins and we just went in and kinda shushed her pat on the back etc.

and that was it.

Famfirst · 12/06/2024 13:25

He should have been rid of it long before now anyway. This is about your needs, not his so you need to prioritise what's best for him, not yourselves. Get rid of it and don't make the mistake of giving the new baby one.

Indigococo84 · 12/06/2024 23:20

Iloveeverycat · 11/06/2024 19:55

Please ignore my ignorance but I don't quite understand about dummies at all I had 4 children none had dummies and didn't suck their thumbs either. Is there anyone who doesn't use dummies anymore. If they are so hard to stop using them why start.

For me it was because I was breast feeding and sometimes my babies just wanted to use me as a dummy. Not drinking but just wanting the comfort. I didn’t find it hard with my first two to stop them I literally just chucked the, all away and it was fine. The youngest was harder, he was older but I did the same and got rid of them all. He was upset the first few nights but soon forgot about it.

fashionqueen0123 · 12/06/2024 23:24

MolI9 · 11/06/2024 18:57

@Quittingwifework I know but I'm not going to ignore as some evidence suggest it does. I will removing it before 12 months though which seems to generally be dentists advice. I'll be breast feeding too - even though I'd rather not.

It doesn’t reduce the risk in BF babies. But BF does. And dummies can interfere with Bf.
The studies were about babies who had dummies and then the dummies were removed etc
So just don’t give one. And then it means you don’t have the problem of toddler seeing it and no need to wean second child off dummy in years to come :)

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