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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

more finicial help for single parents?

112 replies

blarneebeekeeper · 04/06/2024 11:22

Im a single parent. I have 3 (expensive) teenagers. I work full time hours, and extra shifts, as an NHS nurse. I love my job but im on the lowest band as a nurse, and not able to apply for better paid jobs as of yet due to not having as much experience in my area that is required in a very competitive speciality. Hopefully in the future, for now though i average 50 hours a week working to earn enough to support effectively 4 adult sized people. Although i have an open claim for universal credit, i often get 0 in a month, at most i get £100 if my shifts have been mostly week days, not nights and weekends.

I have friends in similar positions, however they also have an ex who shares care, and assists financially. My ex husband doesn't. He hasn't seen (completely his choice, he disappeared and hasn't been heard from since 2016 now) or paid towards my children in 10 years. I have gone through CMS, i have applied for the deductions from his pay so many times n the past 10 years, however he changes jobs regularly, and every time he changes jobs it restarts the whole system, my account on CMS states he owes thousands, which i will never see. The only times i have gotten anything is when he is on benefits, which is £29 a month for 3 teenagers, and that happened a handful of times before he vanishes and i have to start the whole nightmare again. So in recent years ive basically given up fighting them, CMS dont actively pursue anything, there's no consequence for him not supporting his children, im just fighting a loosing battle i dont have the energy for.

When we separated i also had to sell the house we owned, ive not been able to buy again as i cant save a deposit whilst single handedly raising 3 children, so i have high rent to pay, plus other outgoings, i have zero savings, i even gave up my car as it was costing so much to run. My children have what they need but very few luxuries. As i dont get UC im not entitled to any other help.

Today we have had a letter about a 3 day residential trip for one of my children, this trip is partly confidence building/team work activities, but mostly maths and English language revision sessions for GCSEs they are sitting next year. They want just under £300 by the end of the school year, i absolutely cannot do this, and theres no help through the school to be able to allow my child to go.

I understand my wage is above average for the UK (around £40k including my extra shifts), but alot of times this average is in a dual income household, or, topped up by the non resident partner, which is then disregarded by UC, which is also then added to the household income. I have friends who work just their standard 37.5 hour weeks, but then get the UC top up and the CMS money off their ex's. Resulting in a much higher household income.

Do you think that UC should take into account this CMS income? or if a person is truly raising kids alone, with zero help physically or financially, despite trying every possible avenue to make the father support their children, UC rates should change? Or make a system whereby school events that directly benefit education can be subsidised for children who cant afford it despite the parents best efforts which isnt solely based on FSM entitlement? I work hard, i get virtually nothing off the government in way of assistance, but my children are still missing out on things that will impact their education if 90% of the year group is getting this 3 days of dedicated revision time for maths and english.

OP posts:
Despair1 · 05/06/2024 18:36

Some women choose to have children on their own and expect the benefits system to support them! Totally unfair and are frequently better off than those who are working!

Almostwelsh · 05/06/2024 19:24

Despair1 · 05/06/2024 18:36

Some women choose to have children on their own and expect the benefits system to support them! Totally unfair and are frequently better off than those who are working!

And how is this relevant to the OP?

Almostwelsh · 05/06/2024 19:33

For all those saying 40k is a good wage, it all depends on outgoings doesn't it?

I'm like OP and I have a wage not much more than hers and teenagers. I can confirm that a salary of 40k using a single tax allowance doesn't bring as much take home as 2 parents on 20k. 40k is also a bit different when you have what are essentially 4 adults living off it. Teens eat a lot, especially if they are boys. Their clothes are adult sized and priced, but they are still growing and grow out of stuff frequently. If you take them anywhere you pay adult prices. If they go to university that can be very expensive, even if they do get part time jobs.

I have an ex who pays maintenance. I was going to say lucky enough to have an ex who pays maintenance, but it shouldn't be luck, it should be the default. If he didn't pay I could just about manage, but it would be very tight.

It is absolutely shocking that NR parents can get away without paying anything so frequently.

Newmumatlast · 05/06/2024 19:39

UC doesn't take into account CMS so is already awarding what the government thinks is sufficient to live off of in the event that you don't get CMS. Your friends who do are likely living much more comfortably and there is an argument to say CMS should be considered; however as I understand it the rationale behind not doing so is that some fathers fluctuate in support and it could leave children in poverty. The welfare state is supposed to be just enough to live on not for extras like residential. I don't think the government should necessarily increase welfare but if they better funded schools and made it harder for parents to avoid CMS then it would greatly help your situation so I do think that should be improved.

Jellyandcustardplease · 05/06/2024 19:39

Just wanted to jump on and say I’m sorry you’re in this situation, this country disgusts me with the way it lets men have children and walk away from them so easily, you should be getting decent financial support at the very minimum (but your children obviously deserve so much more from their father than just that).

goneveryquiet · 06/06/2024 16:18

Despair1 · 05/06/2024 18:36

Some women choose to have children on their own and expect the benefits system to support them! Totally unfair and are frequently better off than those who are working!

Not helpful

goneveryquiet · 06/06/2024 16:20

I know the CMS is falling over with claims

The Civil Service is understaffed and underfunded, the IT systems are outdated and the debts should remain even after their children grow up. The main carer deserves to be paid.

I'm so sorry

OhamIreally · 10/06/2024 00:02

JollyJanuary · 05/06/2024 11:30

OP does 100% of the caring for three children and pays 100%. Works very hard in a job she trained for whilst looking after these three children by herself. The father does nothing and pays nothing. And yet some PP are making it sound like OP is a privileged and feckless because it will be hard to find the money to help her DC with their education. I mean really, what else do you want her to do?

Well exactly.

TealSapphire · 10/06/2024 02:54

Far out OP, I cannot believe people think you are being unreasonable.

You work 50 hours a week in a much needed profession and earn 40k a year??!! In Australia you'd get double that for regular shifts straight out of uni. And if your ex can't/won't pay child support, then that would be taken into consideration and you'd get higher rates of family tax benefit (assume it's similar to UC or child benefit).

Sounds like the whole system needs looking at.

LumiB · 10/06/2024 06:26

TealSapphire · 10/06/2024 02:54

Far out OP, I cannot believe people think you are being unreasonable.

You work 50 hours a week in a much needed profession and earn 40k a year??!! In Australia you'd get double that for regular shifts straight out of uni. And if your ex can't/won't pay child support, then that would be taken into consideration and you'd get higher rates of family tax benefit (assume it's similar to UC or child benefit).

Sounds like the whole system needs looking at.

Noone is saying she is being unreasonable wanting more money, but thunk it's unreasonable for the taxpayers to be the one paying. As a single woman no partner I don't want to pay more taxes because a man isn't being held to account to pay what he should be.

Lincslady53 · 10/06/2024 06:42

Just thinking off the top of my head with no experience of your situation. What if you were paid maintenance from the gov that the father does not pay, and he repays it through his taxes to the gov. A bit like a student loan. So it then doesn't matter where he works. He still owes the money., even if it takes him the rest of his life to pay it back.

Abitorangelooking · 10/06/2024 06:42

I think deducting cms would be really tricky. I remember a friend years ago before tax credits being in tears as they were deducting the amount of cms she was supposed to get but he wasn’t paying it. My kids are a bit younger than yours, ex doesn’t pay cms but he them nearly 50%. Obviously he pays for food, clothes, days out, computers, bikes, holidays when they are with him which lowers my costs. How do you account for that? Should I get less universal credit every time he buys them an icecream or a pack of socks? I work full time but get some UC.

I think the real issue with your situation is that your ex doesn’t pay up and the system has no teeth. They should force him to stump up. I feel like you should get a change of tax code and every job you get they automatically start deductions.

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