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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For saying no?

91 replies

Sporttty · 06/06/2024 21:28

My parents go away for 2 weeks next week, I have a 2y 8mo and a 2.5 month old who I’m ebf.

My mum has just asked could our eldest child sleep over before they go away

I’ve said no. It’s very kind and nice which I’ve explained but I don’t want to send one kid out and not together just as right now our older child is a bit upset being separated and is noticing a lot when I’m with the baby and getting upset. They’re completely adjusting to life with a new baby sibling.

my mum is now being very short with me and making digs about not being able to baby sit our youngest as I’m breastfeeding

Am I a dickhead for saying no?

OP posts:
MummyCushion · 06/06/2024 21:30

Is the oldest child used to staying over St the GP's house? Does she like going?

2Old2Tango · 06/06/2024 21:32

No you're not being a dickhead OP. The older sibling sometimes takes time to adjust to there being a new baby, and can feel pushed out, so I can understand not wanting to send them to grandmas overnight. Your mum needs to get over herself and stop making you feel guilty.

Alwaystired2023 · 06/06/2024 21:32

No of course not and you don't need to justify your decision. They are your children and you are all having a big adjustment. Your mum is being unreasonable for being in a huff about it, not exactly supportive

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/06/2024 21:32

Of course you’re not a dickhead! You’re doing what you think is best for your child. She should respect that and put it above her own wishes.

Original poster
Sporttty · 06/06/2024 21:34

She has stayed in all of her nearly 3 years of life around 5-10 times! I don’t have a problem with it overall it’s just as she’s adjusting still and I’ve noticed has been upset if I go up alone to change baby nappy etc so she wants to be with me all the time which I completely get so she is

but the last time she stayed was when I had the baby, so I’m wondering if she goes alone now while feeling like this If it could put a negative spin on Nan and grandad (1) house?

OP posts:
Tristar15 · 06/06/2024 21:34

I would have asked if they wanted to or not before saying no straight away. Your child might have enjoyed having attention from grandparents. And if you’re saying you don’t want to send one without the other then you’re years away from that as your youngest is so young. Don’t expect them to pick up overnights when it suits you.

BIossomtoes · 06/06/2024 21:35

Sporttty · 06/06/2024 21:34

She has stayed in all of her nearly 3 years of life around 5-10 times! I don’t have a problem with it overall it’s just as she’s adjusting still and I’ve noticed has been upset if I go up alone to change baby nappy etc so she wants to be with me all the time which I completely get so she is

but the last time she stayed was when I had the baby, so I’m wondering if she goes alone now while feeling like this If it could put a negative spin on Nan and grandad (1) house?

Have you explained that to your mum?

Spirallingdownwards · 06/06/2024 21:37

Ask the child? Maybe spin it as special big girl sleepover with Nanny and Grandad that babies can't do. And rope your mum in to going down that route so she feels it's special.

Moonpie6 · 06/06/2024 22:01

Sorry if this is bit thick but how have you got an 8 month old and a 2.5 month old???

BIossomtoes · 06/06/2024 22:07

Moonpie6 · 06/06/2024 22:01

Sorry if this is bit thick but how have you got an 8 month old and a 2.5 month old???

2.8 year old.

stonedaisy · 06/06/2024 22:11

You're not a dickhead but wouldnt you be grateful for the help and wouldnt it be nice for the elder child?
Whats the real reason for saying no?

beckybarefoot · 06/06/2024 22:14

perhaps the offer has been made to give you some help, taking the older GC might show them that its ok to not be following mummy around all day? it might also make them feel special that they get to go to grandma's house and the baby stays at home?

but at the end of the day, they are your children and any decision you make is the right one and your mum should also accept this

lemonmeringueno3 · 06/06/2024 22:14

Well your mum will be irritated because you've implied that she'd need to take both of them, but you're ages away from that.

I'd have thought it would be nice for dd to get some undivided attention and for you to be able to focus exclusively on baby.

But your choice of course.

Anon1274 · 06/06/2024 22:16

If she’s going to get upset then obviously you’re not being unreasonable. Your mum shouldn’t be putting her wishes above your child’s wellbeing. But saying that it may have the opposite affect of what you’re expecting. She’ll have an entire night with nanny having all of the attention for herself. If she’s willing to go could you trust your mum to let you know if she asks to come back home?

beckybarefoot · 06/06/2024 22:16

stonedaisy · 06/06/2024 22:11

You're not a dickhead but wouldnt you be grateful for the help and wouldnt it be nice for the elder child?
Whats the real reason for saying no?

i do feel theres a little bit more to this story too

Original poster
Sporttty · 06/06/2024 22:19

I’m a bit unsure what people mean? More to the story?

I’ve said no as I am very aware our new baby is with me most of the time as I’m the only one who can feed etc, I care about how my eldest feels and I said no not as I’m not ever , just not yet.

my mum said she would mind the 2 but then threw digs about me ‘still’ breastfeeding in. So I don’t think she wouldn’t have 2

There’s nothing deep to it, I don’t want my eldest thinking mummy and daddy are at home with the new baby giving them attention. I want her to know she’s still so very important to us and gets our attention too

might be feeling sensitive but I just want her to feel ok :)

OP posts:
ByPeachJoker · 06/06/2024 22:21

YANBU - your older child will likely feel upset that they have been separated from you whilst the younger gets to stay. Our parents agreed with us and didn't want to take just one child which helped and now it's great because both kids always want to be together and will happily stay over at the grandparents together.

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 06/06/2024 22:24

I think you've got it all wrong.

I would have said yes & put a spin on how "special" the big sibling is, being able to spend one on one time with the grandies, because the other one is too little.

I would of made it out to be a big "treat" to be able to spend the night.

IgnoranceNotOk · 06/06/2024 22:25

YABU - let her go and have some special time being spoilt by some family.
You could even ask you mum to watch the baby for an hour or two and take your daughter out for a treat so you have that special time for a bit as well.

I think they’re also trying to do you a favour and give you some time to rest.

I jumped at the chance when I’d had my second.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 06/06/2024 22:26

I think a lot of toddlers would be glad of a break from the baby and to have 1 on 1 time with grandparents.

But only you know your child.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2024 22:41

Whats the real reason for saying no?

i do feel theres a little bit more to this story too

I think you've got it all wrong.

Why oh why do so many women insist on perpetuating the historical mind fuck on other women to be nice, to appreciate something they aren't comfortable with, and to always have an "good enough" reason for saying no when not immediately being a people pleaser.

The op isn't having her two year old sleepover her grandparent's because she doesn't fucking want her to. She believes it's not the right time, and she doesn't need her mother to be a cow about it. I fully realize it's the bloody internet and we can share our opinion if we want to, and I actually always encourage it, but I so wish women would stop doubting themselves and not feel the need to fret about such a benign parenting choice.

Op, stop second guessing yourself, and you don't need to look for validation for your decisions from anyone. You're doing great.

But only you know your child.

Exactly!

TheCultureHusks · 06/06/2024 22:44

Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2024 22:41

Whats the real reason for saying no?

i do feel theres a little bit more to this story too

I think you've got it all wrong.

Why oh why do so many women insist on perpetuating the historical mind fuck on other women to be nice, to appreciate something they aren't comfortable with, and to always have an "good enough" reason for saying no when not immediately being a people pleaser.

The op isn't having her two year old sleepover her grandparent's because she doesn't fucking want her to. She believes it's not the right time, and she doesn't need her mother to be a cow about it. I fully realize it's the bloody internet and we can share our opinion if we want to, and I actually always encourage it, but I so wish women would stop doubting themselves and not feel the need to fret about such a benign parenting choice.

Op, stop second guessing yourself, and you don't need to look for validation for your decisions from anyone. You're doing great.

But only you know your child.

Exactly!

EXACTLY THIS!

HulaChick · 11/06/2024 07:05

If you think your older child maybe feeling a bit pushed out, could you express some milk into a bottle & let them feed the baby every so often? Just an idea that might make them feel involved in the care of their baby sibling? By the way, you are not being unfair!!

BurbageBrook · 11/06/2024 07:09

YANBU at all. I would reply more fully but I don't need to because @Aquamarine1029 has said everything I think but expressed it much more eloquently.

Casiemace · 11/06/2024 08:30

Why not express some milk so your other child can feed the baby too? Or give you a break.... I think you should ask the eldest child if she wants to stay there, it's a god send they are offering my child has no grandparents. Kids are naturally going to feel jealous but shouldn't be glued to you life goes on as it always does and might be nice to have just u and the baby time