I hate my 19 month old

[hadrnnnough]

I don’t get how anyone can enjoy this? I don’t have pnd, I just am totally bloody sick of the screaming and resisting the car seat, the refusal to have a nappy changed, the wailing in the bath, the throwing food, the throwing objects, the pulling and kicking me. Yes he’s cute and yes sometimes it’s lovely but being honest that’s mostly when he’s asleep.

I hate it. I have a massively stressful job and genuinely look forward to Monday. Am I just a terrible mum? Maybe I’m not good at this? I actually thought I would be and sailed through the baby phase. Is this what life is like from now on. Awful.

oh, blah

What a lovely post.

Try teaching him some sign language. Rsp the sign for please and thank you. It will be very calming for you both.

Oh bless you @hadrnnnough it's very tough having a demanding toddler and no break from them.
Your post screams exhaustion.
The stage your son is at now is him being frustrated and its just a stage. I can remember feeling so drained and angry at times with my eldest (also a single parent with no break) but then I'd feel guilty I felt cross with him, so the cycle of emotions was very hard to keep on top of.

He is without a shadow of a doubt, even if he wasn't my son, one of my favourite humans ever. You've got that to look forward to, seeing the person your ds will become and its magic.

Youre in the trenches, but it isn't forever x

As a high earner, you have options. In your situation, I'd either go down to 4 days, or buy in some help.

At that age, my DS had never slept for more than an hour, at a time. I was on a mattress, on his bedroom floor, as it was pointless even trying to sleep. We were both tired and grumpy. He constantly demanded 'milk' and I was all touched out. I was on minimum wage, and received zero maintenance.

Fast forward to now - he's 14, and a lovely, kind, smart, funny, boy. I hardly recognise the horror he was.
It's a phase. You'll get through it.

I read up, and discovered 'love bombing', which I initially dismissed as 'hippy nonsense'. But, I was desperate, so tried it, and it worked. It really helped.
We still do it, now - make time to enjoy each other. I feel that I really 'know' my boy, whereas 10 years ago, I felt I had responsibility for a devil child. We'd fallen into the habit of seeing each other as 'the enemy'.
Try to rediscover the joy.

What a great post.

I used to absolutely hate the this will pass when they were tiny mentalists and I was exhausted, but it does and will be worth it.

You have 4 weeks leave, perhaps the odd day here and there when you feel you need a day for you will help? Surely you can’t just save it for when he’s ill, that’s what sick leave/parental leave is for.

How supportive are your work? Could you ask them about adapting your hours, ie maybe compressed hours so you’re still full time but in 4 days so you have a day for you? Or just ask whether reducing now and upping in a year is an option? I think it’s worth asking the question!

Are there any parenting classes you can join. My council run some so people can reframe how they see this experience. They are very sure of what they want at this stage, but not everything has to be a battle. Why is he wailing in the bath? If he doesn't want a bath, don't give him a bath. Mine cries with the nappy change too, have you tried singing a funny song to him? Do you joke and laugh with him? If he doesn't like the car seat are there alternatives? Non of them really like car seats. When we go for a walk we have a shit time if I have a pre conceived idea of what we will do. If I let him wander and do what he wants it is so much more enjoyable for both of us. Not everything has to be a battle.

I think you need to speak to someone because you do need help with this.

OP, with all due respect, your job is a job. Use the parental leave for your sons sick days. Use your annual leave to book some time for yourself. If you are really desperate, have a few days sick, unless you live opposite your workplace- how are they going to know? Better to take a few days now then burn out and actually getting signed off work for weeks/months. Plus, just because you're off sick, does not mean ypu have to be confined to your house.

This toddler stage can be really difficult. It's not bloody easy.

Do you actually hate your toddler or the stage he's at? If it's the former then there is real concern.

What do weekends look like for you? I'm not trying to guilt trip you, do you spend quality 1:1 time? Or are you desperatly trying to catch up with everything around the house whilst he's under your feet? Do you have time at the weekend to follow his lead with play etc and let it finish when he loses interest.get him outside to a big park as much as possible, let him run around the play equipment or kick a ball or just explore. Parenting is much easier of they get outside.

Do you understand the tantrums? It sounds silly but explaining what is going to happen next as much as you can does help. Not possible all the time but they can understand a lot.

We stopped using the pushchair at this stage as it was just so bloody difficult. We got a trike and had absolutely no issues.

Could you do a nine day fortnight? I was in a similar situation with the same concerns. It’s much easier financially, much easier to add back the extra day when you’re already there most of the time and my short weeks were sanity savers. If I had a bad week and it wasn’t a short one, at least it I had that to look forward to. Otherwise it just feels relentless.

After a few months of it, I had enough energy back to occasionally use some of my days off to do a bit of batch cooking or organising. That helped in tough weeks too.

DS was massively like this. He got better when he could talk and even better when he started school. He’s now a thoroughly lovely (although massively tenacious!) six year old.

@hadrnnnough, if you dropped a day a week, it would cost you £12k pro-rata, correct? Something under £9k after tax.

That's around £175 a week. This would buy you 8-12 hours a week of help. My suggestion is not to compromise your career prospects by reducing your hours, but to spend the money you were willing to sacrifice on some proper support at home. If you aren't sure what help would benefit you most, try calling a couple of domestic agencies and discussing it with them.

Good luck!

New Toddler Taming is written by a paediatrician who went through toddler years himself. The book is an easy read as the author has a great sense of humour. I found many great ideas. Worth a look if you have time and energy to read on your commute. Might be available as an audio book now

What is your work situation? Hours/WFH/length of lunch break each day

Excuse asking for so much detail just trying to work out if there's scope to shuffle about stuff to give you a bit of downtime to reset. With a shorter lunch break and slightly later finish each day I get a half day each week to myself and that helps (didn't drop hours etc)

I remember this and it was awful, you're right. I also looked forward to Monday. Even now when we have a bank holiday weekend I wonder how I'm going to stay sane. But we're at 2.5 years now and now she's talking it's much easier because I can negotiate a bit more and explain things to her. No answer on the car seat thing as I'm still figuring that one out (the only thing that works is giving her sweets and I reserve that for emergencies so she doesn't get used to it).

You don't have to enjoy it all, it's bloody awful sometimes.

This is what I came on here to say

I remember the feeling well, and I had a DH to share the load, so I really sympathise. Doing it alone must be hell.

You need some time to yourself. There are a few babysitting websites you could investigate to find someone near you. Find someone to do a regular slot evenings and/or weekends. Look at HomeStart in your area. They train and provide volunteers for a few hours a week for families with pre-school aged DC who need support. I volunteered for them for 6 years when my DC were high school age, precisely because I remembered how tough those early years were.

Join a gym with a creche. I did this. Sometimes I'd actually use the gym but often I'd veer off to the coffee lounge, pick up a newspaper, have a coffee and switch off for 2 hours. It was bliss.

My youngest drove me to distraction and although I loved her I really didn't like her for a long period of time. Exercise helped - burning off energy, getting her into sports at an early age, anything to wear her out (run to that tree, now run to that tree, I'll time you, see if you can do it faster this time, yay you're so fast!).

I now have DGC and recognise the struggles my daughter is going through, so I do what I can to help take some pressure off. I hope you have some family who can help.

Keep reminding yourself this will pass. You'll look back one day and wonder how you got through it, but you will get through it. Before you know it the years have flown and you'll be on MN giving advice and support to a mum just as desperate as you are today.

You're only human, you're doing a great job in tough circumstances. Be kind to yourself.

They are hard work at this age I have - one and one older and expecting third.
Try and find a nice thing to do together every day even if it last 5 mins. If you have some spare cash try new books , an aqua doodle mat off amazon is amazing and no mess ! Threading beads ? Bath crayons. Sometimes they are genuinely a bit bored . Hope it passes xx

It’s difficult isn’t? Parenting is such a sacrifice at times. My son was tricky at that age too. I cried a lot as had a stressful job, dogs to walk and another one year old child. Getting out of the house as early as possible helped my mood as I got more time to myself when the kids/dogs had used up their energy outside. Loved getting back and getting a cuppa while they watched some cartoons.

I always felt like I was changing nappies or picking up dog poo.

I know it’s hard but it will pass. Try to stay calm as that will keep him as calm as possible. My friend has a severely autistic child and I don’t know how she copes. That stage will never pass for her.

Without sounding like a dick, try and focus on the things you’re grateful for and try and find time to be silly with him as this time is gone in a flash and he’ll never be this she again. In a few years he’ll be bringing you a drink and kissing your forehead.

Show him love even if it’s hard. It’ll come back to you tenfold!

This phase will pass and things will change.

My child was so obstinate and refused to engage in anything with others to the point they would vomit (on purpose) it was draining and embarrassing! I remember sobbing and questioning having them but they grew out of it and once they started nursery it eventually stopped completely.

I found full-time school with the before and after-school clubs changed my child and gave me daily breathing space.

Reduce your hours. Ask your work if you can start out on a temp basis so you don't lose your full time hours straight away. You will feel much more balanced. Also have you had your thyroid tested since giving birth? It can really affect your moods and level of patience when thyroid is out of balance. Happened to me with my second child and I found everything he did annoying. Changed overnight once I started meds.

OP your solution here is parental leave (I haven’t read all responses so apologies if suggested). It’s a statutory right for anyone working and employed in the UK and you are entitled 18 weeks for each child to be taken in week chunks (up to 4 at a time) before their 18th birthday. It’s unpaid, cannot be denied (only postponed by your employer with a reason for up to 6 months) and doesn’t come with the jeopardy of permantenly losing a day’s worth of salary if you drop to 4 days. If you can afford it, request a week now. If not, put in a request now for September for a week, save a bit of money for the next couple of months and then have a restorative week to yourself then. I promise this too shall pass - it’s the most tricky bit for sure!

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

First of all I want to caveat this with recognising that you probably don’t have the time or headspace for this suggestion but I tried baby signing (makaton) with my kids and it was amazing. Although they didn’t know words they learned signs (mostly pretty easy to learn and fairly intuitive when you look at them) and it dialled down the frustration so much as they knew they could be understood. It doesn’t slow language development as you use words at the same time as the sign.

Expecting to be flamed for the suggestion as I say but if it might work for you it’s worth it.