Friends child and gender change!

[Namechangeforthis44]

Don't know if this is the right place to post, but just need some input.
Meeting up with a friend soon, whose child has changed gender. I have no issues with that, live and let live.
BUT
Friend has indicated that we not reminisce about kids childhood as this will trigger her child.
As we have moved away, we only see them every few years, so the one thing we do chat about is their childhood memories.
I think it's unreasonable to tell my kids we can't talk about their memories while we meet up with them.
How do I tackle this?

I think I'm a little perturbed by her asking us not to bring up her childs original name or gender, so it's best if we don't talk about our shared memories

Absolutely reasonable, why wouldn't you agree?

To add, not sure why you would need to bring up previous name and gender

You can't just completely erase someone's previous identity and expect everyone to go along with it, that's nonsense.

So this child is so mentally fragile that it is necessary for everyone, not just her close family and friends , to pretend that the past doesn’t exist, for fear of upsetting their current world view, and …..what?

It doesn’t seem to be a simple request, for example ‘ he/she goes by Charlie now’ ( which you should attempt to go along with , though if the old name slipped out it shouldn’t be a matter for tantrums) . It’s not even the bizarre and probably impossible effort to remember and go along with the idea that the boy is now a girl or vice versa; it’s thé desire that everyone in the room erases the past, which is both weird and unachievable (and worryingly shades of 1984 : ‘ we have always been at war with Oceania’ .

i suspect that this meeting will not be an occasion of much pleasure for any of the participants, especially OP and her family. Walking on eggshells doesn’t cover it, more like walking in broken glass.

I mean I’m quite sure it is possible to converse with the child and their family in a way that does not bring up past memories or previous name and gender.

But it is not exactly going to be a relaxing, enjoyable, stress free experience is it.

Therefore I would not go. Why put yourself through it.

You can't just completely erase someone's previous identity and expect everyone to go along with it, that's nonsense.

It's called respect isn't it?

Could you clarify OP, are you being asked to not talk about the past at all, or are you being asked to - if you do talk about the past - remember to use their new name and gender even if you are talking about a time when they went by their old name and gender?

Not sure why all the concern about conversation policing, don't we do that all the time? At work, with friends etc. I have a vegetarian friend who gets very upset over the thought of animals suffering, so I don't talk about how we helped a sheep that had been hit by a car last week in front of her. At work, it's not appropriate to discuss politics in any great detail, so I don't talk about how I opened a bottle of wine to the new of Michael Gove saying he won't stand in the election.
Disclaimer - I suspect I am autistic, so I actually love the idea of someone directly telling me what's appropriate conversation rather than me having to guess and get it wrong! I've never understood why it's not appropriate to talk about money in conversation, for example, and didn't know that some people feel it is until my mid twenties, so I'm sure I inadvertedly upset a few people - would have been lovely to have someone tell me what's appropriate and what's not. Plenty of other things in the world to talk about after all!

Its reasonable to ask you not to mention things that may be triggering... eg ballet classes.

Obviously they dont mean absolutely nothing about the past. You can atill say things like ? Have you seen anything of angela? Not seen her for years!
I find it odd you only talk about the past?

Whats happening now?

Work
Relationships
Parents
The town you live in
Mutual friends
Holidays
Etc

If your friendship is only based on the past is that where the friendship should remain?

Her child’s triggers are hers to cope with not for everyone else to pussy foot round

Bollocks. It's fine for a friend to ask that a particular subject doesn't come up. Of course, 'the past' is a big subject, but it's perfectly easy to find plenty of other things to talk about.

My nephew has severe anxiety that has caused him to drop out of school. My sister has asked that we don't discuss school/exams etc when with him, as it can cause a 3 day depression as he thinks about what he has missed out on. So we don't talk about it. Fairly simple, and also considerate of my nephews needs.

Or is this just because this is about a gender change, which many on here don't hold with/dismiss as nonsense? Would you say the same if the friend asked for the same reasons as my sister did?

No. Nothing at all respectful about indulging someone's MH issues and being told to deny reality.

Very clearly stated in the OP: "As we have moved away, we only see them every few years, so the one thing we do chat about is their childhood memories.
I think it's unreasonable to tell my kids we can't talk about their memories while we meet up with them."

Wow, I really hope that none of your family or friends ever suffer from MH problems, if you think they shouldn't be respected or 'indulged'

Separate to the thread topic, I'm curious if you look back now and see any issues that this was ahead for this child? Considering you knew them so well I think that is interesting. I'd do what you're doing BTW, explain and emphasise sensitivities but telling them not to talk about the past is like telling someone not to think of the red elephant.. Best of luck.

And your point is? You shouldn't respect her wishes because you only see them every few years? I'm not sure I follow what you are trying to say

You only see them ' every few years ' so I'd bin them off , you cannot police everyone's discussions . Yes you can tell your family be to sensitive but surely it's not fair expecting everyone to tread on eggshells .

Promise not to mention the past if they promise not to talk about their new gender, their journey, or anything related to the subject.

If you can't resist bringing it up, knowing this is at the expense of their child, don't go. It doesn't sound like you have much respect for your friend tbh! If any of my friends asked me not to talk about x y or x because it's triggering for their child, I'd obviously not do it.

I've suffered MH issues myself and supported others through serious breakdowns. I think it would have been very dangerous for anyone to indulge my belief that my life was worthless and better off ended. Just as it would be dangerous for OP to indulge this child's belief that they're 'born in the wrong body' and can change their sex.

I think you are missing the point that poster was trying to make - people wouldn't really 'indulge' someone's mental health issues if they were having a psychotic break and having delusions, they would seek help for them. But with this gender confusion, the affirmation or indulgent approach expected is not fair to the sufferer or the people around them.

No. Nothing at all respectful about indulging someone's MH issues and being told to deny reality.

Well I do hope yourself, or any of your family don't suffer with any MH problems.

I don't agree with the self ID and I think that a lot of kids do go through confusion and suggesting that they are the wrong gender doesn't do any good. I'm the generation that saw gender as a social construct. However my DD has a friend who I believe was born in the wrong body. Born female (now nearly 30) and has now gone through surgery/hormone treatment. The medical world, for decades, agrees that a small amount of people are born in the wrong body. His journey involves self harm and suicide attempts. He now lives a happy life. Interestingly he doesn't agree with instant self ID and believes that it does nothing for acceptance. I could see why chat mentioning former names could be triggering. It would be easy to use their new name.

Thank you, that's exactly what I meant and worded much better!

This. I met up with an old friend whose DS now thinks he is female. He took over conversation I was having with my friend who I only see a couple of times a year and went on and on about his 'journey' and honestly it really grated. He spent over an hour going on about makeup and hairdryers. My teen couldn't stand it and wandered off and chatted to others at the venue.

I think that for your friend to make this request, you must have been doing it a lot!
I have friends who we spent a lot of time with when the dc were little, who have now moved away, and when we meet up we very rarely talk about the past.

Is it that when you are talking about past memories, you are deadnaming the child and referring to them by their previous name and gender? It’s really not unreasonable to ask you to stop doing this.

Your dc will likely be used to doing this and not see it as a big deal.

If you have supported someone you have known for years through the transition process and never made a mistake with names or pronouns then good for you. It took me months to consistently get it right and it wasn't because I was unwilling.

Thank god it was years ago when people didn't think words were violence and an honest mistake was a hate crime.