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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how your partner helps if you’re unwell?

83 replies

mrsfox0 · 08/06/2024 15:51

I’m really poorly at the moment with flu. V bad cough, aching all over and so so tired. We have small DCs who are very clingy to me. I need some time to sleep in bed but my partner won’t take them out, or help me in any way. Doesn’t offer me a honey and lemon, and if I ask takes an hour to get it or takes so long he forgets. He even asked me to get him a drink earlier which I couldn’t believe. I had to make breakfast and lunch for DCs today as he had a lay in and wouldn’t get up as he stayed up late last night, even though I asked him not to stay up too late as I needed him to have the children today.

I just wondered if I’m expecting too much, I wanted him to take them out for a few hours so I could just rest, and I’ve had none today. If I say anything he gets annoyed at me and it just goes nowhere.

our children are very very mummy and I’m wondering if that’s why he’s like this. But he could at least take them out and then they’d be fine and wouldn’t want to come to me all day.

OP posts:
ActualChips · 08/06/2024 16:44

You haven't got a 'partner', just a low quality misogynist. There's no point to him. Make plans for a peaceful, happy future where you've dumped him and your kids don't think men like him are normal.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 08/06/2024 16:45

My DH would take over all parenting, housework etc and visit me regularly to offer pain killers, food, drink and entertainment.

Your partner is a complete arsehole. What do you get out of this relationship.

BalloonsStreamers · 08/06/2024 16:46

mrsfox0 · 08/06/2024 16:02

I'm really upset to be honest, it’s like me being unwell is just a real inconvenience. I want to be able to rest and have someone bring me a hot drink now and again

This is where you realise how he views you. You are an appliance and an inconvenience when you break down and do not perform your normal every day duties.

My Dh is the same as Dance because he loves me. Why would someone who should love and care for you treat you appallingly? If you can go to your parents, do it, leave him behind with the children where you can get well and he understands your worth and value.

His behaviour is disgusting.

Iloveacurry · 08/06/2024 16:47

What usually happens when he’s ill?

FinallyHere · 08/06/2024 16:47

I'm very sorry: what you are describing is the behaviour of a man exasperated that his usually reliable household appliance is malfunctioning, rather than someone who loves you and shows that love in his care for you.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 08/06/2024 16:47

You need to stay in bed and leave him to it.

Stop enabling him by feeding the kids etc. he needs to do this. And if he doesn't you need to rethink whether you want your bring up your children thinking this is a norod acceptable way to behave.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/06/2024 16:47

What a dick!

When I'm sick my dp takes over 100% of the house and childcare and encourages me to have a sleep. He will find paracetamol, bring hot water bottles and wash out sick bowls.

I do the same for him. I think this is a normal partnership.

Not helping when you're sick seems to lack normal compassion.

CaptainCabinets · 08/06/2024 16:48

He took my stitches out (I taught him how to do it 😂) after my shoulder surgery because I caught Covid and the practice nurse wouldn’t see me, and didn’t want the stitches to get stuck!

If I’m sicky, he’ll rinse out the sick bowl for me and bring me water and snacks.

If I’m snotty, he can’t bear to be anywhere near me due to an intense phobia of sniffing 😂 but I do get regular snacks and drinks and the bed to myself (he takes himself and the dog off to the sofa!)

Baby due in December and I’ve had an awful time with nausea and exhaustion so he’s taught himself to cook as I can’t bear the smell of anything cooking and will just place a meal in front of me to make sure I eat something. We’ve already agreed between us that he will deal with a vomiting baby and I will deal with a snotty baby!

Noopneep · 08/06/2024 16:48

OP, if you don't have basic kindness. What do you have?

UrbanFan · 08/06/2024 16:50

What an earth did you see in this awful man that you married him and had children with him? He should be taking care of his family. Look after the kids and let you get well. What a piece of work.

SantasRubiksCube · 08/06/2024 16:53

My DH is rubbish at knowing what to make the kids dinner and often gets in a flap about things but the last time I was ill, he fed the kids, went to the pharmacy multiple times for me, got me drinks, ran me a bath, did some shopping, took time off work as I was too ill to do anything for the kids. Of course your other half should step up, they are his kids too and you're unwell.

Anusername · 08/06/2024 17:01

my husband would definitely prioritize my wellbeing when I’m sick.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/06/2024 17:09

When im unwell DP takes over everything. I do the same when he's unwell. I wouldnt have even looked at a man who cant and wont step up when necessary. You have an unkind bare minimum man.

LifeInTheRaw · 08/06/2024 17:26

You do NOT deserve the treatment he is giving you.

I can't fairly compare my situation to yours, as we have no children still living at home with us.

He is in recovery from a MAJOR op five weeks ago, prior to that I had been doing everything because he was dangerously sick for four and a half years.

Unfortunately, a week after he was discharged from hospital, I fell sick, and still am with an (up to now) undiagnosed condition that I am in constant pain with at either 5/10 or 10/10.

When it's at the higher level, despite his post op difficulties, he does everything (aside from lifting, as that would be dangerous), he is exhausted most of the time, but when it's needed, he is my godsend.

Of course when I'm at a lower level, I absolutely get up and try my hardest to take on tasks so that I can relieve him.

The point I'm trying to illustrate, is that in a true partnership, you are their for each other.

If either of us lived solo, we would have to do everything, so whatever we can do for each other coz we do share our home, is a bonus.

I agree with pp, that you are being regarded as a broken down piece of very useful equipment, and you've upset his normal ability to be the lazy gut that he feels entitled to be, coz he's got away with behaving that way when you are well.

Please when you're better, try and talk together about a way forward that benefits both of you.
If that's not achievable, for whatever reason.
Then put your thinking cap on about the "ducks in a row" and coming back to Mumsnet so that the knowledgeable people on here that have unfortunately experienced poor unacceptable behaviour, can guide you to a better future, and better examples for your children to respect.
Good luck, and rest up...

LifeInTheRaw · 08/06/2024 17:28

Git not gut...

ApplesonTuesdays · 08/06/2024 17:33

Yes, dh would look after me. He probably wouldn't keep the house as tidy as I would like but he would sort out the children so I could have peace to be unwell in bed. He'd bring meds/drinks. He'd offer you get me some nice food.

I would do the same for him

BashfulClam · 08/06/2024 17:34

When I had norovirus, I was sick all night, when I stopped chucking up DH brought me a cold bottle of water and went to the shops for ice lollies and bread so I could have toast. He did all the laundry etc to let me rest.

Also when I have period cramp he gets me a hot water bottle and tries to cheer me up. His love language though is doing small things for me to show he cares.

adviceneeded1990 · 08/06/2024 17:35

mrsfox0 · 08/06/2024 15:58

Oh wow that’s so so lovely :)

It is lovely but it’s also what you should expect because I’m sure it’s what you’d do for him. My DH is exactly like this, takes over everything without a thought and lets me rest. Like I do when he’s unwell. Caring for each other is a bare minimum and you should absolutely expect it! Hope you feel better soon.

DaisyChain505 · 08/06/2024 17:37

Your partner shouldn’t be “helping” you with the children. They are his children he is just being a parent. But should be doing it better.

Make him do more permanently, Have more responsibilities all round and make sure he’s pulling his weight in all aspects of the children and house.

PeloMom · 08/06/2024 17:42

My DH doesn’t wait on me but takes care of DC and gives me the breaks and rest I need.

gingercat02 · 08/06/2024 17:42

I had a virus last week, possibly covid. I went to bed Tuesday afternoon and didn't surface until Wednesday late morning. DH did everything that needed done and brought me drinks without being asked. He also took over completely until I went back to work on Friday.

Elieza · 08/06/2024 17:45

LTB

Sorry OP, he doesn't love you or care about you. Or the children. Don't waste your time with him.

LastRites · 08/06/2024 17:57

I rarely get ill but I had a d&v bug a few weeks back and he did shop runs for anything I asked for and sorted the children out 100% explaining I was unwell and to leave me in peace. I don’t like fuss when I’m not well so prefer my own space but he asks what I want and no request is too much. I said I was going to sleep downstairs so he didn’t get ill but he sent me to bed and said he would. He does 50/50 anyway so routines are no problem for him to take over.

If I were too unwell to manage school runs etc on a day I normally do them, he would sort an alternative, and would arrange to WFH if necessary. As soon as I mention feeling ill (rare), he proclaims himself Nurse xxx and makes me hot water bottles, drinks, gets blankets and lights candles. Part of me actually enjoys the rare times I do get sick because I get thoroughly spoiled - in the same way I do with my kids 😂

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 08/06/2024 19:28

mrsfox0 · 08/06/2024 16:02

I'm really upset to be honest, it’s like me being unwell is just a real inconvenience. I want to be able to rest and have someone bring me a hot drink now and again

Yup - that's what it is tov your h. His domestic appliance has broken and he wants it fixed.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 08/06/2024 19:28

That's what you are to your dh, that should say!