Partner swanning off on holiday

[Ohhhmyygoddd]

As the title says really. I have known about this for sometime but this is exactly the problem. I get told that he's is doing it things and not exactly consulted.
He's going off on a lads holiday for five days and me and DS are obviously staying at home. I was riled anyway because it's just inconsiderate, planned and booked and paid for and then I'm told he is going. To top it off it's not like we can even afford it. So we'll be skint for the rest of the month now too!

He's gone off to sleep in the spare room as he has to be up early hours and doesn't want to b woken up. I feel a bit annoyed that hes unwilling to even share a bed on the last night before he goes away. He hasn't even said bye to DS before he went to bed. We've spent the whole day pratting around trying to get everything sorted for him. I just feel like he's being selfish. But when I mention anything I'm th selfish one. I do have very severe anxiety disorder and it is made worse when I'm on my own and the thought of having five while days just be and DS fills me with dread. I'm so anxious of something bad happening and being alone, or something happening to me while he is away however I haven't voiced these concerns to him because I know he will turn it on me.

Just to add he is always going on lads trips, at least once every couple months and in between those he will hav several nights out and other days out. Am I being unreasonable to be slightly annoyed. I don't want to deny him any time with his friends but at th same time how is it fair. He doesn't think of his family he just does it jat he wants to do and sod everyone else!

From your updates it does sound like you were thrown together as a couple because of your DS. How old is he now ?

Honestly you might be better going back to your own home town and resettling there, as this set up doesn't seem very healthy for you.

This. He is perfectly happy to do all the decision making without so much as a consideration for you but not to sort the rest out. Let him get on with it and if he forgets something etc. then his issue. I am not against anyone having time out but I can bet this is not equally reciprocated and not to the extent it sounds like he is going away and leaving it all to you is not on. He is also perfectly happy to leave the rest of the family without or struggling financially so he can go away, to his benefit only - utterly selfish. He is an adult with responsibilities acting like a child and wants to live life as if he is single. Why are you putting up with this?!

To be honest the first thought I have when reading posts like this is the reason these men get away with it is because they’re always allowed to get away with it.

You are letting him walk over you, why is a father and husband going away on lads trips every 2 months? He is acting single and no commitments.

Even weirder imo that he didn’t say goodbye to DS or want to sleep in same bed as you last night.

Whole thing sounds dodgy. Don’t want to be one of them people that jump to conclusions on people I don’t know but I’d be wary he was faithful as well tbh

From your updates I will be honest again and say it seems like he’s taking advantage of your anxiety and mental health and knows you won’t stand up for yourself or put your foot down.

Sorry you’re struggling. I found counselling and exposure therapy helped x

This- you should have left him to it. It isn’t your job to facilitate his jollies, especially when you’re getting no benefit from them.

My ex was like this. He wasn't committed and lived the life of a single man. His catchphrase was, 'like it or lump it.' He went on a lad's holiday when DD was 5 weeks old. Reeled out the catchphrase. I lumped it. That was over a decade ago and he hasn't changed one bit for his other partners and children. He's been on/off with the mother of his other children for years now and I feel awful for her but at the same time he won't change and doesn't hide who he is. She keeps taking him back. It's sad.

100 %

OK, you’re in a really bad situation and you really need to focus on improving your life. Don’t be passive about this, set yourself some goals and work towards them. Firstly I’d suggest some therapy, if you can’t afford it, go to your GP and see if you can get referred, there’s likely to be a long waiting list, but at least you will have got the ball rolling. Next, you need a job and some independence. Whose house are you living in? Is it in both your names? You need a secure home, you cannot live with him in a house that only has his name to it. You also need to start going out more, I know that’s hard when you have anxiety, I really do, but staying home is not going to make you any better, to get better you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone, desensitise yourself. So think about something you would like to do, even if it’s just to go to a coffee shop and then a little wonder around a park or the shops, and then do it, leave him with your toddler.

Dont let this man treat you like a skivvy, the more you disrespect yourself by behaving like one, the more he will start to actually believe this is your role in life, to come second to him, and you’re worth more than that.

I’m going away for 5 days next week and leaving DH with the kids :) :) :) difference is we’re supportive of each other and communicate eg he has to take annual leave so I can go. He went away for a week in April. Should be mutual OP!

Did you give your son his surname too, even though he won’t marry you?

Don't feel embarrassed. We all have idiosyncrasies. This is one of yours

I think your partner should let you know when he's going away

Imo it's very rude that he doesn't

Also - if as a family you are short of money, it's very unfair that he uses finite resources on his boys' jollies without discussing it with you

Are you on sertraline or something like it? If not, see the GP. If you are , see the GP about your dosage. Perhaps it needs increasing

Ask the GP to refer you for CBT because your anxiety is limiting your life

Don't be so passive with your partner. You're not a doormat

Hugs 🥰🥰

I feel a little desperate for you, sweetheart. Whether he meant to do it at the start or not, he has you isolated and dependent on him emotionally and financially.
You cannot expect any help from him, he sees you as his support and himself as the kingpin.
If this is not to be the rest of your life, you have to find a way to support yourself. Financially and emotionally. See your GP first. Can you move back home, is there family who can support you? If not this might have to be a long term plan. Obviously, don't let him know what you are planning.

He shouldn’t be assuming you will be the default parent.

he shouldn’t be spending money the household can’t afford.

he hasn’t stopped acting like he is single. He just let you and the child move into the house. You have very little leverage in this situation. You need to go back to work. Even if the net change in household income is negligible, it will give you power in the relationship.

I’m sorry but I would have straight refused to help him with anything. If he wants to be a big boy and go on holiday with the lads he can bloody well sort his own shit out. Honestly why are you enabling this?? Let him go but don’t do anything for him.

Caution against advising OP to move away, as it's the parent who moved who has to transport the child for contact with the other parent. Plus the boyfriend could get an order to prevent his child being moved away.

Is he though? I think it's worth seeing this from the OP's BF's POV. And I'm not normally that person...

I met this woman and we were dating long-distance for a year, which worked for me because I'm pretty independent and like travel and going away with friends. She fell pregnant so I did the right thing and offered for her to come and live with me. As soon as she had the baby, she got anxious and became too ill to work. So I support them both, all she gets is her phone. She isn't looking for work, has DS to look after but he's OK. All I want is a few days away to destress. I am the only worker, I didn't choose this situation, I can't express any of this to her because she's so anxious. She wants to marry but honestly, we're together because she got pregnant and I'm concerned about tying myself to her forever. Obviously my son will always be my son. I can't cope with any of this without breaks away. We're a bit skint but not on the bones of our arse and I need this. OH doesn't have any bills, just her phone and she has an income.

I've filled in the emotional pieces obviously. OP I think you should plan for this relationship not to last. It's happened to you both, you didn't really choose it.

I can say very sincerely that I’d rather put shit in my eye than pack my husbands’ bag and do all of that so he could go on a lads holiday. He’s a grown man OP, not a toddler. If he can go on a lads’ holiday, he can do those things!

"Packing his bag, him wanting help with choosing his clothes and outfits, getting travel money, etc basically he's unorganized and then expects me to help at the last min."

But that’s your choice, OP. His holiday, his organisational issue. I mean, you’re not going to be the one without clean underwear on day 3, are you?

@Ohhhmyygoddd totally agree 😮 if it was me I'd say, sort it out yourself. 100 percent. Every single time.

Doesn't a "family man" have the right to his own life anymore?
As a child free woman, it's a genuine question.
Thanks goodness I'm not saddled with this responsibility and these "morals" that seem to come with it.

Meh, I'm not particularly interested in the boyfriend. He is using OP as default parent and refusing to give her legal protections. However, she is also choosing to be dependent on this man and vulnerable. Hopefully she can sort out security for her future.

More fool you for doing it. Is he really that useless? He managed to book a holiday and arrange leave from work all by himself didn't he?

I think you both make valid points.

I feel if OPs boyfriend wasn’t there she would surely have to find a way to survive without him. She needs to start working towards that and not be so dependent.

I don’t see anything wrong with him going away tbh. My DH did quite a bit when my dds were young. However, he never just booked it and told me afterwards.

Now my dds are older I please myself a lot more. I’ve just came back from 2 weeks in Greece. Have another girls holiday booked for September. I also go for weekends away, sometimes with my dds. I must admit, I have booked things and told him afterwards. Maybe I’m unreasonable lol.

Surely you know that most families are not like the OPs. No need to feel sorry for those of us with children. I have been going away on girls' holidays since my DC were 7 months old and off the breast, leaving them with my DH. Despite being saddled with responsibility, as you put it! We don't pack for each other, either.

OP, there is a lot wrong here, but only you can change it by going out more through exposure therapy, CBT, whatever it takes. If you never leave the house, it's bound to be very suffocating for a partner. Nevertheless, he shouldn;t be leaving you skint or going without telling you. But I have lived with an anxious family member, and honestly, one just wants to flee sometimes.

So, by that account, he really hasn't looked after them by himself at all, barring a couple of times?

He sounds very selfish.