Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

more finicial help for single parents?

112 replies

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 11:22

Im a single parent. I have 3 (expensive) teenagers. I work full time hours, and extra shifts, as an NHS nurse. I love my job but im on the lowest band as a nurse, and not able to apply for better paid jobs as of yet due to not having as much experience in my area that is required in a very competitive speciality. Hopefully in the future, for now though i average 50 hours a week working to earn enough to support effectively 4 adult sized people. Although i have an open claim for universal credit, i often get 0 in a month, at most i get £100 if my shifts have been mostly week days, not nights and weekends.

I have friends in similar positions, however they also have an ex who shares care, and assists financially. My ex husband doesn't. He hasn't seen (completely his choice, he disappeared and hasn't been heard from since 2016 now) or paid towards my children in 10 years. I have gone through CMS, i have applied for the deductions from his pay so many times n the past 10 years, however he changes jobs regularly, and every time he changes jobs it restarts the whole system, my account on CMS states he owes thousands, which i will never see. The only times i have gotten anything is when he is on benefits, which is £29 a month for 3 teenagers, and that happened a handful of times before he vanishes and i have to start the whole nightmare again. So in recent years ive basically given up fighting them, CMS dont actively pursue anything, there's no consequence for him not supporting his children, im just fighting a loosing battle i dont have the energy for.

When we separated i also had to sell the house we owned, ive not been able to buy again as i cant save a deposit whilst single handedly raising 3 children, so i have high rent to pay, plus other outgoings, i have zero savings, i even gave up my car as it was costing so much to run. My children have what they need but very few luxuries. As i dont get UC im not entitled to any other help.

Today we have had a letter about a 3 day residential trip for one of my children, this trip is partly confidence building/team work activities, but mostly maths and English language revision sessions for GCSEs they are sitting next year. They want just under £300 by the end of the school year, i absolutely cannot do this, and theres no help through the school to be able to allow my child to go.

I understand my wage is above average for the UK (around £40k including my extra shifts), but alot of times this average is in a dual income household, or, topped up by the non resident partner, which is then disregarded by UC, which is also then added to the household income. I have friends who work just their standard 37.5 hour weeks, but then get the UC top up and the CMS money off their ex's. Resulting in a much higher household income.

Do you think that UC should take into account this CMS income? or if a person is truly raising kids alone, with zero help physically or financially, despite trying every possible avenue to make the father support their children, UC rates should change? Or make a system whereby school events that directly benefit education can be subsidised for children who cant afford it despite the parents best efforts which isnt solely based on FSM entitlement? I work hard, i get virtually nothing off the government in way of assistance, but my children are still missing out on things that will impact their education if 90% of the year group is getting this 3 days of dedicated revision time for maths and english.

OP posts:
blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:02

My eldest works around studies for his own luxuries, not to support me and his siblings, my middle and youngest i would rather them focus on schooling and up coming exams instead of having to work just to have access to something they shouldnt have to pay for themselves. We also dont live near anywhere they could get a job really, one has their name down for a paper round but its been down for 2 years now and nothing despite them asking on a monthly basis, and as i said previously, i ended up having to sell my car as it was a luxury i could no longer afford so them looking further out isnt doable. I have approached the school, and as we arent entitled the FSM theres no available help and my child will miss the trip unless i pay by mid july. Credit card isnt an option either.

Questioning whether there should be more assistance for children in situations like ours, where on paper income is decent, but when that income is supporting 4 adult sized people, it does not go far enough in todays climate. I feel sad for my children missing out when i work hard, they saw me go through uni, working every spare hour i could, ploughing hours into assignments to get the best possible grades, with the promise of it being worth it eventually when we will have more, when the reality is they havent.

OP posts:
cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:06

what are your children earning?

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:08

cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:06

what are your children earning?

They are children, they are earning their education and time with their friends to be kids. My eldest earns enough for his phone, BMX parts, and branded clothes he wants that i cant get him, my 2 in school are just that, in school.

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 04/06/2024 20:10

iamreallyabee · 04/06/2024 12:17

I think single parent's should get more help yeah

I think all parents should get extra help!!

cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:11

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:08

They are children, they are earning their education and time with their friends to be kids. My eldest earns enough for his phone, BMX parts, and branded clothes he wants that i cant get him, my 2 in school are just that, in school.

You said they were teens. Teens can get weekend jobs, evening jobs, casual work, etc. If they want to go on a school trip their parents can't afford, surely that is the go-to solution?

NoSquirrels · 04/06/2024 20:12

I’m really sorry for the situation you’re in, and I agree one wage of £40K is not enough to support you and 3 teens. It’s also shit the school can’t help about this upcoming trip - they should be considering the cost of living crisis for all families and not relying on FSM as the only marker of identifying poorer students. You could legitimately raise that to the SLT or governors via a parent feedback. They should at the very least be able to offer you a payment plan.

However, I would vote strongly and loudly against any party who wanted to tie CMS to available income for UC. It would only make things worse, not better.

entiawest · 04/06/2024 20:13

There should be far more robust processes for deducting the money from the NRP. That's the root of the problem. There are still two living parents as capable of earning a living as two parents who are still together. That's the real issue - the dead beat dads who have kids and then expect the state (ie other people who didn't choose to have those kids) to finance them

Despair1 · 04/06/2024 20:16

I think the whole benefits system needs reviewing. I know single parents who work no more than 16 hours a week and claim UC and all that additional support that comes with that (reduced council tax/housing benefit/free school dinners/support payments etc/) and have a comfortable lifestyle. I also know people (inc single parents)like OP who are working full time and effectively worse off than those who don't work or work up to 16 hours to retain their benefits. It would appear that at times, those working full time or more are disadvantaged by the fact that they are working max hours to support their families!

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:16

cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:11

You said they were teens. Teens can get weekend jobs, evening jobs, casual work, etc. If they want to go on a school trip their parents can't afford, surely that is the go-to solution?

And i said there isnt really that option locally. I had to sell my car to get by each month so transporting them into the town isnt an option. I also want them to focus on their education and time being a teenager not have to work for the same opportunities as others their age that directly impact their education with it being predominately a revision based trip for core subjects. One has had their name down for a paper round since 14 and hasnt been offered one. And parent. They have one parent, not two. Through no fault of their own, or mine i might add, so they are disadvantaged because there isnt an option for 2 incomes coming into their household, i feel school events should have some kind of subsidy that takes this into consideration, and despite approaching the school, this isnt an option for us. I

OP posts:
Hinkuy · 04/06/2024 20:17

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:02

My eldest works around studies for his own luxuries, not to support me and his siblings, my middle and youngest i would rather them focus on schooling and up coming exams instead of having to work just to have access to something they shouldnt have to pay for themselves. We also dont live near anywhere they could get a job really, one has their name down for a paper round but its been down for 2 years now and nothing despite them asking on a monthly basis, and as i said previously, i ended up having to sell my car as it was a luxury i could no longer afford so them looking further out isnt doable. I have approached the school, and as we arent entitled the FSM theres no available help and my child will miss the trip unless i pay by mid july. Credit card isnt an option either.

Questioning whether there should be more assistance for children in situations like ours, where on paper income is decent, but when that income is supporting 4 adult sized people, it does not go far enough in todays climate. I feel sad for my children missing out when i work hard, they saw me go through uni, working every spare hour i could, ploughing hours into assignments to get the best possible grades, with the promise of it being worth it eventually when we will have more, when the reality is they havent.

Why is credit card not an option? Or some other form of debt you could reasonably pay back fairly quickly without any/much interest? I'm sure your eldest would give up a few bits of branded clothing to help you out too.

Have you worked out if you'd be better off doing less overtime and claiming more UC?

Miley1967 · 04/06/2024 20:22

Uc is pretty generous for working parents although I appreciate it's harder if rent element doesn't cover rent as is often the case with private rent. It's the issue of CM not being enforced which really needs to be addressed.

cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:23

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:16

And i said there isnt really that option locally. I had to sell my car to get by each month so transporting them into the town isnt an option. I also want them to focus on their education and time being a teenager not have to work for the same opportunities as others their age that directly impact their education with it being predominately a revision based trip for core subjects. One has had their name down for a paper round since 14 and hasnt been offered one. And parent. They have one parent, not two. Through no fault of their own, or mine i might add, so they are disadvantaged because there isnt an option for 2 incomes coming into their household, i feel school events should have some kind of subsidy that takes this into consideration, and despite approaching the school, this isnt an option for us. I

not have to work for the same opportunities as others their age

I think you'll find it is completely normal to work for your opportunities at this age. Some might not need to, but plenty do. So yours are not particularly unusual

a revision based trip for core subjects.

sorry, this just makes no sense - you don't need to go away to revise your core subjects

they are disadvantaged because there isnt an option for 2 incomes coming into their household,

They are not disadvantaged, you are earning far more than I was as a single parent to teens - mine were not disadvantaged either.

i feel school events should have some kind of subsidy that takes this into consideration,

well, they do, so this clearly is not a n appropriate trip for asking for a subsidy for..

I think you've got a real bee in your bonnet about your children being somehow deprived or disadvantaged. They are not. With your income, they will easily be among the top 10% most privileged teens in the world.

wutheringkites · 04/06/2024 20:27

I think the maintenance system needs reform - non payment should be treated the same as non payment of tax.

The issue with changing the benefits system is that many women just wouldn't bother to claim maintenance if the same support can be claimed through UC - much easier to deal with DWP than an unpleasant/ abusive ex.

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:28

Hinkuy · 04/06/2024 20:17

Why is credit card not an option? Or some other form of debt you could reasonably pay back fairly quickly without any/much interest? I'm sure your eldest would give up a few bits of branded clothing to help you out too.

Have you worked out if you'd be better off doing less overtime and claiming more UC?

I already have debt from when i was a student, i dont have access to a credit card.

Im about £100 a month better off working the hours i do, with how universal credit works it deducts £55 from your award for every £100 you earn. And even just my basic hours earns over the threshold for any additional benefits from UC So dropping shifts wouldnt make me better off if that makes sense. On months i have annual leave or dont pick up as many extras or my shifts are all basic not enhanced, and get a small amount of UC, im definitely worse off and feel it even more.

OP posts:
RedFence · 04/06/2024 20:30

OP, I can really sense the unfairness of your situation. I'm a single parent too, and although I receive CM, it's very low and hasn't changed in 8 years. I actually found the period of my sons in childcare cheaper than now, partly due to the cost of living now, but also as they get older, no more clothes from Sainsburys or Tesco, much less free days out options, they eat EVERYTHING, their various clubs, taxi runs etc.

I don't think CM should be included in UC claims...I think, understandably, your frustration is misplaced...if you hadn't had to fight such a huge battle for the shitty amount of CM you've had, but instead received a representative amount and support, I don't think you'd feel this way.

I think The US has a system linked to NI equivalent, I think it is enforced like a tax.

I wish the CMS had backbone and decision making powers. I think the current set up is awful and directly negatively impacts woman and children.

I'm so sorry you're still fighting. It won't be like this forever, things will get better.

You could check the benefits calculators, as they also list grants you can access. I was going to apply for a grant offered to Master Degree Holders, there may be NHS/nursing graduate ones available.

Also, sometimes, it's maybe worth dropping a few hours a week at work, the tax/NI and UC may mean you barely notice. That happened to me too.

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:35

cannonballz · 04/06/2024 20:23

not have to work for the same opportunities as others their age

I think you'll find it is completely normal to work for your opportunities at this age. Some might not need to, but plenty do. So yours are not particularly unusual

a revision based trip for core subjects.

sorry, this just makes no sense - you don't need to go away to revise your core subjects

they are disadvantaged because there isnt an option for 2 incomes coming into their household,

They are not disadvantaged, you are earning far more than I was as a single parent to teens - mine were not disadvantaged either.

i feel school events should have some kind of subsidy that takes this into consideration,

well, they do, so this clearly is not a n appropriate trip for asking for a subsidy for..

I think you've got a real bee in your bonnet about your children being somehow deprived or disadvantaged. They are not. With your income, they will easily be among the top 10% most privileged teens in the world.

Ok. Thanks for your input. Its been enlightening.

OP posts:
Hinkuy · 04/06/2024 20:36

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:28

I already have debt from when i was a student, i dont have access to a credit card.

Im about £100 a month better off working the hours i do, with how universal credit works it deducts £55 from your award for every £100 you earn. And even just my basic hours earns over the threshold for any additional benefits from UC So dropping shifts wouldnt make me better off if that makes sense. On months i have annual leave or dont pick up as many extras or my shifts are all basic not enhanced, and get a small amount of UC, im definitely worse off and feel it even more.

What do you mean about debt from when you were a student and no access to a credit card? Are you in an IVA or bankruptcy etc? Have you got some sound financial advice even via step change or citizens advice etc?

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 20:37

RedFence · 04/06/2024 20:30

OP, I can really sense the unfairness of your situation. I'm a single parent too, and although I receive CM, it's very low and hasn't changed in 8 years. I actually found the period of my sons in childcare cheaper than now, partly due to the cost of living now, but also as they get older, no more clothes from Sainsburys or Tesco, much less free days out options, they eat EVERYTHING, their various clubs, taxi runs etc.

I don't think CM should be included in UC claims...I think, understandably, your frustration is misplaced...if you hadn't had to fight such a huge battle for the shitty amount of CM you've had, but instead received a representative amount and support, I don't think you'd feel this way.

I think The US has a system linked to NI equivalent, I think it is enforced like a tax.

I wish the CMS had backbone and decision making powers. I think the current set up is awful and directly negatively impacts woman and children.

I'm so sorry you're still fighting. It won't be like this forever, things will get better.

You could check the benefits calculators, as they also list grants you can access. I was going to apply for a grant offered to Master Degree Holders, there may be NHS/nursing graduate ones available.

Also, sometimes, it's maybe worth dropping a few hours a week at work, the tax/NI and UC may mean you barely notice. That happened to me too.

Exactly. I think its thought once they are out of the childcare era, it gets better, but their actual costs go up, and you dont get extra support with that.

It is 100% a CMS issue, i agree, however, theres no chance of any kind of reform in that area, so i was musing about alternatives that could help even the balance for kids like mine. That didnt involve me upping my hours to 63 for a few weeks to pay for the trip. Which is currently my only real plan.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/06/2024 20:41

How old is your eldest, OP? Are they still studying or are they working full time? If so do they pay board? It’s not unfair to ask them to do so, if they don’t. As you say, you can’t really support 4 adult people on one wage.

What general geographic area are you? There are often small charities who can sometimes assist if you Google.

And will school definitely not lower the deposit amount in order to secure DC’s place and set up a payment plan?

Danikm151 · 04/06/2024 20:41

The threshold for free school meals/ pupil premium is so low now that only parents working minimal hours get it. It’s around £7000?
yet UC expects a single parent with a school aged child to be working over 30 hours per week.

people forget that 2 income households are always going to be better off as the costs are shared.

pinotnow · 04/06/2024 20:42

God this thread really is a race to the bottom:

Why doesn't OP just get into debt?
Why don't the 14 year olds just get jobs?
Why doesn't the eldest child just starting out in life pay towards his/her younger siblings?

No. Why doesn't the state do something about non-paying parents and if not, step in itself, and why doesn't a headteacher have more sense and decency than to organise a GCSE prep event that costs £300!

RedFence · 04/06/2024 20:45

OP please try benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

I can't be 100% sure, but I think this is the calculater which has grant info at the end.

Also, just in solidarity for CMS claims, I tried to do this once, about 5 years ago...he stormed up to my car, got in right into my face, threatened me, then slammed my car door very hard. It's not just the applying and the slow drip of letters from CMS, it can be dangerous to even apply. I have never done it again.

entiawest · 04/06/2024 20:46

A race to the bottom is blaming a headteacher for organising something which clearly isn't compulsory (English and maths revision can be done at home) and which is actually less than £100 per night and which no doubt teachers are doing unpaid !

TheHornedOne · 04/06/2024 20:48

Your 40k income is more than many dual-parent families income, YABVU

But of course the non-resident parents issue should not exist and CMS should have more powers.

I suspect you could have had a much better standard of living elsewhere in the country with your NHS nursing career, but you likely chose to stay where you are.

Overthebow · 04/06/2024 20:52

No, benefits shouldn’t be upped, this is not for the public to pay for. This is a CMS issue, I would support a reform of that. I would also support benefits taking CMS into account, but mainly to stop people getting benefits whilst receiving hundreds in extra money.