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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how your partner helps if you’re unwell?

83 replies

mrsfox0 · 08/06/2024 15:51

I’m really poorly at the moment with flu. V bad cough, aching all over and so so tired. We have small DCs who are very clingy to me. I need some time to sleep in bed but my partner won’t take them out, or help me in any way. Doesn’t offer me a honey and lemon, and if I ask takes an hour to get it or takes so long he forgets. He even asked me to get him a drink earlier which I couldn’t believe. I had to make breakfast and lunch for DCs today as he had a lay in and wouldn’t get up as he stayed up late last night, even though I asked him not to stay up too late as I needed him to have the children today.

I just wondered if I’m expecting too much, I wanted him to take them out for a few hours so I could just rest, and I’ve had none today. If I say anything he gets annoyed at me and it just goes nowhere.

our children are very very mummy and I’m wondering if that’s why he’s like this. But he could at least take them out and then they’d be fine and wouldn’t want to come to me all day.

OP posts:
somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 08/06/2024 19:30

What do you do when he's illl? Might be worth pointing this out to him.

He's a lazy, selfish cunt.

Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon · 08/06/2024 19:38

It wouldn’t occur to me to even have a conversation about it with my dh.
I would and have said that I’m going to bed to sleep and that’s that.
He does everything as well as take care of me.

I do not class it as “help” because it’s his fucking job as well as mine when either of us are ill or not feeling great.

It’s called respect and taking responsibility.

maw1681 · 08/06/2024 19:40

He shouldn't be "helping" he should be taking over the childcare and household duties and making sure you have drinks/food/medication etc!
The children shouldn't be around you really if you have flu in case they catch it

WalkingonWheels · 08/06/2024 19:46

I got chronically ill about three years into my relationship with DH. Since then, he has done everything chore related. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, childcare etc, with help from the DCs.

Every day he makes sure I have my laptop for work, a hot watter bottle, fresh drinks and breakfast. He helps me dress before he leaves for work. He comes home on his lunch break to get me lunch. He brings my meds, snacks, books, magazines, everything I want or need.

On top of all that, he will bring little treats to make me smile. Flowers, chocolate, a pretty notebook, a new pillow. As a result, my children have learned the value of care and kindness and do the same for me when they can.

LifeExperience · 08/06/2024 19:54

If I'm ill he takes over everything and if he's ill I do the same.

Orangello · 08/06/2024 19:56

he's not a partner, is he? So what happens if you tell him straight that please take the kids out, I need to rest? Or go make kids breakfast, I need to sleep, I'm ill?
He ignores you, says no, he won't feed his children? Of course you're not expecting too much, you're expecting too little. All the 'lovely' stories on this thread are just normal behaviour.

Howmanysleepsnow · 08/06/2024 19:58

Nothing.
if I have d&v he’ll order takeaway for him and the dc so he doesn’t catch it

Namenamchange · 08/06/2024 20:01

My ex was like this, selfish and an arse hole, he’s take the bed at the slightest sniffle too! Tell if it ill enough I would have gone to the doctors.

I hated him towards the end. I got more rest as a single parent than partnered.

Orangello · 08/06/2024 20:04

there was a woman on TikTok secretly filming when she told her boyfriend that she's feeling ill, need to rest and he should take care of her.
Boyfried immediately stated that he has the same thing and how is he supposed to take care of her if he is ill himself???

I really hope she dumped his arse.

Summertimeinschool · 08/06/2024 20:04

Mine usually takes our child to my in laws house and offers to go to the corner shop to buy lucozade or something before he leaves me to it for the day. The house usually goes to pot a bit and we've had a row in the past about him leaving me the washing up to do when I'm ill and things but he does always completely take over the childcare which is the main thing I suppose.

If it's a school day I have a mum friend I can ask to walk my son up the road to school and back, and I do the same for her. So he doesn't need to take a day off work but he would if I asked.

holjam · 08/06/2024 20:05

I'm sorry that you're feeling so unwell and hope you start to feel back to yourself soon.
I suffer pretty badly with gallstones and get flare ups every so often, DH just takes over completely as I get so sick I can't get out of bed. He'll sort kids and dinners etc, the house will kind of fall apart but I get over that knowing I don't have to worry about and take care of kids when I'm ill. He'll bring me water, painkillers, will check in on me too so really does take care of me.

ProvincialLady2024 · 08/06/2024 20:19

He would ignore me.

Italianita · 08/06/2024 20:23

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Justcallmebebes · 08/06/2024 20:31

Well hopefully he'll catch it from you and you can treat him exactly the same way he has treated you. Hope you feel better soon Flowers

dizzydizzydizzy · 08/06/2024 20:33

ExDP was like that . When I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, he refused to read the hospital letter about it.

I eventually realized he was a narcissistic abuser and left him.

Usernamerequired123 · 08/06/2024 20:38

Posted on another thread

I have been down with flu for 3 days now. Been in bed all day. But I made chicken pasta for 3 year old DS for tea because cooking is "mum's job"

He's also in middle of potty training and I had to clean his poo stuffed pants as he "forgot" to say. I was feeling mad at DS but can't be mad as he's still learning so I transferred madness on to DH for not coming sooner to rescue cleaning!!! DS saw me getting upset and snotty while cleaning and in the most loving way said "I love you mummy". 💕

DH offered to make tea later or order something for me as he was feeling guilty probably.

Apart from that DH has been hands on with DS today, took him for football, played trains.

ShinyBandana · 08/06/2024 20:42

I’ve been ill all week after being taken to A&E by colleagues. DH took the afternoon off work to keep me company in A&E and I’ve been bed bound at home since. He’s done everything for me, our kids, the home, and I’ve been able to rest properly.

It would never occur to me that I wouldn’t be looked after when I’m ill. Likewise, I do the same for him when he’s poorly. And when it’s one or both of the kids then we share the care and the time off work.

OP, it’s really sad that your DH doesn’t care for you when you are ill. It’s not too much to expect - it’s just normal, really.

Italianita · 08/06/2024 20:46

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Usernamerequired123 · 08/06/2024 20:56

@Italianita cooking / making breakfast/ lunch/ dinner/ tea / providing snacks is mum's job. 🤦🏻‍♀️

DH cooks rarely.

Italianita · 08/06/2024 20:59

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Grapewrath · 08/06/2024 21:55

He takes over everything and checks in and brings drinks, snack etc. Anyone who doesn’t take care of their sick wife/husband is proper shit imo

Ilovelurchers · 08/06/2024 22:02

OP, quite a lot of posts on here from people whose partners are particularly excellent at helping when they are ill.

I think if you carried out a survey across the UK, there would be a lot more variety and more of sliding scale, as some people (male and female) are better at coping with others' illness than others.

My daughter's dad (my ex) is actually an excellent father and generally did a lot around the house, but was utterly shitty when I was ill - I think it stressed him out for some reason, especially when dd was little - almost like I was doing it deliberately to piss him off.

I got ill at my mom's house recently and actually she reacted quite badly too and it reminded me of him! I think germs stress some people. She is otherwise lovely and an amazing mom.

I had another ex who was just pretty indifferent, and wouldn't have gone out of his way to do all the lovely things some of the posters here say their partners do, though he wasn't an all round evil human being who hated me. Just quite thoughtless at times.

My current partner is actually at his best when I am ill I think. He nursed me through a very serious illness a couple of years ago and was amazing. I think he should retrain as a nurse and have told him so.... He is by no means perfect in other ways, but certainly rises to the occasion when I am poorly.

I would say your partner does sound exceptionally bad around illness, OP. But to draw conclusions about whether or not the relationship is worth pursuing, you do need to look at his behaviour towards you and the kids in totality, if that makes sense?

Either way, I would try to talk to him about this seriously. He certainly needs to attempt to make more of an effort.

Look after yourself - I hope you feel better soon .

PTSDBarbiegirl · 08/06/2024 22:06

My DP takes great care of me, cleans, cooks, brings me whatever I need, watches movies with me, shops etc. He's amazing. I do same if he's unwell although he does most of the domestic stuff and wants to. Ex DH was as you've described, a self centred asshole.

ProvincialLady2024 · 08/06/2024 22:09

@Italianita

Finances and children. Hopefully one day I'll be in a position to get out.

caringcarer · 08/06/2024 22:10

He gets up and cooks breakfast for DC. He does all the laundry and bed making. He loads and unloads the dishwasher and puts the dishes away. He cooks meals. He brings me tea in bed. He vacuums. He cleans the kitchen. He drives DC with SN's to college and collects him.