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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner swanning off on holiday

109 replies

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 19:50

As the title says really. I have known about this for sometime but this is exactly the problem. I get told that he's is doing it things and not exactly consulted.
He's going off on a lads holiday for five days and me and DS are obviously staying at home. I was riled anyway because it's just inconsiderate, planned and booked and paid for and then I'm told he is going. To top it off it's not like we can even afford it. So we'll be skint for the rest of the month now too!

He's gone off to sleep in the spare room as he has to be up early hours and doesn't want to b woken up. I feel a bit annoyed that hes unwilling to even share a bed on the last night before he goes away. He hasn't even said bye to DS before he went to bed. We've spent the whole day pratting around trying to get everything sorted for him. I just feel like he's being selfish. But when I mention anything I'm th selfish one. I do have very severe anxiety disorder and it is made worse when I'm on my own and the thought of having five while days just be and DS fills me with dread. I'm so anxious of something bad happening and being alone, or something happening to me while he is away however I haven't voiced these concerns to him because I know he will turn it on me.

Just to add he is always going on lads trips, at least once every couple months and in between those he will hav several nights out and other days out. Am I being unreasonable to be slightly annoyed. I don't want to deny him any time with his friends but at th same time how is it fair. He doesn't think of his family he just does it jat he wants to do and sod everyone else!

OP posts:
Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:27

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2024 20:26

He works, he wants a holiday, you can't go, he goes. The alternatives are:

He never goes away.
You find a way to get to a place you can go away.

And nothing else. I love traveling. And I go both with and without DD and/or DH. If he couldn't travel because of health, I'd still do it and it would be a dealbreaker.

Could you do a better job of budgeting 'fun money' so he has holidays and you have, whatever, fancy clothes, frivolous stuff for the house? You might feel better and the money wouldn't cause resentment.

Yes I think this would be an idea. O do sometimes feel that money is no object with him and his things he wants to do but I can't even have a new rug without him whining lol

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 05/06/2024 20:29

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:16

Packing his bag, him wanting help with choosing his clothes and outfits, getting travel money, etc basically he's unorganized and then expects me to help at the last min.

Bugger all of the above.
He'll be a selfish git his whole life.

MariaVT65 · 05/06/2024 20:29

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:24

I have old friends from school but I very rarely see them as we live so far away now and have our own children etc also I feel like a burden to them sometimes.

I am/was a HCP for ten years and then DS came along and my anxiety got worse, we can't afford childcare and I developed a physical health condition and we decided it made sense for me to be a SAHM which I have been for around a year now.

I don't want him to match me, I guess I just feel like he doesn't consider me and DS when making these kind of decisions.

Edited

So when you say you want him to consider you, exactly what do you want him to do?

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:29

Scottishgirl85 · 05/06/2024 20:27

Why are you a SAHM but not married? You have made yourself financially very vulnerable. It doesn't sound like a great relationship, you really need to work in case things don't last!

Well, I wanted to marry but DH thinks it's a waste and said I can just change my name my deed poll! He says if we live each other then we don't need a piece of paper to tell us that 🙄
Yes I'm aware I'm financially very vulnerable and have felt this way for sometime.

OP posts:
Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:30

MariaVT65 · 05/06/2024 20:29

So when you say you want him to consider you, exactly what do you want him to do?

To maybe ask me? How I feel about it? Discuss the cost etc it's the principle of arranging everything and booking it paying for it and then saying "oh by the way we are off to Europe for five days on such and such"

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 05/06/2024 20:31

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:30

To maybe ask me? How I feel about it? Discuss the cost etc it's the principle of arranging everything and booking it paying for it and then saying "oh by the way we are off to Europe for five days on such and such"

ok so say you had a discussion, what is the outcome you want? For him not to go?

grungey · 05/06/2024 20:32

You say you don't see your old school friends as now you have DC you feel like you would be a burden? Could you go and see then for a weekend and leave DC? Would you feel
Comfortable with that? It may make you feel less resentful of your partner. You must try and balance things in a way that doesn't trigger your anxiety!

If he objects to him having DC on his own then he has shown his true colours.

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:34

grungey · 05/06/2024 20:32

You say you don't see your old school friends as now you have DC you feel like you would be a burden? Could you go and see then for a weekend and leave DC? Would you feel
Comfortable with that? It may make you feel less resentful of your partner. You must try and balance things in a way that doesn't trigger your anxiety!

If he objects to him having DC on his own then he has shown his true colours.

He says that he would have DS in the event of me going somewhere but I don't believe that of it came to.ot he would be too pleased about it.

OP posts:
Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:34

MariaVT65 · 05/06/2024 20:31

ok so say you had a discussion, what is the outcome you want? For him not to go?

Well no, I know I can't stop him from going. It's just the principle I suppose of not being consulted.

OP posts:
GreekVases · 05/06/2024 20:35

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:29

Well, I wanted to marry but DH thinks it's a waste and said I can just change my name my deed poll! He says if we live each other then we don't need a piece of paper to tell us that 🙄
Yes I'm aware I'm financially very vulnerable and have felt this way for sometime.

But then you had a child with him and became economically inactive anyway? You need to take some responsibility for your actions here, OP. It’s not reasonable to take steps that seriously diminish your power and then complain about having no options.

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:37

GreekVases · 05/06/2024 20:35

But then you had a child with him and became economically inactive anyway? You need to take some responsibility for your actions here, OP. It’s not reasonable to take steps that seriously diminish your power and then complain about having no options.

I honestly never even thought about this when we had DS. We didn't plan to have a child. But we did. My parents were unmarried and I've never really looked at things this way.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 05/06/2024 20:37

I'm on my own here in Majorca for 3 days at moment OP- H due out on Friday for a further 4 days - originally I was coming with a friend but that went pear shaped but as it was already in place- I've come anyway- enjoying it lots- and that's on my own!! I do know how you feel though as my ex H used to be like that and it's different mindset I think when their are children to be looked after etc- I'm now beyond that stage- best thing you can do is tell him you will be booking something for 5 days (even if by yourself in uk somewhere) and he's in charge!!

mightydolphin · 05/06/2024 20:39

I mean, he doesn't need to worry about your opinion really, does he? I'm not saying that to be mean. He's being an arse to go away quite so often if your DS is very young but he's an arse that knows you're vulnerable.

He knows you're anxious, that you have a health issue that limits your ability to work and that you're an unmarried dependant. You need him more than he needs you, and he knows it.

It's time to work on gradually shifting that power dynamic in your favour.

grungey · 05/06/2024 20:41

He says that he would have DS in the event of me going somewhere but I don't believe that of it came to.ot he would be too pleased about it

Well let him put his money where his mouth is! Try it - it will do you both good and you'll feel
Less resentful when thing are evened out. What would you feel comfortable doing? Cinema on your own? Yoga retreat? Wine tasting and nice hotel stay?

Or..... you'll find out that he's relying on your anxiety preventing you doing stuff so he can do whatever he wants, knowing you'll always be there for DC. At least then you'll know where you stand!

RomanRoysSearchHistory · 05/06/2024 20:44

Sounds as though he's got the best of all worlds here - living the single life with regular boys hols and nights out and having a "mummy" to cater for his every whim and pack, pick outfits, sort money etc before he swans off leaving you skint, anxious and looking after DC.

My son is 20 and going on a boys holiday abroad next week. He's fully capable of choosing his own outfits, packing his bag and arranging insurance/currency. Not wanting to victim-blame at all but please stop enabling this man-child from having his cake and eating it, boils my blood honestly that people will just take take take and be so selfish. He needs to grow up.

Thesunisanorange · 05/06/2024 20:44

You have a far bigger issue than a holiday. It’s the fact you’re so dependent on him and as pp mentioned you’re not married to him. Aside from the financial dependency it’s worrying that you struggle be in the house with your child without him. It’s massively unhealthy to be so dependent on someone. Personally I’d find it really suffocating to have a partner like that. I wonder if that’s why he goes on trips so often with his friends?

And as much as you’re financially vulnerable all the responsibility for finances is on him which might be weighing on him too.

Is there any work you can at least do part-time or from home so you’re not so dependent on him and you have your own stuff going on outside of the family?

The power dynamics are massively skewed in his favour.

Elieza · 05/06/2024 20:44

Sounds like he treats you like you're a live in housekeeper or mother to him.

Is that all you want from life?

Would private medical treatment help you? For example counselling or psychological services?

Because if so I'd expect that would be a better use if his money to get you for and well, able to get out and about without fear, enjoying life and potentially working again.

Rather than him just using what's supposed to be family money to treat himself to holidays.

I'd suggest you speak to him and see if that could be something you could do to enable you to have a full life. You deserve better than this half life. It's not good fir you or your child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2024 20:48

we don't need a piece of paper

He doesn't. You do.

Pleatherandlace · 05/06/2024 20:50

mightydolphin · 05/06/2024 20:39

I mean, he doesn't need to worry about your opinion really, does he? I'm not saying that to be mean. He's being an arse to go away quite so often if your DS is very young but he's an arse that knows you're vulnerable.

He knows you're anxious, that you have a health issue that limits your ability to work and that you're an unmarried dependant. You need him more than he needs you, and he knows it.

It's time to work on gradually shifting that power dynamic in your favour.

It’s this in a nut shell

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 20:54

Elieza · 05/06/2024 20:44

Sounds like he treats you like you're a live in housekeeper or mother to him.

Is that all you want from life?

Would private medical treatment help you? For example counselling or psychological services?

Because if so I'd expect that would be a better use if his money to get you for and well, able to get out and about without fear, enjoying life and potentially working again.

Rather than him just using what's supposed to be family money to treat himself to holidays.

I'd suggest you speak to him and see if that could be something you could do to enable you to have a full life. You deserve better than this half life. It's not good fir you or your child.

No I definitely want more but to be honest I'm so low in self confidence and self esteem that I wouldn't even know where to start. I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a.rut. because I don't work he thinks it's my job to do all the house things and washing and cooking and baby care (not exactly a baby hes almost 2) we can't really afford private care and even if we could he would not allowing to be spent on that. He says to me if actually had any friends then I could go and do things and he would stay home with DS but alas I have no friends and I don't have the confidence/too scared or go off on my own.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 05/06/2024 20:56

@Ohhhmyygoddd This relationship is all about him and your life is becoming all about what he wants. Please be careful x

rookiemere · 05/06/2024 20:58

He does sound selfish, but I can't imagine being married to someone and never being able to go away with them and how that would feel.

OP you really need to try again to reduce your anxiety levels. Your life sounds so restrictive and you should be able to go away as a family together.

TheHateIsNotGood · 05/06/2024 20:59

Yep, it does seem he's 'using' your anxiety to do what he likes; however you do have to put in some of your own 'effort' to get through it. Most men aren't the all-undertanding beings that many MN posters would have you believe. To support my assertion, it's only very recently that men are beginning to speak about their mental health problems, then there's centuries of cultural indoctrination to overcome; men and women.

When you have a young dc it's often better to go for a break just with them. Special times to cherish you'll find (as long as you stay off your phone). Try and contain your anxiety and book a 2-3 midweek stay that's in or near a fun place for ds, soon, before the school hols start and prices rocket.

Have a great time, don't look for reassurance from your DP, but when you get back say it would be lovely if the 3 of you can go together next time. His response will tell you all you need to know.

SheSaidHummingbird · 05/06/2024 21:08

@Ohhhmyygoddd Has your DH ever looked after your DS by himself? Would your DS even be comfortable without you being there?

Ohhhmyygoddd · 05/06/2024 21:09

SheSaidHummingbird · 05/06/2024 21:08

@Ohhhmyygoddd Has your DH ever looked after your DS by himself? Would your DS even be comfortable without you being there?

Yes he has before I quit work last year he used to and he has had for a few hours while I've been at dentist, hospital apps and such.

OP posts: