more finicial help for single parents?

[blarneebeekeeper]

Im a single parent. I have 3 (expensive) teenagers. I work full time hours, and extra shifts, as an NHS nurse. I love my job but im on the lowest band as a nurse, and not able to apply for better paid jobs as of yet due to not having as much experience in my area that is required in a very competitive speciality. Hopefully in the future, for now though i average 50 hours a week working to earn enough to support effectively 4 adult sized people. Although i have an open claim for universal credit, i often get 0 in a month, at most i get £100 if my shifts have been mostly week days, not nights and weekends.

I have friends in similar positions, however they also have an ex who shares care, and assists financially. My ex husband doesn't. He hasn't seen (completely his choice, he disappeared and hasn't been heard from since 2016 now) or paid towards my children in 10 years. I have gone through CMS, i have applied for the deductions from his pay so many times n the past 10 years, however he changes jobs regularly, and every time he changes jobs it restarts the whole system, my account on CMS states he owes thousands, which i will never see. The only times i have gotten anything is when he is on benefits, which is £29 a month for 3 teenagers, and that happened a handful of times before he vanishes and i have to start the whole nightmare again. So in recent years ive basically given up fighting them, CMS dont actively pursue anything, there's no consequence for him not supporting his children, im just fighting a loosing battle i dont have the energy for.

When we separated i also had to sell the house we owned, ive not been able to buy again as i cant save a deposit whilst single handedly raising 3 children, so i have high rent to pay, plus other outgoings, i have zero savings, i even gave up my car as it was costing so much to run. My children have what they need but very few luxuries. As i dont get UC im not entitled to any other help.

Today we have had a letter about a 3 day residential trip for one of my children, this trip is partly confidence building/team work activities, but mostly maths and English language revision sessions for GCSEs they are sitting next year. They want just under £300 by the end of the school year, i absolutely cannot do this, and theres no help through the school to be able to allow my child to go.

I understand my wage is above average for the UK (around £40k including my extra shifts), but alot of times this average is in a dual income household, or, topped up by the non resident partner, which is then disregarded by UC, which is also then added to the household income. I have friends who work just their standard 37.5 hour weeks, but then get the UC top up and the CMS money off their ex's. Resulting in a much higher household income.

Do you think that UC should take into account this CMS income? or if a person is truly raising kids alone, with zero help physically or financially, despite trying every possible avenue to make the father support their children, UC rates should change? Or make a system whereby school events that directly benefit education can be subsidised for children who cant afford it despite the parents best efforts which isnt solely based on FSM entitlement? I work hard, i get virtually nothing off the government in way of assistance, but my children are still missing out on things that will impact their education if 90% of the year group is getting this 3 days of dedicated revision time for maths and english.

It's a shame there's no help through the school. I'm from a low income family, school and college always halved the cost for me.

I would suggest speaking to the Headteacher.

How long have you worked as a nurse?

The school may have a discretionary fund for the residential, especially if your DC would particularly benefit from additional revision work and focus on confidence building. It’s always worth asking.

Ultimately with benefits there has to be a cut off point somewhere, and whatever that is, the people just outside it will feel it’s unfair to them for various reasons. Child maintenance did used to be included in benefit calculations but was changed as unreliable payment would leave parents relying on it up shit creek.

I think any extra help would be given through the UC system so you wouldn't benefit. You are in a better position than many as you have teens so no childcare costs and are able to work nights and weekends. If the dcs are that old they should be encouraged to find jobs to help support the household. I grew up poor and I got my first job at 14 which went mostly towards household costs.

Can you ask the school?
Sometimes the pTA have funds?
Or the council, I think mine can offer grants?
If none of the above Is there a way you can ask the school for a payment plan (I know not ideal as it's still money you don't have) maybe the teens could fundraiser over the summer (washing cars/mowing neighbours lawns/walking dogs/feeding cats) to help contribute?

Grandparents? Could be an early birthday present?

It's such an important learning experience and these school events are so one off and part of the experience of being a youngster, be so good if you could find a way.

Good luck!

Should women be punished for getting regular maintenance? Absolutely not. How many would switch to cash in hand payments etc? The whole point of not including maintenance is because it can't be court enforced. A man can come out of work/hide income etc and just not pay it. Your proposal would increase child poverty. We should force non resident parents to contribute. Perhaps national service/voluntary work or those?

I have friends who work just their standard 37.5 hour weeks, but then get the UC top up and the CMS money off their ex's. Resulting in a much higher household income.

You're right - this really isn't a fair system and I don't understand why it can't be fixed to be more fair.

Another thing I don't understand is how toothless the CMS is. Why can't a claim against an absent parent be linked to their NI number so that whatever job they take or benefits they claim it is clear that this person has X number of DC that they are legally responsible to provide for? Why is it the responsibility of the parent who's been left to care for the DC to chase the absent one?

We've put probes on Mars, we have self-driving cars and trucks, we have passports that contain biometric information, so how is it so complicated to make absent parents pay to raise their own DC?

I think single parent's should get more help yeah

I hear you OP. Raising two teenagers to
adulthood (one still at university) with no family help, and an ex who paid a pittance in maintenance has left me up to my eyeballs in debt, and really struggling. No chance of ever buying a house, working every hour I can (2 jobs) and still not having enough to cover my outgoings and debt repayments, I don’t see any way out of this.

If we are going to count CM towards Universal Credit, the only fair way to do it would be for the state to pay the RP the money, then claim it back off the NRP. With enforcement the same as for unpaid taxes. For some reason this hasn't been done and they had to stop taking CM into account for benefits because so many NR parents didn't pay and as you've seen it can be difficult to get them to pay.

I have done 10 years though with younger children having to pay out for childcare, my youngest was only 4 when we split, so whilst im in a "better position" now theoretically, i had more help back when i required the childcare, now i have no help, but the costs associated with the kids are higher, clothing, food shopping, technology, socialising, days out, school events etc etc everything is adult priced, so whilst i dont have childcare, my out goings are much higher for their daily living.

I have approached the school, as we dont get FSM, theres no help, the deadline is mid july, no budging, and i dont have family that could just stump up that money, in my family im a high earner and the only one with degree level education so seen to be doing well for myself, even though im just treading water.

I do agree with not punishing women/lone parents further, its just a very frustrating system when a parent can fully chose to opt out of responsibility with no consequences, and its the resident's parents role to ensure the children dont suffer, but the end up suffering despite doing you absolute best for them

Are you asking for more help from UC and a more robust CM service, or are you asking that other women are punished for having a higher household income because they earn less and have cooperative exes?

Have you checked if you would be better off working your standard hours, as you say you are sometimes entitled to UC if your OT hours do not include nights and weekends? How much difference would that make?

Speak to the school regarding the revision course and hopefully they can assist with getting your son on.

I hope things get easier soon as it’s a harsh time with rents and everything else costing extortionate amounts 💐.

Why would you want child support to be incorporated into benefit entitlements ?

The big issue here is the lack of consequence for the NRP paying child maintenance and I think that the only way this will change is if there are strict laws surrounding this.
My mother was in a similar situation when I was growing up and to be honest I started working at aged 12 alongside school- I didnt contribute to bills but I did pay for all of my own clothing, shoes, driving lessons, phone bills etc. My mother paid for our home, food and school stuff. It's not a 'fair' solution by any stretch but without me working I wouldn't have had any 'luxuries' at all.

I think what im asking is CMS be recognised by UC, not deducted, but acknowledged, and those who have children, no no financial support and 100% custody, get further support, which could be in the form of subsidised schooling events so these children dont miss out on experiences and education.

it's incredibly difficult and I know where you're coming from - living it myself right now!

However, the current system of disregarding maintenance is probably as good as it's going to get. The issue would be cash payments exchanging hands between separated couples which would be hard to trace (although perhaps not impossible, particularly given the point that the DWP being able to look more closely at bank accounts).

I do wonder if lone adult households shouldn't be given a higher threshold for receipt of benefits generally. I think things are financially tough right now and the system is easier on 2 adults who are able to work around each other.

The problem is their deadbeat dad. I would like to see more robust systems for chasing down absent parents. I know that's not your fault or your kids but you earn decent money, it's him who needs to contribute not the state.

The thing is there are two parent families who also couldn't afford a £300 trip. It's shite but it is what it is.

2 parent families have the opportunity to bring in much more money though. When my children were little i worked all nights whilst my ex worked days so we had no childcare. My job was slightly above min wage as a health care. When we split i went to college and uni to better our situation, whilst doing my 36 hours as a student nurse unpaid, i worked more paid shifts to manage and shared childcare with a fellow student in a similar position as the childcare support only helped with my uni hours, not paid shifts. I did what i could to improve our lives, i graduated uni during the pandemic and i am extremely proud of what i have done for myself and my children, but, im always going to be one person, not two who always have the option to be atleast double my income.

I agree, in an ideal world he would share not only the financial needs of my children, but the physical care too, 10 years without anyone to share the mental load of 3 children is a lot too. But unfortunately that isnt an option either, as we, as a society, allow and accept people opting out of parenting, so its not something that causes enough public outrage for the government to care enough to even consider changing the system.

I know this doesn't help your situation but could your teenagers take on some odd jobs? My daughter had 2 residential trips, one in P6 and P7, she paid for both herself doing different jobs: pet sitting for friends when they went on holiday, sold jars of jam made from brambles we collected, saved Christmas and bday money.we could have totally covered the trips, but I am so proud that she did that and it gave her a great sense of accomplishment.

Speak to the head teacher. It sounds very unfair if it’s to help towards GCSEs.

There are educational trusts and charities that might be able to help. I’m sure there’s one for those in health care or dependents of.

No, I don't think CMS should be recognised by UC, and I am a lone parent with an uninvolved ex. They tried that before and it didn't work.

Ultimately CMS is to benefit the children, it shouldn't be means tested.

I wouldn't put any energy into the UC /CMS question it won't lead to any results. Your actual issue is that your children cannot go on the trip they would benefit from and I would focus on fixing that as it's in your control.

Have you actually approached the school and laid out the scenario? Talking directly to your child's pastoral worker is the first step.

If your children want to go on expensive trips and have luxuries have they enquired about cafe, hairdresser, paper round, baby sitting, cleaning cars, washing up work? If your youngest is now 14 they are all almost old enough for weekend work

I absolutely hear you, OP. The way single parents are treated in this country is a disgrace. So many people here are suggesting the teens should be working, which is outrageous, as well as unrealistic as it's near enough impossible for under 18s to get work now, never mind under 16s. And why should they? Their parents should be supporting them and if one of them won't then, yes, the state should step in.

I don't think CMS should be factored in to UC payments, but I do think it should be recognised if you don't get any and higher awards made. This should also be recognised in the tax system, as it is in other countries, while here we reward people for being married and thereby make life harder for those raising children alone, as if it isn't hard enough already! What a joke.

As for the school running a revision residential/readiness for GCSEs thing that costs £300, that's also disgusting and very ill-considered, unless you are in a very wealthy area I suppose. They absolutely should not be excluding anyone from this event on cost grounds. I'm a teacher and one year we did an event like this and it was fully paid for by the school as we are in a deprived area and, though many could have paid, it was laid on for the students and we didn't want anyone excluded. It's one thing doing expensive ski trips that some can't afford, but this is something else entirely and I would be writing to the head and then the governors if they just said 'tough'. It's not good enough.

I really hope you get somewhere with it, and good luck - you sound like you are doing an amazing job for your three kids.

OP, all of your children are old enough for little part time weekend jobs.

Given your circumstances I would...

1. approach the head teacher
2. approach the PTA
3. ask your children to help out - birthday money/savings?
4. put it on a credit card if you have that option, and then ask the child, whose trip it is, to find a little weekend job and pay you back.

I'm a single mum and ds is already saving for his A'level trip next year.