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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how your partner helps if you’re unwell?

83 replies

mrsfox0 · 08/06/2024 15:51

I’m really poorly at the moment with flu. V bad cough, aching all over and so so tired. We have small DCs who are very clingy to me. I need some time to sleep in bed but my partner won’t take them out, or help me in any way. Doesn’t offer me a honey and lemon, and if I ask takes an hour to get it or takes so long he forgets. He even asked me to get him a drink earlier which I couldn’t believe. I had to make breakfast and lunch for DCs today as he had a lay in and wouldn’t get up as he stayed up late last night, even though I asked him not to stay up too late as I needed him to have the children today.

I just wondered if I’m expecting too much, I wanted him to take them out for a few hours so I could just rest, and I’ve had none today. If I say anything he gets annoyed at me and it just goes nowhere.

our children are very very mummy and I’m wondering if that’s why he’s like this. But he could at least take them out and then they’d be fine and wouldn’t want to come to me all day.

OP posts:
DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 08/06/2024 15:54

When I had the flu in January my DH took over everything, and waited on me. Did all school runs, all activities, all household tasks along with bringing me meds, food and drinks as needed. He did it fully for over two weeks without complaint until I was well enough to start to do stuff again .

He did it because he loves me and wanted me to fully rest and get better. He could do it because he's a 50/50 partner all the time, so knows what's required without asking.

DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 08/06/2024 15:55

Should also add that when he hurt his knee and couldn't walk, I picked up everything so he could heal. It works both ways.

Original poster
mrsfox0 · 08/06/2024 15:58

DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 08/06/2024 15:54

When I had the flu in January my DH took over everything, and waited on me. Did all school runs, all activities, all household tasks along with bringing me meds, food and drinks as needed. He did it fully for over two weeks without complaint until I was well enough to start to do stuff again .

He did it because he loves me and wanted me to fully rest and get better. He could do it because he's a 50/50 partner all the time, so knows what's required without asking.

Oh wow that’s so so lovely :)

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2024 15:58

DH would send me to bed and that would be that - kids looked after and fed etc.

He’d make me home made chicken noodle soup too and bring meds/drinks etc.

I’d do the same when reversed.

Noopneep · 08/06/2024 15:59

I have a disability so maybe it's different but my partner takes over everything depending on how unwell I am. Right now I have a nasty viral infection. He would do everything regarding cleaning, cooking and looking after DS. No way would he have a lie in and ask me to make him a drink.

Sorry OP, your DP sounds like a pig. Hope you feel better soon.

Deadringer · 08/06/2024 16:00

He is a lazy selfish piece of shit.

Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2024 16:00

Like your DH @DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole mine is full partner at all times anyway - cooking/housework/school runs etc.

Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2024 16:02

our children are very very mummy and I’m wondering if that’s why he’s like this.

More likely they’re like that because he’s the way he is.

Original poster
mrsfox0 · 08/06/2024 16:02

I'm really upset to be honest, it’s like me being unwell is just a real inconvenience. I want to be able to rest and have someone bring me a hot drink now and again

OP posts:
ImOddsAndEnds · 08/06/2024 16:04

Even if I just have a headache DP will tell me to go and get in bed so he can deal with the kids. He texts asking if I want a cup of tea/food, he'll do all the household stuff and leave me to nap or watch TV.
I do the same for him because it's just a normal, nice thing to do in a relationship when the other is feeling crappy.

I'd be really upset if I was treated that way.

ginasevern · 08/06/2024 16:05

Some men are better than others but your DH sounds like a total selfish lazy pathetic jerk. You deserve better than that OP but I think you know it already.

AppleStrudel23 · 08/06/2024 16:05

That's not kind of him!

My husband takes care of me when I'm unwell and I take care of him, it's never been an issue. Maybe even I get too into caring for him and he probably wishes I would leave him alone 😂.

Have you spoken to him about this?

Original poster
mrsfox0 · 08/06/2024 16:06

AppleStrudel23 · 08/06/2024 16:05

That's not kind of him!

My husband takes care of me when I'm unwell and I take care of him, it's never been an issue. Maybe even I get too into caring for him and he probably wishes I would leave him alone 😂.

Have you spoken to him about this?

When I try to he just gets annoyed at me and gets all huffy and it just goes nowhere. I also don’t have the energy right now to get angry at him.

OP posts:
CatsLikeBoxes · 08/06/2024 16:07

Kind and caring behaviour is literally the very least you should be able to expect from a partner, otherwise what is actually the point of them? Most people I've ever worked with have been nicer to me if I had even a headache, than your partner is being to you

Slimeblimeclimb · 08/06/2024 16:07

Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2024 16:02

our children are very very mummy and I’m wondering if that’s why he’s like this.

More likely they’re like that because he’s the way he is.

This... Was coming to say this and you beat me to it. Obviously they are very munmy... Because that's who they get... You are the person who wakes up with them as he naps etc etc etc.

When I am unwell my DH takes over everything/most things. Similarly if I'm busy at work he takes over most things (and vice versa). What you have doesn't sound much like a partnership

MillshakePickle · 08/06/2024 16:14

We've all recently had a sickness bug. H took over completely when I was incapacitated and vice versa. With this illness, we were all ill within 24 hrs of each other. We both took turns sleeping and having the kids. Both did laundry duty, the minimal cooking needed, bedtimes, nappy changes etc. If anything, this time around he dis way more than I was able to.

There are times when we've not always been able to help the other as much as we'd like due to work or other commitments. But, we always try

pietut · 08/06/2024 16:30

DH takes over everything, and he'll regularly pop up and ask if I need anything, like any decent human being would do.

Handyweatherstation · 08/06/2024 16:34

About 15 years ago I needed to have my appendix out and was in a right state when I came out of hospital. We slept on a low futon bed at the time and he realised I would struggle to get up and out of bed, so he sat me down in the living room, went out and bought timber and put legs on the bed - 12 of them for some reason. I was quite out of it and had no idea what he was doing, so it was a lovely surprise and a big relief to know I'd be able to get in and out of bed. I'd do the same for him, we look after each other. He's had a rotten cold so I've looked after him, made him ginger tea and nourishing meals.

Italianita · 08/06/2024 16:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

fieldsofbutterflies · 08/06/2024 16:36

We don't have DC, but he takes over with the animals and the house until I'm better, and I do the same for him in return. I don't think that's lovely behaviour either, really, it's just normal human decency.

LizzieBennett73 · 08/06/2024 16:38

DH used to be horrendous if I was ever unwell. It was as if I'd done it deliberately to inconvenience him. "Revenge" came sweetly when he had surgery with some complications, and I treated him in the exact same way. He had a sad puppy dog face that I wasn't being more kind, but I just said to him that this was exactly how he treats me so why should I be any different.

He's def improved in the last couple of years.

StormingNorman · 08/06/2024 16:40

No kids so I do t know how he’d deal with that side of things but I’m one of those people who refuse to be ill so I normally get sent to bed when he gets home and he sorts dinner. Usually a take-away to be fair or oven pizzas. Not exactly the health giving dinner I need but it’s food.

It wouldn’t occur to him to bring me a cup of tea or put on a load of washing though.

Better than some, not as helpful as others!

You deserve more than he’s giving. He’s being a lazy git.

Ponderingwindow · 08/06/2024 16:41

I sadly get incapacitated more often than average. He takes over everything child related. My care isn’t always the priority like it was pre-children, but the level it has dropped is understandable. He can’t dote on me the same way he used to. So we try to strategize and stock my bedside with drinks and snacks if we know I can’t get up easily and he will be busy.

Honestly my only complaint is that the house gets messy when I am not in charge. Our routine just falls apart. Everyone is fed and happy and everything that matters is taken care of, so ultimately I don’t really care that the mail didn’t get opened.

IsThePopeCatholic · 08/06/2024 16:42

Your dh is a selfish, disrespectful toe rag. He should be taking over and allowing you to recover.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/06/2024 16:43

How did he treat you during pregnancy and postpartum? He sounds like a knob