Partner swanning off on holiday

[Ohhhmyygoddd]

As the title says really. I have known about this for sometime but this is exactly the problem. I get told that he's is doing it things and not exactly consulted.
He's going off on a lads holiday for five days and me and DS are obviously staying at home. I was riled anyway because it's just inconsiderate, planned and booked and paid for and then I'm told he is going. To top it off it's not like we can even afford it. So we'll be skint for the rest of the month now too!

He's gone off to sleep in the spare room as he has to be up early hours and doesn't want to b woken up. I feel a bit annoyed that hes unwilling to even share a bed on the last night before he goes away. He hasn't even said bye to DS before he went to bed. We've spent the whole day pratting around trying to get everything sorted for him. I just feel like he's being selfish. But when I mention anything I'm th selfish one. I do have very severe anxiety disorder and it is made worse when I'm on my own and the thought of having five while days just be and DS fills me with dread. I'm so anxious of something bad happening and being alone, or something happening to me while he is away however I haven't voiced these concerns to him because I know he will turn it on me.

Just to add he is always going on lads trips, at least once every couple months and in between those he will hav several nights out and other days out. Am I being unreasonable to be slightly annoyed. I don't want to deny him any time with his friends but at th same time how is it fair. He doesn't think of his family he just does it jat he wants to do and sod everyone else!

Living with someone with anxiety and no local friends must be quite hard. He has offered to stay home with the children whilst you socialise, in fairness. Why not stay with an old schoolfriend for a weekend. See what transpires.

The “we don’t need to be married” thing is a red flag. It’s not in his interests to marry you. You really need to find a job asap OP. Tell him the truth ie that it’s for your own protection because he won’t give you the protection of a legal marriage contract.

I do get a disability benefit and child benefit etc so I'm not completely penniless. He lays the bills and the money I get lays my phone and things for DS or whatever I wish.

I imagine it is exhausting for him living with me and I always try to let him do things because I feel some guilt about that.

This is the problem, along with the costs. Stop letting him commandeer your time and family finances. No respectable human spends money on themselves leaving their partner and child “skint for the next month.”

OP, you really need some help with the anxiety or your life is going to be so small. The more you indulge your anxiety by avoiding any triggers, the worse it is going to be, and the less and less your partner will respect you. You are worth a lot more than being a housekeeper who rarely leaves the house. And for your DS, it is important he sees his mum having a more normal life, or he will grow up thinking the dynamic between his parents is the way it is. I know you have tried various treatements, but can you see your GP and get another referral? Wishing you all the best in a difficult situation.

@Ohhhmyygoddd no way help him next time. Packing , getting travel money. He's a big bit now.

@Ohhhmyygoddd I think you really need to try and build up slowly OP- or this will ruin your life- and not be much fun for your child either- Think of it as something you do for your son! take him on an overnight city break for a night first- premier inn it - even if it's only 10 miles from home- go out for a meal - then when you have a good time and nothing bad happens - try a 3 night caravan break etc and build it.

@Ohhhmyygoddd have you just found this out tonight?? run into town first thing in the morning and take money out of the joint account so you have enough money for the month. fill the cupboards on the credit card or cash. he can be short of money on his selfish bastarding holiday!!!

OP, he's not discussing any of this with you as he sees the money as his money, not family money so doesn't feel he has to? This tells you a lot. When you gave up work to be a SAHM, did you discuss how finances would work?

Does he pay his salary into a joint account that you have access to, so that once all bills are paid, you both have some spending money? Or is your only income your benefits? You are staying at home to enable him to work and saving your family a fortune in child care.

If you started a part time job, would he be happy to pay towards the childcare, or does he think that would be your responsibility?

You are in a very vulnerable position and I think he knows this. The situation you are in at home must be making your anxiety much worse.

Then don't.

If he cared about you it wouldn't matter

Things are likely to get worse

Do you do anything as a family?

What job did you have before?

When did your anxiety start taking over?

Does your disability prevent you working?

WHY for the love of God?

Stop feeling guilty.

Him going away and out with friends, absolutely fine, even if you don't do it yourself.
The family then being broke for the rest of the month, not ok

Not discussing plans with you when he's making them? totally unacceptable.

It's the usual advice, but I would start looking at how you can become financially independent then go from there. You should be equal partners. You also need to work on your anxiety, it shouldn't be a big deal to be single for 5 days.

It sounds pretty tiresome living with him tbh so I wouldn't worry about that!

I think I know the answer, OP, but how come you have ended up living so far away from your family and friends and support network?

How many times a year does he do this?

Be interesting to know the total amount of days.

It's probably once or twice a year abroad and probably a few weekends in London or something as well.
He's gone now, went this morning.

I became pregnant very early on in our relationship (,about a year) and we lived separately at the time but were long distance. When I became pregnant it was decided I would move to be nearest him as I would be on mat leave and he had the better paid job and we would need to live together so at the time it made sense for me move here.

No it shouldn't be a big deal and I know that. I feel quite embarrassed that I can't cope very well but thats where I am at the moment unfortunately

I was a nurse in a residential home.

I've had anxiety since I was around 17 and I'm now 32.

I could work but only part time and it would have to be desk based as I can't stand or walk for long periods of time anymore on my worst days.

Why is he going away when you cant afford it? That would piss me off.

This should be the sole priority. You need to secure housing and your future, career, finances and pension. Your boyfriend isn't bothered about you, as demonstrated by his actions and choice to want to remain legally single, so act accordingly.

Any chance of doing remote working?

Also, the pathetic old cliche of a boyfriend declaring the legal contract of marriage is 'just a piece of paper' while enjoying using a woman's labour and boosting his pension pot. If it's so meaningless to him it would be no problem to book a registrar appointment.

Find your anger OP. This man is scamming you.

The only other time I've heard of a woman changing her name to her partner's by deed poll, without him marrying her, was a story in the news where a partnered British man ran off with a Ukranian refugee staying in their house and left his girlfriend and children high and dry.

The girlfriend had changed her surname to his by deed poll years previously. Sorry to bring that story up (nothing against Ukranian refugees) but I remember on the thread people were commenting about how he let his girlfriend change her name without marrying her. It spoke volumes about his intentions.