Partner swanning off on holiday

[Ohhhmyygoddd]

As the title says really. I have known about this for sometime but this is exactly the problem. I get told that he's is doing it things and not exactly consulted.
He's going off on a lads holiday for five days and me and DS are obviously staying at home. I was riled anyway because it's just inconsiderate, planned and booked and paid for and then I'm told he is going. To top it off it's not like we can even afford it. So we'll be skint for the rest of the month now too!

He's gone off to sleep in the spare room as he has to be up early hours and doesn't want to b woken up. I feel a bit annoyed that hes unwilling to even share a bed on the last night before he goes away. He hasn't even said bye to DS before he went to bed. We've spent the whole day pratting around trying to get everything sorted for him. I just feel like he's being selfish. But when I mention anything I'm th selfish one. I do have very severe anxiety disorder and it is made worse when I'm on my own and the thought of having five while days just be and DS fills me with dread. I'm so anxious of something bad happening and being alone, or something happening to me while he is away however I haven't voiced these concerns to him because I know he will turn it on me.

Just to add he is always going on lads trips, at least once every couple months and in between those he will hav several nights out and other days out. Am I being unreasonable to be slightly annoyed. I don't want to deny him any time with his friends but at th same time how is it fair. He doesn't think of his family he just does it jat he wants to do and sod everyone else!

Do you also get time free to have nights out/holidays with your friends OP? Having that time to spend with your friends or doing something for yourself is really important but it has to be fair and equal, it’s not fair for him to always make plans with his friends if that doesn’t leave you time to make plans with yours.

I do think trips away should be discussed before they are agreed and booked, not because you need permission but just as a courtesy, especially once there are children involved, DH & I would always check that it’s okay before committing because whoever is going to be left looking after the child may also have plans/work etc.

Does he also have dedicated “family” time?

I don’t personally think that in a family anybody should make decisions about trips/nights away without at least discussing it with partner first to make sure it’s all okay!

I can’t imagine this is a new behaviour based on your post so I’ll do the mumsnet cliche of saying yabu to have a child with someone like this thinking they’d change

"We've spent the whole day pratting around trying to get everything sorted for him."

Why have you pratted about sorting everything for him?

I can’t imagine grudging DH a holiday as long as he was equally happy for me to take regular time away (which we both do). Plus surely it makes sense for him to sleep alone so he doesn’t wake you when he’s leaving? What was it you were doing to ‘get him ready’ — how can a give-day trip require that much admin/packing that can’t be done by the person travelling?

And your anxiety sounds very high for a five-day separation — are you getting help with it?

He's either a family man
. Partner/ Dad or single.
Looks like he's acting like he's single.

I don't go anywhere, for a number of reasons, I actually don't have many close friends to do anything with, secondly my anxiety limits me.

Packing his bag, him wanting help with choosing his clothes and outfits, getting travel money, etc basically he's unorganized and then expects me to help at the last min.

My partner does several times a year. Always has done, even when DD was a baby. I've learnt to enjoy the peace.
It's fair enough as long as you make sure you get your free time back.
But if he makes a habit of it I wouldn't have any more kids with him unless you have support.

Sat it's not. However I did think that when we had our DS that family would come first. Evidently not. He thinks because he works full tim.amd.i don't that he's entitled which yes he deserves some down time but five days abroad is a bit much.

I think you need to work on your anxiety OP, therapy may be the way forward for you here and could really open things up.

I can see why when you are always at home it would feel irritating that he is off out & about with friends but it’s not his fault that you aren’t able to do those things. You would probably find that actually if you also had some plans then it wouldn’t be such an issue.

But that’s your choice, OP. His holiday, his organisational issue. I mean, you’re not going to be the one without clean underwear on day 3, are you?

I don’t think it’s fair to say that 5 days abroad is too much OP, it’s totally normal and actually on the shorter end of a holiday and he does deserve a break. BUT so do you. You need to figure out a way to make that happen.

No I suppose not! 😂

Would he go away with you if your anxiety didn't prevent you ?

Yes I guess if I had my own plans it would maybe be more bearable.

I've had lots of treatments for my Anxiety over the years but sadly I never seem to get very far

Yes. OP, your condition is severely limiting your life. It’s unfair to expect your partner to limit his to ‘match’. What are you doing to work on yours? Are you saying you don’t work either, as well as having few friends? That’s what you should be concentrating on.

Yes, he would, we have done before before DS was born.

There is a medium here.

It was wrong of him not to discuss it with you first.

But him going away for a few days is fine and it’s very extreme to be so worried about looking after your child alone. As a PP asked, are you getting professional
help for this?

It’s your issue if you don’t want to go out much, but that doesn’t mean he can’t either. My DH try to ensure we both get some free time when possible.

I have old friends from school but I very rarely see them as we live so far away now and have our own children etc also I feel like a burden to them sometimes.

I am/was a HCP for ten years and then DS came along and my anxiety got worse, we can't afford childcare and I developed a physical health condition and we decided it made sense for me to be a SAHM which I have been for around a year now.

I don't want him to match me, I guess I just feel like he doesn't consider me and DS when making these kind of decisions.

Next time - and there will be a next time - do nothing for him. His holiday, his problem. In fact go out for the whole day, the day before he goes.

You need to start doing things for yourself. Even if it's just taking dc to the park or going for a walk.

We do go fo walks and the the park and soft play or to the shops etc but we never venture far alone.

He works, he wants a holiday, you can't go, he goes. The alternatives are:

He never goes away.
You find a way to get to a place you can go away.

And nothing else. I love traveling. And I go both with and without DD and/or DH. If he couldn't travel because of health, I'd still do it and it would be a dealbreaker.

Could you do a better job of budgeting 'fun money' so he has holidays and you have, whatever, fancy clothes, frivolous stuff for the house? You might feel better and the money wouldn't cause resentment.

And why are you doing it for him??

'Packing his bag, him wanting help with choosing his clothes and outfits, getting travel money, etc basically he's unorganized and then expects me to help at the last min.'

Then don't. It's not his fault your anxiety prevents you going anywhere and it's not fair to him to expect him not to go. But, if he can actually go on holiday like a big boy, he can get his stuff ready like one too. Stop being a walkover.

Why are you a SAHM but not married? You have made yourself financially very vulnerable. It doesn't sound like a great relationship, you really need to work in case things don't last!