Is this a toxic work situation?

[Lorettda]

I work in an insurance company where its quite client-focused and intense sometimes. My boss can be the loveliest boss ever to those who are loyal and hardworking. She buys thank you gifts, heaps praise, shows concern and really looks out for team members etc etc

However, it's a two sided coin and those who ever get on the wrong side of her or fall short of her high standards, know about it. Several people have been fired on her watch due to perceived incompetence or bad attitude (HR rep in tow so presumably done in line with law). By all accounts the people in question weren't great performers so it was justified but there always seems to be a build up then a showdown at the end followed by scathing glassdoor reviews from people who felt treated unfairly.

I'd always admired her no nonsense approach. We entered company at a similar time 10 years ago and while she rose and rose to the top, I had a more modest rise but still been doing well. She made me privy to some of the goings on and once told me she could 'finish' someone who'd dared to complain about her methods (she meant fire, not kill obviously). She now has a lot of hire and fire power.

Recently had some personal difficulties going on in the background and she's been sympathetic but after a few recent misunderstandings during remote working she unexpectedly proceeded to question my entire commitment to the company. It felt heavy handed and obviously over the years I've seen her do this before with others she's deemed not good enough and I'm shitting myself.

Her tone also becomes 'off' on Teams (were remote four days a week) and messages that are usually peppered with niceties become curt and short.

I'm worried I've somehow made it onto her blacklist. Have been wracking my brains for anything I've done that might be perceived in bad light and thinking of ways to demonstrate more 'loyalty', working several hours this weekend to get ahead.

I haven't done anything terrible that I can think of but I'm probably not quite meeting the very high standards right now perhaps. Although all work is getting done, no complaints, I just can't go super above and beyond in the way I could in past due to current personal circumstances (won't elaborate- too outing)

The whole thing feels like I'm in an abusive relationship sometimes tbh, feeling of dread, treading on eggshells, wondering if I said/ did wrong thing but then if she's her nice self again, it all melts away. Until it starts again. Then this ridiculous sense of needing to prove my worth/ loyalty to the company to win her over again and be thrown some praise.

I've also noticed a couple of other team members who seem to almost fawn over her.

Is this toxic?

Before anyone suggest HR, they're in cahoots with her and probs also fear her so that's pointless. It's either keep things sweet with her or leave. I'm looking into other opportunities in case but not so easy to just leave for various reasons.

This is awful and undoubtedly toxic.

Thanks for response. I think after 10 years at this company I just can't see wood from trees so need external perspective

All was fine until I felt boss change tone/ view towards me. Since then I feel dread

Sounds horrendous and very toxic especially if she has HR in her pocket too.
I wouldn't want to work in an environment like that.
If you want or have to stay I'd keep a diary of every interaction with her. She sounds like a very nasty individual who seems to thrive on her reputation.

Sounds like she has love bombing nailed to those who meet her high standards and a really unpleasant side for those who don’t.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and don’t need the extra stress. It’s easier said than done, can you step back and look at it with wider perspective - she is your boss 9-5 Monday to Friday, you owe her no further time or worry.

I'd never really seen her in a negative light as I'd always been on her good side and all was fine but once she does a 180 on you and questions your loyalty it's terrifying as you know she has so much power and reputation for firing people

Never thought of it as love bombing before, but I think that exactly what it is. It's quite OTT at both ends

Yeah, that comes across to me as toxic. She sounds egotistical and preoccupied with her own power. Your nervousness about having potentially got on the 'wrong' side of her will be the response she wants. I've worked with someone like this. The gifts, the praise, the fawning, the idle threats to 'finish' people. It's all familiar, and makes my skin crawl.

On the other hand, it sounds as though you've learned stuff from her (e.g. you suggest she has high standards) so you have good skills and experience to build on. I think for now try to do your job the best you can. Going forward, look around for something new.

She's incredibly good at job and works very hard, which is all great when you're on her good side.

When I was in a toxic job, the worry and pressure used to absolutely consume me. It ruled my life for 3 years, but one thing I found is that whenever I interviewed for somewhere new, the worry subsided. Having options is power and freeing.
If you’ve got the ability to, keep an eye on the jobs market and see what else crops up.

She sounds like very hard work and very toxic. I would get out of there.

Just to take the other perspective here, I see a lot of mis-management described on here, from people in management positions who don't take a firm stance on staff who don't do the job they're paid for, so I question your manager's "good side and bad side". Isn't she just being a manager doing her job.

Of course she'll praise people if they work well and achieve their goals, why wouldn't she? And for those who don't, they don't get a "black mark" from her, she just doesn't praise them or be positive if they aren't working "to her high standards" (or to standards that she is also being held to account for by her seniors?... ). If she doesn't have high standards what standards do you think she should have?

what was the misunderstanding over remote working?

We've got one of these. Nice as pie if you meet their impossibly high standards, utterly clueless when it comes to emotional intelligence or anything that threatens the business. Even when you're a non profit. Bull in a china shop doesn't come close. I am secretly hoping they get a bit of domestic strife to deal with in the near future and are treated equally meanly. Though they'll probably be wrapped up in cotton wool and babied, they're so precious and irreplaceable.

I won't be staying as long as I'd planned now, unless of course they move on, but there are some hideously overpromoted inept wallabies who do the fawning thing and they'd almost certainly be put into the Bad Robot's place.

I miss the days when work wasn't an ego driven battleground....

I’ve worked with a manager like this. She targeted staff one at a time. Always female. Always needed to have one person in her sights. I suspect it was a power trip of sorts. Start looking for a new job.

quietly look for another job. You could always ask to meet with her in person and innocently mention you’re concerned you’ve upset her as although you work hard for the company and meet all targets you’ve sensed a change in her interactions.

Yes this.. also worked with one..complete narcissist. She was only my direct boss for 6 months (worked with her for years) and does this bullying when threatened so it may not necessarily be that your work is a lower standard or anything..
this is the problem with this toxic workplace...you start to question everything about yourself its so damaging to your self esteem. Also she couldnt be challenged.
Get out !! It won't change.

The thing is, you knew she was like that because you had seen the way she treated other people. It sounds to me as though she struggles to keep long relationships going and her way of dealing with that is to make people feel so awful that they leave.

Go back onto Glass Door and just look at those reviews again. You will find they match yours exactly. Time to look for another job.

Would also be interested in the remote working misunderstanding.

I wonder if she feels whatever it is has breached her trust in some way and what you're experiencing is how she is when she doesn't fully trust someone.

I'd prefer not to elaborate in case outing. It was nothing terrible at all and to do with another colleague and myself, not her. I misunderstood something due to lack of communication but it was promptly resolved.

Other colleague has obvs told boss and straight away she's onto me assuming the worst. Things have only started going down hill since other colleagues joined tbh. Boss always has a favourite and this other colleague is now that person and has done a few things to show me in bad light

I'd always be waiting for someone like that to stab me in the back. Get out.

a few recent misunderstandings during remote working that will be the reason. Were you slacking off instead of working? You say misunderstandings - plural - plus the fact that you wfh 4 days a week so I could imagine why she would question your commitment.
Not a toxic culture IMO, just a manager who manages, ie doesn’t keep employees that are not doing their work good enough - but praises the ones who do.

Maybe your home pressures are having a bearing in making you feel this work pressure? If you're doing your job she can't fire you Head down , get on with things.And as others have said don't spend energy worrying about it , easier said than done I know

The whole company wfh 4 days a week

Are you saying remote workers aren't committed?

@Lorettda sounds a bit toxic to me, but, also perhaps other colleague has painted you in a bad light. Is it worth just saying to boss ‘just want to clear the air over situation X with B because I feel it looks as though ‘xyz’ happened and it didnt’ (or something suitable)? Remember, the feelings you describe are not her feelings - you feel bad and you think something has happened - she may have no such thoughts?

I'd start looking for another job tbh, I was in a similar situation in my last job and I left. The HR manager was best mates with the toxic manager so the odds were heavily stacked in their favour.

I am now in a job I am happy with for now, there aren't any major dramas and I can sleep well at night. I wouldn't waste anymore time there, take control of the situation and leave before you're pushed.

Of course not. I wfh 3 days a week myself.
BUT remote working is based on trust, breaking this trust (not working / doing childcare / …) is a big deal, bigger than if it happened the office where people can see if it is a one off or a habit.