more finicial help for single parents?

[blarneebeekeeper]

Im a single parent. I have 3 (expensive) teenagers. I work full time hours, and extra shifts, as an NHS nurse. I love my job but im on the lowest band as a nurse, and not able to apply for better paid jobs as of yet due to not having as much experience in my area that is required in a very competitive speciality. Hopefully in the future, for now though i average 50 hours a week working to earn enough to support effectively 4 adult sized people. Although i have an open claim for universal credit, i often get 0 in a month, at most i get £100 if my shifts have been mostly week days, not nights and weekends.

I have friends in similar positions, however they also have an ex who shares care, and assists financially. My ex husband doesn't. He hasn't seen (completely his choice, he disappeared and hasn't been heard from since 2016 now) or paid towards my children in 10 years. I have gone through CMS, i have applied for the deductions from his pay so many times n the past 10 years, however he changes jobs regularly, and every time he changes jobs it restarts the whole system, my account on CMS states he owes thousands, which i will never see. The only times i have gotten anything is when he is on benefits, which is £29 a month for 3 teenagers, and that happened a handful of times before he vanishes and i have to start the whole nightmare again. So in recent years ive basically given up fighting them, CMS dont actively pursue anything, there's no consequence for him not supporting his children, im just fighting a loosing battle i dont have the energy for.

When we separated i also had to sell the house we owned, ive not been able to buy again as i cant save a deposit whilst single handedly raising 3 children, so i have high rent to pay, plus other outgoings, i have zero savings, i even gave up my car as it was costing so much to run. My children have what they need but very few luxuries. As i dont get UC im not entitled to any other help.

Today we have had a letter about a 3 day residential trip for one of my children, this trip is partly confidence building/team work activities, but mostly maths and English language revision sessions for GCSEs they are sitting next year. They want just under £300 by the end of the school year, i absolutely cannot do this, and theres no help through the school to be able to allow my child to go.

I understand my wage is above average for the UK (around £40k including my extra shifts), but alot of times this average is in a dual income household, or, topped up by the non resident partner, which is then disregarded by UC, which is also then added to the household income. I have friends who work just their standard 37.5 hour weeks, but then get the UC top up and the CMS money off their ex's. Resulting in a much higher household income.

Do you think that UC should take into account this CMS income? or if a person is truly raising kids alone, with zero help physically or financially, despite trying every possible avenue to make the father support their children, UC rates should change? Or make a system whereby school events that directly benefit education can be subsidised for children who cant afford it despite the parents best efforts which isnt solely based on FSM entitlement? I work hard, i get virtually nothing off the government in way of assistance, but my children are still missing out on things that will impact their education if 90% of the year group is getting this 3 days of dedicated revision time for maths and english.

@cannonballz I stand by what I said. You have completely missed the point about absent fathers, and whether like it or not, cars are an absolute necessity for a lot of people to be able to work, not a privilege….how else would I get home when my shift finishes at 2am? My husband works 70 miles away with no transport links, he car shares, but it still means we need 2 cars or WE CAN’T GO TO WORK….hardly an unusual situation

Do you know that every area is different? Cuts to rural services means some areas have two buses a day. That makes it impossible for many. And a nurse with antisocial hours needs a car even more. Blame the shit public services. Not the workers needing a car.

I live in London and we have great public transport. I am not silly enough to think all areas are like this.

sure, cars are a necessity in some situations, but this whole cultural acceptance that car ownership is the default norm, seriously has to change. I have never driven, and I have planned my life accordingly. It had never been an issue. A lot of car ownership is just irresponsible and selfish. Anyway, not the point of the thread -as the OP clearly can manage without a car, and is doing, and more people should!

I agree either way you that it's very unfair as 2 parents could work part time earning 20 k each and bring home more. It's definitely much harder for one person on their own. Or for example if you did work the 63 hrs you suggested then if you had a partner they could at least cook/ clean for you whilst you did that so being a single parent is so much harder.

Could you:
Borrow it from the eldest? Or borrow some of it and pay it back with the same interest he would get in a savings account so it would actually help them save. I did this with my eldest recently and he thought it was a great idea as he made some money.

In terms of jobs- I agree you don't want to disadvantage them and your children deserve the same chance to not work as other teenagers. But my son started volunteer work in a pharmacy when he was 14 and they took him on and started paying him at 15. He keeps the money and buys all the little things he wants/ needs. It isn't disadvantaging him as the pharmacy is linked to what he wants to do in the future hence the work experience.

Or sadly write this one off but find out if there is another one and save for it or find a similar educational trip you can do with the child in the holidays that might be free or cheaper.
So, not the same at all but I grew up in a family on benefits/ free school meals but trips weren't free at that time so me and siblings generally didn't go but my gran paid for each of us to go on one (expensive) trip each at secondary school. We didn't feel we missed out on the others, we remembered the one we did go on.

Anyway you are setting a great example for your children doing your degree and a worthwhile job.

You really are sprinting to the bottom. The OP should not complain because there are kids whose parents are prison? I hope you never complain about anything in that case.

Her kids are relatively disadvantaged financially compared to their peers who can easily afford the trip. That’s all she is saying.

I have a husband, car and my kids have been able to afford most (not all) trips. They are more advantaged financially in that regard than the kids of the OP and that’s just a fact.

You’re anti-car, that’s fine, I get it but I’m more in favour of changing the cultural acceptance of fathers walking away being a higher priority

I think the answer is a better system to make sure men pay for their kids, although I don't know exactly what that system would be. There are definitely too many loopholes and ways to avoid it if someone is of that mindset though.

On a practical note, are you sure your UC calculation is right? I earn a bit more than you with 2 DC and rent and still consistently get a few hundred a month.

Cms needs a total overhaul and to use the powers it has to deal with feckless men.
Men should be in prison for evading paying.
Makes me so mad the number of women prosecuted for not paying tv license when men just fuck off owing thousands to no recourse.

everybody is "relatively" disadvantaged compared to somebody else.

No, I have no problem with grumbling and complaint - I have an issue with the OP assigning herself and her children some sort of victimhood which is purely imaginary - and possibly imposing this on them too - they will grow up with a nasty chip on their shoulder if she does that, and then they will probably never be happy with anything in life.

Fine to grumble and complain a bit, not fine to think of yourself as seriously "disadvantaged" when the reality is you are in the top 10% of advantaged , globally.

She is in the UK. So it’s natural to relate where you are in relation to those immediately around you. It would make zero sense for her to compare her situation with a family living in a slum somewhere. These ‘global’ comparisons feel irrelevant in the day to day hardships of a single mum in the Uk right now.

And the OP is hardly playing victim. She is working as a nurse doing 14h shifts looking after three kids. She is entitled to feel let down by the systems and her ex when she is trying her best. When we can’t do something for our kids, it hits most decent parents a lot, whatever the context.

I am not a fan of toxic positivity and shaming which just come across as unsympathetic.

Thank you, this is what im trying to get across. Im not saying my children are growing up in a constant state of being disadvantaged, and im not imposing this view point on them. Im saying in terms of their education, i feel missing out on a 3 day trip that focusses on maths and english prep for exams would impact them in comparison to those who are going, as their parents can easily afford the cost of the trip with such little notice to pay. My question was about subsidising school events that are beneficial to education, or to try and even the balance for these kids that cant attend despite best efforts. I fully understand and acknowledge there are people and children in far worse situations than not being able to attend a revision trip. But i also feel not attending will be a negative for my child. I can feel and understand both things at the same time.

If working 5 12.5 hour shifts in a row, plus the 40 min walk to and from work, is what i have to do, then ill do it. I just wish there was an alternative, as ultimately working these hours in a role where i dont get to sit down is physically and mentally exhausting. I love my job, i love the area i work in, im not complaining about it at all. Im also not complaining about the pay i receive for my job, and i understand i earn above average. Im just saying its hard as a truly single parent with no support from anyone and i feel sometimes like i have failed my children that i cant provide things like this easily, despite the efforts i have put in to improving our situation.

well, that does sound a lot more balanced than some of the language in your previous posts. I agree, it is disappointing when our children don't get everything we want for them, but it does sound like you have a plan to find the money, if you decide it is worth it - it might not be you know! Do check up carefully on what the trip involves, and if it really would benefit your child.

well, that does sound a lot more balanced than some of the language in your previous posts

I and many others could see the balance and subtleties in the posts and could see what the OP’s posts were actually about. For whatever reason, you seemed to miss it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Personally I'm with you OP- I've mentioned on other posts lady I know who gets almost £800 a month from her ex in CMS -yet still gets full UC, rent covered off (housing association) etc and is very open that she can't be arsed to work with a 7 year old and an 11 year old and gets by nicely as it is.its very unfair then on people like yourself- so what if it's not enforceable etc- at the point she's not getting it or he stops paying- then she would still be getting the same amount of UC anyway - as it's not counted and might make her think 'I need to get a job' - people always say but she will be pressured to get one- mm - she somehow manages to get around that- and no she is fit and well- enough to be doing sports and holidays etc regularly. . As it is I think it's taking the piss out of tax payers and folk like yourself- and no I'm not a Tory. If you are working a decent amount of hours and paying tax and NI and entitled to a small bit of help via UC plus maintenance that's different -

no, the OP's earlier posts were claiming that her children were "disadvantaged" when they are blatantly very highly privileged!

but my children are still missing out on things that will impact their education if 90% of the year group is getting this 3 days of dedicated revision time for maths and english.

so they are disadvantaged because there isnt an option for 2 incomes coming into their household, i feel school events should have some kind of subsidy that takes this into consideration,

Both times i used disadvantaged was in context of an educational school trip.

Sorry OP - i sympathise as i grew up like this, my parents collectively made about 25k dollars a year, working 6 days a week and there were three of us, we just went without things like that as the country i grew up in had zero help for anything like that. The luxuries i had as a child was my bothers hand me down trainers and jeans and my sister received those in due course. At christmas - we received 5 dollars and a kiss - that was about all they could afford. Country i was in didn't have a benefit system - we got free milk at school though so that was something. Good luck, i hope you manage to get the money for your son.

She didn’t say it like that. Never mind. You have a weird agenda to pursue. Please continue.

I think I understand your rationale here. The NRP should be paying that money (as assessed by CMS) but isn't. So CMS should stump up the cash and then go after the NRP in earnest to recover the debt from the NRP. This would make the CMS fight harder for the cash. And the children don't suffer as they get the cash.

At the moment CMS is toothless.

Of course the downside is that CMS won't be able to recover and someone will have to pay that debt...

I have 3 DC, lone parent and I'm a nurse. I moved to private sector where the wages are so much better. I work 3x12 hour shifts (day shifts only) and I still get a decent UC top up. You're going to burn out keeping up with what you're doing! I didn't realise until very recently that I was entitled to UC and was working whenever I could. I was permanently exhausted.

Also, yes, us single parents absolutely need more help. Especially working single parents. It ain't easy doing this at all.

Ive considered this, but decided against it for a few reasons. The dept im in now has been my dream job since i was in high school, vacancies are filled fast, and if i left and didnt like it, i couldnt just come straight back, and i have aspirations to advance in this speciality if the opportunities arise for me. Leaving would work against me as and when these positions come available. Ive worked in the NHS for a long time, so i get the max annual leave allowance, and dont want to go back to what is mandatory. I could go bank alongside private, but shifts in our area are prioritised to perm staff who know the dept so i wouldnt get as many shifts if i needed more. Im also thinking future and my pension, I have a good number of years contributions as a HCA, but not as a nurse, and coming into it in my 40's, does it make more sense to stay in the NHS now and just grin and bare these early career years when picking up extras s the norm?

I'm in a similar position and yes single parents should get more help but maintenance shouldn't affect UC. The reason it's not included is that it's essentially unenforceable. It would leave women at the mercy of abusive men

What really needs to happen is a complete overhaul of CMS. Deadbeat fathers need to be made to pay and there needs to be tougher sanctions. I'd remove passports and driving licences

OP does 100% of the caring for three children and pays 100%. Works very hard in a job she trained for whilst looking after these three children by herself. The father does nothing and pays nothing. And yet some PP are making it sound like OP is a privileged and feckless because it will be hard to find the money to help her DC with their education. I mean really, what else do you want her to do?

Cms aren’t toothless.They have powers but don’t use them.