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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

338 replies

thegeniussquare · 11/06/2024 13:36

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right? Confused
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading Smile

Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband
OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/06/2024 21:04

I think that the most succinct reply would be, no reply.

I am sorry your child is thinking about missing school. We are a year into school refusal and it is tough but it is not the end of the world.

You ex sounds a bit of a dick and I would just keep that message so if you are ever accused of not asking his opinion or not sharing info, then you bring that message out!

Sorry he is a dick but I don't think you will educate him, after all these years.

Choochoo21 · 11/06/2024 21:34

I would have just replied with something simple like “silly me for thinking that you would care and want to support your own child. I guess not.”

Most men would absolutely love to be kept in the loop like this and want to know if their child is struggling or having issues.
Unfortunately, this one isn’t one of them.

BibbleandSqwauk · 11/06/2024 21:38

yes - actually OP, on the issue of school refusal, there is an EBSA support thread on here and several facebook groups that have been a lifesaver for me when dealing with this. If it does take root, do seek help from people who actually know what its like and won't just tell you to "make" them go.

DungareesAndTrombones · 11/06/2024 21:39

My ex speaks to me like this and I have now stopped sharing anything with him at all because he makes me want to punch him in his smunty face. Best of luck OP.

Grannywithnoplanny · 11/06/2024 21:57

What an absolute cockwomble.

I dunno about a thumbs up emoji in these circumstances. I believe correct queens English would be👌

CheekyHobson · 11/06/2024 21:59

DungareesAndTrombones · 11/06/2024 21:39

My ex speaks to me like this and I have now stopped sharing anything with him at all because he makes me want to punch him in his smunty face. Best of luck OP.

Thank you so much for the word “smunty”.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/06/2024 22:02

I've got one exactly the same op and I finally realised that he will never ever see my perspective no matter how reasonable I try to be.

Just leave it. Honestly. It really is better to maintain a dignified silence I think.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 11/06/2024 22:25

You could always send him 👍

But seriously, as much as a scathing response would be satisfying, he's not got the emotional intelligence to feel ashamed of his behaviour. Thank the lord you're divorced is all I can say.

But in the future I'd not contact him about anything. But I'd be waiting for the next time he tells you something such as the dentist comment. I'd respond with 'as per our last exchange of messages regarding our daughter, you made yourself very clear that as you pay maintenance you have no responsibility for X, therefore I am respecting your wishes by telling you to keep your fucking nose out of my business'

whengodwasarabbit1 · 11/06/2024 22:35

Oooohh his message makes me rage!
I think ignoring is the best way to go too though, grey rock as much as possible. School avoidance must be so hard on your own with a 15 year old, I hope you find a way through it, sending loads of positive thoughts your way.

Picoloangel · 11/06/2024 22:40

I don’t have any suggestions as to a response (except, don’t) but I’m stunned by his tone! He thinks he’s paying you to parent his children rather than financially contributing to their upkeep!

NotAgainWilson · 11/06/2024 22:44

One of my friends got a very very similar message down to the stone around his neck and maintenance. She called his bluff, she told him she was perfectly happy for him to take over as a resident parent and when could he take the kid’s stuff to him.

That shut him up nicely, she knew, however, that with the exh having a partner and step children, there was no way he (or she) would accept the kid moving to his.

I would say, don’t answer now, but in a few days mention about his message and attitude and that due to how exhausting it is to do this on your own that you would like him to take over as a resident parent, h we will kick off, of course but that’s when you can ask for more support.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/06/2024 22:44

I don't think your response is in the best interest of our child and she needs both her parents to work together the support her through this tough time.

He sounds just like my ex

cansu · 11/06/2024 22:51

Thumbs up emoji and then ignore.

lateatwork · 11/06/2024 22:58

'is that a no then? Message too long to read'

Or something like that?

He sounds controlling.

Baaliali · 11/06/2024 23:01

lateatwork · 11/06/2024 22:58

'is that a no then? Message too long to read'

Or something like that?

He sounds controlling.

I love this you need to be able to think of on the spot tho

RedEdit · 11/06/2024 23:02

I would use his own words back to him : -

'Please take responsibility. I am sure you can speak to dd during the day. She is experiencing issues and needs support from both of her parents. Better get on with my work now. Thank you.'

Pallisers · 11/06/2024 23:03

I'd either send him a message saying "ok got it loud and clear" or say nothing.

Basically, OP, you can't rely on him for anything. His desire to punish you way overrides any concern he might have for his children. His priority is putting the boot into you - not worrying about his child.

I would simply not communicate with him about anything again. nothing. Try to deal with your dd as best you can (we also had a school refuser at the same age - somehow we got through it. I feel for you doing it on your own).

He sounds like a pompous ass though. I bet they think he is a knob at work too.

EC22 · 11/06/2024 23:07

I think I would reply. Being a parent isn’t a financial transaction which he thinks it is. He has a responsibility which he is completely avoiding. It’s disgusting.
Then id never ask anything of him ever again.
Anus of a man.

6pence · 11/06/2024 23:09

“Sorry for bothering you with our daughters mental health problems. Your concern is noted”

but your silence is probably the right way to have gone.

LionBarPlease · 11/06/2024 23:12

"I see. Noted, thanks" is the best one.

In an alternate universe I’d reply with ‘Ha look what Mr Small’s replied with this time, it’s his best yet 🤣’ and let him wonder who they normally get forwarded to.

Scarletttulips · 11/06/2024 23:12

Two quite liked
‘Wow what a cunt’

Id send that

Or a link to this thread!

Karmaisagod · 11/06/2024 23:13

I know this post has now been up for 11 hours, and I've not read the thread and expect I'll be the twelvety zillionth person to be frothing at the mouth and wanting to show solidarity, OP, but I just simply have to, as I am so furious on your behalf. What an absolute fucking cunt. I really hope you've had the right advice to put that wanker in his place.

I'll carry on reading now but had to get this of my system.

Tillievanilly · 11/06/2024 23:14

There is a massive lack of responsibility. I also have this issue with my ex.
I would point out that child maintence provides the children with food, clothes etc.
I would say I am asking you to show care for x but if you are unable to do that I understand. My concern for x is school refusal but if your maintence doesn’t cover parenting I understand that as do your children.

Bringonchristmas36 · 11/06/2024 23:16

Sadly you won’t change his mind. Best bit of advice I got was ‘you have to understand that the other person doesn’t care’

PilingOnTheAgony · 11/06/2024 23:28

How about 'In the time it took to type up that shirty response to a perfectly reasonable request, you could have contacted your daughter to see how she's doing. Nice to know what your priorities are, you pathetic, puffed up, pompous CUNT'

I'm kidding, obviously. Well done for not responding at all. You're right, you can't win with an arsehole of that calibre, so don't waste energy even trying. If it helps, make an effigy of the bastard and set fire to it.