To think bullies and evil people never change even when they grow up?

[twoblackdogs]

Just this really.

We had an unofficial class reunion quite recently. There were some really evil bullies in our class, and now they are decent citizens, family people and caring parents, but I looked at them and thought that they just couldn't switch to the good side so easily and fully. How can one be really evil in the school and then suddenly become so very nice and kind and respected, and even doesn't (really?) remember his/her own evil deeds towards others? Do they really forget what they have done to some of their classmates, or they just don't care and think of themselves as good and decent people? Even knowing what they did? Or do they just laugh it off and say "oh, such and such had it coming/was too sensitive for his/her own good"? And everybody just thinks a world of good about them?
I remember my own bully, now a very respected family man. He just sort of laughs everything off. I don't think he's really changed.
Is it possible at all? Can such people change?
I still think that the little shit that once tortured kittens still is the same shit even if all grown up, respected in his job and raising a family.

Did you manage to speak to your bully to tell them the repercussions of what they did and give them a chance to apologise?
People who harm animals as children are psychopaths I think? X

This could perhaps depend on what a person defines as bullying. Some very well respected individuals locally have been very less than respectful to another person. Way out of order but that’s just my opinion. Are they a bully? Not to me. Are they awful? yes. Are they a bully to the individual concerned? Maybe

People change as they gain life experience, maturity and responsibilities. I think the majority in fact, or we would all still have the same attitude and outlook as our 15 year old selves. There will be instances where true evil/ psychopathic tendencies are involved but this is a minority.

Children and teenagers can definitely change and develop into decent people, of course.
Adults it’s less likely, but still possible to have a life changing moment/epiphany of some kind.

I really have seen horrible kids turn into kind people with maturity, childhood is brutal for some.

I think bullies can change as they grow up and mature.

I think evil people can't - it's genetic.

I dont think these people do change. I know girls in their 30s/ 40s who are now married with children of their own, who still have the mean girl “you can’t sit with us” mentality. They move as a monolith and daren’t be seen as going against the majority.

Yes they still exist, I know of them too, hideous people but op is talking about the reformed bullies.

Yes children and teenagers can change. Surely that's obvious? Their brains aren't fully developed until mid 20's.

Fully formed adults are less likely to change.

What about you, OP? Do you think you've grown or developed or are you still the same person you were at 14?

And if you've had the capacity to change, why shouldn't others?

Some people do, some dont.

In senior school i was part of a trio of friends, i didnt do anything nasty, mean or in general to either of them and i got bumped.

Many years later, im diagnosed as autistic, so my struggles with social groups all now make sense.

Ive grown as an adult, im willing to forgive, accept any wrong doing on my part, apologise for it and i continue trying my best to be kind and cut people a break, you never know what they have going on and i try to instill the same in my children.

Moved my childs school recently and one of the school friends children also goes to that school, so naturally we cross paths, i offer a smile when i do walk past her, messaged her on socials to offer an olive branch, say hey, nice to see you again yadda yadda, no reply and nothing but an icy stare from her- fine, point taken, not interested.

School event last week, again crossed paths, sat no where near eachother, im happily playing with DC2, i look up and see her holding her phone up, pointed right at me, over the top of her partners head, the kids were performing in the opposite direction so no chance she was doing anything other than taking a photo of me. She went red and then her partner laughed because she told him she got caught.

There i am, minding my own business, just wanting to watch my child perform and im right back to being 16, picked on and made to feel like im weird and not worth anything and now im going to feel self concious and on edge whenever im at the school.

i know im not the same person i was at 15, i wasnt a bad person then and im not now, she clearly cant say the same.

Yes, changed drastically

I grew up racist and homophobic - all my environment in a little village pre internet to right wing parents. There were no people of colour within 100 miles of me

I went to 8 schools in total - one non white kid in all of the schools

Not racist or homophobic in my 50's

Don’t be daft, OP.

I was part of a clique in the 6th form. And we were the cool girls who unceremoniously dumped those girls whose faces didn’t fit. How mean of us.

i can happily report that we have not gone on to be adult cowbags. 😂 We’re all very nice people.

Also someone says up thread that 'people who do borderline criminal acts don't change and aren't to be trusted'

I've committed loads of crimes as a teenager - shoplifting, graffiti, breaking into school premises, driving without a license

I was under 16 for all of the above, never committed a crime since then 🤷‍♀️

A leopard can change its spots but it’s still the same leopard…

I disagree. A lot of what comes out of kids' mouths is someone else talking, usually their parents, and as people mature they become their own person and decide how much of those values they want to hold on to. Plus, a lot of school bullies were being bullied or abused themselves, and have a major incentive to grow and change in order to distance themselves from the person that made them become. The problem is that change is difficult. Not everyone attempts it and not everyone who attempts it succeeds. But it's definitely possible.

What about you OP?

How do you feel about you being scrutinized in that way. Do you still have all the faults and failings of character you had as a teenager?

Sorry this happened to you.

She's a prick. She will likely always be a prick. Some people lack the empathy, intelligence and self-awareness to change and grow. They're emotionally stuck around age 6. Sometimes there are sad back stories etc but truthfully - at a certain point it ceases to be a meaningful excuse. At that point it just means- they have grown up to be a prick.

I was bullied all through school. One girl was particularly nasty. I met her ten years or so later and she was just as spiteful to me as ever! She was working as an interviewer in a job agency (do they still exist?) and very condescendingly sent me for an interview. I decided not to go! Petty of me, but that childhood bullying has affected me all my life and contributed greatly to my low self esteem.

I think it's different for those that go along with bullying out of fear of it happening to them or to fit in, I can see how they'd just stop that behaviour when they no longer felt it necessary.

The ones doing it out of cruelty don't change, they just adapt their behaviour.

People can change, but some were arseholes as kids and remain arseholes for life.

It's strange how we view out time at school, I recently met someone married to a girl I was at school with, her name meant little, but on talking to the women I'm still in touch with they all remember her as being a right cow who glided through school putting everyone down and being the bullies right hand woman. He told me she hated school and couldn't wait to leave. Speaking to people who know her now, she hasn't changed.

Sorry but I disagree about people excusing bad behaviour because the brain hasn't developed. If you are being a shit at 14, you know you're being a shit.

Most times bullies are jealous of the person they are picking on, that they are confident enough to be different (or appear so), that they are liked and have friends (hence the attempts to exclude from friendship groups). That they are good looking, intelligent, funny, talented in some way that the bully wants to be. Me I was likeable, funny, intelligent and confident to stand out. The bullies tried but nothing could be half as cruel or as cutting as my mates said to me and to each other. The physical side wasn't much as I was bigger than most and it got around who I hung around with out of school.

Of course people can change, but not all will.

Someone who hurts people and enjoys seeing people hurt is unlikely to change.

Someone who lashes out and hurts others as they are hurt themselves, yes they can change.

Catty bullying queen bees who live putting others down? Seen plenty of them relive their teenage drama by bullying parents on the school run and actively encouraging their children to do likewise. They’ll never change. They don’t have the maturity.

This could perhaps depend on what a person defines as bullying. Some very well respected individuals locally have been very less than respectful to another person.

Its a massive difference between someone being unfriendly or rude vs someone who specifically targeted to hurt and harm another. Do those people change? Depends if they have any remorse

The worst bully at my school was a boy I genuinely thought was a psychopath. I would have described him as evil. Teachers openly opined that he was going to end up in prison. He was from a large family with a fearsome reputation and his dad and a couple of brothers were already behind bars.

Years later when I was working for a large tech company I attended a meeting with one of our prospective customers. The name of the CEO rang a bell and when I walked into the meeting room I recognised the school bully instantly. He had become an extremely successful businessman and I saw on his LinkedIn profile that he did a huge amount for charity and mentored at risk kids. I have no idea if he had ‘changed’ personality wise (he recognised me and was charming but who knows) but outwardly at least he seemed to be an entirely different person from the boy I knew at school.

I have no idea if he had ‘changed’ personality wise (he recognised me and was charming but who knows) but outwardly at least he seemed to be an entirely different person from the boy I knew at school.

Psychopaths can indeed become successful in business, politics or science. But the charity for vulnerable kids - i wonder if he isn't a pedophile.

I found out my school bully died about 5 years ago. Whilst I wasn’t dancing around joyfully (she was only mid-thirties), let’s just say that I wasn’t sad.

A leopard never changes its spots and she was just as nasty in adulthood as in secondary school.