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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really irrittated with my best friend..

115 replies

macdoodle · 07/04/2008 17:01

Now she really is a very ggod friend and we are very close ...her DD2 and my DD1 are best friends and only 2 weeks different in age they are 6 - they spend a lot of time together as we only live across the road...
So without being big headed my DD1 is very bright and forward and quite bolshy (she always likes to win/be the leader/be in charge etc)....her DD is a little drippy (I guess) in comparison - but they do get on very well together and rarely argue (mainly cos her DD just does what my DD wants )....we have had many conversations about letting her DD have a go/a chance/be first etc etc and they do share/take turns etc but I don't see why I should quash my childs natural ability to make hers feel better ...I do try and do things seperately/with other friends - but as her mum works full time and I am off on mat leave I do tend to take her with us a lot!
My DD has said to me on a number of occasions that X copies her and it annoys her - I have explained it is because she admires her and she should be flattered !
We have had 2 weeks of school and inset day today - in the hols my DD has had a fringe cut (she has long thick black hair) and despite initial misgivings it does suit her and she loves it...they are off to party today and she was so excited to show her friends her new haircut and show it off at school tomorrow...
So I knock door to get X for party and out she walks......with a fringe - now she has very thin very fine blonde hair and I honestly don't think it was a brilliant idea .....but what upset me the most was the look on my DD1's face - she looked absolutely crestfallen and just mouthed to me "see I told you" and she had tears in her eyes!!! So now they will both have new haircuts and if my DD1 says she had it first she just looks like a miserable selfish little girl which she really isn't and TBH I can see how annoying it must be for her (single white female anyone!)...
Well I just gritted my teeth and said oh how lovely you look (her nan was there mum at work).....
Oh I totally know IAMBU (its just a fringe in the4 greater scheme of things)but my DD1 was so excited and looked so disappointed - I know she will have forgotten in a few days she isn't one to mither over something ....but GOD shouldn't her mum have said something LIKE NO....and TBH its the same with shoes clothes toys etc etc everything my DD1 has her DD gets a few days later!!!!!!!!!!! there we are rant over !!!
I have mentioned it to mum before but all I got back was oh your DD copies my DD too....ummmm nope she doesn't she really doesn't she has her own little style (which is a bit off the wall)!!

OP posts:
reikizen · 07/04/2008 17:36

Yikes, you are being a bit OTT aren't you? Or is this a joke? I don't mean to sound rude but can't you back off a bit from your daughter's life? And also, I think you are teaching her some pretty rotten things about friendship, and the world not always being how you want it to be. Sorry, I wouldn't be so harsh but I can't really believe the OP is being serious!

staryeyed · 07/04/2008 17:36

Not nice to talk about your friends daughter in such a way over really trivial stuff- They are little girls FGS.

RubySlippers · 07/04/2008 17:36

lol at VS

you know you are being unreasonable

it is a fringe

don't 99% of little girls have a fringe

waffletrees · 07/04/2008 17:39

YABU - have you thought about getting a hobby? You really need abit more in your life than obsessing about your DD. You sound about 6yrs old!

OrmIrian · 07/04/2008 17:39

That's nice isn't it? The other little girl admires your DD and wants to be like her.

tootiredtothink · 07/04/2008 17:41

"So without being big headed my DD1 is very bright and forward and quite bolshy (she always likes to win/be the leader/be in charge etc)....her DD is a little drippy (I guess) in comparison - but they do get on very well together and rarely argue (mainly cos her DD just does what my DD wants )....we have had many conversations about letting her DD have a go/a chance/be first etc etc and they do share/take turns etc but I don't see why I should quash my childs natural ability to make hers feel better"

I am quite worried by this to be honest. IMO its not good to have to win/be first/take charge all the time. As parents we should have the conversations with our children to ensure they give other kids a chance - if not for the other childrens sake but for your own dd's. What you call 'bolshy' others could call it being too bossy or as Twiglett pointed out even bullying. And to call the poor friend 'drippy' shows very little respect for different personalities and teaches your dd little respect for others too.

So yes YABVU. My dd is on the phone to her friend to ensure they are wearing same outfit/hairstyle etc. I don't like it all the time but then their friendship isn't about me.

S1ur · 07/04/2008 17:43

bs - I think you just confused me with the 'judged by everyone' bit. When it seems it is OP who sounded a bit judgemental whereas everyone on the thread has not been.

Blah just ignore me, I'm easily confused

Fimbo · 07/04/2008 17:45

There is a girl in my dd's class at school who sounds exactly like your dd and tbh she makes my dd's life a living hell.

claricebeansmum · 07/04/2008 17:45

Too tired has said exactly what I would say if I was more eloquent

"she knows she can't always be first but to actually encourage her to LET someone else (whoever that may be) win doesn't sit well with me" - that's what friendship is about - being together, taking turns. Just put your DD in X position and then see how you feel.

Lulumama · 07/04/2008 17:47

TBH, i thikn a 6 year old who is so aware of how she looks, and copying and feeling like she is a leader is more worrying than whether two girls have the same haircut.

she should not care at that age! or should still think it is cute that she and her best friend have the same hairstyle

maybe you are making it a bigger deal to her and therefore she is feeling the disappointment more acutely?

Lulumama · 07/04/2008 17:49

your title says that you are irritated with your friend, but you sound more annoyed with the other little girl.

windygalestoday · 07/04/2008 17:53

i think your putting a lot of focus on your funky 6 year old to be honest - turn taking and sharing and listening are all life skills that even the brightest child needs - i dont think its your daughter whose upset over a fringe certainly no 6 year olds ive met would be .......i think its you,

A word of warning with the best of intentions no matter how bright articulte clever and beautiful darn it even funky you think your 6 yr old is there will be other little girls more so and there mums will have the same mind set as you so the school gates could become uite unpleasant if you dont start seeing your dd as a 6 yr old.

dont put a old head on young shoulders 6 is no ge to have fringe concern imo.

Original poster
macdoodle · 07/04/2008 17:54

oh fgs i am not daft enough to voice any of these opinions either to or in earshot of my DD !
and fwiw the other mum has just dropped off my dd - and has called the birthday girl a little cow cos her dd didn't get the party bag she wanted oh well i shall just not bother about my dd life at all any more....

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 07/04/2008 17:54

I think this issue may be more about your own insecurities than your DDs.

Upwind · 07/04/2008 17:55

YABVU and not a little disturbing. Have you no life of your own?

"...I am sorry but there is no doubt this was copying her as she has in the past said she didn't want a fringe cos it made you look like a freak..."

WTF? This is a six year old who has changed her mind about the kind of hairstyle she would like compared to what she has wanted in the past and you are analysing it I truly hope this is a wind up?

2GIRLS · 07/04/2008 17:58

macdoodle - your 2nd post was much better .
I can see where you're coming from and I think everyone has had some thoughts on their friends and their friends' children, it doesn't mean they're not your friends IYSWIM.

2GIRLS · 07/04/2008 18:01

Don't take all these posts too much to heart macdoodle, like I said your 2nd post explained things much better and I don't see anything wrong in how you feel now that you have put it like that.

JeremyVile · 07/04/2008 18:02

I f your daughter is upset that her friend has the same haircut, I really think that's down to you and what you teach her.
You really need to address why you are so competitive on your daughters behalf.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/04/2008 18:06

I think that your dd is at risk of seeming like a bit of a prima donna here. With the tears and the wanting to say she had it done first. Please don't encourage it.

I'm sure she's lovely BTW, but acting like that will get peoples backs up. Listen to the thread!

QOD · 07/04/2008 18:08

oooooooooh don't people jump on you!

I know what you are saying about your dd being the leader, I had a similar situation. My dd would say can I go on the bike? friends ds would get off, smiling, and give it to her.
It became an issue for friend, her son was happy, he adored my dd, they NEVER EVER fell out, they played so amazingly well. But my dd was always the one who chose.
From my point of view it made for anxious visits and the friendship fizzled when they started school.
My dd was only like this with him, but he was like it with everyone, so actually I think it was HIM that had the "issues" - you know? He needed to develop cojones.

Original poster
macdoodle · 07/04/2008 18:09

umm nope no tears she very rarely cries not that kind of child - tears in eyes maybe but she doesn't like to cry in front of anyone ....she def not a prima donna and TBH she seems totally over it - guess it was me

OP posts:
hercules1 · 07/04/2008 18:11

Your daughter sounds a lot like mine. I'm just wondering how mine will be at school this Sept.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/04/2008 18:12

Ah, you're the prima donna?

Glad she's fine about it. I think we feel these things more deeply than they...

LBA · 07/04/2008 18:20

We did some poncey survey at work not long ago where we all filled in a personality profile. Some of us were "thinkers" (quiet), some were "people's people" (loud), some were logical, some were laid back etc etc. We all had our strengths and weaknesses and all could make valuable contributions in our own way.

My loud friends have said im great for bringing them down to earth sometimes and equally they're great for cheering me up sometimes. We compliment each other if anything.

StillWaters · 07/04/2008 18:24

I think it is/was you.

Your post seems to suggest you view/want your daughter to be unique, a leader, the best, you describe these as positive qualities whilst describing the other child as 'drippy' giving her characteristics negative conotations.

I get the impression you and your DD have entered a sort of competitive pact (unspoken) and she is responding to your own comopetiveness.

This may be wrong but it's the impression I got.

TRaed caredfully, a grown women 'competing' with a 6 year girl does not sit well, that's one comptetition the drippy DD and her mother would win.