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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is a giant red flag?

105 replies

saywhatnowhuh · 07/06/2024 03:46

Been on a few dates with a guy. Due to travels we've been chatting a long time but only been on a handful of dates. I haven't slept with him yet because I didn't feel ready. We get on great. No issues until....

On Friday night, I was in a bar with work colleagues when a random drunk man came and sat down next to me and put his hand on my knee and then, before I could move away, attempted to put it up my skirt.

I obviously moved away and spoke to the staff and he was thrown out the bar. No harm done but not the nicest experience.

I told the guy I've been dating about this and his response was "well you did look hot in that dress" (he'd seen a photo from that night) "...but I can't have some random drunk guy getting further with you than I have".

I'm not a sensitive person AT ALL and I honestly thought this was a vile response.

AIBU to think this is gross and a huge red flag?

OP posts:
MaybeSmaller · 07/06/2024 10:05

He's done you a favour by showing you what an enormous creep he is after just a few dates. Now run a mile (away from him).

Caerulea · 07/06/2024 10:06

I physically recoiled from my phone reading his reply.

If I were you I'd do the same from him. Block & move on. Holy shit some men are truly terrifying

Mnetcurious · 07/06/2024 10:17

SherrieElmer · 07/06/2024 09:18

A tactless flippant response. The poor sod probably meant it in a lighthearted way to cheer you up and probably thinking you would appreciate a compliment.
This would not worry me as a sexist or misogynistic comment but rather as a sign that he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer if you know what I mean.

Mindsets like this are why men like the two in the op continue to get away with these behaviours and attitudes. Sexual assault is not to be taken lightly, but that’s what the boyfriend did and took it further by using it to make a point that he wants more, sexually, from the op.

betterangels · 07/06/2024 11:40

He can fuck off. Get away from him. That's so gross.

betterangels · 07/06/2024 11:43

TheCultureHusks · 07/06/2024 09:05

I’ve said it before on these threads and I’ll say it again.

The kind of women who end up in good, supportive relationships with decent men, the kind of women who are ‘lucky’ to ‘find a good one’ are NOT just lucky. They end up with decent men because they do NOT ‘give the benefit of the doubt’ or ‘give him a chance to apologise’. They drop kick the bottom-feeders at the first strike, and no second chances, and they only stay with the actual good men.

Think about it. He’s shown you who he is by that comment - and what he is is at best second-rate. It’s a foul thing to say. A decent man wouldn’t have said it, so if you actually want a genuinely decent man - move on!

What does an apology achieve? - only a heads-up to this kind of grunt that he’d better watch his mouth if he wants to keep this one. So he watches his mouth. And? You’ve still got a grunt, and the decent men are floating by.

No second chances. This is what early dating is for. One strike and out, move on.

Show quote history

👏👏

HideousKinky · 07/06/2024 11:50

Unbelievable. And he's probably incapable of seeing what's wrong with what he said

Workhardcryharder · 07/06/2024 11:59

Who uses someone’s scary sexual assault experience to start a sexting session 🤮🤮

AlbertaWildRose · 07/06/2024 12:02

TheCultureHusks · 07/06/2024 09:05

I’ve said it before on these threads and I’ll say it again.

The kind of women who end up in good, supportive relationships with decent men, the kind of women who are ‘lucky’ to ‘find a good one’ are NOT just lucky. They end up with decent men because they do NOT ‘give the benefit of the doubt’ or ‘give him a chance to apologise’. They drop kick the bottom-feeders at the first strike, and no second chances, and they only stay with the actual good men.

Think about it. He’s shown you who he is by that comment - and what he is is at best second-rate. It’s a foul thing to say. A decent man wouldn’t have said it, so if you actually want a genuinely decent man - move on!

What does an apology achieve? - only a heads-up to this kind of grunt that he’d better watch his mouth if he wants to keep this one. So he watches his mouth. And? You’ve still got a grunt, and the decent men are floating by.

No second chances. This is what early dating is for. One strike and out, move on.

Show quote history

100%. Love this.

Anon1274 · 07/06/2024 12:07

beckybarefoot · 07/06/2024 09:52

@saywhatnowhuh I obviously moved away and spoke to the staff and he was thrown out the bar. No harm done but not the nicest experience.

i beg your pardon?

the man sexually assalted you, and all the bar did was throw the man out? did they/you not ring the police?

this is why people (notice i went gendar nuetrel because its not just men who do this) do things like this, because its brushed off as no harm done.

no harm done?

did you make the same comment to your fella? which might in some ways explain his response?

no its not ok! its not ok to touch someone, let alone try reach into their pants! and its not ok for him to respond the way he did?

Given that actual rapists generally dont get convicted, what do you expect the police to do about a drunk man briefly touching her leg?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/06/2024 12:10

TheCultureHusks · 07/06/2024 09:05

I’ve said it before on these threads and I’ll say it again.

The kind of women who end up in good, supportive relationships with decent men, the kind of women who are ‘lucky’ to ‘find a good one’ are NOT just lucky. They end up with decent men because they do NOT ‘give the benefit of the doubt’ or ‘give him a chance to apologise’. They drop kick the bottom-feeders at the first strike, and no second chances, and they only stay with the actual good men.

Think about it. He’s shown you who he is by that comment - and what he is is at best second-rate. It’s a foul thing to say. A decent man wouldn’t have said it, so if you actually want a genuinely decent man - move on!

What does an apology achieve? - only a heads-up to this kind of grunt that he’d better watch his mouth if he wants to keep this one. So he watches his mouth. And? You’ve still got a grunt, and the decent men are floating by.

No second chances. This is what early dating is for. One strike and out, move on.

Show quote history

Yes! Why on earth would anyone give an obvious creep like this a second chance?! If he was 'trying to be lighthearted', that doesn't make it even a tiny bit more forgiveable. Making lighthearted remarks to a woman about their sexual assault is a red flag.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/06/2024 12:10

He's a creepy letch
Glad you haven't slept with him
Bin

Tooski · 07/06/2024 12:17

So in light of someone trying to sexually assault you, he passively aggressively moans about the lack of sex.

Cunt.

dunBle · 07/06/2024 12:19

I think I'd be going with "thanks to that comment, that random drunk guy has got further with me than you ever will. Bye now".

Yougotwhatstuckwhere · 07/06/2024 12:59

It doesn't deserve a response. Equally he hasn't followed that shit up? Good.
Just ignore if he does try again because every woman is worth more than that 🌻

Naunet · 07/06/2024 13:01

SherrieElmer · 07/06/2024 09:18

A tactless flippant response. The poor sod probably meant it in a lighthearted way to cheer you up and probably thinking you would appreciate a compliment.
This would not worry me as a sexist or misogynistic comment but rather as a sign that he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer if you know what I mean.

The poor sod? Fuck me 🙄

Its a gross, crass comment and it would kill it for me, shows exactly how he views sexual assault.

Snappers3 · 07/06/2024 13:21

Utterly vile. He's scum.
Bullet dodged for sure.
That bar should have called the police, you were sexually assaulted.
You poor woman.

KreedKafer · 07/06/2024 14:43

SherrieElmer · 07/06/2024 09:18

A tactless flippant response. The poor sod probably meant it in a lighthearted way to cheer you up and probably thinking you would appreciate a compliment.
This would not worry me as a sexist or misogynistic comment but rather as a sign that he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer if you know what I mean.

Are you trying to win some kind of 'Worst Judge Of Character' competition or something?

beckybarefoot · 07/06/2024 15:36

Anon1274 · 07/06/2024 12:07

Given that actual rapists generally dont get convicted, what do you expect the police to do about a drunk man briefly touching her leg?

Show quote history

??? maybe because people don't acually report it! the OP didnt say he briefly touched her leg, she said he touched her leg and then moved his hand up her skirt... are YOU saying this behaviour is ok?

noctilucentcloud · 07/06/2024 15:56

I'm sorry a man thought it was acceptable to do that to you OP and I'm sorry for the response you got from your boyfriend. Like others I think it's awful, minimising and uncaring. Even giving him the smallest tiny chink of benefit of the doubt that maybe he didn't understand how vulnerable and shaken this can make you feel or he was attempting (and failing massively) at light-heartedness, he should've almost immediately realised how off the mark his comments were. I also don't like his slightly possessive / objectifying you when he talked about how he couldn't have someone else going further with you than him. It's incredibly disrespectful.

So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable and think it's a massive red flag too. I wouldn't want to date him.

SamW98 · 07/06/2024 16:05

TheCultureHusks · 07/06/2024 09:05

I’ve said it before on these threads and I’ll say it again.

The kind of women who end up in good, supportive relationships with decent men, the kind of women who are ‘lucky’ to ‘find a good one’ are NOT just lucky. They end up with decent men because they do NOT ‘give the benefit of the doubt’ or ‘give him a chance to apologise’. They drop kick the bottom-feeders at the first strike, and no second chances, and they only stay with the actual good men.

Think about it. He’s shown you who he is by that comment - and what he is is at best second-rate. It’s a foul thing to say. A decent man wouldn’t have said it, so if you actually want a genuinely decent man - move on!

What does an apology achieve? - only a heads-up to this kind of grunt that he’d better watch his mouth if he wants to keep this one. So he watches his mouth. And? You’ve still got a grunt, and the decent men are floating by.

No second chances. This is what early dating is for. One strike and out, move on.

Show quote history

Absolutely 💯 👏👏👏👏

SamW98 · 07/06/2024 16:09

SherrieElmer · 07/06/2024 09:18

A tactless flippant response. The poor sod probably meant it in a lighthearted way to cheer you up and probably thinking you would appreciate a compliment.
This would not worry me as a sexist or misogynistic comment but rather as a sign that he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer if you know what I mean.

Oh the poor little man was just having a bit of bantz and the silly woman didn’t just flutter her eyelashes and giggle like the good little handmaiden she thinks she should be.

Oh to fuck off. Hes making a joke about her being sexually assaulted to remind her she’s not ‘put out’ yet

No self respecting woman should tolerate this misogynistic BS

OP - I would have to respond telling him how inappropriate his comment is and that you’re done

Arconialiving · 07/06/2024 19:32

Block him - that's just grim.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 07/06/2024 19:34

DifficultBloodyWoman · 07/06/2024 04:21

I have the ick just reading that.

Me too

Snappers3 · 07/06/2024 19:37

What you can definitely take from that remark is that he is NOT into you, nor cares a whit about you.
He couldn't possibly care about you and joke about you being sexually assaulted.

Maria1979 · 07/06/2024 19:43

A giant red flag! What you would expect from a decent man/person is either being angry on your behalf and/or asking how you feel having been sexually aggressed. But no, he clearly lacks empathy and is not in love with you. How do you think he would react if his sister told him something similar? For him your relationship is purely sexual and if this is not what you are looking for then forget about him. Sorry, but better now than after having his children.. and there are good decent men out there so dont despair💝

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