Friends child and gender change!

[Namechangeforthis44]

Don't know if this is the right place to post, but just need some input.
Meeting up with a friend soon, whose child has changed gender. I have no issues with that, live and let live.
BUT
Friend has indicated that we not reminisce about kids childhood as this will trigger her child.
As we have moved away, we only see them every few years, so the one thing we do chat about is their childhood memories.
I think it's unreasonable to tell my kids we can't talk about their memories while we meet up with them.
How do I tackle this?

I’m afraid I don’t think that’s reasonable either tbh. Yes not going on about it or deliberately making a big deal of but if exams are a huge part of a young person’s life then it’s inevitable it may come up even in passing chat (going to uni etc). Your sister needs to teach your nephew a bit of resilience.

Yeah I mean it’s difficult. I wouldn’t find it difficult to not discuss school with your nephew but I wouldn’t want my child to be blamed for triggering a three day depression because they mentioned school, which is a huge part of their life. That doesn’t seem fair.

I have similar difficulties with my sister sometimes. I can't mention our childhoods unless she brings them up first, and even then I have to be very careful with my responses as there is no way to tell what she'll get angry about me saying. She is hugely defensive towards anyone who remembers her being small and not her current self. I find it deeply weird and hard to deal with tbh. I play along because I love my sister, but I also hate it.

Thats a reasonable request

If you can't not refer to their old name or gender then you really are not a friend and shes better off without you

If someone gets divorced do you manage not to talk about their ex-husband and married name?

I’m afraid I don’t think that’s reasonable either tbh. Yes not going on about it or deliberately making a big deal of but if exams are a huge part of a young person’s life then it’s inevitable it may come up even in passing chat (going to uni etc). Your sister needs to teach your nephew a bit of resilience

That's because you know nothing about my nephews situation. It's absolutely not about 'teaching him a bit of resilience'. How very patronising. This is not a little bit of anxiety. This is an anxiety that has him hiding under his blanket for three days on end, unable to look his own mother in the eye, while the NHS do nothing at all to help him. Why would I do ANYTHING that would add to that anxiety? Not mentioning school when he's around is the very least I can do.

The OP's mother knows her child, and what that child needs right now. If she makes a simple request to not talk about childhoods, then that seems reasonable to me. It's not the OP's place to decide what's best for the child and whether it should be 'indulged'. If the OP feels it's an unreasonable ask, then it's best they don't meet up.

The phrase 'born in the wrong body' is absolutely nonsensical to me - it's just not possible for that to happen. However I do agree that a few people's MH issues that lead them to believe they should have been the opposite sex are so deep-rooted they might be probably better off going on with the pretence - there are long term consequences tho.

You can be sensitive and use the child’s new name and don’t refer to their actual sex.

But this is madness and control - a whole group of people meeting socially are not allowed to talk about their shared memories. One person is in charge and in control and policing what can and can’t be said. This person is a muddled child who has suddenly been handed this power over adults and peers. It’s not good for them, and it’s not good for relationships, and it’s anti freedom of speech.

Your kids will know exactly how to handle this, it is their generational thing , good or bad of course. But they do know how to navigate it . Just avoid saying "and all the boys got soaking, or such like" it's being kind and letting your friend relax, your friend may want your support too, can't be easy (I mean the kids wouldn't understand why it would be hard for parents, but you will)

That's a ludicrous comparison.

if your kids are teens, they are almost definitely going to be more understanding and empathetic than you are about the issue. No teens I know would have an issue with this or refuse to understand, they're all awesome and give me great hope for their generation.

This never used to happen. It's almost as if it's a trend...

This. How is either scenario supposed to fit in the real world? Are these subjects which are off-limits, permanently? I can’t see how you can realistically stop any conversation bringing up the past, or exams. Imagine every person in the world had an embargo on person-specific subjects; conversation would grind to a halt.

I would say it’s up to the person affected to say that they don’t want to discuss something further, if it comes up. Not for anyone who comes into contact with them to promise to never bring it up.

Not kind or relaxing for OP or her children to be walking on eggshells in case someone kicks off about being reminded of facts.

OP, I wouldn’t go. Prioritise your kids.

I wouldn’t make an issue of it. The kids will know that friend’s dc has a new name, and you can answer their questions straightforwardly to explain the child thinks they are now a boy/girl, and they want us to act like this is true, so even if we find this confusing or surprising we should respect that we need to be careful what we say so that we don’t make the child feel upset.

Let the kids chat about whatever they feel like - you can avoid actively bringing up historic topics yourself.

I think you can consider it’s like a bereavement in some ways. When my mum died I found it incredibly hard to talk or think about the past without very strong emotion rising to the surface - I’d cry, often in appropriate situations! But in time I came to terms with the past, and was able to remember the past without the flood of emotion. For this child, there is strong emotion attached to dealing with their past. Whether you agree with what’s happening or not, it’s not pleasant to provoke those strong emotions whilst they are raw and sensitive.

if your kids are teens, they are almost definitely going to be more understanding and empathetic than you are about the issue. No teens I know would have an issue with this or refuse to understand, they're all awesome and give me great hope for their generation

I agree. Today's teenagers, on the whole, are a great group of people who are far more tolerant of almost all things than the majority of people posting on here, and thank goodness for that.

This. How is either scenario supposed to fit in the real world? Are these subjects which are off-limits, permanently? I can’t see how you can realistically stop any conversation bringing up the past, or exams

At the moment, the 'real world' is so far off my nephews limits, that he's unlikely to come across anyone who doesn't understand why it's important not to talk about it. His friends have been amazing, and very, very tolerant of his situation, as have his family. Hopefully things will improve, but at the moment, this is what he needs to survive. So we do it. Why wouldn't we?

Just do your best. And if you unintentionally mention the child's former name etc, don't make a big deal of it "Whoops! Mustn't mention that!", just correct yourself and move on.

We all have topics we can't mention with certain friends who have been bereaved or had addiction issues or lost their job or whatever, and I have put my foot in my mouth many times but I keep trying, because I have been on the other side of it too, where a friend seems mystifyingly obsessed with a subject I would rather not pick over.

I have friends who have a trans child, and this isn't as hard as OP is making out.

They have a new name - this happens all the time, and calling people what they asked to be called is just basic human decency.

If they don't want to talk about the past, that's also fine - DD3 has a friend she has known since they were babies, and now pre-transition events are simply referenced using thier new name, but if it's early in the process then I can understand how that mmight be uncomfortable, especially if the person in question doesn't want to dwell on that time in their life

I think the point is that it's fairly easy to avoid a subject if you are requested not to talk about it. And if it helps the person affected, why wouldn't you?

I just don’t understand how the past is triggering. If you/kids talked about how you all once went to the beach and made a massive sandcastle for instance, how would that be upsetting? How does it have anything to do with what gender they’re presenting as right now?
I’d not have a problem with it particularly I guess but it does seem very weird and unnecessary. In my experience most teenagers already know people doing similar so it just doesn’t need to be a thing for them. Sounds like the family/teen are trying hard to make a big deal out of it.

Because it’s about control.

I just don’t understand how the past is triggering]

Does it matter whether you understand or not? Should you not just take your friend's word for it, they know their child best after all? Not the OP's place to decide what's right for the child, and if she can't accommodate the request, then just stay away.

It's about compassion.

Its the same ....

I have the opposite experience, my teenage nephews and nieces and their friends are all very eye-rolling about the gender nonsense - it's the generation above them, so people in their mid twenties to late thirties who seem to be caught up most in this ideology. Once something becomes mainstream, teens have a tendency to reject it. Obviously there are still teens (and younger) who are influenced by this ideology, but it's on the way out for sure.

This