For saying no?

[Sporttty]

My parents go away for 2 weeks next week, I have a 2y 8mo and a 2.5 month old who I’m ebf.

My mum has just asked could our eldest child sleep over before they go away

I’ve said no. It’s very kind and nice which I’ve explained but I don’t want to send one kid out and not together just as right now our older child is a bit upset being separated and is noticing a lot when I’m with the baby and getting upset. They’re completely adjusting to life with a new baby sibling.

my mum is now being very short with me and making digs about not being able to baby sit our youngest as I’m breastfeeding

Am I a dickhead for saying no?

If you do not believe it is the right time for your eldest to stay at her grand parents then that is the right call end of you know ur child best.

When I had my second I arrange a big sister/big brother fun afternoon with my older 2, with presents from the new baby to them, and some mum 1 on 1 time movies games ect, i also allowed them to be involved with the new babies care e.g bath time with big sissy ect.

I like to think it made things easier for my older 2 to adjust and even though the baby needs more care I could still spend an half hour reading and snuggling with my older 2 b4 bed.

Hope some of these ideas help.

"a bit more"

Like what, exactly?

This child isn't even three yet. It's not going to damage family relations to not stay over with grandparents for one night, but it might well cause issues at home as the toddler is already discombobulated with the new sibling.

If younger child is feeling insecure I can understand your reasoning - but you could also try to spin it as a very special treat for big girls who have been so very very good, to go and stay at grandmas and see how she feels? She could be very excited? It could make her feel more secure and help with bonding with DGP. I wouldn’t rule it out.

You can ask her if it's something she'd like if you're wavering and go child lead. But no is a responsible responsible for now, not forever!

Ignore the digs, why do women and mothers especially do this to each other, judge and not support choices - choices they had and made. Your child your choice.

And as the child who was outsourced to anyone who would have her when new baby came along, and was a difficult young child, this lasted most of my own young childhood - it does have an impact. I have a very strained relationship with my parents, I felt rejected/neglected and my siblings favoured, punished because I was easy/independent and they were hard work and needy. It's had a lasting impression on my were I often consider grandparents more parental than my folks. It was horrible.

Trust your instincts, you know your daughter and if right now family bonding and unity it the main need - unapologetically do that. Sleep overs will come.

Go with your gut feeling and do what you think is right for your daughter. Your parents seem to be making it all about them.

It really isn’t usually that easy to get an EBF baby to take a bottle, even if it’s expressed milk. I don’t know why people so often seem to think it is.

You're not being a dickhead, but I think the reason you told your Mum and her subsequent digs are a misunderstanding - you didn't explain your reasons properly.

If your Mum really wants to support you and spend time with your eldest I think coming to your house and really making a big fuss over her would help show DD1 that she has not been pushed away by the new baby.

I get your reasoning. But it might be that the toddler would really love a sleepover with nan and grandad. They would get lots of undivided attention and you would get a bit of a break.

Maybe you could ask your mum and dad to have the baby for a few hours another time so you could do something just with your eldest? If you can't express, maybe just between feeds? They could stay at yours with the baby while you go to the park or somewhere. Or they take baby out while you do some painting or crafty things at home.

It sounds like your older child needs some special 1 on 1 time with YOU, not with her grandparents.

Your mum should have taken no for an answer, whether she approved of your reasoning or not. It's entirely up to you whether and when your child goes elsewhere overnight, and making nasty digs about you breastfeeding is appalling. Is she usually like this?

I think you’re over thinking it, attention is likely to be less on your older child that’s not natural so sleeping at grandparents will be a nice break for her. 5/10 times is a good amount for her to be comfortable.
Id say let her go and be spoilt.

It's totally up to you - your child your choice. The only thing I would say is my older son loved staying over with his grandparents - spoilt him rotten and he loved going.

Ask your toddler what she thinks and take it from there. It's easy to feel overprotective or concerned when a new baby arrives. X

Re breastfeeding: well-done! Keep going.

I can see why you would and wouldn’t send her, the break would be nice and she’d get some 1:1 or 1:2 grandparent time and that’s so special if they have a good relationship. I think if you frame it as a special treat then it wouldn’t be negative. I wish I had grandparents nearby offering help!

But I can also see you want to keep her close and not have her feel pushed away and out of the house. Has to feel right for you, if the timing is wrong then don’t do it.

I’d ask your toddler, see how they feel. It may be a good opportunity for them to be indulged, because managing a toddler and tiny baby is a real juggle and it is hard to give the toddler attention. It’s a phase, but in this phase, maybe your toddler would enjoy the undivided attention from grandparents?

I can't see if you've actually asked your toddler? Surely that's a big piece of the puzzle? She might love getting some one on one attention from her grandparents to make her feel a bit special.

Sometimes you have to consider others (your mum’s feelings) even if you are in the trenches. Your grandparents are offering to help, how is this a bad thing?

Let her go as one night won’t make her any less clingy and having individual attention might do her the world of good.

Buy your mum needs to behave like an adult as no is a complete sentence

You're over thinking here, yes no one can look after the breastfed baby and getting help where you can is great. If your child is anxious that is a negative for you and your child so don't enforce it.

I can completely see where you’re coming from. When I had my second child my eldest also felt really pushed out by the baby, only with me though. She didn’t want her dad, aunties or grandparents, she wanted my attention. I would have made the same choice as you, for the same reasons. Your mother should not be putting her wants ahead of your eldest’s needs.

That being said I would probably speak to your mum about it. Explain again that it’s just that now is a bad time, you eldest is having a hard transition and you don’t want her to feel like she’s been sent away so that baby can have more of your time.

The transition from 1 to 2 kids is really hard and it sounds like you’re doing a really good job.

It’s your choice of course. I do think your eldest might benefit from time alone with them being spoilt but only you know that.

just as a different perspective. I would give anything for my kids to be invited to stay overnight at grandparents. Sounds like your mum really enjoys and wants to have her grandchildren which is a really really wonderful thing and I would be wanting to very much nurture that relationship. My in laws make it very clear that having my children is nothing but a nuisance.

Ask your little one. If they want to go and you still say no then you are being a bit unreasonable.

if they don’t want to go then hey ho. Can’t they come over and spend some time with grandkids?

I think you’re looking at it the wrong way, your eldest is probably being so clingy to you because she is struggling with the change from being the only child and having your full attention to having the new baby come and taking up a lot of your time. A sleepover at Grandma’s house where she will be their sole focus might be just what she needs. I have similarly aged DC and, after my youngest was born, my eldest loved going for sleepovers with at GP’s house as they made such a big deal of her and she was the center of attention unlike at home where my focus was split and obviously large portions of the day were dedicated to the new baby. Also EBF so no real option to send both away for the break but my DD never felt pushed out by going away for the odd sleepover on her own, in fact she loved it.

Agree with this in part, but it would be better ti have that exclusive sole focus from her mum who she is obviously missing and no be farmed out to her grandparents, lovely as their intentions are.

Your child, your choice. My parents do this (mine are older) but they feel it's easier with 1 child and my dad takes my son to the football which dd doesn't enjoy yet. I've had to put my foot down and say they need to spend equal time with them, it's become a bit of a habit from the baby days where I was grateful to have 1 less little to look after. I think starting from the outset and setting this boundary isn't a bad idea, in our case my dd gets sad they don't want to see her as much so it's the opposite issue but if you want to not split the children up right now, you can say that, it's totally your perogative.
I'd just calmly explain again to your mum, maybe ask her advice (older people love this) about how to make your older one feel loved and involved with the baby.... she'll calm down, and you're right, your responsibility is to your children over her feelings